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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 14:49

Seems unlikely he would be that stupid considering he is (according to OP) so successful and well paid

You would be very suspenseful at the stupid shit successful and well paid men would do. Booking and paying 30k deposit for their wedding when they are still married to someone else and not going to divorce... just a personal example! They do all sorts of nonsense.

There are very few excuses for why someone has a second phone and if it’s found, it’s fairly conclusive. There are plenty of plausible excuses for why you have changed someone’s name. The beauty is, an excuse has to just be believable enough for a desperate spouse, who wants to believe anything but the truth, to believe. It’s horrible.

crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 14:49

*surprised, not suspenseful!

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 09/08/2019 15:03

I actually don't think at this point that they are sleeping together. I think he wants to though, based on the messages that I have seen. He's trying to be funny, he's going to the gym more... She probably flirts with him and he falls for it like the fool that he is but she isn't single herself (he told me and I saw a man on a couple of her Instagram photos) and she doesn't want him. Or that they are in emotional affair territory.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 15:13

What’s the plan?

You don’t want to leave him as you have 3 children and he hasn’t “done” anything, yes?

So why not sit down with him alone and seriously discuss: explain you have snooped, explain he lied. Explain how this makes you feel. Couples counselling probably an avenue to explore - but to be honest although you do not want to leave him I would be concerned that he has checked out of the relationship. Does he even want to be in it? Something to find out and discuss. There is no trust in your relationship and deceit (on both sides really, as snooping is not honest either).

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 09/08/2019 15:23

@crispysausagerolls what if I ask him if he even wants to be in this relationship and he says no?

I do need to sit down and discuss this all with him but I am a little afraid of the answers I might get

Tonight is the night they're going out...

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 09/08/2019 15:30

what if I ask him if he even wants to be in this relationship and he says no?

This is why you need personal counselling. If you ask him and he says no and then you think I’m too good for someone who’s not sure about me and I’m not going to waste another second being second fiddle in this relationship!! Honestly if I think that my husband could have a response to me that was unsure of his feelings towards me then I’d be out like a shot but I value myself and that’s the difference here I think x

BelleCarig · 09/08/2019 15:38

You're fighting a losing battle here OP. As @Twexy says no amount of monitoring/stalking/invasion of privacy is going to stop him having an affair. At all.
All that'll do is tie you up in knots and have you on edge constantly while you're waiting to catch him in the act.
Then, even if you do catch him in the act it sounds like you won't leave. Behaving this way gives him the upper hand in every eventuality.

You need to decide what this relationship means to you? Do you really foresee the rest of your life feeling like this? What are you worth to yourself?

You can either live in blissful ignorance/turn a blind eye or you can confront head on and let him know how his behaviour makes you feel and discuss whether there are any options for you to work together on your relationship (counselling, or even ending the relationship if you're both unhappy etc etc) but the way you're headed madness lies.

crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 15:58

what if I ask him if he even wants to be in this relationship and he says no?

Then you leave. You don’t want to, I know. And maybe if he cheats and is sorry that’s ok for you, and maybe if he cheats and isn’t sorry but wants his cake and eats it, that’s ok for you. But if he doesn’t want to be with you and he is admitting it; then really you have no where to hide and it can’t possibly be ok for you!

I have to say and I am sorry but I can’t see that someone who is secretly messaging female colleagues and lying to his wife about it several times is happily married. You would be better off alone.

helpsomuchclutter · 09/08/2019 16:08

How are you looking at his location?

Are you using Google?

If not, did you know you don't need an app to do this. If he has location on, and he used gmail and doesn't sign out (most people don't) then Google is tracking and keeping a history of his movements.

Is there a device at home that might be signed into his google account? If so, go on that and then look here:

www.google.com/maps/timeline

helpsomuchclutter · 09/08/2019 16:10

Why do you think they're not having an affair btw? Just because they don't do sex talk over text?

If there isn't an affair, then why is he deleting her texts, calling her the wrong name in his phone, why is she joking with him about you letting him out, why is she not surprised he's lying to you about her?

