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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 17:25

He hasn't cheated before afaik
I have suspected him before but never had any proof

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2019 17:28

If you don't want him to leave and you don't want your life to change, why are you so intent on finding proof?

Agree you need to start detaching if you're just going to turn a blind eye. I couldn't bear the thought of it myself, but that's up to you.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 17:31

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy because I don't want to be taken for a mug either. I want him to love me and want me and nobody else. If he is cheating I want to know but I don't know what I would do about it

OP posts:
Pinkout · 08/08/2019 17:31

Agreed with @31RueCambon then. If you’re unwilling to leave, detachment is probably best.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2019 17:33

What has happened before. Did he cheat or did you think he might and did you behave as you are now.

Dungeondragon15 · 08/08/2019 17:48

Why are people slagging of the DH when there is no evidence that he has done anything wrong? OP on the other hand has been snooping through his phone and trying to track his location.

PinkiOcelot · 08/08/2019 17:57

AHhh OP, you’re going to drive yourself crazy with this.
I’m so sorry. I know how it feels and it’s shit x

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 08/08/2019 18:01

@Dungeondragon15 'cause MN, innit...
🤷

notapizzaeater · 08/08/2019 18:02

Tbh if you feel he's having an affair I'd get out now. I couldn't be in a relationship when I was constantly doubting myself.

AGenericUsername · 08/08/2019 18:33

I don't understand why you're so bothered then? You won't leave him if he's cheating so it really doesn't matter what he does (he probably already knows this). It sounds like your in this marriage for his money and the lifestyle he can give you. Finding proof of an affair accomplishes nothing. It's moot. As pp has said it's better to detach yourself from what he's up to and stop obsessing about it if you're not going to do anything about it in the end.

BlingLoving · 08/08/2019 18:53

You say he doesn't like you being jealous and checking up on him, and it's happened before.

Honestly op, either you have been right to be suspicious and you need to leave this relationship.

Or your jealousy and paranoia has destroyed it and he should leave.

LtJudyHopps · 08/08/2019 21:12

Sorry OP but you sound very insecure. My DP has been like this and quite frankly I am bored of reassuring him so I have stopped. He either has to trust me or end things as I will not justify his jealousy or make myself miserable to make him feel better.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 22:12

Now worried that I'm just being a crazy jealous wife and he hasn't really done anything wrong and I'm just pushing him away

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2019 22:27

@girlsgonetame some things that stand out. He doesn't like you checking up on him. Well tbh nobody wants someone checking up on them.

You cant bare to think of them even as colleagues because he might fancy her
You want him to love and want only you.

Well honestly he might well find her attractive that isn't wrong, it is quite natural.
But that doesn't mean he doesn't love or want you.
It sounds very much like you are insecure, have form for snooping and questioning him. This is probably why he had her name saved as Steve. You said yourself he had made a couple of calls over a few months. That is nothing but somehow you have decided that as there were no texts he must have deleted them rather than he may not have sent any.
If you are this jealous and insecure you are going to drive him away..

Bananasplitter · 09/08/2019 05:42

if he is cheating I want to know but I don't know what I would do about it

so you wouldn't show him the door? what's the point of it all. you sound terribly insecure. work on your own issues. leave DH aside. all this seems to be driven by a panic that he could have an affair.

happycamper11 · 09/08/2019 07:32

I'm going against the grain, sounds like you are being paranoid. I think you've gone in to work and seen her, decided you think he'd fancy her and are now looking for signs.... the only possible is the name in the phone but it sounds like you've been questioning him about her from the first meeting and as you say you've form for this, his reasoning, although misguided, could be correct.

If you have been bringing her up it could explain his lack of patience, annoyance. I did think at first it didn't sound good but having read all your updates I actually think this is the most likely scenario. Could you consider counselling? You for your trust issues and him to see he's not helping by attempting to avoid rather than deal with the jealousy. (Obviously I could be wrong but that's the impression I'm getting)

MotherTime3 · 09/08/2019 08:02

I don’t get accused of cheating often, but it tends to cause me offence, rather than offering up all my location and texts for scrutiny. When I had a controlling partner I used to name my male friends as random things just to save hassle. Also hid my phone in my car once, and said ex almost found it. I wasn’t cheating, I was just sick of the questionning.
Not saying you’re instinct is wrong op, and if he isn’t being truthful I would definately want to know too, but you will need to work out what you want, and take time discreetly looking for evidence. Seeing them together can be explained away.

crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 10:04

I feel like Op has been completely gaslit by MN people.

On what fucking planet does a man with nothing to hide change a woman’s name to a mans? Really? Because she is suspicious? So he decides to make it worse by doing that? It just doesn’t happen! Please listen to people who have the experience of cheating themselves (arseholes though we are), and being cheated on. This is a BIG RED FLAG.

These are the WORST posts for people to pile in on the OP because she will now doubt herself. There usually isn’t smoke without fire, instincts ARE usually correct and his behaviour is not normal.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 09/08/2019 10:18

Last night I did the WhatsApp restore trick on his phone whilst he was asleep. They have messaged a lot.
It's all mostly just friendly banter, office gossip, talking about colleagues. Nothing sexual between them. A bit about some of the others possibly getting together tonight. She did make a joke about me though which hurt, using my name. Along the lines of "is (name) letting you out to play on Friday then?" To which he has replied "yes but I have told her it's mainly the boys and that you're not going to be there" 😔

OP posts:
matahairyy · 09/08/2019 10:25

its brewing then
You really need to bin him while you have some time to think

NotTheMrMenAgain · 09/08/2019 10:25

Ooo, lying arsehole! So now you know OP - he's lied about messaging her and he's lied about her going out on Friday and it's a little joke between them. Nice.

tilly2dresses · 09/08/2019 10:31

OP you deserve so much better than this, whether he's physically done anything yet or not I think his want and intentions are clear - I doubt very much you'd ever act in this way with another man.
You must remind yourself that you're worth more than this and how you react to this could change the path of your life. Stay strong, keep your dignity and take as much time as you need. Control the situation and set an example of self worth to your children.

Motoko · 09/08/2019 10:31

So, they're laughing at you behind your back. That's proof enough to dump him, he's shown he has no respect for you, you're just a joke to him.

colourlessgreenidea · 09/08/2019 10:33

Last night I did the WhatsApp restore trick on his phone whilst he was asleep

Did you use his sleeping face for the facial recognition login? Confused

Benjispruce · 09/08/2019 10:34

That shows a lack of respect, loyalty and dishonesty.
Would be enough for me to cause a separation at least.