6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

[Maccapacca24]

I was a nightmare with dummies. Probably only 4/5 at the time but my younger brother was 2/3 at the time and I used to sneak into his room and take it from him at night. I'd also try take it before bed time and my mum would have to search my bed. I remember one night mum being out and the babysitter found me trying to light a match as I couldn't reach the light switch to find the dummy in my brothers room. This was after I'd done the whole throwing away the dummy here's your present for being such a big girl thing. I was obsessed. Then out of nowhere (as far as I remember) I just stopped. But then I also had a silky and a teddy comforter. Maybe try substitute with that? It's good she's showing awareness of wanting to stop. I personally think we over think these things as parents and kids naturally grow out of things. But as others have said, if you've done the first night, and she's said she wants to stop I would maybe make her fully aware it's gone and isn't an option and see this one through. She wants to stop, and that's the main thing. I feel like I'm talking about a child heroin addict here! 😂

[Rache49]

The Dentistry issue was the first thing to cross my mind too. My parents threw my Dummy away and i forgot about it very quickly. Use the thought of possible sleepovers and potential for bullying as your motivation when you cave into her cries for the Dummy. It's possibly what is going through her mind too if she is saying she wants to stop. Stay firm as you will end up letting this go on indefinitely.

[spidersonmyceiling]

Lots of nasty judgemental comments in OPs parenting . OP good parents listen to their children's feelings as you have done.

[JoyTurner]

Agree there are some really nasty comments and really below the belt name calling, but the OP isn’t listening to her child. Her DD has said she is too old for it and is embarrassed. She needs her parents support to help her through it.

[MyNewBearTotoro]

OP’s DD has conflicted feelings about the dummy. Part of her feels like she’s too old for it and should get rid, but the other half is comforted by it and feels sad at thought of not having it.

Just because the side that wants to get rid aligns with what we, as adults, might want for a 6 year old doesn’t mean that OP should listen to that side only and ignore the fact her DD also wants the comfort of it.

We don’t know what OP’s DD is really feeling, maybe she is desperate to get rid of the dummy but finds it too hard in the middle of the night do needs tough parenting. But maybe she’s only said she’s embarrassed/ too old because she knows that’s what others would think and only said she’ll get rid to please her parents, when actually she still wants and needs the comfort of the dummy.

The OP’s DD is giving our conflicting messages and it would be wrong to only listen to the initial request to give up the dummy and not acknowledge the strong feelings and want to keep it that have come up since. It’s not as simple as she wants to give it up, because she also wants to keep it. Forcing her to get rid and ignoring that a significant part doesn’t want to is just putting society’s expectations above what she is actually feeling.

I think OP would do better with a slow approach to giving it up. I would introduce a new comfort toy like a teddy alongside the dummy. Then maybe slowly work towards falling asleep without it, first by having her lie in bed with lights off for 1 min before she gets given her dummy, then after a few days increase to 2 mins, then 3 etc. She will know the dummy is coming so won’t get herself so worked up and she’ll get used to lying in bed without the dummy. After a while the time waiting for the dummy will be longer than the time it’s taken her to get to sleep and she’ll have cracked it and will have learnt the self-soothing skills needed to be in a position to get rid of the dummies without it being so upsetting.

[Dot14]

Personally I wouldn’t worry about it. If her teeth are fine, and it’s her comfort at night why worry? She’ll come to her own decision when she’s ready , and probably more quickly without pressure. All children are different. My two children were two years apart in giving up their dummy. Why should it matter? It’s her emotional comfort right now, and she will probably make her own decision soon.

[Mutinerie]

My eldest took a bottle to go to sleep till she was 12, maybe even 13. I was a bit worried, but no adults I know drink milk out of a baby bottle, so I just trusted she'd grow out of it at some point which she did. Sorry everyone else seems to be telling to to take the dummy of her, but I'd let her keep it.

[GADDay]

Yesterday 18:02 Mutinerie

My eldest took a bottle to go to sleep till she was 12, maybe even 13. I was a bit worried, but no adults I know drink milk out of a baby bottle, so I just trusted she'd grow out of it at some point which she did. Sorry everyone else seems to be telling to to take the dummy of her, but I'd let her keep it.



Windup????

