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AIBU?

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Original poster

6 yr old DD still has a dummy

475 replies

Pyromare98 · 05/08/2019 14:45

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 05/08/2019 14:57

My friend took her daughter to build-a-bear as a treat for the day she gave up her dummy, is there not something your daughter wants (that you can afford) that she will give up the dummy in exchange for?

Janus · 05/08/2019 14:57

Sorry I obviously didn’t read your post very well. The first night is the worst, I’m sure it will get better, I’d really persevere if you e got through the first night. I’d promise some sort of treat tomorrow for her getting through this so well.

jellycatspyjamas · 05/08/2019 14:59

We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed.

I’d be helping her understand that even when you want to do something (give up her dummy) it can be very hard to do. Help her think of what might help her, whether that be a cuddle toy or whatever. Don’t shame her for deciding she needs it but help her think of other options, praise her for wanting to give it up, and praise her when she manages without it even for a little while. I can’t be doing with “tough love” with small children.

GruciusMalfoy · 05/08/2019 14:59

Sometimes you have to be tough, this seems like one of those times. My DD was very attached to her dummy, when I felt she was getting old enough to do without I threw them all away. You will have a few upset nights, but she can do without one.

partofyoupoursoutofme · 05/08/2019 15:00

With all sympathy I agree with the pp that you need to toughen up. It was heartbreaking taking my ds's dummy away at 18 months, it's heartbreaking whenever you do it but it has to be done for their sakes. Your dd needs to learn that she can sleep without it and that's a hard lesson to learn. Good luck, I really think you need to be strong for her.

apostropheuse · 05/08/2019 15:01

Just tgrow them in the bin and tell her no, she's not getting it as she's far too old for it. A couple lf days and it will be over.

Oysterbabe · 05/08/2019 15:01

You need to tough it out. In a few days she'll be fine. Buy a new special bedtime toy maybe.

Mammyloveswine · 05/08/2019 15:02

Do not give in. I'm going to sound very tough here but you should have got rid of the dummy a long time ago, it is ridiculous for a NT 6 year old to still have a dummy.

I am by no means a perfect parent and my son had a bottle for bed until he was 2.5 so I totally understand the "giving in" as they get so upset.

However you have to stand firm with this, could you choose a new teddy or some new bedding to have instead of the dummy?

I appreciate it's tough OP I really do but please grit your teeth and do not give the dummy back!

Good luck!

Oysterbabe · 05/08/2019 15:03

I don't know why you let the dummy fairy bring them back tbh. None of us like upsetting our children but you need to do things for their own good sometimes. My DD really liked wearing nappies, tough!

Nowthatsamiriacle · 05/08/2019 15:04

This may be an unpopular opinion but I'd let her have the dummy a bit longer. I got rid of my son's dummies when he was 4 at the dentist's recommendation, he screamed bloody murder the first week or so at bedtime, but since then he has started sucking his thumb, which is turning out worse.

If it's not doing any harm, then let the poor girl have her dummy

missyB1 · 05/08/2019 15:05

As someone who sucked a dummy until I was 10 I beg you not to give it back to her! I wanted to give mine up at a much younger age but had no support to do it. Yes your dd is finding it hard but you need to be her support and help her through it.

NKFell · 05/08/2019 15:05

I also think you just have to be strong here, still comfort her and show her you understand how hard it is but keep telling her that ultimately she can't have it. It will get easier!

Love51 · 05/08/2019 15:06

Has she got any adult teeth? Or at least wobbly ones? I'd be explaining that sucking a dummy with adult teeth will stop them growing properly, so it is a bad idea, so they all have to go.
I'd be a softy and fall asleep with her a few times though. I am sure this wouldn't be the professional advice but I'd want to comfort mine. and I'd make DH dispose of them else I'd be tempted to hide them and return them which is pointless. You've started the process, pointless not to carry it through.

MaryH90 · 05/08/2019 15:06

I warned my dd off hers at 1.5 and it did break my heart hearing her cry but it had to be done for her benefit in the long run. I would be very concerned about her teeth at the age of 6. We replaced my dds with teddies, she sleeps with a different one every night and happily gets enough comfort from them. Can you maybe take her to build a bear or somewhere similar and let her get a special teddy she can take to bed?

PinkyU · 05/08/2019 15:07

OP let your lo decide when she’s ready. This is her comfort, no different than a special teddy, would other posters be so quick to tell you to throw her special toy in the bin? I think not.

