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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 yr old DD still has a dummy

475 replies

Pyromare98 · 05/08/2019 14:45

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

OP posts:
Lolly25 · 06/08/2019 20:39

I am in the minority in thinking, is it such a bad thing.
She will decide herself when to give it up, she wont take it on sleepovers as she will be conscious that her friends will find it funny, she will then gradually have it less and less.
My son sucked his thumb, he was around 10 when this stopped. He was having sleepovers from 7ish and I am certain he wouldn't have done this in front of his friends. He has perfect teeth no braces, no fillings, so it didn't affect him in that way.

saraclara · 06/08/2019 20:45

Why do all these dummy suckers need so much comfort?

@escapade1234 I've no idea. Like I said, I had two babies, both breast fed on demand, neither particularly difficult babies, but one of them was difficult to console through usual methods, though visibly relaxed as soon as she had access to a dummy. The other would comfort herself in different ways (she needed to twiddle my hair to fall asleep, while her sister sucked her dummy)

I don't put it down to one being more difficult or more unhappy than the other. They were just different. One needed to suck to relax, the other didn't.

Dandelion1993 · 06/08/2019 20:50

Dummies cause teeth issues

Not necessarily in the baby teeth but if it continues when adult teeth start to come through then issues can arise. This thne leads to braces and other dental procedures which are either painful or (later in life) costly.

It's the same as potty training. You can follow a child's lead as much as you want, but it gets to a point where you need to guide them to the next stage and be the adult.

Anytipsforgettingthedamncatin · 06/08/2019 20:51

"I think creating dependency on any object and teaching a child they can’t cope with letting go of baby things is undermining their confidence and resilience"

I agree with this. Unlike some posters, I have no objection at all to dummies for babies (didn't use one but know plenty of amazing parents who did). But it's not cute or kind to encourage an older child to be so fixated on an object that they don't know how to soothe themselves, or how to fall asleep, without it. (That's not meant as a criticism of the OP, who is clearly doing her best!)

littlestrawby · 06/08/2019 21:08

You say she only has it 20 minutes a night? Surely 20 minutes every 24 hours to help her relax before bed isn't that big a deal at this stage. I don't think she's ready OP, I think if I was in your position I'd drop it for a while and try again in a few months. My husband would probably disagree though Grin

Could you try agreeing that you reduce the amount of time that she has it gradually over the course of a few weeks?

Hope that she had a peaceful bedtime tonight, with or without dummy!

Fgsdl · 06/08/2019 21:27

If your daughter had a comfort toy at six no one would be saying to take it off her or let her cry for hours for it. She only uses it at bed time, and the dentist said she's perfect, so what's the harm? I've never heard of hardened criminals or teenagers who go off the rails ever being blamed on the use of a dummy at a late age.

There's enough battles as a parent, I wouldn't worry to much about something that doesn't actually do her much harm!

Also dh had a dummy til he was ten (nearly wet myself laughing when mil told me). Apparently he had a couple of sucks on it just before bed! He can be an eejit sometimes but I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with the dummy!

EllenMP · 06/08/2019 21:33

I don't see what the big deal is in her having a dummy. It is not causing her any dental or language problems so where is the harm? I do not see the upside in taking a comfort object from a child just to fit it with some artificial notion of what the 'right' time to give it up is. If she is getting something she needs from that little piece of rubber, why would you want to take that away from her?

I know a number of adults who secretly still sleep with their thumbs in their mouths. No is suggesting taking their thumbs away. My almost 16 year old son sleeps with a blankie cradled against his hairy chest. He may or may not take that ragged thing to uni with him some day. Who cares?

Let her do as she pleases. It's no one else's business and you will be doing a good job as mum by protecting her from interfering busybodies. To each his own (comfort.)

VenusClapTrap · 06/08/2019 22:07

Leave her alone and she’ll give it up when she’s ready. She uses it very briefly on an evening. It isn’t harming her teeth - the dentist has told you that. So there is absolutely no reason to distress her by forcing her to give it up.

Damsel · 06/08/2019 22:08

Staggered at all the comments judging the OP’s parenting skills, not to mention those advocating the cut it up in front of her/let her know who’s boss/life is hard approach. Must feel good to at least have control over one aspect of your life - dictating to your children!

This child not going to be starting uni with a dummy. She’ll give it up when she’s good and ready. What’s the big deal? OP, why create all this stress within your home because of this?

My kids never had one because I chose never to use them.

Parents give their babies dummies to make their own lives easier. After a couple of years, they turn round with ridiculous stories of fairies taking it, Santa took it or “you’re a big girl/boy now, you don’t need it..” & the poor child is left to endure several days/weeks of upset & feeling very lost & sad that something that brought them so much comfort has been taken away by the very people who gave it to them in the first place, because it suited them at the time!

