6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

OP, I have a 32 year old friend who still sucks her thumbs and has a comfort 'rag', all because her mother was soft and would not sever her emotional connection to the action and item as she grew up. I strongly believe that you need to toughen up and not give in. Soon enough your DD will realise she doesn't need the dummy. Good luck.

Take her shopping for a special teddy to sleep with at night. Explain she is having it because she has been such a big brave girl giving her dummy up. See if it helps.
If I were you I would not give it her back tonight, you've done one night without it so stick it out. We went cold turkey with my 2 year old 2 months ago. Lots of tears for a couple of days but we stuck to our guns and he is now happily dummy free.

My sister sucked her dummy until she went to secondary school. She just realised she didn’t want it then and that was it. Teeth and speech are fine.

My dd gave up her dummy at the age of 3, I snipped a small piece off and gave it back to her. It didn’t give the same pleasure any more and she gave it up herself. I think the website I used for inspiration was called byebyebinky.com.
My dd was developing dental problems, the top row of her teeth formed an arch where the dummy sat and did not meet the bottom row. I was advised that so long as she gave it up by around 3.5yrs it should resolve. Thankfully she gave it up soon after and her teeth are now ok.
I know it is hard at any age but I think the longer you leave it the harder it will be. Good luck!

We had the Binky Fairy come (dd was younger though) - she took all the binkies and left M&Ms instead. Put all the dummies in a jar and the dummy fairy can leave money or chocolate or something.

The first night is the worst.

You can’t give it back now, she’ll never give it up if you do.
Bin them and stick with it.
Let her pick out a special teddy or toy. Even go build a bear if you must.
6 is extremely old to have a dummy, you aren’t doing her any favours.
Dd started having sleepovers at 6 with her friends and with her rainbows club. what would happen if she wanted to go to a sleepover?

@jennymanara

I do think it is crueller to prolong young kids upset. Far better imo to get it over with as quick as possible

But you could say that about all pain and sadness. It always 'goes away' quicker if you ignore it and make no accommodation to it, i.e. people stop complaining about/sharing their sadness.

This is why 'cry it out' sleep training 'works' - children are smart enough to realise there is no point crying or expressing their emotions if they are ignored/ostracised for doing so. So they stop. That doesn't necessarily mean the pain they felt or continue to feel is any less, just that they have stopped expressing it.

There are people who theorise that this means it is 'over with' quicker; my own personal take is that emotions do not 'go away' when they are ignored, and that it is healthier to work through them. For example I lost my mum in a very unpleasant way a year ago. It's something people are very uncomfortable talking about, which carries a stigma; and obviously there is nothing to be done about it. So would it have been in my best interest for my loved ones to ignore my pain, to leave me to cry about it on my own, the better to 'get over it' and return to normal life as quickly as possible? Or was it better for my loved ones to hug me when I cried, to comfort me however they could, to listen to me talk about my mum and talk through how she died and why it hurt? Was this just 'prolonging' my upset? Or supporting me through it?

Like I say, I don't think it is healthy to view feelings as problems to be 'got over with', even the unpleasant ones. Our feelings and our children's feelings are worth our time, and theirs.

Mine never had dummies, but they had 'blankies'. They both pretty much gave them up on their own though. But both of them kept them in their rooms long after they stopped sleeping with them.

Do you think she'd be able to sleep if she just saw her dummy so she'd have the comfort of knowing it was near? Like put it on the nightstand or a chest of drawers then gradually move it further and further away until it's actually out of the room?

At 6 years old children are old enough to know that dummies are for babies.

I took DS's away at age 2. We had 3 nights of crying and then he forgot all about it.

Why not use something else as a comforter? My DS is 6 now and sleeps with a teddy.

Sometimes you just have to be firm and not pander. Personally I think allowing dummies at age 6 is ridiculous.

No judgement.

I suspect your daughter has a retained infantile swallowing pattern. Addressing that might help kick the habit. Have a look into myofunctional therapy. It isn't widespread in this country, but lots of them do online consultations using FaceTime etc. They can give your daughter exercises to do. If you can help her understand the value of doing the exercises and motivate her to want to change then myofunctional therapy can be very successful.

Honestly, if it doesn’t harm her teeth and it’s only at bedtime, who cares? She will give it up when she’s ready.

You got through the first terrible night and didn’t give in so keep going, no matter how tough it seems just now.

