6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

DS had a dummy which is LOVED. At age five we sent him a mysterious letter from the Dummy Fairy asking if she could have it back for one of the new babies and asking him what he would like in return.

He was instructed (by the fairy) to leave it under his pillow and in the morning, the dummy was gone but there was a thank you note from the fairy and a new car toy in its place.

It was twee and schmaltzy and a bit blackmail-y but it worked. He did miss his dummy for about a week, but then it was done.

I'd definitely not give in, 6 is a ridiculous age to have a dummy!

Both mine were addicted to dummies but age 4 was my limit, no way. Be strong, take her out to buy a special bedtime present and do not give the dummy back, if you do all last nights tears and guilt would be for nothing.

I don't mean to be horrible but it's really poor that you haven't addressed this issue sooner. Our DS loved his dummy at bedtime (the only time he was allowed it after age 1) but soon as he turned 2 we got rid of it for good. Threw every single one in the bin. He'd ask for it at bathtime every night for around 1 week, the first few days he cried for it as well, but we just kept saying oops sorry we lost it and no more pennies to buy new ones, then we distracted him with a book, Teddy, etc. Yes it was hard but the first few nights were the worst but we didn't give in & he's never had one since. I actually think it's really very lazy just to 'give in' for an easy life.
Like a previous poster said, would you not take her to school if she cried & said she didn't want to go?! Doubt it- you need to toughen up a bit. Sorry.

If she only has it for 20 minutes at night then surely it won't effect her teeth? I've never seen an 18 year old with a dummy in it's mouth, maybe she just isn't ready to be without it yet?

Pyromare, I would not worry about being 'soft'. I'm a fairly strict parent with firm boundaries, but bloody hell, kids are kids and need love, support and comfort from their parents. If you decide on a rule/boundary, you can (and usually should) still hold that firm while being kind, loving, compassionate and understanding.

I had a look at the NHS advice - the only thing I can see that might be an issue is teeth (speech clearly isn't a problem). And that advice is for much younger children, I am guessing using the dummy for longer periods at a time, not just a bit (?) when falling asleep.

I can't really see why 'she's too old' alone is a valid reason, it's an arbitary perception of when a dummy should or shouldn't be used. So I wouldn't, personally, stress too much about using it. Getting worried/anxious/cross will only exacerbate things.

My daughter (nearly 6) still has a story, a snuggle, a song, etc, to get to sleep. Does yours need more comforting as she goes to sleep? More 'special time' with you? Wee thing, it's hard to be a kid sometimes.

Wishing you both a peaceful night tonight. x

We also told DS his lost dummies found their way to the hospital to help soothe the poorly babies, he really liked the idea of that and happily accepted it

I am well prepared to have some do- gooder threaten to report me to SS, however my DD still used a dummy at night at 4 years old. I dipped them all In lemon juice, DD spat them out and refused to use them again. Maybe worth a try!

I never gave my DC dummies for this reason, I can see how easily children form habits and this was one I didn’t want to have to deal with.

It is a habit which needs breaking, if you keep giving in it will only prolong the issue. Time to say no and stick to it, throw any dummies you have away so there is no temptation. Maybe reward with a soft cuddly toy of her choice?

Good luck!

Take her shopping for a new comfort item, maybe a build a bear so she can be involved in making it special?

My daughter had a dummy until she was 8, she has ASD and used it to get too sleep, her understanding was poor (mentally she was a lot younger) so we kind of waited until she could understand they were going in the bin, we then made her put them all in the bin.

I sucked my thumb for years, I was 13 and just about to start high school before I managed to give up but only with help of a dentist fitted habit breaker...my parents tried all sorts but they obviously couldn't cut my thumb off, so I can sympathise.

I've just managed to get my almost 6 old to stay in her own bed all night. I took her shopping and she chose a barbie but couldn't take it out of the packet until she had slept all night in her own bed. Failed the first night but the second night was a success. She knows if she comes in my bed she'll lose her doll again. Could you try something like this?

SayItLoud1 "I never gave my DC dummies for this reason, I can see how easily children form habits and this was one I didn’t want to have to deal with." My dd found her thumb at a few days old. Much harder habit to break in my opinion.

we've always wanted it to be her decision, as we didn't want her to think we were taking away her favourite thing

Oh blimey. Sometimes you do need to do the unpopular stuff, though.

