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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

416 replies

4dogs · 04/08/2019 17:21

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2019 05:46

@katewhinesalot
It is perfectly normal to create a new thread. 99% of posters do this. Far more effective than posting on an old one. Good retort from the op on that front btw.

TheSerenDipitY · 05/08/2019 07:00

im with everyone else kick his ass out.... make sure your savings are where he cant get to them
the next time he starts his emotional bullshit and says " you dont love me" look at him quizzically and say "Actually, you know what?" ... " i dont.... just this minute i realised i dont love you any more, you have become a moody child!... so yea i dont, best you get your bags packed and off you fuck!" " AND PAY ME MY MONEY"

katewhinesalot · 05/08/2019 13:26
Grin

But really she has had to start again, explaining everything again. Would have been much easier to just update the old one - if she could have found it. I didn't want to read a repeat of a thread I've already read and posted on.

Anyway I'd have lost respect for him at this point. There is helping your children out, and then there is just plain being a mug. I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether, op.

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 05/08/2019 13:33

But really she has had to start again, explaining everything again.

So what? Just scroll on if you don't want to read it.

bumblebeejockstrap · 05/08/2019 13:44

Please consider your options. You talk of a more prosperous future. I'm sorry, I don't think it's in the cards with your dh and his daughter around.

Good luck whatever you decide, there just doesn't seem to be any easy fixes for your situation.

Zebraaa · 05/08/2019 13:48

I don’t think this is a reason to leave him over. Ultimately he was doing what he thought was best for his child (albeit overgrown child)

I do think you need to discuss how it’s made you feel and that you won’t be contributing towards the loan at all.

Congrats on the cataract op too Flowers

MulticolourMophead · 05/08/2019 13:52

The OP can say it's a reason to leave him if she wants. She's already been looking objectively at the marriage and thinking it's over, not just for this reason.

But it is an indicator, where her DH seems to be a cocklodger, soaking up her money while wanting to indulge his DD instead of firmly directing her to be sensible for what is affordable.

As the DH tries shutting discussions down with ‘you don’t love me’ crap, I don't envisage any sensible discussions anytime soon.

Foslady · 05/08/2019 15:05

It can be seen as a reason to leave just as leaving the pots in the sink is.......it’s not the situation, it’s the lack of respect, the selfishness and then to follow it up with the ‘don’t Love me’ crap - I think it’s the husband that is showing a lack of loving his spouse

jackstini · 05/08/2019 15:23

Sorry to see this 4dogs - I was on your last thread too

Really pleased about the cataract news but gutted for you that he's gone ahead and done this against your wishes

It's going to be hard but agree with pp, you need to get out. What does your future with him honestly look like now? - because I think you can't bear to imagine that any more. Sorry - the situation stinks for you Sad

Playmytune · 05/08/2019 16:04

If I remember correctly from previous thread both op’s dh and his exdw were supposed to have given their dd £1000 towards her wedding? However didn’t it transpire that ex hadn’t given her anything, but was supposed to be paying photographer and making wedding cake instead? Has a photographer been organised? If not couldn’t ex put that money towards the venue cost? I’m sure a friend could take some photos or guests asked to take photos (some of the best photos at my daughter’s wedding weren’t from official photographer)? If cake hasn’t been organised M&S do wedding cakes and they are reasonably priced, plus can be tarted up with fresh flowers. That should free up about £900! That would be a substantial amount towards the venue costs. Also, didn’t bride and groom request guests give money towards honeymoon in the invitations? If dh is paying the extra money, it should be made clear that any cash gifts go straight back to dh to help pay off loan! If these were agreed the loan might be reduced significantly!! What about groom’s family? Can they contribute towards wedding costs?

There needs to be an emergency meeting going forward, to see where savings can be made, between bride and groom and both sets of parents! If they don’t agree, tough shit, surely dh wouldn’t still go ahead with getting a larger loan?

jackernanna · 05/08/2019 16:17

Given the story so far Playmytune that is never going to happen. Why should this horribly entitled couple have their wedding paid for when they clearly have no idea of how to budget.

OP I read your previous thread. I would be packing OH's bags and leaving them on the doorstep.

Great news that you may get the surgery you need though.

maddy68 · 05/08/2019 16:25

I do understand your feelings but some people here are making your oh out to be a bit of a monster. All I'm seeing is a soft touch dad. (I had one and my husband is the same with our kids )

Zebraaa · 05/08/2019 16:35

@maddy68 I agree. Typical mumsnet.

Yappy12 · 05/08/2019 16:40

My guess is that whatever she says he'll give his DD the money one way or another. It's less than 3 weeks away now so too late to cancel really. If he does he shouldn't give it to her or the waste of space layabout but pay it directly to the hotel.

