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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a problem with a man being short?

291 replies

Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 10:20

This sounds - and is - shallow. I know. But it really does bother me that the man I'm seeing is shorter than me. By about an inch. He's 5'5''. We met online, good chat, been seeing each other IRL for about 6 weeks. I wasn't that keen in the beginning, but he's kind, he likes me, he makes me laugh, sex is good and he accepts my weird living arrangement (sharing house with ex due to kids + finances). And I'm beginning to really like him, but his shortness puts me off! And when I talk to friends they tend to agree that height is a tricky one to compromise on...
So has anyone had similar (shallow) issues with their DP and got over it? Or am I just a really really bad person...

OP posts:
Mesmermancer · 05/08/2019 13:35

yes, it's shallow. But we are all allowed to have things that we find attractive about other people.

Yeah sexual attraction is shallow - I can find you fit as fuck without knowing a thing about you, based purely on how you look. You can't force yourself to be attracted to something you aren't. I'm not attracted to obese men, so what?

thecatsthecats · 05/08/2019 13:37

Hell, I find it inconvenient to have friends a lot shorter than me - luckily, my shortest friends are all diehard heel wearers.

I'm 5'9", with a broad hourglass frame, quite well muscled and big boobs. I feel like I absolutely loom over anyone small and petite.

BearRabbitPants · 05/08/2019 13:52

YANBU. I'm 5ft 1" and there's not a chance in hell that I'd go out with a guy who was shorter than me, or slimmer than me for that matter! DH isn't 'tall' at approx 5ft 5" or fat but he's got meat on his bones, is muscley and is taller than me and tbh I feel if he were my height and very slim like me (I'm a small size 8) he wouldn't appeal to me as I wouldn't think he was very 'manly' ... perhaps it is shallow but you can't force yourself to fancy someone.

TwistyTop · 05/08/2019 14:02

You either fancy someone or you don't. No amount of reasoning or accusations of you being shallow is going to change what your sexual preferences are.

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 14:06

He would be SNAPPED up if he were a couple of inches taller. There's always something i guess. My bf is lovely to me and funny and a feminist and clever and suppotive and quite dynamic but his teeth are terrible. Feel bad saying that. If his teeth were like tom cruise's maybe he wouldnt be with me. 😬

Wiltshirelass2019 · 05/08/2019 14:08

I reckon you care more about what other people think! Simply put - don’t- no one cares. People are more interested in their own hang ups x

31RueCambon · 05/08/2019 14:11

OP do you fancy him when you are together but feel embarrassed that he defines your worth when you are out together?

UtterlyPerfectCartoonGiraffe · 05/08/2019 14:15

EdWinchester just stop with your lies Grin I love shorter men, tall men creep me the fuck out. 5’7, 5’8 etc is a very sexy height for me. You’re welcome to the rest, but saying that no one likes short men is very untrue.

Spookydot · 05/08/2019 14:15

I genuinely didn’t realise it was considered shallow to be drawn towards certain characteristics in finding a partner!

If a someone didn’t find me attractive because I’m too dark/short/fat. I wouldn’t particularly think they were shallow. Just that I wasn’t the one for them!

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 05/08/2019 14:29

I love the variety of opinions and experiences out there!
I'm really not bothered about what other people might think, I just find it weird that he's shorter than me, and shorter than my 12 year old. And I like wearing heels...
But he has lots of lovely things about him. I'm going to focus on those.

OP posts:
Hotchox · 05/08/2019 14:32

Weird that he's shorter than you? What should he have done - paid more attention at growing school? Height is just something that happens to you, it's not an achievement?!?!?! Smile

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 05/08/2019 14:49

YANBU - you fancy who you fancy, and I don't think you can reason your way into finding someone attractive, or base it on some sort of social-justice principles.

WellTidy · 05/08/2019 14:51

My mum is 4 inches taller (in bare feet) than my 5'2 father. And my mum always, always, wore 4 inch heels for work or to go out when I was a kid. I hadn't even noticed until a friend brought it up when I was in secondary school. I asked my mum whether she had heard anyone say similar, and she said that they thought what was important was what was from here (gestures to one side of her brain) to here (and then to the other).

