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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

416 replies

4dogs · 04/08/2019 17:21

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

OP posts:
cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 20:36

I hope you can get to a point where the future feels hopeful again, op.

perfectstorm · 04/08/2019 20:37

The more I type the more I think our marriage is over and has been for a while. I kept hoping it would get better, attributing my doubts and unhappiness to the depression I’ve had since I was very ill last year and trying to put off making a decision.

I'm going to assume that you've reflected on the idea that the depression, and the state of your marriage, are not unrelated?

Honestly, you sound as though you would be better off without him. Financially, you definitely would be.

vintanner · 04/08/2019 20:43

@Passthecherrycoke

“Tell him/them to cancel the expensive wedding and arrange something they can afford, THEY can afford, not you.

Spoilt brat and slob comes to mind.”

Do you seriously think that’s realistic in any way? They aren’t going to cancel because OP wants them to. It’s really nothing to do with her

Where else are they going to get the money?

Passthecherrycoke · 04/08/2019 20:44

The money is coming from the OPs DH who has taken out a dodgy loan. Not the OP.

The OP lent DH a long gone and long spent £1k. So I don’t really understand your point about where else they’d get the money?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2019 20:53

Honestly, I'd think £1000 is a (not so) good price to pay for a 'wake up call'. Let this be yours.

Ask for the money back, but don't count on getting it as he'll say you 'gave it of your own free will'. But get him out. You say you're a shadow of yourself, afraid of the future. How much of that fear is because of the way you're being treated in the present? Your SD is a lazy greedy cow. Your 'd'H manipulates your good nature by saying "You don't love me" to shut you down. No wonder you're feeling beaten down!

I'd be willing to bet, though, that if you had your house back and he were gone, you'd soon be feeling the peace and calm that comes with the absence of tension and strife. The strength that comes from knowing you make the rules. And the security of looking at your bank account and not having to be worried that someone is going to expect or demand that you fund them.

If that picture isn't enough for you to kick him out, I suggest you see a counselor. I think examining everything with a trained professional will give you the confidence and courage to do what must be done in order for you to get your life and your 'self' back.

I'd rather eat pot noodle on my own than dine on filet mignon with a manipulative and selfish man (and his 'd'D).

CupoTeap · 04/08/2019 20:57

Op he's going to want your op money - you need to be prepared.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/08/2019 20:58

I'm really sorry it has come to this, OP. Of course it's hard to say no when a child needs help, but there is far too little "need" here and far too much "want". If they had made even a token effort to pay for their wedding themselves then I'd feel more sympathetic, but they haven't.

Just a thought- your husband can't access your savings, can he? It doesn't sound like getting a loan is a certainty and I suspect you will be under pressure to hand over your savings if he doesn't.

greenwaterbottle · 04/08/2019 20:58

I'm so sorry it turned out like this.
I'd need him to sit down and explain where the money is coming from and that the household will not suffer.
I'd also make my savings safe, so that in any event it's not available to him.

MrsMozartMkII · 04/08/2019 20:58

So glad your eye is going to be sorted.

As for him and his daughter et al, time to put yourself first lass.

Millie2017 · 04/08/2019 21:01

Oh @4dogs I’m sorry. I remember your previous post too.
It’s like he’s trying to be “super Daddy” flying in to save the day. Except he doesn’t have the funds to do it. Never mind the unfairness on your other children.
I can understand why he wants to bail them out, but it’ll be a thankless task.
Fingers crossed he can’t get the loan and that will be the end of it.

QuickThinkOfAName · 04/08/2019 21:01

Sorry but i completely lost it at the 'you don't love me' shit. Can you even talk to him properly about this without it turning into a me me me sob fest/getting pissed?

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. You so sound like this is the final straw and it's been coming for a while.

june2007 · 04/08/2019 21:01

You seriously need to discuss this with DH. You sound bitter towards his daughter. (which she could use to her advantage.) and untrusting and frustrated wtih DH. Have dou tried talking to SD about her plans on finances?

AutumnCrow · 04/08/2019 21:02

The hot-tubbed happy couple will get the money from OP's husband who will inevitably lean on OP to indirectly or directly stump up for it.

She has small savings and limited income potential, poor health (hopefully temporary) and a poor credit rating.

She does not need this stress - or indeed the new, unexpected and bizarre financial disparity now being set up between all five of their DC.

That's how I'm reading it.

Tooner · 04/08/2019 21:04

Brilliant news about your eye operation.