6 is still little, leave her be. There have been many posts on here about people in their 50’s, 60’s and 70’s+ still taking teddies to bed with them.

(Just make sure to check the dummy for damage, from a safety perspective)

Gatoadigrado · 05/08/2019 15:08

It may sound harsh but I think to some extent you’re reaping the results of having over thought this and gone through the whole rigmarole of a dummy fairy, Santa, buying books about it.... and each time you give in and give the dummy back. It’s all turned this into a massive issue, where she’s then getting a mixed message. Far better to be short, simple and direct. She wants to give it up, she’s told you, and you need to be fair now In going through with her wish.

It’s the same as saying ‘no... no... no... oh alright then’ to a young child. Kids need consistency and to trust you to follow through

thisisthetime · 05/08/2019 15:09

I would carry on and reassure her that it’s for her own good. Make sure she knows it won’t be coming back and stay firm. My 2.5 year old sobbed for 3 nights and was unsettled for another few after that. Horrible at the time but it was well worth it. Once you’ve started you can’t give in. Or where does it end? She’ll know she can cry and cry and you’ll eventually give her what she wants.

My 6 year old has already had a few sleepovers with close friends and plenty with her cousins. She would be so embarrassed if she had a dummy. Rather now than later. Good luck!

Dairymilkmuncher · 05/08/2019 15:09

Sleepovers! Get some girls round the same age as her, let them have all the treats and toys and tire them out and hopefully she would be too embarrassed to have one with them there

Shleepy feet oil is ace

Cuddles and cuddles and a new bed time toy

Heaps of praise when she does it and it's good she's having these rough nights in the holidays and not when she has school the next day. You've got this.

thaegumathteth · 05/08/2019 15:09

So the dentist also knows?

Stick with it. It needs done.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 05/08/2019 15:14

The first night is always the worst OP, and it is tough listening to them cry, but i would persevere. It will only get harder for her to give it up as she gets older. could you get her a toy like this? my dd had one similar, and she used to wrap the legs of it round her fingers to sleep. it was really soft too x

Original poster
Pyromare98 · 05/08/2019 15:14

We've discussed her friends seeing her with a dummy and she would be very embarrassed. Her older sister had a dummy, but gave it to the easter bunny when she was 3 and swapped it for a special toy. She was a bit unsettled for a few nights but got over it. DD2 however is completely different, she is far more attached. I really don't know where if gone wrong that she still feels the the need for the comfort of a dummy.

OP posts:
AllFourOfThem · 05/08/2019 15:14

I think you need to carry on now. As soon as one of her school friends finds out, and they will do, she will be bullied for it and quite possibly for many years. You’ve got through the first night, which is the worst. Perhaps get into bed and give her a cuddle until she goes to sleep instead or do something else to distract and comfort her for the next couple of nights.

One of my children used a dummy at night but also carried one around during the day (in her hand or pocket) as a security. I cut the end off it so it couldn’t be sucked but it meant she could still carry it round and wasn’t confused by having it during the daytime but not at night. She had moments where she was upset for almost a week and was then fine. I think she just have to stay firm and remember that it is kinder for her in the long run to stop using a dummy ASAP.

Topseyt · 05/08/2019 15:15

Cold turkey here. Bin the dummies and stick it out. 6 is way too old to need a dummy. What if her school friends accidentally find out she has a dummy? She'll be taken apart at school.

Get rid now, for her own sake. I'd bet that in a week or so she will be fine.

Replace it with a different comforter, like a favourite teddy or a blanket that she can cuddle. Hopefully that will help her to settle.

I'm afraid though, that by 6 I would have lost patience with them having a dummy long ago.

DodgeRainClouds · 05/08/2019 15:16

You have already done the first night so you need to stick with it. Keep calm and reassure her. She will thank you for it in a few years...she won’t if she still has a dummy. If friends find out they could be very unkind to her and you need to protect her from that by getting rid now. She has to learn to sleep without it. It might be hard for a few nights but you have to stay strong and persevere.

OtraCosaMariposa · 05/08/2019 15:16

Just take it away. Tough love. She's too old for the dummy fairy and the rest of the stuff you'd try with a 2 year old.

However she is definitely old enough to understand that she is a big girl and far too old for a dummy and that it has to go.

No bargaining. No negotiating. No discussion. Tell her in a "this is what is happening" way and just get on with it.

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