Why is a teddy or blankie acceptable, but not a dummy? It’s all self-comfort.

I wonder whether it would work to tell her that she needs to try to sleep for an hour (so if bedtime is 7.30, till 8.30) to go to sleep without her dummy. She won’t freak out as she knows she hasn’t a whole night to get through, just an hour. But eventually she’ll get tired and start nodding off before the hour is done?

“And to those saying to let her continue having a dummy, the child in question wants to stop having a dummy. She just needs help from her parents to follow through.”

Lol. Not what I read. Read about a several year campaign of parental pressure that the child is acquiescing to in order to try and please her parents. What else do you call

“We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset. ”

And the fact she cries herself to sleep when she has no dummy?

@AngelasAshes because it gets harder as a habit to break the older you get. The OPs DD wants to give up her dummy, she needs help to.

She's asked to give it up so she's ready, she just needs some support.

You wouldn't start feeding chocolate to a spouse who has asked to eat healthily... Why is this any different?

Support your dd to get rid of the dummy, she's done the worst part, the first night. Replace it with another comforter like a Teddy.

Could you make a bit of an event going out to buy a new comfort item, a stuffed toy for example? Have lunch out, then choose a bedtime toy? I would also just keep reinforcing that she needs to give up the dummy and that you know she can do it. Yes, it’s hard to hear the crying, but she’ll get through it and you can continue to give her hugs and positive reinforcement when she makes it through the night.

Some very mixed responses. My husband and I have been prompting her to give it up for years now, but we've always wanted it to be her decision, as we didn't want her to think we were taking away her favourite thing. We haven't given in as such before, as we never took them away. We did encourage her to give them up via books, the dummy fairy ect. But last night was her first without a dummy since she was 2 months old. The closest we got was Christmas eve when she was about 4, she left the dummies out for santa under the tree. When we got upstairs she quickly decided that it was a mistake, so we went down and got them. I know that I'm a massive softy, but I don't want her to feel like she doesn't have a say in the matter.

It normally falls out when she's asleep too, so it's really only in her mouth for 20-30 mins each night.

DD2 gave up the dummy just after her 4th birthday. DD1 gave it up when she was 1 (very easily!) but DD2 loved it. I told her she had to give it up when she was 4 because dummies stopped working then (our dentist, who is a friend, told us it does affect their teeth from that point).

I sneakily stabbed one dummy at a time leading up to her 4th birthday. She would put it in her mouth and tell me it didn't suck properly. I told it's because she was nearly 4 and so they would stop working. I did one every couple of nights until eventually she had none left.

She wasn't too bad the first night but then the second she did cry for it. That was back in April and there have been a handful of times when she has cried for it at bedtime and said she really wants it back. But I just repeat that she's too old and they don't work.

I think you have to be firm now - you know she's too old and she has already done the first night so it would be a shame to waste that. Good luck!

Don't feel bad - it isn't a crime! I sucked my thumb until I was nearly 20 and as far as I know it hasn't done me any harm. Never had a brace and have perfect elocution!

I massively bribed DD when she was 5 to get rid of her nighttime dummy - more because of the ferocious disapproval of other people than because it bothered me.

To help her come to terms with it, we had a special 'farewell dummy ceremony' and she put all her dummies in a special pot and the dummy fairy took them away and in the morning she had a big old Barbie house - which was what she hoped the dummy fairy would bring her.

She did struggle to get to sleep for the first few weeks afterwards, but we got there in the end.

Not read the full thread - apologies if this has already been suggested. I read an article by a child expert of some kind who suggested they exchange the dummy for something they really wanted. So both my daughters got a bike with it. I explained to the understanding guy in our local bike shop and they literally handed them over in a plastic bag to him. We’d talked about it beforehand and they were really keen to get ‘big girls’ bikes (they both did this separately, arranged for their last day in nursery so around 4 or 5). They were a bit unsettled but accepted that they’d gone and that something good has come out of it. Not sure if this is something you could try?

Why not try going without it for different parts of the week?

You’ve done the hard night. Throw the dummy away and be done with it. You’ve made the problem much worse by not dealing with this when she was younger.

If she has any SEN or similar then I don’t know what the right advice is.

'I'd let her have it. You introduced it in the first place! She won't be going to bed with a dummy at 15. She's still little, and if it were me she could keep it.'
Exactly !