AIBU to be furious DH is paying for wedding?

[4dogs]

I had another thread on here about DSD’s wedding plans. She got engaged 3 yrs ago and booked quite a fancy wedding. With 6 weeks to go it transpired she still has £3,200 left to pay (original bill was £4,200). We gave them £1k earlier this year (which was my money not DH’s). DSD and fiancee have child. DSD works a few part time cleaning jobs, fiancee does not work, he did have a job but stopped turning up for reasons unknown.

DH and I agreed not to pay as we don’t really have the money but now it transpires he is taking a loan and paying.

In the meantime fiancee puts posts on FB about don’t let a job wear you out, it’s not worth it and DSD posts pictures of them out for a pub meal.

I honestly think my brain is going to explode. DH just says his daughter was sobbing over not being able to pay and I would do the same for mine (I bloody wouldn’t).

I am on the verge of kicking him out over this. Do I just need to calm down and get over it?

@littleowl153

I'd actually go further and give him the ultimatum of to loan/wedding or you and your marriage

I totally disagree with this advice.

That would essentially asking him to chose between the OP and his DD, as he's already promised her the money now.

If the genders were reversed, he would be called an abusive controlling man if he did this.

Thanks for all the responses, it’s good to hear lots of points of view. I don’t even know if he has managed to get a loan! He’s not in a very good mood today so maybe getting the money is proving problematic. Lots of heavy sighs this afternoon which I’m doing my best to ignore. If he wants to say something he needs to say it.

I don’t think he’d manage to borrow money in my name because my credit rating is poor.

The more I think about it the more fed up I am with him. I tried to talk to him about the wedding issue last week but he turned it into a ‘you don’t love me’ conversation then got drunk.

The more I type the more I think our marriage is over and has been for a while. I kept hoping it would get better, attributing my doubts and unhappiness to the depression I’ve had since I was very ill last year and trying to put off making a decision.

I used to be quite independent and fearless but I’m like a ghost of my former self and terrified of the future with or without DH. But that would be a whole other thread!

OP I remember yout previous thread. It si great youa re getting your operation sorted. You are very supportive of your DH and his new venture. It must seem so unfair when your DS limited his wedding expenses but your Dsd is being bailed out. Do you suspect your DH will want the money from your savings in the end (especially now that it looks like the NHS might do your operation) ?.

You have every right to feel furious and let down as it is not what was agreed. Do you feel annoyed because as well as dsd her mother also put a lot of emotional pressure on DH to pay the balance for the wedding?

They are living quite the life, and you're subsidising them and your DH it seems. I don't know how you stop your DH helping though, and given you're subsidising him undoubtedly it'll be you ultimately paying. Only you can decide whether your relationship has enough overall equality to balance this.

Then, where did it come from? I hope to goodness it isn’t from one of those dodgy and expensive as fuck on street loan shops, or he’ll have no chance of paying it back.

Wow. I would wear an old outfit to the wedding. Gove them something from the back of Sue Ryder.

OP having read a lot of your other thread, yes you're right to feel angry. Just can't believe they hired a hot tub when not having enough money for the wedding. They're taking the p*ss big time. That was unnecessary and the money could have gone towards the wedding. What's the betting they owe more than a grand and have spent some of the rest you and her mother/step-dad gave on rubbish like hot-tubs and drink, meals out etc. She needs to be marrying a guy who has a good job to finance her lifestyle and not a waster on the dole.

Your OH is foolish to give another penny.

‘You don’t love me’
If you’re not ready to say no I don’t, try
‘I certainly don’t love the fact I seem to be your lowest priority’

Nope those that are saying "when it's your child it's different etc" fine fair enough IF it wasn't that the OP had already put 1K of HER savings towards this wedding and that she is financing her DP while he sets up a business BUT he wants to get in debt that he CAN'T pay at the moment to help his DD so ultimately those payments will probably fall to the OP. OPs SD can forego the 1K paid and opt for either delaying her wedding or having a much smaller one but noooo she is having a tantrum and wanting her cake and to eat it as well.

Wasn't this the pair that hired a hot tub for the weekend?

Yes that's them. Ridiculous.

Op ,sorry I haven't read your other post.( I don't think )
Things seem tough. I just want to wish you well. Put yourself first and have lots of tlc. Keep your money to yourself, you have been more than generous.

Do you seriously think that’s realistic in any way? They aren’t going to cancel because OP wants them to. It’s really nothing to do with her

It bloody well is when she's the one paying for it

I can’t say I blame you for feeling angry at all. Should my children need help to live of course I’d help. Would I fork out for a wedding they wanted but were making no moves to pay for would I fuck.

