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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
Original poster
girlsgonetame · 09/08/2019 10:34

Yep - I'm just a joke between the man I love and the woman he wants to fuck - great!

OP posts:
Original poster
girlsgonetame · 09/08/2019 10:35

He told me his passcode @colourlessgreenidea

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/08/2019 10:35

Wow. I'm sorry OP, it would make me feel sick to see a message like that. Hes lied to you but the laughing at you behind your back, telling her the truth and not you, is really cruel. I guess you have your answer

Dungeondragon15 · 09/08/2019 10:37

On what fucking planet does a man with nothing to hide change a woman’s name to a mans? Really? Because she is suspicious? So he decides to make it worse by doing that?

It would be on the planet where someone snoops through your phone all the time and hassles you about it. Anyway, on what planet does a man who has something to hide not get a second phone?

colourlessgreenidea · 09/08/2019 10:39

He told me his passcode

Ah, sorry, I missed that bit.

Delatron · 09/08/2019 10:40

Ah they are developing a nice emotional bond and he’s painting you as the ‘jealous wife’ who doesn’t let him out. Textbook.

Nothing may have happened yet but she sounds as keen as him unfortunately.

I know it’s easy for us to shout ‘dump him’ but he has lied repeatedly and he’s showing you no respect. You need to take back control of the situation. Say you know what they have been saying, that he has been lying and you’d like him to leave. Maybe faced with that situation he’ll call it off before it develops but he has shown himself to be lying and untrustworthy. This will just keep happening while he thinks he can get away with it.

Delatron · 09/08/2019 10:41

Well, good job she did snoop through his phone! Or she’d be none the wiser.

Always trust your instincts. She now has the proof she needs to leave.

needsome · 09/08/2019 10:46

So there are messages but he's just deleting them. What a twit.

Keep your cards close to your chest op is all I can advise for now.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 09/08/2019 10:47

Maybe I am the jealous wife but I feel like he's making me this way! Not sure what is going on between them but it's not good. Even if it is a friendship I hate that they laugh about me behind my back. I feel sick about it. I couldn't even speak to him this morning but I don't think he noticed.

OP posts:
JamieLeeBee · 09/08/2019 11:02

I'm sorry, I say this as someone who has been cheated on. You are nuts.

You obviously don't trust him at all, so whether he has cheated or not, stop stalking him and invading his privacy and just leave him for your own sanity. A relationship cannot work without trust. Period.

Funghi · 09/08/2019 11:07

If he isn’t cheating I doubt it’s due to him holding back.

TeddybearBaby · 09/08/2019 11:28

How are you going to manage this now op? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I think counselling for you would help your self esteem 💐

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 12:26

How have you leapt to them now laughing about you behind your back?

Op, do you have a history of mental health problems? Either this is all made up attention seeking, or it's paranoid jealousy, but either way it's a sign of mental health issues and actually quite disturbing.

crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 12:47

Have people not read the updates?!?

What the fucking fuck. He lied again! “We haven’t messaged” when that’s just not the case. Maybe they haven’t slept together, but this is inappropriate and deceitful.

Dungeondragon15

When I was a cheating arsehole I didn’t have a second phone. I changed the OM (my now DH’s) name to a woman and used all manner of tricks - hiding notifications etc - much easier.

Annasgirl · 09/08/2019 12:55

@Bluntness100

Please read the OP's update - he joked about his wife to this woman.

As usual, the OP is always proven right in these scenarios, I have never yet read a post like this where the OP is wrong about their DH cheating.

OP, you need to get real life advice and support as to how you choose to move forward because this man is driving you to do crazy stuff and it is no way to live.

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 09/08/2019 12:58

As usual, the OP is always proven right in these scenarios, I have never yet read a post like this where the OP is wrong about their DH cheating.

She wasn't though. Only thing she proved was that he lied about messages. It's still possible he isn't cheating nor he wants to, but hides things because OP got insecure like this before.

matahairyy · 09/08/2019 13:10

Of course he is going to

crispysausagerolls · 09/08/2019 13:22

Only thing she proved was that he lied about messages

“Only thing” - like it’s nothing to lie to your spouse about something like that. Jesus.

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 09/08/2019 13:30

@crispysausagerolls obviously lying is shit 🙄
I said "only thing she proved was he lied". Not "he only lied". Big difference. The latter is what you are talking about.

supersop60 · 09/08/2019 13:37

If you are doing something you have to lie about, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
OP - what are you going to do now?

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 09/08/2019 13:41

If you are doing something you have to lie about, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

I can think of lots of examples when this doesn't apllyHmm Including for example hiding things from paranoid spouse to keep peace🤷
Not saying this is OP's case 100% but the possibility is there as much as her not being paranoid and him really cheating.
Neither have been proven or disproven here.

SaraNade · 09/08/2019 13:42

What stands out to me is that he changed her name to Steve on his phone. If his relationship with the woman was completely innocent, why would it even cross his mind to do that? Especially if he has never changed any other colleague's name. That's clearly a sign he knows he is doing something wrong.

Dungeondragon15 · 09/08/2019 13:50

When I was a cheating arsehole I didn’t have a second phone. I changed the OM (my now DH’s) name to a woman and used all manner of tricks - hiding notifications etc - much easier.

Much more likely to be found out though as in this case. If the DH knew his wife snooped through his phone, changing the name was about the most stupid thing he could have done. Seems unlikely he would be that stupid considering he is (according to OP) so successful and well paid.

canveyisland · 09/08/2019 13:50

Have RFT.

OP, your OH knows you quite well, and is relying on you wanting to save the relationship. Until that changes he will always have the upper hand, even if you find them in a hotel bed together.

Consider this - you are with a person who wants to cheat, your posts leave no room for doubt, and so where does that leave you? Do you want to be in a relationship with a person who behaves like you describe and takes you for a fool?

I wouldn't, and didn't.

Twexy · 09/08/2019 14:21

I've been reading this and it seems that you've got yourself all worked up.
I don't know if I'm too late with this advise but please do not make a fool out of yourself by acting insane.
No amount of stalking, monitoring or questioning is going to stop anyone cheating on another person. If they are going to do it they will regardless of the crazy things you do to try and control their behaviour.
If anything the more crazy you act the more justified the cheating seems (and that's if he is).
The best way to deal with this is tell your DH how you feel and why you feel that way. And ask why he's become more distant? It could be something totally unrelated to cheating.
I do hope you work through it and get to the bottom of this together.
Please don't get in touch with this girl it'll make you look silly and at the end of the day that is his work and somewhere he has to be professional. You are stepping in dangerous ground there. Also if nothing is going on then that young girl is going to feel so uncomfortable at work for no reason whatsoever other than your insecurities.

What I think the question should be is to yourself if you don't trust this man at all then why are you with him? as this relationship obviously makes you paranoid and miserable. Why put yourself through it?