This has affair written all over it. Sorry Sad

helpsomuchclutter · 09/08/2019 16:11

It can be really hard to imagine your partner having sex with someone else. Cheaters use this to their advantage by only admitting to what they've been caught doing.

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 16:37

I suspect he is a bit of a sleazy middle aged man who finds her attractive, she is young and naive so is simply lapping up the attention as some form of ego boost.

I don’t think they are sleeping together but I am sure your DH wouldn’t refuse if she offered...

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 16:49

@helpsomuchclutter totally agree

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 09/08/2019 16:54

@Pinkout this is what I think is happening.

There was no talk of meeting up alone or anything like that. It just didn't seem like the chat I would expect if they were actually shagging. I know no sex talk doesn't mean they're not but nothing like "last night was fun" or anything like that.

Think he just wants her and she enjoys his attention but not enough to do anything with him. Or maybe not yet. If she offered I think he'd jump at the chance

OP posts:
Motoko · 09/08/2019 17:12

Just the fact that you believe he would have sex with her, given the chance, is enough to end the marriage.

Why on earth would you want to stay with a man like that? Is his money more important than your mental health and well being?

Why don't you value yourself more?

crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 18:45

It can be really hard to imagine your partner having sex with someone else. Cheaters use this to their advantage by only admitting to what they've been caught doing

This!!! And that people don’t WANT to believe it.

Kplpandd · 09/08/2019 18:52

You do need to talk to him, relationships without honest communication always fail. Perhaps tell him how unhappy you are feeling at the moment and tell him your concerns. Tell him this before he goes out x. Ps I know how you feel I've been there. I think we know what's happening but because there is no proof we feel like we are going mad x

DameDestressed · 09/08/2019 20:44

Thinking of you op, tonight must be tough

SaraNade · 09/08/2019 23:04

@BelleCarig I don't think she is trying to stop an affair happening, I think she is trying to find an answer as to what is happening, one way or another.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/08/2019 03:33

If she offered I think he'd jump at the chance

In which case why on earth would you want to be married to this walking mid life crisis, and putting up with his school yard crushes?

Lets be real hes old enough to be her dad which in itself is pretty revolting.

This isn't the first time hes done this is it?

Sorry but this guy reeks of serial chancer

MsDogLady · 10/08/2019 04:07

OP, he is taking you for a mug.

*Hid OW on his phone.
*Changed password.
*Lied that he and OW don’t message.
*Lied that OW would not be at he pub and promised he was telling the truth.
*Joked with OW about lying to OP about OW.
*Change in general behavior at home: moodier and less patient.
*OP believes that messages indicate H would cheat if given the opportunity.

Are lying and smugly making fun of you with the woman he is secretly chasing not dealbreakers to you? He has treated you with utter contempt. Where is his love? He is unethical, manipulative and untrustworthy. You are anxious and uncertain. Is this the relationship model that you want to show your children?

He needs a sharp shock and effective consequence. Find your dignity, get angry, and show him the door. Tell him you need space because you are rethinking your marriage.

k1233 · 10/08/2019 04:55

I think the fact she was asking if wife was letting him out to play indicates interest on her part. He knows wife doesn't like her so is lying about her being at events. I think it's heading somewhere as there's no need to lie if he isn't interested and it's all above board.

ambereeree · 10/08/2019 06:13

I doubt they're having an affair. She knows he fancies her and will use this to further her career. His colleagues must be laughing at him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/08/2019 06:53

I'm confused OP, at the start of this thread you were convinced he was cheating and most posters were telling you, you were being paranoid, now you've got proof he's been lying to you and straying into emotional affair territory, and you're trying to convince posters he's not having an affair Hmm

Bluntness100 · 10/08/2019 07:51

Oh for goodness sake. Most of the things are easily explainable if you live with someone with this level of Jealousy. You would hide stuff to avoid the shite he's going through now, if this is indeed real.

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