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 05/08/2019 14:58

I genuinely didn’t realise it was considered shallow to be drawn towards certain characteristics in finding a partner!

I think we've got a bit too onboard with the principles of the Equality Act. I'm all in favour of no discrimination when it comes to employment, housing, provision of services etc. But when it comes to personal relationships they are all about discrimination. Sexual discrimination is at the heart of it - trying to pretend otherwise leads to the nonsense of lesbians who reject transwomen with dicks being branded bigots. Age discrimination is not far off. And generally we want people who are a bit like us. Beyond that there may be a whole list of arbitrary things that make us fancy someone and not someone else. Legislation cannot repeal human nature.

probstimeforanewname · 05/08/2019 15:21

If a someone didn’t find me attractive because I’m too dark/short/fat. I wouldn’t particularly think they were shallow. Just that I wasn’t the one for them

But two of those things could be changed - you can dye your hair and lose weight. Same goes for beard/clean shaven. Height is fixed.

But ultimately as others have said if you don't fancy shorter men, you can't change that. you fancy who you fancy, and I don't think you can reason your way into finding someone attractive, or base it on some sort of social-justice principles this

TheNavigator · 05/08/2019 15:25

Honestly OP, if you have to focus on the lovely things about him, I wouldn't bother. You cannot magic up a spark that just isn't there. It is no ones fault, but this guy clearly isn't for you, just let it go so you can each find someone that does get your motor running.

Jennifer2r · 05/08/2019 21:03

I love short men. I find it subversive. Society (and tall men) think that tall men are inherently worth more, I like going against it.

managedmis · 05/08/2019 21:09

I dates à Guy who was a similar height to me (5'5) but what REALLY put me off was the fact that his hands were tiny! Really small. And he had a small frame too, light as a feather as you mentioned OP. Really put me off to be fair. I don't want to feel huge next to a guy I'm dating

managedmis · 05/08/2019 21:11

I dated a guy

Bleedin autocorrect

DifficultSituation19 · 05/08/2019 21:30

I had to dump someone once because they were a couple of inches shorter than me. I couldn’t cope with it. I like to wear heels when I go out and that would have been ridiculous (I’m over 6’ in heels and he was 5’6”).

It wasn’t the ONLY reason, he also had a smelly willy, to be fair.

It’s one of those things that matter to some people and not others. Just like my bf won’t go out with anyone who doesn’t have pretty feet. Each to their own.

BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour · 05/08/2019 22:01

you fancy who you fancy

Well yes but you can get to fancy someone because of their personality surely? Hmm I also think it's worth wondering why most women seem not to fancy shorter men. It's not like it's a roughly even distribution like it would be for beards / shaven heads / tattoos / muscles / blond / dark or whatever. 90% of women on this thread have said short = unfanciable. It's not a big stretch to see it as some kind of creepy insidious sexist gender roles of the sort women on this sort seek to combat in other aspects of their lives.

Boxerbinky · 05/08/2019 22:22

Attraction is important, some things you can see past, some you can't. I dated a shortish man who was otherwise very attractive to me before I met my dh. I remember saying the same as you are here to my sis, she said if he was Mr Right his height wouldn't matter.. I think she was right.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 05/08/2019 22:22

90% of women on this thread have said short = unfanciable. It's not a big stretch to see it as some kind of creepy insidious sexist gender roles of the sort women on this sort seek to combat in other aspects of their lives

This. Having a preference is normal, and sometimes we are all swayed by our culture. But saying 'I'd never fancy a short man' or 'ew, small hands' shouldn't be any more acceptable than saying you'd never even consider fancying a man of a different race.

slt2b · 05/08/2019 22:25

How would you feel if he wasn't keen on you because your arse or boobs weren't big enough or that you were too tall for him? Don't be so shallow for goodness sake.

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 05/08/2019 22:26

@Jennifer2r I want to be you!😊

OP posts: