6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

Have you considered that she may have a 'need' to suck as a comfort? Some children just do and some children with ASC and /or sensory issues do too.

My NT child had a dummy until she was 4 and my suspected ASC child isn't dry at night and she's 6.

Children are different and they mature and develop at different times. Unless you feel her teeth are affected I would leave it alone. Children who suck their thumbs often suck well after 6 years old.
It seems a bit harsh to just remove it if it's her only source of comfort.

I really don't know where if gone wrong that she still feels the the need for the comfort of a dummy

In the nicest possible way, you’re still over thinking this and making it about you, rather than than just recognising that it doesn’t mean you’ve made some huge parenting error and scarred her for life! She’s a child, she’s developed a habit and now knows she needs to stop.

The dilly dallying, talking and reading books about giving up and then giving it back to her are far more of a problem than simply being kind but firm.

I know it’s tough but sometimes being a parent means doing what’s best not easiest

But surely the reason she doesn’t have another comfort object is BECAUSE she has a dummy? She hasn’t needed another comfort object.
Maybe she will find something else to be attached to once the dummy is gone.

I really feel for you OP. I recently weaned my 2.5 year old from breastfeeding (I daresay there are plenty on here who would sneer that she was 'far too old') and it was so hard. The world is so full of things that will hurt and sadden our children, feeling like you are adding to that for what can seem, an hour into the crying, like a very arbitrary reason is against all our instincts as mothers and heartbreaking.

With breastfeeding, I got round it (both her distress and my guilt!) by being there for her, cuddling her, acknowledging her upset, not making her suffer through it alone as lots of people recommended I did. For a few nights she cried to sleep with her hand or face on my breast, then she just rested there with no crying, after a while she would give it a quick cuddle and then roll over and sleep with me there, now she at the point of having a kiss and a chat and sending me on my way then chatting to herself until she drops off.

It's not the fabled 'three bad nights and done' so many advocate for things on here when 'laying down a boundary' (bedtimes, night feeds, comforters etc) - it's taken weeks and it's been up and down. But to me, that's a price worth paying to get us where I want us to be but it not be solely at her expense. Children aren't dogs to be trained; their pain is worth our time (and theirs) no matter how trivial or irrational the cause may seem from an adult perspective.

Can you go in to her when shes crying, cuddle her, tell her how you understand it's hard, sympathise, remind her of her long term goal and how proud you are of her for taking this step. Just ride it out with her.

When her distress starts to subside at bedtime (hopefully in a week or less), maybe then explore some alternative comfort/soother like an audio-book or music, a ritual like her telling you about her day/what she wants to dream about/what she's going to do tomorrow before saying goodnight in some formulaic way... no point exploring this until she has got used to being without her dummy, it won't be the same and won't answer the need she is experiencing - confront the need and the pain, don't try to distract from it.

I wouldn't advocate another physical comforter or the same issue will arise later down the line when she's 'too old' for a teddy or whatever.

Good luck! it's rubbish and I think you shouldn't for a minute feel silly about how hard you're finding it - it proves you are an empathetic parent.

Completely agree with most of the above. It is heartbreaking hearing them cry and the dummy fairy visited us last week so this is very fresh still. However DS is now going to bed no bother after just a few nights of being firm and sticking to it. You've tried and gone back on it in the past which is just going to confuse her and prolong the upset even more. She's far too old for the dummy, you know that and she knows that. Parenting is sometimes about being the strong one for your children and navigating them through difficult times but showing them that they can do something and it'll be ok. Now is the time to be firm and throw them in the bin so you can't go back on it. Get her to choose a new present be that teddy or something else that she would like and praise her for being a big girl. This time next week she won't be crying for it I am sure!

Honestly, OP let her have it. let her give it up when she wants.

DD sucked her thumb much later. She finally gave up when ready and I realized i had wasted sooooooooo much time stressing over something unimportant.

Let her try blankets and what not but ultimately her choice. She will eventually go away with scouts/brownies/Guides/school whatever and will sleep in a room with others and probably the lead up to that will be the time she really bites the bullet. Or not, as she likes.

Chop the end off and tell her it’s broken - she really is too old, and she knows it if she is embarrassed!
You could always get it put inside a build-a-bear?

Where's the harm? Her teeth are fine, her speech is fine, what is the problem? Genuine question.

I'd let her have it. You introduced it in the first place! She won't be going to bed with a dummy at 15. She's still little, and if it were me she could keep it.

Let her keep it. My oldest is 45 now and had a special blanket until he was about 8 or 9 years old. I never tried to take it from him although my sister did once. My sister is a bitch. It does not harm letting them keep it but as you know it causes trauma if you try to remove it.

I don't think my son remembers his blanket but I do because I still have it.

Remember too that her jaw and teeth are growing and changing all the time, and at this age her adult teeth will be trying to get into the right position to come through. So although the dentist says no harm done so far, it literally means just that. You don’t know how it could be affecting her jaw and teeth alignment from here on in

Ont feel embarrased Op, I'm going through the same with my 4yo people are so judgemental. We've said it time for it to to go as it's affecting her teeth and she's starting school. We've reduced it to a few minutes before sleep only then it will go completely soon.