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 05/08/2019 16:46

@Zebraaa & @maddy68, did you both read the previous thread?

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 05/08/2019 16:46

@Zebraaa & @maddy68, did you both read the previous thread?

QuickThinkOfAName · 05/08/2019 16:51

Maddy68 - I would've agreed dh appears mostly thick as shit to agree to this.

But the emotional blackmail when op has tried to talk to him about it - you don't love me - and then getting drunk suggests it's more than just a doting dad gone awry.

Plus. He's not supporting the family currently. He probably won't be able to get a (non loan shark) loan. He's been subsidised by op pretty much as it is. Yet he wants to rope in over £12k to pay for his daughters' weddings (to be fair - pay one pay them all)

He has no money. Where is this money magically appearing from? Oh hang on the op is getting her operation on the nhs now. So she has all those savings...

Bottom line. He's discussed it with the op. They've agreed not to help more. Now he's going against it. It's going to massively affect the op and their family. Not least as he is barely contributing currently anyway.

If the dh can't see that a couple who aren't even prepared to save ANYTHING for their wedding and expect to be bailed out need serious financial advice not money thrown at them then the op has bigger issues. This won't go away. They will ask for more. And he will give it. Where will it end?

Frankola · 05/08/2019 16:52

I'd bloody punch him! All of this so he can be a Disney dad. What happened with his ex? Is she contributing too?or is it all your husband?

They're taking him for a mug.

notapizzaeater · 05/08/2019 16:55

He can only afford this whilst you are funding the house.

It's the deceit and going behind your back after you'd discussed it.

Original poster
4dogs · 05/08/2019 17:00

Playmytune the frustrating thing is they won’t all get together and have a family meeting. The bail out is meant to be kept secret from DSD’s DM’s fiancee and from one of DSD’s sisters (cos apparently she will kick off). When DH went to talk to DSD her fiancee spent his time upstairs playing on his games console. They have asked for honeymoon money as gifts but imo are unlikely to get more than a few hundred quid. Fiancee’s family has contributed nothing, just like fiancee. I don’t think they are a family of workers. The friends they have invited are similar to themselves, young with kids. DH Ex has said she will pay half but she works p/t on a low wage and wants to keep it secret from her fiancee so that’s not likely to happen.

I hate lies, secrets and messed up dynamics. I never thought DH would agree to be part of something this underhand and secretive. It’s made me look at him differently and I don’t like what I see.

I went to bed early last night and left DH to his sighing and bottle of bourbon.

I actually feel ill today from the stress of it all and can’t think straight. I know I have been avoiding making a decision about my marriage for a while now. I don’t like big decisions and often seem to get them wrong.

OP posts:
Sparklynails77 · 05/08/2019 17:05

I think it's horrendous that you've already given £1k to a girl that isn't your responsibility. If they can't afford a wedding then they should've just gone to a registery office and not had a party, wedding dress etc.

You need to tell your DH that you can't trust him as he went behind your back r.e the loan. You should also tell him you can't respect a spineless man that's helping two scroungers. Maybe you should just leave one day and go on a trip somewhere/stay with family. Ignore him for a few days.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/08/2019 17:32

"The more I think about it the more fed up I am with him. I tried to talk to him about the wedding issue last week but he turned it into a ‘you don’t love me’ conversation then got drunk."
Sorry to say this 4dogs but - that sounds like projection on his part to me. Thinking that you feel as he feels. Sorry, but what he's actually admitting (without realising it) is that he doesn't love you. Sad

"The more I type the more I think our marriage is over and has been for a while. I kept hoping it would get better, attributing my doubts and unhappiness to the depression I’ve had since I was very ill last year and trying to put off making a decision.

I used to be quite independent and fearless but I’m like a ghost of my former self and terrified of the future with or without DH. But that would be a whole other thread!"

I would wonder how much of your depression is down to your illness last year, and how much is down to your marriage. Sometimes, we 'know' things without consciously admitting our knowledge. He's got you paying his way and agreeing something to your face then going behind your back. Your doubts, IMO, are not due to your depression but to hisaction. Your doubts are well-founded. Sad Sorry.

CookPassBabtridge · 05/08/2019 17:52

So did your DH lie to you when he said he'd said no to DSD, or did he cave in at a later time?

CookPassBabtridge · 05/08/2019 17:52

So did your DH lie to you when he said he'd said no to DSD, or did he cave in at a later time?

CookPassBabtridge · 05/08/2019 17:53

So did your DH lie to you when he said he'd said no to DSD, or did he cave in at a later time?

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