Tubs11 · 06/08/2019 22:23

I feel for you OP, it's clearly a source of comfort for her. I'm probably in the minority but if it's not affecting her speech or teeth then don't see the harm in continuing until she's ready to give it up? That day will come sooner than you think. OR you could put a nip in it and make it taste bad

Flamingle18 · 06/08/2019 22:26

Sorry so late to read post. I found headspace for kids brilliant! My son is asleep within about 6 minutes of putting this on!

annikin · 06/08/2019 22:29

I would leave it for now, especially if her teeth (which can be fixed later anyway) and her speech is fine, what's the harm. If it was her thumb instead of a dummy, you wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway. At some point (sleepover/school residential) she'll want to do it for herself, and she will succeed because she'll be ready (and determined!)

CorBlimeyGovenor · 06/08/2019 22:30

I had this with my son. I reasoned that it would be an easier habit to knock than thumb sucking as he would only have it at night, whereas his thumb would be available night and day. I explained that I used to suck my thumb and that it made my teeth stick out. In the end I was teased for looking like a rabbit and ended up having to have braces. I struck a deal that he could have it up until he lost his first baby tooth. Thereafter he had to give it up in order to protect his adult teeth. That worked well for us.

madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 22:31

It is definitely better than thumb sucking.

saraclara · 06/08/2019 22:33

Parents give their babies dummies to make their own lives easier

From someone who's just called other posters judgy, that's a bit rich, @Pyromare98

As my eariler posts explained. this dummy hater's use of a dummy with one of my children was all about her needs, not mine. I'd far rather she hadn't had one, if it was all about me.

saraclara · 06/08/2019 22:34

The above was for @Damsel I've no idea why MN changed it to another poster.

saraclara · 06/08/2019 22:35

(sorry @Pyromare98 -for some reason MN is now autofilling when you put an @ and then start typing a handle)

Paperyfish · 06/08/2019 22:35

@ellenmp he may well- I certainly took mine!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 06/08/2019 22:40

Well @Pyromare98 actually the nurses in nicu have ds 3 a dummy , if they thought it was a good thing I wasn’t going to argue

Some dc have a favourite toy, some a bottle/dummy or extended bf

I’m yet to see any of them carry it on into teens .

MidnightMystery · 06/08/2019 22:41

Really.

Why on earth have you let this go on for so long/years, you've really made this difficult.

Throw them away, it will get easier as the nights go on. My daughter is six she has no comforter, lights go off and she goes to sleep.
I'm just imagining my girl with one and it's ridiculous really, and imagining her crying over a dummy would really make me question my parenting.

WhyBirdStop · 06/08/2019 23:01

@thisnamechanger I still love Coco pops but can't bring myself to buy a box because I know it's like having sweets for breakfast, so sometimes when I'm away for work and staying in a hotel where no one knows me, I have a bowl, it's like cereal shame!!

velocitykate · 06/08/2019 23:03

Either let her keep it or take it away. Don't procrastinate and take it away but then give in when she is too distressed? What message is that teaching the poor child??

If you wanted her to give it up, well done, because you have now just strengthened her attachment to it.

Make a decision, communicate that to her and stick to it. What you have done has been far more harmful to her than just letting her keep the dummy.

From what you are saying, I think she wants to give it up, but maybe that's only because you have been telling her she needs to give it up for the last five years. I would leave it a few days and then talk to her in the cold light of day. If she wants to give it up (in the cold light of day - not when she's trying to sleep), then get rid of all of them and comfort her to sleep for as long as it takes (you really don't have to be cruel). If she's adamant she doesn't want to (and who could blame her after two nights of trauma and crying?), then leave it a few months and ask her again.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but by taking it away and allowing her to cry for it for five hours over two days, before giving in and offering it to her was the worst thing you could have done.

manicmij · 06/08/2019 23:51

As DD declared she wanted to not have a dummy after watching the programme just throw them all out. Have you expkained the damage she can be doing to her mouth and teeth by having a dummy. Is she prepared to need orthodontic treatment at secondary school. If DD is aware there is a chance she could have a dummy then of course there will be histrionics. I know of one parent who tied them onto helium balloons and sent them to "the man in the moon" who then gave them to babies again. If that is any help.

BuddysMama · 07/08/2019 00:02

It sounds a little like she wants to give it up, with you saying she knows she's too old and would be mortified of anyone found out about it. She's only small so won't know how to go about this and is possibly hoping mummy and daddy will have the answer? And I think you're looking for a solution whereby she no longer has the dummy, but she's not upset, doesn't cry and you're not the bad guy and there isn't one Sad(I really wish there was)

You have two courses of action right now, you and DD decide no more dummy, and ride it out knowing that each night will gradually get easier. Or you and DD decide she's not ready to give up the dummy and no more is said about it. I think for both of your sakes (and your sanity) you need to stop deciding no more dummy then giving it back to her when things get too much, as you're strengthening her attachment to, it as not only is it comforting her to sleep it's comforting the upset too, which will mean it's harder to get rid of! And also you're all going through the mill each night.

Practically speaking if your DD really wants to give up the dummy, summer holidays are the perfect time as you don't have to worry about her being tired/crabby at school! X

Creambeforejam · 07/08/2019 00:56

Oh please!! Get a grip please. She is 6! It reads as if the issue is mum not child. '#oh she knows she needs to give it up but she loves it too muchly#. My advice, someone should be the parent here. Make the 'tough' but good decision she needs from the pair of ya.