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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 yr old DD still has a dummy

475 replies

Pyromare98 · 05/08/2019 14:45

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

OP posts:
Rainonmyguitar · 05/08/2019 16:50

Like I say, I don't think it is healthy to view feelings as problems to be 'got over with', even the unpleasant ones. Our feelings and our children's feelings are worth our time, and theirs

It's just a dummy. I doubt any child or adult has ever needed therapy because their parents took away their dummy before they 'were ready'.

Fresta · 05/08/2019 16:52

It's not about feeling, it's a habit- like biting nails, which needs breaking!

pinkstripeycat · 05/08/2019 16:54

If the dummy fairy has taken all the dummies there is no going back. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. You can’t then say Oh I’ve kept one just in case. Be tough. If you think this is hard wait until she gets older!

ppeatfruit · 05/08/2019 16:57

Yeah fresta would you break her thumb if she was sucking it? There is very little empathy on MN for children's feelings, and yes it's about feelings , children's need respecting as do adults.

Why are children considered lesser beings?

ElspethFlashman · 05/08/2019 17:04

There's an awful lot of hand-wringing here over a 'problem' that doesn't exist

I know, right?? Some posters sound like they're on the verge of calling social services!

DS is 4 and has his at night still. Well actually since it falls out once hes asleep it for about an hour, max. Even though its only for a short time, the comfort it provides to him is off the scale, its extraordinary. If we tried to take it off him, he'd lose his mind at the moment. Why would we? He's not even in Big School yet.

My parents didn't believe in dummies - I sucked my thumb till I was 12! Hmm

Ijumpedtheshark · 05/08/2019 17:07

My nephew had his until he was 7 and it was so embarrassing for him near the end especially when he was asked his first sleepover. No judgement from me on my SIL or my nephew as it’s always easy to judge when it’s not you.

I had my comforter until I was 12 but luckily it was a blanket so not the same stigma as a dummy (and no physical side effects).

Maybe my DS is shallow but we got rid of his dummy about a month ago by buying him a very expensive Lego set he really wanted and threw out all the dummies. Worked a treat. I was amazed. I guess if you thought this would work for you you’d have done it already but it’s an idea to consider.

Ijumpedtheshark · 05/08/2019 17:07

I knew a girl at uni who sucked her thumb at uni!

jennymanara · 05/08/2019 17:12

I don't think this is about trivialising kids feelings. But I do think habits become harder to break the longer they go on. So it could be far harder emotionally the longer this goes on.

But OP ultimately it is up to you. Although if you were not serious about breaking this habit I think letting her cry last night was not fair. You either have to do it and follow through, or not do anything. This half way house causes your DD pain without any gain at all.

Shosha1 · 05/08/2019 17:17

Think of it this way.

She didn’t have it last night. She was distraught.

Give it to her tonight and all that upset last night was for nothing.

How many times do you want to do single nights without it, just to see if she can ? How many upset nights ?

Carry on, couple more nights and she will be fine.

LL83 · 05/08/2019 17:21

First night is the hardest keep going (I wouldn't have them in the house after deciding because it is cruel to keep saying its stopped then give it back).

When she can't go to a sleepover or sibling slips up and friends find out the fall out will be much harder for dd than giving up dummy.

Also she will feel proud of herself for making this step rather than embarrassed as she does just now

LL83 · 05/08/2019 17:22

@jennymanara completely agree.

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 17:23

@jennymanara
“because it gets harder as a habit to break the older you get.”

No it doesn’t get harder the older you get. That’s a parenting myth.
This is something that kids outgrow...some sooner than others.

MrHaroldFry · 05/08/2019 17:28

I would suggest the app 'Moshi Twilight Sleep Stories'. You can choose from stories meditations, music or sleepy sounds. It is great and will be a novel distraction to sucking a dummy.

Yabbers · 05/08/2019 17:28

DD still has a teddy she takes places and can’t sleep at night without it. No way would I take it away and expect her to tough it out for a few nights. It is a comfort to her at night and when she is anxious.

