6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

Quite surprised that some people are supporting you giving the dummy back at 6 years old.
You are confusing your poor DD and she’s telling you she’s embarrassed by it. Parenting has it’s tough parts, but this is a case of you being ‘cruel’ to be kind in the long run.

I wouldn't worry about it. Everyone has such an issue with dummys. They soothe babies, toddlers and sometimes children. You wouldn't stop her taking her favourite Teddy to bed because she's too old. She will eventually grow out of it but if it soothes her and she's aware she's too old I wouldn't stress her. Children suck their thumbs for comfort and you can't take that away. Honestly I would just let her be. She'll stop when she's ready.

I am a hypothetical 12 year old and still wet at night not because I have a medical condition - "it's just that I like it. My parents don't see any problem with it as long as I have my big girl nappies in the night because I was embarrassed about it and I know I should really be potty trained now. Sometimes mummy tells me I am too big for bedtime nappies and really need to be a big girl and use the toilets but I tell her I love the warm fuzzy feeling the warm wee gives me at night. It makes my heart go all fuzzy. When I tell mummy this, she feels sorry for me and tells me 'aah whatever', as long as you are happy my little darling.
I think I am confused now, mum says I should hold on tight as she wants to ask Mumsnet jury.
Oh well, there is a split in opinions, most think I should be brave and get rid but some say, I am only a child and that she should let me be.
Well, thank you Mumsnet, I get to keep my dummy
Not sure for how long - maybe till 16 years or more as long as no-one knows (don't forget mum knows I am embarrassed by it).
I may have a massive gap in my front teeth set as my teeth will grow around the dummy. PS: Most of my growing happens when I sleep. My self esteem is no issue I don't think. I have through this learnt... Nothing.

How embarrass ing
Who is it embarrassing for? The child uses it at night in the privacy of her home, I assume her parents aren’t going to shame her? Embarrassing for her parents, who as adults can decide what’s right for their own child? Or is it a way of random people in the internet bullying parents to “man up” and parent the way the herd thinks they should.

There’s nothing wrong with going at a child’s pace with these things, and quite a bit to be gained by supporting her to find her own way.

A good number of adults on here have posted about using a dummy or sucking their thumb at that age with no long term consequences - explain why it’s embarrassing?

I'm genuinely upset by some of the comments on here. Please show this child and mother some empathy. No one is in danger of anything just a child who enjoys her dummy at bedtime. Who cares! If this post had never been written would anyone even know?! I expect she's not the only 6 year old with a dummy.

There’s a huge difference between being wet at night at 12 and using a dummy at 6. It’s well established that night time dryness is controlled by hormones, so at 12 it’s fair to expect the hormones have developed and the child would be dry regardless of using a nappy or pull up, so they wouldn’t be getting the “warm fuzzy feeling from warm wee”. If the hormonal response hasn’t developed it’s a health issue that can be medically treated.

Using a comforter is pretty normal for small children, is a social construct that says she’s too old to need it - she clearly does still need it on some level but developmentally that need will lessen in time or move to a different type of comfort object like a teddy or blankie. Your comparison is nonsense.

Jellycatspyjamas, read the original post from OP.
People not agreeing is bullying? That's quite unfair on all who didn't agree with your way of thinking.
She brought this for people to express their thinking on it. Banging the word bullying about doesn't change it to bullying.
She asked the masses, the masses told her what they thought.

Let's reduce the hypothetical 12 year old to 7,8 or 9 when the 'hormones' haven't kicked in then Miss Jelly. Is the comparison still nonsense to you? Or are you feeling bullied? Love this thread.

I don’t think people disagreeing with me is in any way bullying and I don’t much care whether random internet people agree with me either.

There’s absolutely no reason for a child to be embarrassed unless they are told by others that what they’re doing isn’t ok or is shameful in some way, and I don’t see why the OP should be embarrassed about meeting her child’s need in a way that others might not.