[DragonMamma]

Mutinerie you have to be joking? A bottle at 12/13 is insane.

—not to mention weird—

[AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen]

My eldest took a bottle to go to sleep till she was 12, maybe even 13.


This has triggered my cats bum mouth.

[socksforfox]

My eldest took a bottle to go to sleep till she was 12, maybe even 13. I was a bit worried, but no adults I know drink milk out of a baby bottle, so I just trusted she'd grow out of it at some point which she did. Sorry everyone else seems to be telling to

This is fucking nuts.

[Dandelion1993]

A 13 year old with a bedtime bottle?

You have to be joking!

[Timandra]

People get very hung-up on pushing their children to maturity and removing all evidence of them ever having been babies ASAP.

At six years old, this child is only just approaching the maximum for natural term breastfeeding. It's actually still quite appropriate for her to gain comfort from sucking. I'd rather a child sucked a dummy just to fall asleep each night than sucked her thumb.

I get that 12/13 years seems old to be sucking a bottle but we wouldn't react with such horror at her sucking her thumb. There's no need to lay into her mother for allowing it. She was right; the child grew out of it when she was ready.

We really need to stop pushing timetables on children. They mature at their own pace when we provide the right environments. They don't need us to make them feel embarrassed and under pressure because they aren't as quick as their peers in one small aspect of development.

[Dutch1e]

A bottle at 12/13 is insane.

While a cup of warm milk is completely different? It's just a thing that holds milk, who cares?

[Bettybeautiful28]

Wow. Lots of judgemental people on here. So glad not to know many of you in real life. I don’t know what to say just genuinely shocked by some of the nasty responses.

[Mumsie2one]

Honestly if it’s not affecting her in anyway and your happy she’s happy then what’s the problem? It may not be the norm but who cares one persons normal is another persons abnormal. I sucked my fingers till I was 8? And then one day I just stopped and that was that i turned out fine. So don’t worry about what other people think teach your daughter that it’s ok to be different not everyone’s the same and in time she will give up her dummy when she’s ready not when society thinks she should.

[0hT00dles]

My dd5 promised to give up her soother when her 1st tooth fell out...and her first two teeth fell out on the same day. First night was a struggle but she has now gone to bed over a week without it.

Could you ask her to do this? This was always the dealbreaker in our house-1st tooth out and it was gone!

[cheesestringz]

went cold turkey with our DS at 18 months. do it

[cheesestringz]

@Mutinerie mother of god

[checkthetraderplease]

I really don't understand what's so wrong about her having it unless it's altering her teeth

These are my teeth OP, I had a dummy until age 8.

Ignore people saying she's 'too old'. The only factor to consider should be if it's harming her physical looks. If not then it's so fine, what's so wrong about it?

Naturally self-wean age for breastfeeding is 4-7, and a dummy is similar to that - It acts as comfort.

[checkthetraderplease]

The pic!

[DTDJo]

Hi, I am the lady who runs the Ditch the Dummy and I just wanted to say to the lady who wrote this question. Do not feel guilty. Every child, family and situation is different. The aim of the challenge and all the work I do online as a speech and language therapist is aimed and ditching the guilt and empowering parents to feel supported to follow their instinct. I hope that came across on The One Show, because I know as a mum of 4, we are the experts in our own child. My aim is to share information, strategies and support, but never judge, guilt trip or make parents feel bad xxx

[madcatladyforever]

Buy her a lovely soft new cuddly toy for bedtime and swap it for the dummy.

[ThisHereMamaBear]

I used to suck my thumb when I was little. It was so comforting and just wonderful. My parent's got all kinds of creams to stop me doing it. It was awful. I'd just let her give it up in her own time. It's not as if she's having it during the day

[SlB09]

Please don't feel like a bad parent, you have done what you think is the best thing for you daughter and noone can question your good intentions to only provide her with comfort in a way you know she responds too.

I do think that continuing would be the best option. Acknowledge her big feelings and support her to develop strategies to cope with them, the issue is far greater than just binning the dummy - as you say she has alot of emotion attached to it. But my thoughts are that taking it away then giving it back a few times is confusing for her and may be adding to those big feelings. She needs to be guided by someone she trusts through this experience and will reap the benefits in knowing that she's made it through something difficult and all the positive things that go with it. Good luck x