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AIBU?

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Original poster

6 yr old DD still has a dummy

475 replies

Pyromare98 · 05/08/2019 14:45

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

OP posts:
Dandelion1993 · 06/08/2019 16:59

My eldest is 5 and we chucked hers straight in the bin and just told her no more.

No silly dummy fairy, no weaning just get rid.

There are some situations where as the parents, you have to be tough and stern and this is one of them.

MargoLovebutter · 06/08/2019 17:02

Just out of interest Dandelion1993, why is this an instance when as a parent you have to be tough and stern?

Widowodiw · 06/08/2019 17:15

I can’t beleove you have it her back. For those saying it’s not an issue what if she unexpectedly in an emergency has to stay at a relatives overnight they
Are not going to think to buy her a dummy are they?

Just take it off her and on
Three days she will
Be over it.
Summer hols was perfect time to do it and distract her with activities ie come back a bit later and get her tired out.

jellycatspyjamas · 06/08/2019 17:33

For those saying it’s not an issue what if she unexpectedly in an emergency has to stay at a relatives overnight they
Are not going to think to buy her a dummy are they?

Both my DC have cuddle guys that they sleep with, aged 6 and 8. If they had to have an emergency stay with relatives the chances are they wouldn’t have them, and yes they do need them to get to sleep and would be very distressed without them - will I just chuck them out now on the off chance they might not have them in an emergency? Or, maybe I’ll accept that human beings of all ages need comfort and that they’ll grow out of it in their own time, and deal with an emergency if it arises.

I honestly don’t see why a blankie, cuddle toy or favourite pillow is acceptable, why a child sucking their thumb is acceptable but a child who uses a dummy for comfort going to sleep is in some way shameful.

jellycatspyjamas · 06/08/2019 17:33

Argh cuddle toys. Cuddle guys are a very long way off Grin

Mrspenfold123 · 06/08/2019 17:45

You need a ritual.
Arrange a ceremonial goodbye and bury it in the garden.

MarvellousMonsters · 06/08/2019 17:46

Children that are breastfed to natural term/self-weaning are sometimes still nursing at 6 or even 7 years. When you look at it from that perspective, is it really that bad? No. It isn’t. All those throwing their hands up and saying to toughen her up and it’s poor parenting need to take a moment to think about what’s developmentally normal.

She only has it at bedtime, it’s a comforter and she knows it’s not to be used at any other time. She’s not walking around all day with it in her mouth, or launching herself at it the second she gets out of school.

Should she give it up? Probably (I personally hate dummies, significant use is linked to dental issues, sleep apnea and ear infections) but comfort (sucking) is an emotional need for babies and small children, and forcing a child to abruptly give up a source of comfort is at best, unkind, and at worst, traumatic.

Icepinkeskimo · 06/08/2019 17:46

There's some very harsh comments by others on here.
This is not about 'your the parent blah blah blah' I still had my dummy at 6 years old. My advice would be this, be gentle and start to cut down the dummy time gradually.
She's your little one and you can both work together on this.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 06/08/2019 17:51

Who’s the parent here? Man up and remove the dummy - if it makes you more comfortable do an exchange for a toy or day out stop trying to be her friend and parent her Confused

PolkaDot41 · 06/08/2019 18:00

Been in your position OP. Throwing them in the bin was the only way. I let my DD get a special little cuddly toy instead of the dummy as a replacement. Stick to your guns & throw them away. Good luck x

anxyinmypantsy · 06/08/2019 18:09

When my dad took my dummy away, he told me to suck my thumb... still, at the age of 26 I cannot sleep without my thumb in my mouth. Try to find her something else to use!

dottiedodah · 06/08/2019 18:20

The first few nights will probably be the worst!.Can you sleep next to her on an airbed for a couple of nights maybe?.If she is 6 then she will be going into yr 2 presumably ?.Best to try and do it over the summer hols as she will be weaned off it by September .Why not talk about lots of things to do maybe Swimming,going to the park seeing GM etc to take her mind off it?