There’s a difference in saying I wouldn’t do it that way, I think you’re being too gentle with her, you need to set clearer boundaries, you’ve given her mixed messages - all of which may have some element of truth to them - and saying her decision, or her child’s need for the dummy, is shameful or embarrassing. The latter is a way of coercing someone to do what parts of society thinks they should based on shame and guilt, which in my experience is a form of bullying.

Given my child still used pull ups at 7 because she wasn’t dry at night, and I wasn’t going to have her sleep in a wet bed, yes it still stands.

And no, I don’t feel bullied at all. Naming behaviour as possibly bullying doesn’t equate to me personally feeling bullied.

This is an excerpt from OP's original post. It suggests to me the child is embarrassed about it. And sorry if this is not the implication of this.

*':She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one)'

But how is she aware she’s too old for it? Who told her she was too old - she clearly still has a need for it. And why would she be mortified if people know about it unless others have given her the message that’s it’s ok for people to shame you if they don’t like your behaviour regardless of it not actually harming anyone.

My daughter wasnt dry for a while too
The difference, they will like to be and are trying and we are encouraging them to be dry whiles providing the pull ups. They don't choose to be wet, they want to be dry and they try to be. If they were fully trained and fine but then chose to have a wet night and decided to keep going, I am very sure you will see it as an act of love not to support it.

But she already wants to give up the dummy, she is embarrassed to still have it. Of course she will miss it, and is finding the acclimatisation period uncomfortable. She needed support to follow through on her decision, not to have the very thing she was trying to get away from offered to her when she was at her weakest!
Would you offer a fag to someone trying to give up when they are in the middle of a strong craving? Because that's what you did, OP. She was trying to give up, but finding it hard.

Any adult thumbsuckers out there - have you tried this? Make your sucky thumb hand into a fist with your thumb inside your fingers. Press the side of your 1st finger onto your top lip, as if sucking thumb. Worked for me. The suck was only part of the soothing magic, the lip pressure was the rest.

If they were fully trained and fine but then chose to have a wet night and decided to keep going, I am very sure you will see it as an act of love not to support it.
My daughter has moved between being dry and wanting a pull up at times, usually when she’s anxious about something or feeling insecure. I don’t share her for wanting it, and sometimes I’ve agreed to letting her use one for a night or two and then helped her talk about her anxieties and move back to not using pull ups again. Child development is far from linear, I’m ok with her moving back and forth at times as long as the overall arc is towards maturity. I want her to know that, at home at least, she can be in need of support, feel anxious and need a sense of security and that she won’t be shamed or embarrassed for it. That once the immediate need has passed I’ll help her move forward again.

I’m sure folk will think that makes me soft, ineffective or inconsistent but tbh I’m more concerned that my child feels secure in herself and in our relationship.

I'd hide this thread if I were you OP , there are some very straightlaced obviously perfect parents on here ( well they think they are). i feel sorry for their children.

You've done the right thing. (though I wouldn't bin the dummies leave them so SHE has the option of the comfort if she needs it) We all change our minds at times esp. when we're 6

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

"i feel sorry for their children."

It's all a question of perspective. I've known a fair few people who had to have a load of dental work in their teens or twenties because their parents thought extended dummy use was cute or that enforcing tooth-brushing was cruel. None of them are going around saying "I'm so grateful for my mother's beautiful, child-led, gentle parenting ethos". Rather, they tend to moan that their lazy parents didn't want to step up to the hard bits of parenting because they always had to be the "good guy".

No need to feel sorry for my child who gave up his dummy at 1. His teeth are great thanks and he knows he has a parent who will parent him and not shirk away from the tough decisions or just be his friend.

It's silly to think that we're all the same and ALL children's teeth are spoiled by dummies or thumb sucking because it just isn't true. it's useful to be flexible in our outlooks and lives.

My ds never sucked anything and needed orthodontics at age 12 my 2 dds have lovely straight teeth and both sucked their thumbs till they were 7. Same with my dsis and me.

It is silly to think all children are the same, agreed. But it is also silly to think that just because OP’s DD’s teeth are fine at the moment, there is no harm in her carrying on until whatever age suits.

