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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

416 replies

4dogs · 04/08/2019 17:21

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 04/08/2019 21:24

@4dogs also don’t keep this all bottled up inside you or just here on MN. Tell people in real life like your wonderful sons and son in law or your friends. You need all the support you can get. There is no shame in this.

JingsMahBucket · 04/08/2019 21:25

@Weezol YUP. I bet they’ll be making hints around that by the end of the week.

sadkoala · 04/08/2019 21:25

Wow I knew it was going to be you OP before I even clicked on the thread.

What an idiot.

Ellie56 · 04/08/2019 21:32

Whatever you do OP, don't throw your hard earned money at this ridiculous wedding.

gamesanddaisychains · 04/08/2019 21:39

I'm glad you have had better news with regards to your cataract operation, hopefully you will have an appointment and treatment very soon. I remember your previous post, I think you have been let down and taken advantage of, I didn't realise that the £1000 gift to step daughter was actually money that you had contributed. I think your OH should acknowledge that your own young daughter is your priority, and please don't contribute any more of your savings to this wedding.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/08/2019 21:41

He has two other DDs, so now ‘we’ will have to cough up £4,200 for each of their weddings or it would be unfair

Yes, I'm sure that 's exactly what he'll expect - and you'll be paying for that too. I wouldn't normally think in terms of his/your money since you're married and it should be shared, but he's not doing much sharing and his attitude of "you don't love me" and just getting drunk is downright despicable

Sadly, it appears he's a bit more involved in the dysfunctional lifestyle he supposedly left behind than you thought, but you didn't say how he's justifying the applling decision he's made? Presumably he has got something to say about it ... ?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/08/2019 21:44

Now that your op is being done on the NHS, I suspect the heavy sighing and drifting around like a consumptive Victorian poet are the fore-runner to an attempt to get the £2.5k out of you

Yes, the thought occurred to me. It may even be that he's mentally earmarked that money for his DD, on the basis that OP "won't need it now" Hmm

stoplickingthetelly · 04/08/2019 21:53

I remember your op too and so pleased to hear your news regarding the operation. As for the wedding you have every right to be fuming with your dh - I would be too. Under no circumstances give up your savings. Do you think there might be a chance the your DSD will pay her dad back?

Yappy12 · 04/08/2019 22:05

LOL. Reading between the lines I think there's more chance of me becoming PM, and I'm not even in a political party, than DSD paying ANYONE anything back.

miaCara · 04/08/2019 22:08

It wouldnt be so bad if they all actually spoke to each other and drew up a plan. But it seems this family hinges on half spoken ideas and a huge amount of emotional blackmail.
Unless they agree to gather together to discuss the whole sorry situation as adults and how they all are anticipating adding their contribution then you can safely tell them you are out of it.
Leave them to their communal sighing and inferring and expectations.
Enjoy your life after the eye op.

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 04/08/2019 22:10

I read your last thread. Make him add your 1k to the loan and then chuck him out. This will only get worse.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 04/08/2019 22:24

He'll still be paying off that loan while she's sobbing it him for money for the solicitor to get a divorce.

ShatnersWig · 04/08/2019 22:26

Sorry to hear this OP (although operation bit is good news). I'm afraid I'd be calling time on this relationship now.

jayritchie · 04/08/2019 22:32

He'll still be paying off that loan while she's sobbing it him for money for the solicitor to get a divorce.

And she'll be moving in with the OP. Which is not the worst outcome - if she doesn't split up quickly she and HTB will be looking for a free place to stay.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 04/08/2019 22:39

I'd be fit to be tied if my DH did this to me! No way would I be supporting him with loan repayments. Especially when there's so little spare cash to be had anyway - to take on extra financial obligations makes no sense whatsoever. Tbf tho, it doesn't seem like he's going to be able to get one.
It doesn't seem as if DSD and her OH have a clue when it comes to money. Do they think it grows on trees, or you just rub s lamp and a genie gives it to you? I cannot believe how irresponsible they've been.
She's stressed out because she's buried her head in the sand and reality is now starting to hit home.
And to stare 'you don't love me' when called out on it is just childish. I used to do this when I was 7 and my parents were not paying me attention!!

SandAndSea · 04/08/2019 23:06

I'm so pleased that you're getting the eye care you need, OP. (I remember your previous thread though I might be a bit foggy on some of the details.)

I understand what people are saying about it being his daughter, but...

Her fiancé is far from ideal by the sounds of it.
I'm not convinced a marriage will benefit her at this point in her life, given that her fiancé doesn't work etc. (Maybe it will but I can't think how.)
If she really wants to get married, there are much cheaper ways and they could have planned much better.
She's old enough to know about budgeting, consequences, etc etc. It sounds to me that learning more about this would benefit her greatly.
Your DH can't afford a loan (or much from the sounds of it) and certainly can't afford to do the same for all the children. It seems to me that he's foolishly over-reaching and expecting you to bail him out, much the same as his DD.
You've already given them £1k which is v generous.
You're already supporting him financially - also generous.
You agreed no and he's gone behind your back.
If it was that important to him to help his DD, why didn't he offer to help her plan and budget when they first got engaged?
On top of all this, you've lost respect for him and you're not happy.

There are probably many more points to make but overall, I think I'd be asking him for the £1k back and making it clear that this is all a nonsense.

Whatever happens, someone's going to be out of pocket here. Why should it be you?! (It shouldn't.)

If you really want to help, I would sit him and the couple down and talk about alternatives. Maybe you could help them to arrange a nice meal/party after a registry office ceremony? Or, maybe you could help them to plan and save for a wedding in the future?

If the idea of a reasonable chat like that seems impossible, then I think you have your answer.

katewhinesalot · 04/08/2019 23:10

Why didn't you just update the last thread. You are rehashing all the old stuff. You got useful advice on there.

Original poster
4dogs · 05/08/2019 00:19

katewhinesalot I couldn’t find old thread. Looked for threads I’m on, it said I wasn’t on any so I assumed it had expired. Gave you something to whine about tho so not all is lost.

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 05/08/2019 02:28

OP I get the whole feeling old, defeated etc. I've gone through a few periods like that & also get treatment for depression. As other pps have said the depression was always so much worse when being treated like sh*t by (2) exh. I get by on a pittance these days -have done for years - after starting my young adult life single, poular, with my own home on a mortgage and in well paid employment. Not only did they erode my finances even though they had both worked in good jobs themselves they eroded my confidence & self worth.
I'm in my 60's & have for many years now had a lovely, happy life - alone. I still have depression, have done most of my life, but I've no dark days anymore.

EileenAlanna · 05/08/2019 02:31

popular that should've been lol. I'm still popular bth with the small number of people I can be arsed with. Got much more selective in my old age, can't be doing with the hassle.

Lolyora17 · 05/08/2019 02:45

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Beale1446 · 05/08/2019 02:46

I read your previous thread and am very glad about your op.
It is one thing to be supportive of children who are trying their best but not managing (eg zero Hours contracts) but these two seem to have done little to try to pay. Please don't let them use their savings.

Beale1446 · 05/08/2019 02:48

Sorry, meant YOUR savings

Lolyora17 · 05/08/2019 02:50

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