Unless it is actually causing some kind of problem with her teeth, I wouldn’t be bothered about it. Kids that age still suck their thumbs at night. Taking it away because people arbitrarily decide she’s too old is ridiculous.

Yabbers · 05/08/2019 17:29

Should add, DD is 10.

Summergarden · 05/08/2019 17:33

I wont judge because I know exactly how hard it is. My DS gave up his dummies when he was 5.

What worked for us was finding a toy that he desperately wanted and that usually we would only get for birthday/ Christmas. We bought it second hand so wasn’t too expensive. We bought it and showed him, promising that after 2 nights without the dummy he could have it.

It took a couple of weeks, and if he got really upset I did give in and let him have the dummy as was worried he would be too tired at school if he didn’t sleep without it. One evening he asked to try without it again and sucked on the corner of one of his soft toys to help him get to sleep instead. He only did that a couple of nights and it was easier than I expected in the end.

Personally I couldn’t listen to the heart wrenching sobs for long and wanted it to be driven by him.

Luckybe40 · 05/08/2019 17:33

I’d definitely, definitely 100% let her keep it, it’s something she loves, who cares if it’s her thumb, a blankie, a cuddly, a dummy. Just give it back to her. She loves it, it soothes her.

gingerbiscuits · 05/08/2019 17:36

If I were you I'd stick with it now you've started - you say that she's well aware that she's too old for it, which is a great place to start from. You just need to stand firm & help her through it - offer her a 'comfort alternative' to help her sleep - go shopping for something special she chooses herself. Is there a particular reason she feels she needs it? Could something else help at bedtime/through the night instead?

Hotpinkangel19 · 05/08/2019 17:40

I still suck My thumb and I'm 35!!

MummySharkDooDoo · 05/08/2019 17:40

I took my daughters dummy away at 3 and she now sucks her thumb and is nearly 5!

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2019 17:41

No it doesn’t get harder the older you get. That’s a parenting myth.

Well, it does, though! As her poor DD is proving right now. The longer you practise a habit the harder it is to break. That goes for all things - habits are built on repeated actions, they form associations in the brain. It is hard to break a habit however old you are, but it gets harder the longer you’ve ‘practised’.

In my opinion the kindest and most gentle parenting option here is to support her to give it up now she’s done one night. Letting her fail won’t help her. Giving her a new sleep association will help her.

It doesn’t have to be cruel.

Nogoodusername · 05/08/2019 17:43

My daughter gave hers up a couple of months ago at 5 years old. It was very difficult and traumatic as it was such an emotional support to her, and she was extremely attached to it, but we had no choice - the dentist said it was affecting her teeth quite badly and even I could see the front two teeth were badly affected. The first week without was very hard and I felt terrible, but after that she was fine

jaseyraex · 05/08/2019 17:44

Now that you've done a full night without it, I think I'd keep going without. It would all be for nothing if you gave it back. Likelihood is in a few days or a weeks time she'll be settling off to sleep without it. Take her shopping for a special teddy or blanket to have instead.

I took DS1 dummy from him when he was 6 months (I couldn't take getting up every half hour to put it back in!), but he's had a comforter ever since and he's almost 5. It goes everywhere with us except nursery.

Babdoc · 05/08/2019 17:45

Justin Bieber has been photographed sucking a dummy in public at the age of 22, at a St Tropez party. So I don’t think you need to worry for a few years yet, OP!
Seriously, why are you so desperate to take your child’s dummy away? She finds it comforting, she only uses it at night, it’s no different to sucking a thumb. Who is she hurting with it?
Both my DDs had dummies. They stopped when they wanted to, not because they were forced to. Neither has suffered any long term consequences.

jellycatspyjamas · 05/08/2019 17:46

I'm a horrible person, but just take the damn thing away. If she doesn't like it it's tough shit!!

I’d want to offer my kids considerably more empathy than “tough shit” - she’s 6 ffs, plenty of time for “tough shit”.