LoveBeingAMum555 · 06/08/2019 18:27

Haven't read the whole thread but we had the same issue and I realised that we should have bitten the bullet much earlier. In desperation we came up with the idea of allowing DS to keep his dummies sealed in a small plastic tupperware box with about half a roll of sellotape around it. The deal was that he could still have his dummies in bed with him but if he ever tried to open the box they went in the bin. I know it sounds weird but it worked, for a few weeks he went to sleep cuddling the box, then it moved to the bedside table, then one day I quietly removed it and he didn't even comment.

Bagshot · 06/08/2019 18:30

I decided to stop my three year old from having a dummy, as it was embarrassing and annoying that I had to keep shoving it in her mouth every time there was a meltdown.
I cut up all her dummies, threw them in the bin in front of her and told her she was a big girl now.
If you do that in front of your daughter, she will know that no matter how much she cries, she won't be getting a dummy, so will you.
It will be hard for both of you, but shouldn't last more than a couple of days.
Good luck!

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 06/08/2019 18:36

I had similar with a bottle though. I had a bottle for bed til I was 7 😳😳😳😳😳 my parents got me a very special gift for giving up.i actually can't believe I was so old but there we go. Luckily ny teeth are/were fine too, it could have been a lot worse

Mummyontherocks · 06/08/2019 18:36

Why is she too old? Who says? If it's not causing a problem and you're just worried about what other people think of you then you need to decide which is more important - your child's distress or what other people think of you.

DragonMamma · 06/08/2019 18:42

I echo those who say you need to parent your daughter.

You need to get on board with getting rid of the dummies. She is 6 fgs Hmm

The fact you caved last night meant she had 2 nights of distress for nothing.

Don’t consult her about cutting them up tonight. Cut the whole lot up so neither you or her can access them.

Your DH is the seemingly sensible one. You seem to be a big part of the problem Op.

FelicisNox · 06/08/2019 18:46

Why don't you have another chat, say you know she's aware that she's too old for a dummy and the time has come to donate it to a poorly baby in a hospital who desperately needs one.

I did this with my youngest: We decorated a shoe box and filled the box with dummies and bottles and wrote a nice letter to the "poorly baby".

We then left it outside the front door for the postman and when she went to bed I put it in the bin and gave her a note from the "postman" the next morning thanking her for her kind gift.

I made a huge fuss of how kind and wonderful she was and suggested we go shopping for a new cuddly (soft toy).

Job done. Grin

csigeek · 06/08/2019 18:50

What would you all do if it was her thumb?

Ohnoducks · 06/08/2019 19:00

@percheron67 it teaches suck reflex and reduces the risk of SIDs in babies up to 6 months by 50% (corrected age for pre-term babies). We said no to a dummy, the nicu nurses brought us leaflets on why it would mean our baby was less likely to die in their sleep, they both had a dummy within the hour!

notanotherpothole · 06/08/2019 19:05

Your daughter wants to do something that she finds very difficult. Your job as parents is to support her, acknowledge that it's hard and offer her comfort through her struggle. Not to undermine her efforts by letting her quit, leaving her feeling like she failed.
Unfortunately she is going to face many hard times in life. Set the tone now, give her coping skills and help her. It will help her so much more throughout life. Help her, cuddle her and tell her she is doing a great job and you know it's very hard. Stop helping her fail.

Cupcake5678 · 06/08/2019 19:06

I struggle with views on this, yes I would and have toughen up and get rid of the dummy. It’s really hard to see your little one struggle but it will be worth it in the end. Be thankful it’s a dummy you can get rid of, I know adults who still suck their thumb/ fingers in times of stress.

percheron67 · 06/08/2019 19:10

Oh!noducks. Fair comment. I would have done the same in those circumstances. Hope little one is well.

HJWT2 · 06/08/2019 19:15

@Pyromare98 Your just making it worse and worse for the poor girl, taking it away... giving it back... now your going to cut it up. Either TAKE the dummy away FOR GOOD & show her it is in the bin OR let her keep it, she is 6 years old. More than old enough to realise why it is going in the bin! What your doing is just teasing her.

Tell her the dentist has said she cant have it because of her teeth! Worked with my sisters DC

Mummabear12345567889 · 06/08/2019 19:18

Good luck tonightSmile

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