It is true though. The science is there. You don't have to look far to find the evidence. Not everyone who smokes will get lung cancer or not all lung cancer is caused by smoking yet the probabilities are there for us to see.
The health issue in this case is secondary tbh. OP didn't mention it. It is a WWYD question.

My youngest daughter loved her dummy. We went shopping to our local toy shop where she could pay for any toy she wanted with her dummies. She understood that if she used them as payment that she got the new toy and the dummies stayed in the shop. It worked for us. We hadn't however tried anything else. Good luck, but ultimately it's her decision if she's ready. You don't see adults with dummies so does it really matter if it's only in bed? xx

NC as this would be outing to a lot of people who know me. I had a dummy til I was a similar age to OPs DD and then my parents got rid of them suddenly and with no consultation with me. I wasn’t ready, I missed the comfort and I later became angry and resentful towards my parents over being made to get rid.

When I was about 8 I found a lost dummy on the floor of a supermarket, I snuck it up my sleeve and took it home where I washed it with toothpaste and then used it. I feel like I became a bit obsessed with dummies as a pre-teen and I think it’s because I hadn’t had any control in getting rid of them, it was just done to me, and part of me felt like I could have that control and comfort back. It felt like a little rebellion and a way to get back at my parents for taking them in the first place.

When I was about 15 I bought some dummies and started sleeping with them most nights. I wasn’t embarrassed about it, I was quite open about it with my friends and honestly nobody cared. If anything it was seen as kind of cool and subversive in a teenage rebellion way and I’d wear them as jewellery on a necklace or as rings at school. Then I got into the whole raver scene and it wasn’t seen as at all strange to go out to a club with a dummy. I used to have a dummy as a sort of fashion statement.

I think I still slept with a dummy most nights until I was about 19 (and yes, I had boyfriends who knew and didn’t care. It was just seen as a weird quirk) when the novelty just sort of wore off and I got rid of them all. There were a few nights where I struggled to sleep at first but after that no problem. My teeth are fine and I don’t still use, want or need a dummy as an adult.

I’d just let your DD get on with it. I feel like if I’d just been left to get rid of the dummy on my own terms I would have done it in middle childhood once I started going to sleepovers instead of carrying resentment towards my parents around with me.

Yes, I think when the time comes for your DD to give it up she may need some help to do so and I think binning them so she can’t change her mind is a good idea, but please don’t do it until it’s her idea and something she’s in control of. Don’t just take them or there’s a good chance she will resent you for it - I definitely resented my parents.

It makes absolutely no sense to put a child through this level of distress by removing a comfort that is so easy to provide.

Children,a true at different rates in different areas of development. If she still needs a dummy at the age of 16, I would be a bit concerned about her going off to uni and encourage her to do something about it.

In the meantime, she is little and needs this comfort, just like any child who uses a teddy or comforter to fall asleep.

Pushing children to mature in a way that causes the unnecessary distress does not make you a good parent. She won't feel insecure because you have recognised her distress and allowed her access to something she still needs.

She might decide to give them up a few more times before she succeeds. Support her but please don't force it. Children make the best progress when they are driving it themselves.

She's unusual on being so dependent on a dummy at this age but I know plenty of people who sucked their thumbs every night to fall asleep into teenage and beyond.

Cut yourself and her some slack, move one and let her lead this. When she is ready, she will do it and you'll look back one day and wonder why you were so bothered about it.

FWIW, I persuaded my DD2 to give up dummies a little too early. When she was nine and having a tough time, she went and bought herself one with her pocket money and hid it in her bedroom. I clearly should have supported her to carry on using hers to fall asleep for longer.

Could you order a 'make your own' teddy from Amazon and sew the dummy inside? She could still cuddle her dummy and use it as a comforter in a different way. My dd has just turned 8 and is still highly attached to her Monkey teddybear that my parents bought her when she was 18 months. When she was little she used to call him her 'crying toy' and would reach for him when she was upset. I wouldnt take Monkey away even at 16. I know a dummy is different but there needs to be a compromise