To those saying it's ridiculous- plenty of kids suck thier thumb or have comforters that age or older. Can you imagine chucking a beloved toy they have had since a new born out and just expecting them to suck it up. That's what it will be like as the dummy is a comfort item.

Having a sucky water bottle might provide a bit of relief if dummy isn't available

Awful. You are putting this decision on her when she is not equipped to make it fully. This needs to be your willpower that carries it through, not hers. Do you really think none of the other parents on here get as upset as you, hearing their child cry at night?

Step up and parent instead of making your child do your job for you.

Instead of going cold turkey, if that's causing distress, could you try and wind it down over the next week, so that the last couple of nights she only has it for a few mins and then without it for bed?

Could you take her to choose a different comforter, teddy or blanket?

I agree that you need to nip this in the bud now, just trying to think of softer ways to do it.

Hi OP, I'm 30, I had my dummy til I was 8. I needed it purely because I had a horrendous childhood. It was my comfort. My only comfort.

I still have said dummy, just so I can see it and know all will be ok!

My teeth are fine, I've never needed braces.

OP let your lo decide when she’s ready. This is her comfort, no different than a special teddy, would other posters be so quick to tell you to throw her special toy in the bin? I think not

Teddies can't harm teeth. No-one would think it odd that a 6yo sleeps with a teddy, but she may get teased if her friends knew about the dummy.

Is i impacting her oral health? Her teeth formation? Her speech?

If it no to ALL of those, then leave it until she is ready.

If it affects one of those even slightly, then it needs to go. Now.

The dentist is wrong in so far as they can't say it hasn't affected her teeth. All they can say is that teeth are unaffected at the moment. My dd has developed a horrendous (and very expensive to correct) overbite as she's grown up which there was zero sign of at 6. All down to dummy use.
Get rid.

I haven't tried it, but I have heard of people cutting the years right off dummies.that early their child can keep the dummy if they are attached to it as an object but cannot use it for its purpose. Obviously they aren't as attached as they or the parent believe them to be once the teat has gone however you are allowing them to retain an attachment with the thing but not in it's designed form.
Personally I'd just get rid of them. I agree with pps that after a couple of nights children do get used to it. How about a sticker chart where your daughter might be able to have a bedtime cuddly she really wants and you can afford after a set number of nights without the dummy?
Having removed a dummy recently from my utterly obsessed 2 year old I understand the woe of a child missing theirs and the sobbing it induces but you really have to stick to your guns, you are only doing it for your your daughters benefit. Good luck.

The longer you let her have it the harder it will be for her to emotionally let it go. You all know she's too old and yes it might be tough for a few days but she's done the first night now. If you let her have it back you have to start all over again. She will never be able to have sleepovers until she gets rid because the kids at school will find out making her a target for bullies. Do what you should have done a long time ago and stick to your guns.

Coming at this from a couple of angles! Personal experience with my own DD - finally took the dummy away 2 months before her 4th birthday. As parents, myself and DH do not allow for tantruming/spoilt behaviour but like your DD, ours was genuinely devastated at the thought of a night without her dummy although she too wanted to be a 'big girl' The first few nights were awful, she seemed so genuinely sad. Not wanting to see your child like this does not make you a bad parent. But sometimes, you still have to go through with whatever is making them sad. For us, we were terrified of the teeth movement and worried for her embarrassment in front of friends at school age. We persevered and after about 5 nights it was a thing of the past.
Conversely, I was (and still am, occasionally at night) a thumb sucker. My parents tried for years to get me to stop - bribery, punishment, foul tasting substances - the lot. Nothing worked. My teeth are fine and I was never bullied, but that is always a more complex issue than just one thing a child does out of the norm. But if they could have chopped my thumb off without physical or criminal consequence, they would! Dummies have few benefits after the age of 1, but the one thing they do have is disposable qualities. So I would strike whilst the iron is hot and carry on with what you are doing. I'm sure she will be fine in the longer run and others have said, maybe a replacement (less babyish) comforter will soften the blow.

@weaningwoes I don't dismiss young kids pain as trivial or irrational, but I do think it is crueller to prolong young kids upset. Far better imo to get it over with as quick as possible.

I think as you've already been through last night, you need to keep going as otherwise you upset her and let her sob herself to sleep for nothing. I don't mean that to sound judgey as I'm not judging at all. Not quite the same thing, but I remember night weaning my two from breastfeeding all night long and it was tough! I think the sleepover idea is good! She definitely wouldn't ask for it if there were loads of her friends around.

Just give her it.

I had one until I was about 10. It's a comfort thing, why would you want to take away her only source of comfort and bed time?

There's no harm in it at all. She will grow out of it when she's ready

And to those saying to let her continue having a dummy, the child in question wants to stop having a dummy. She just needs help from her parents to follow through.