6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

I was in the same boat with my 5 year old dd until last week .
We only let her keep it past three because she's been a very poorly kid from birth and it was her comfort due to pain. However she's just had some operations and the time came to get rid so we just threw it in the bin told her she was too big and bought her a bedtime teddy to cuddle.
We had two unsettled bedtimes but by the third night she never mentioned it.
Just take it away and replace it with something more age appropriate would be my advice.

My 2 year old also cried for 2 hours the first night. I held him and cuddled him. And let him sleep in my bed. The next night he cried for 15 mins. He was sad, just that. I acknowledged his sadness but reiterated he couldn’t have his dummy. By the end of the week he had forgotten about it. Two months later he found a dummy and said: what this Mummy?
Of course she’s upset. It’s a habit of SIX years you are trying to break. SIX years. Of course she doesn’t have a comfort object. She hasn’t needed one. But you are constantly giving her mixed signals. There is too much talk about it. Too many incentives. Too much emotion being attached to it from YOUR end. Just say, we are saying ‘bye to the dummy’, acknowledge her sadness, offer her physical comfort and do not go back on it. This is all very confusing for a child.

Oh my goodness this has become a big thing. You need to throw them in the bin and just suck up the crying. She will not be emotionally harmed by it. The whole concept of stuffing a dummy in a babies mouth is a pants idea snapshot.!

Get rid of it, it is a disgusting habit and can distort the formation of the mouth.

My cousins kids were like this. My cousin was a thumb sucker until adulthood and wanted to avoid her kids being the same way so they got dummies to avoid it, but unsurprisingly were completely addicted (as she was to her thumb). Tried numerous times to get rid but nothing worked. Eventually when they heard how my DD (who they love, aww) had given hers up on her 3rd birthday with no fuss (which was true!) they finally managed to do it. Aged 6 and 9!!!!!
Thing is at 6... she knows it’s babyish. She (hopefully) knows it may harm her adult teeth (it did harm the 9yo teeth as she had adult teeth but so would sucking her thumb). Honestly my opinion is that the time for you to be strict over it was 4, or 3 or 2 years ago. I think it would be very harsh to get strict and mean over it now (I realise you’re not but a general comment), as in a way it’s your fault it wasn’t tackled earlier when it would have been easier for her (and when she wouldn’t really remember it).
My DD had no alternative comforter and it was hard for her and even now at 4.5 if she has a nightmare or is upset there’s nothing else she has (apart from me) that makes her feel better.
With my 18m DTs I gave them a toy as well as the dummy from the start, so now they have to have their taggy or bunny as well as their dummy for sleep. A fricking pain in the ass now but I’m hoping when we lose the dummy it will be easier on them than it was on DD.
I think you should let her keep it - I mean, don’t hide your disapproval - don’t buy her any new ones - and tell her you don’t want to see it, if you want; but let her keep it. What is the point of letting her cry herself to sleep for weeks potentially and resent you for it, which she will probably remember long term. I don’t think I could, but I’m sure plenty on here would think I’m a crap parent for saying let her keep it!

Comfort sucking is relatively normal for a baby. But a six year old should not need to comfort suck. How does she ‘self soothe’ when she is upset otherwise? She doesn’t get a dummy does she?
And the comparison to blankets is absurd. This child will start to lose her teeth soon. There is a physical correlation with the dummy. Plus she’s embarrassed. My son’s school (not in the UK) has one night residentials in Y1. Imagine if she wants to go but can’t because of a dummy.
I am all for comforting children, I really don’t believe in sleep training or crying it out or distressing a child needlessly but this IS bad habit. If you don’t break it now when will you break it? It’s all very well to say ‘she won’t have it when she’s 10’ but there are PPs here who did have it till they were 10 and do regret their parents not taking it away!

Adults baffle me sometimes, why is it bad parenting if a parent allows their child to have comfort in a dummy at 6?
It’s not crack.
Im sure if half the adults on here had their coping mechanisms removed (wine/gin/fags etc) forever and sent to the ‘Gin fairy’ they wouldn’t cope.
Those are unhealthy soothing aids, they kill you. 🙄🙄🙄

Hear hear mama!

OP- I read the post again and you said it hasn’t harmed her teeth but presumably she still has her milk teeth at 6? Are you really willing to take the gamble that it won’t push her adult teeth out? can you afford years of orthodontic treatment and does she know about the risks and general horribleness of braces?
(My softness and laziness as a parent is only matched by my stingy ness. I would kick myself if I had to pay out £100s or £1000s to fix a problem that I could’ve prevented)

Having said that if you do take the dummy away she may just start sucking her fingers and you still have a problem anyway...

Please, please throw it away op. My parents still let me have one at the age of 6 and it's just cost me thousands in braces and lifelong jaw pain!

My dentist has assured me it was most definitely the dummy. Cruel to be kind and all...

Both my dentist and orthodontist said that a dummy is nowhere near as harmful as thumb sucking. And short of chopping off a kid's thumbs, the latter is a far harder habit to break.