It sounds like your marriage isn’t in a good place. And perhaps being depressed is part of that but maybe your husband has contributed to the depression. I’ve always said I’d rather be alone than in a lonely unhappy marriage. Good luck. I hope your eye operation goes well and everything works out for you.

She’s not paying for it. She lent her DH £1k and he gave it to them. The B&G aren’t going to cancel it because OP tells them to- come on. That’s ridiculous!

I think you owe it to yourself to request that you talk about this one last time in an orderly way. Prepare what you want to say and say it.

What strikes me is that the absolute worst case scenario for your step daughter and her fiancé isn't that bad. They have to cancel their dream wedding and lose the £1,000 deposit, which is a shame, but step-daughter is going to have to get used to a life of poverty if she wants to be married to someone who is bone idle. It might help her reflect on her future and cut her cloth accordingly.

The worst case scenario if your husband takes our a loan is far worse. He will feel the financial strain of the loan repayments. Resentment will build up between him and his daughter when she fails to repay. Resentment will build up between him and his other children when he can't afford to provide similar financial support in the future. His sense of wanting to provide for them all equally will cause him stress. Resentment will escalate between the two of you and probably result in the end of your relationship. He will have to move out of your house and find somewhere else to live. This will add to his financial strain and could result in him having to seek employment rather than building his business, so he will also lose his businesses.

He’s a pillock.

He is risking your future for these two selfish feckless individuals OP..I knew he would and I think you did too.I dont see what you can do now though as he wouldnt listen to you before.I am really sorry he wouldnt listen to reason.He is a fool.I wish you well with your eye op though glad that is getting sorted out for you.The only person you can rely on in your family is you and thats awful..I really am sorry you are here again.I couldnt stay I just couldnt .

Oh OP how difficult for you. I do see the point of the posters saying how hard emotionally it would be to pull the plug on your own child's wedding at this point. But then there is the issue of the extra burden effectively falling on you to support the household after he has taken this unilateral decision. He seems genuinely not to have thought about it that way. I wonder if he's either found he can't actually get a loan, or that he can only get one on very punitive terms, from the sighing.

Can you get away somewhere for a couple of days for some breathing and thinking space? Stay with a friend perhaps?

It’s easy to be a great dad and make sure your kids are never unhappy when it’s someone else’s money.
£12k on weddings when you are financially unstable yourself......

Time to think hard OP.....

She’s not paying for it. She lent her DH £1k and he gave it to them. The B&G aren’t going to cancel it because OP tells them to- come on. That’s ridiculous!

The husband is self employed, barely makes any money, the op is covering most of the bills. The 1K given to the daughter was the ops money, not her husbands. Yes he says he'll pay her back, just like the daughter and boyfriend were going to pay for the wedding!!

He just sounds worse with every post, OP. I really would think long and hard about this marriage. Depression is awful. But you may feel better out of a marriage that is no longer making you happy.

Him sulking and getting drunk when you try to have a conversation about the wedding situation pisses me off on your behalf. What a child., Apple clearly not far from the tree. He's doing the exact same thing his daughter is.

Your marriage has been tested with this situation @4dogs - and your DH has come up wanting. He is not dependable and is not putting his marriage first (rather than pandering to his silly DD's whims). You would be better off without him and his ridiculous family's drama

No-one should ever get into debt over a wedding. To get married in a registry office only costs about £200, so that is all you need to spend if you want to get married. Anything else is an optional extra, if you can't afford it, you don't have it.

Parents' paying for bride's wedding is surely wrapped up in the whole patriarchy of dowries and the bride being the parents' property, which surely is not relevant nowadays. Yes it is nice if parents want to help, but it shouldn't be expected and certainly shouldn't involve the parents getting into debt, especially when it is very obvious that the children won't be helping to repay the loan.

Yes it would be nice to put some money towards DS's wedding if he ever gets married, but if he was a dad and not working, and not because he was a SAHD but he was lazy, then I don't think I would be helping them out with a wedding that is beyond their means, unless he stepped up on the working and parenting front.

Some daughters know their dads are suckers and just cry to get things. She sounds like one.
Please don’t give your man all the money you have, even as a loan. You dont know when you will need it and you can’t get a loan yourself due to your credit history, so you have to keep what you have.
If you can’t say no the most id loan him would be £1k. But if you give him that expect to never see it again. Tell him it’s a loan though.
If the bride and groom don’t pay for the full wedding package the hotel will downscale it and the problem will be solved. 50 guests will become 10. And the rest will be evening guests with a buffet. Yeah she’ll never forgive daddykins for letting her down on her special day yada yada but you’ll be long gone by then.
Good luck with your eye op, fab news re NHS.