Your husband....I would walk away before he lands you both in so much debt you will never recover from it. He has no regard for you whatsoever. Put yourself first. He doesn't deserve you.

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2019 21:04

June
She isn't bitter towards the daughter. She's annoyed that the daughter and fiance booked a wedding they can't afford, are too lazy to work and expect her dad to get into debt to pay for it.
She has every right to not trust her partner as he's now sold her out by getting into debt for one child after they agreed to treat all children euqally.

I agree there's a need to have a proper discussion but the old thread plus this one means the OP needs to put herself first.

Hepzibar · 04/08/2019 21:06

I can imagine my DH doing something like this, he has done something vaguely similar which didn't involve money, which he had said he wouldn't and then did. OP you are quite right when you say 'he's buying love'. Sadly it won't work, she's just using him. It certainly didn't work in my DH's case and backfired in all aspects, I lost some respect for him - and it certainly told me were I stood in pecking order.

Shahlalala · 04/08/2019 21:07

He sounds very manipulative with his ‘You don’t love me’ nonsense and getting drunk, that’s not normal behaviour at all 4dogs.

It sounded just like my alcoholic ‘D’M when she didn’t get her way...

Whatisinaname1 · 04/08/2019 21:07

Get out while you can. He was emotionally blackmailing you on your last thread, wanting your operation money for her and his business. You need to tell him you've lost all respect.

AllFourOfThem · 04/08/2019 21:13

I have spent most of my adult life single and it never bothered me but I feel old and defeated and quite scared of being on my own. Pathetic of me I know.

It’s not pathetic at all. Flowers I would start to prepare for a different future to the one you planned, one without him and reassess how you feel in a couple of months/six months etc.

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/08/2019 21:15

I'm so sorry OP. I remember your previous thread and what a relief it was when your DH decided not to loan the additional money. I'm so sorry he's gone back on his word.

Sadly he seems to be completely spineless. Which no doubt is a contributing factor in why his DD is a spoiled brat (and why her taste in men appears to be questionable). He's not going to change now, and neither is she. The demands for money will no doubt continue and he will bail her out while you have to fund your joint lives. You can't carry on like this. Surely his decision is the last straw. I would sit down with him and lay it out. Make it clear that if he goes down this route, you want him to leave and you will no longer be using your money to subsidise his life.

You may be pleasantly surprised at how your depression lifts once you are no longer paying for him. If he wants a second chance with you, he needs to sort himself out and start making you and your relationship a priority rather than allowing himself to be manipulated by his DD.

Original poster
4dogs · 04/08/2019 21:16

QuickThinkOfAName this self pitying ‘you don’t love me’ malarky has become a bit of a feature over the past couple of years, this must be the 4th or 5th time. It does make me think a lot less of him. I definitely wouldn’t have married him if I knew then what I know now! I don’t like game play or passive aggressive behaviour, I prefer blunt and honest. I just end up not saying anything especially if he’s had a drink or two. Typing that is quite scary actually. Makes me feel really sad.

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 04/08/2019 21:17

I remember your other thread. I'm sorry but not surprised he's going this route.

I would flat out tell him this will be a relationship breaker for you. You had an agreement, you absolutely would NOT support your children under similar circumstances, and you will not be paying for this wedding. If he takes out this loan, you will essentially be covering in one way or another, so you will be done and he can go.

Sorry, OP. Happy to hear your cataracts are likely to be sorted more quickly though on the NHS.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/08/2019 21:17

He's using the "you don't love me" conversation to shut down anything he doesn't want to hear. Anyone who manipulates their partner in this way is a piece of shit; I don't always want to hear what DH has to say, but shutting it down isn't my right because he's as equal in our marriage as I am, and I owe it to him to hear his thoughts and feelings in the same way I'd expect him to hear me.

Planning a future without someone can be heart breaking, so you don't have to do it all today. But you sound as though you need to start taking small steps away from him and his mess, and finding yourself again. Flowers

mathanxiety · 04/08/2019 21:20

Kick him out. Do it ASAP before he takes out a high interest loan.

He is a user who has no respect for you - all he wants is your money, and his DD and her fiance are wasters.

Let them all sink or swim without you.

Weezol · 04/08/2019 21:23

Now that your op is being done on the NHS, I suspect the heavy sighing and drifting around like a consumptive Victorian poet are the fore-runner to an attempt to get the £2.5k out of you.