If you'd asked me before I'd had kids (one of them very sucky) I'd never have believed I'd say this, but there is absolutely nothing disgusting or wrong about a dummy. These days they're shaped to case fewer problems.
Just don't leave them in your little kid's mouth all day. If you just use them when they need comfort, there's really not an issue.

I'm shocked at the harshness of the posts. Let her have the dummy fgs. Her teeth are fine, her speech is fine. So she has an attachment to it? So what! Kids suck thumbs till much older, what would mumsnet have those parents do? Chop it off? She will grow out of it and it's only at bedtime. I assume it falls out when she's asleep. It's probably in there for about half hour, if that. Yes ideally she would have stopped younger but parenting is tough and you've let her have it this long probably because you love her and don't want to upset her. She is probably very comfortable and loved and secure if that is your parenting style, so don't feel ashamed.

I hate this parental attitude that we should be brutal with our kids when we would never be like that with an adult. 'Just let them cry they will stop eventually' - nice!

I think it's time to step up as a parent, throw them in the bin. If they're not available you can't give in.
She didn't give in, you did and you're the parent.
Sometimes being a parent is hard, cuddles etc all round but when they're gone they're gone.

She's not walking round the supermarket or school with it in her mouth fgs why should she be ashamed?

If she goes to a sleepover or has one she'd be far too excited to sleep or think about her dummy. This is a huge fuss about nothing. Let her have it, all of you (well not all) stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

Yep, agreed. Just stop talking about the bloody dummy and leave her be with it. I'm not even a dummy-defender, my kids used them for a short time and grew out of them but if they still wanted one at bedtime so be it. Her teeth are fine so all of this is about what comforters are more socially acceptable, and nothing to do with this poor kid.

@Clownfish123 Of course we would be like this with an adult who had a damaging habit they should have outgrown.

If you just use them when they need comfort, there's really not an issue

Why do all these dummy suckers need so much comfort? I’m not being goady, truly find the habit peculiar and would love to know what’s going through their minds when they do it. If my children are upset about something, they might cry a bit and I’ll give them a cuddle. Doesn’t occur to me that they should be “soothing” themselves with something else.

Honestly, I think parents use dummies with newborns because it stops them crying for food. The crying is hard to listen to. I’ve seen people feed their baby, wind them then immediately pop the dummy in and lay the baby back down. So they are permanently sucking.

I guess if endless sucking is all they know, it must be hard to give up the practice.

I kinda hope you're joking op!!!
Throw the bloody dummies away and be consistent for your dd's sake! She won't know whether she's coming or going with you two!

@jennymanara - in what situation?
Adults have the freedom to make their own terrible choices and still really struggle to give up vices/attachments etc, but it is never forced on them against their will.
I am always surprised at the ease with which people say 'just let them cry they stop eventually' course they do, they will eventually tire but it's incredible traumatic, even more so for a 6 year old if they are not used to that kind of treatment and are not emotionally developed.
If you had an elderly person in a home being left to cry themselves to sleep it would be considered cruel.
I know at times it is necessary to be cruel to be kind, but it's a dummy! If it is exclusively used at bedtime it's probably in her mouth for minutes not hours.

cant you cut the suck bvit off and sew it on a bit blanket?...if it was the sook she wanted swhed find her thumb?i have a high anxiety/dads a knob trauma'd child who is 9.still has a small comforter blankee. whatchu do in your own bed is your own business surely.

Not sure whether this has been suggested as, in all honesty haven't rtft. It's 15 pages! Anyway, do you not have anyone locally that makes memory bears? If so, maybe have one made out of a familiar fabric/old blanket/piece of clothing and ask them to 'incorporate' the dummy inside it. She'd always have it with her for bed, even on s sleepover and nobody would know. Tbh I was mean mummy that confiscated the dummy at 18 months, but not going to judge anyone else, I have plenty of other battles with DD.

I don't think having the dummy is that bad. It's not ideal but it's better than sucking her thumb.

But your method of dealing with this is so mean. Making her do without it for 2 hours then eventually giving in. She wont know if she's coming or going.

Come on that's just cruel.

Posters saying they don’t know why people find it odd to suck a dummy at age 6 compared to a thumb... I suspect it’s because dummies are rubber nipples.

Am I wrong? Mine didn’t have dummies but isn’t that what they are meant to recreate? The feel of a nipple?

Honestly, I think parents use dummies with newborns because it stops them crying for food

No you've got that completely and utterly wrong.

How is sucking a fake nipple any more weird than sucking a thumb?

I think creating dependency on any object and teaching a child they can’t cope with letting go of baby things is undermining their confidence and resilience. Tell her she’s too old and throw it away. She might be angry for a night or two but she’ll get over it and she’ll learn she is able to cope with her feelings.

I had 2 thumb suckers out of 3. Eldest stopped at 10. Youngest still sucking at 11. Middle had no dummy and never sucked their thumb - currently got a mouth full of braces, with some major complex orthodontic work needed for 3 years. The eldest’s teeth are fine. I think, on balance, it’s not terrible and won’t matter a jot in the long run.