She’s embarrassed by it now, so help her and support her. It won’t get easier, it’ll get harder.

She has formed a strong sleep association with the dummy over 6 years. In six years she has been learning “this is how I relax and go to sleep”. Now she needs a new sleep association and that is hard. Think about how you find it hard to sleep in a different position or without the right clothes or whatever- it’s like that.

Sit with her and give her ways to learn a new sleep association. Put on some music or an audiobook, get a cuddly toy, try a guided sleep relaxation meditation with her. Keep reassuring her she’s doing the right thing, talk to her about why it’s hard to break and make new habits and keep telling her you’re proud of her. Don’t let her fail. You let her keep the dummy because you didn’t want to be the bad guys. Now your duty is to be the good guys and help her solve her problem that is embarrassing her. Don’t fail.

What if her school friends accidentally find out she has a dummy? She'll be taken apart at school.

Ffs I can’t imagine being ok having my child at a school where - aged 6 - they’d be “taken apart” for anything. I certainly wouldn’t be basing my parenting decisions about a wholly private issue on the potential for my child being “taken apart” by a group of 6 year olds.

She needs care and support to change how she soothes herself to sleep, I’d not be rushing to take the dummy off her - she’ll do it in her own time, it’s not hurting anyone or doing any harm but I would be helping her identify other comforts so she can see alternatives.

Sorry, I am in the I've started so I'll finish camp, otherwise last night, the hardest night, was all for nothing and the next time you try it will be worse.

Last night was tough, tonight and each further night will be easier, by the end of the week it will all be done. Cut the dummies up (out of her sight, obviously!) so you don't cave, be there to comfort her (even if it means lying with her quietly in her room when she wakes and see it through.

First night would be the hardest.. What about 'sending' them. To a children's home. ( obvs just put an address of someone you know and not actually send them to a CH.) then maybe in a day or so she receives a letter saying how it's helped children there?

I’m sorry op but you have helped to enable this. We all have to go through them crying about giving up their dummies but you have to stick to it. She’s done the first night so I’m my head that would be it from now on. Whilst it may not do any damage what I’d she was invited to a sleepover? What if she had to stay in hospital overnight? What if you loose it whilst away and can’t replace it? Plus the thought of her friends finding out at school.

Wow and to think how embarrassed I was when the dentist told me I had to throw my sons away when he was 3.5.

I did it that night and it yes there were tears but its tough shit. It really is for the best, I cannot believe her teeth or bite have not been affected at all.

She is clearly far too old for a dummy. Just get rid of it.

*Today 14:52 jellycatspyjamas

I’m probably in the minority but what actual harm is it doing her? Can she not just give it up when she’s ready? Would you be as concerned if she was sucking her thumb or had a comfort blanket or cuddle toy.*

This. There's an awful lot of hand-wringing here over a 'problem' that doesn't exist.

Can you do her a sticker chart and for everyday that she does now without the dummy she gets a pound or a small treat? I'd just throw it away and say we are done and let her get on with it. After a week or so she will have forgotten all about it.

My 3 gave up dummies at 7. Now 20,21, 25. No issues with teeth or anything else. All perfectly well adjusted young people. They gave the dummies up in their own time. They served a purpose and i didnt want to cause them upset.

I'm with jellycatspyjamas and Scrimshaw.

The right advice is to go with the child. Don't mention it let her have it. it's no big deal Our dd1 sucked her thumb till she was 7 she has lovely straight teeth. Adults suck too, what about those vapes? it's basically oral comfort. Likes cups pf tea or coffee or wine!!!!!!

if you ignore it she'll probably give it up on her own.

I'm a horrible person, but just take the damn thing away. If she doesn't like it it's tough shit!!

And tbh, if my sons, at 6, had found out a school friend used a dummy and given them a hard time for it, the proverbial ton of bricks would be nothing on me.
The implication of some of these posts is that there are things for which tormenting and bullying is acceptable. No.

Just put the dummies in the bin. If they're not there she can't have one. She's done the hardest bit, a couple more nights and it's will all be done.