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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a problem with a man being short?

291 replies

Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 10:20

This sounds - and is - shallow. I know. But it really does bother me that the man I'm seeing is shorter than me. By about an inch. He's 5'5''. We met online, good chat, been seeing each other IRL for about 6 weeks. I wasn't that keen in the beginning, but he's kind, he likes me, he makes me laugh, sex is good and he accepts my weird living arrangement (sharing house with ex due to kids + finances). And I'm beginning to really like him, but his shortness puts me off! And when I talk to friends they tend to agree that height is a tricky one to compromise on...
So has anyone had similar (shallow) issues with their DP and got over it? Or am I just a really really bad person...

OP posts:
Shimy · 04/08/2019 10:54

If you’re just not that into him Then that’s a different matter entirely, but you started off as if everything about him was perfect except his height.

Gelpens · 04/08/2019 10:55

Poor guy!

I'd hate to think a guy I was getting on really well with was secretly hating one of my physical 'flaws' to the point of questioning our relationship over it.

Jemima232 · 04/08/2019 10:55

I have to say, OP, that it sounds like you're trying to think of all his good qualities but can't get past the fact that his height is bothering you.

Where is this relationship going? Would you actually marry him if you wanted to?

AravisQueenOfArchenland · 04/08/2019 10:58

I thought the difference was going to be big, and was all set to say yanbu. I'm really petite, and a lot of the time trying to kiss or do other things with a really tall bloke can be difficult/awkward (especially if he has a big frame too), so I get it would be the same with the roles reversed.

But an inch?! Confused

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 10:59

Fair point Shimy. I thought it was, but reading the stories here of people being madly in love with their shorter men I'm beginning to wonder if I'm using the height thing as a excuse, because I don't want to face up to the fact that I might just not be into this man who's into me and a lovely man... I really want to want him, iykwim, but I'm not sure I'm there...yet...maybe there's hope...

OP posts:
JaneDoeRayMeMeMe · 04/08/2019 11:00

I think that, both men and women are conditioned to think that height is a defining characteristic of ‘masculinity’.

In every film, tv show, even in books leading men are described as tall = desirable.

It’s clearly bullshit but it’s everywhere.

You just need to recondition your thinking, I think we all do.

Kaykay06 · 04/08/2019 11:03

Yep v shallow
Are you perfect, would you like to be dismissed for something about you that you can’t change? He sounds lovely
My (short) boyfriend is wonderful and gorgeous it’s your loss if you cut him loose

Soozikinzi · 04/08/2019 11:04

My stepson is a good few inches shorter than his partner . I think if the guy is kind considerate of your children and the sex is good you should count yourself lucky !

YouJustDoYou · 04/08/2019 11:05

I have no problem with a man's height. But If he has an attitude about it, then the attitude is a turn off.

AuntieMarys · 04/08/2019 11:09

I am married to someone 4 inches shorter. Not a problem.
Have you mentioned his height to him?

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 11:10

@YouJustDoYou short man syndrome! So many little men have it!

@Whateveryoudoordontdo you’re starting to get those defensive posts I was talking about. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Incidentally; I would rather a man not date me because something about my appearance wasn’t to his taste. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who didn’t like an unchangeable physical trait? Confused

ohcanada · 04/08/2019 11:11

Yep very shallow. Everything else about him sound great, get over it!

Mamamia456 · 04/08/2019 11:12

OP - One of my best friends is 4'11", her husband is well over 6'. When they first got together she was very conscious of the height difference and thought people were staring at them. But they fell in love and it no longer became a problem. So I think if you fall in love with this man his height won't matter, but if you're not really in to him it will.

Asta19 · 04/08/2019 11:12

I have a problem with short men but I know why and it’s my issue. I’m 5ft 8 and have large, wide feet. A broad back and long arms, small boobs! I don’t feel my body is as “feminine” as I would like. So if `I am with a man who is my height or less, it makes me feel like Shrek! A taller man just makes me feel more feminine because then I am smaller than him and can feel somewhat dainty for once rather than a hulking giant! If I was more confident in my own body it probably wouldn’t bother me.

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 11:14

I have not mentioned his height to him at all. I don't think he has small man syndrome. And no, I'm not perfect, thank you for pointing that out.

OP posts:
NaviSprite · 04/08/2019 11:20

You say the sex is good so there must be attraction there so I’m wondering why his height is an issue really?

He’s only an inch shorter than you from your most recent post, so it’s not a huge disparity. What prompted this thought process for you? I’d understand if you’d just had say your first date with the guy and surprised at his height, but it’s been 6 weeks. Have you had this niggling thought for a while or has something (say a comment from a friend or something like that) caused this?

I dated a lovely guy who was 5’5 and I’m 5’8 - never really occurred to me that his height affected who he was as a person, but a (now ex) friend (different thread!) commented she thought we looked odd together because he was ‘too short’.

My relationship with him ended amicably after two years together, it had run it’s course and we are still friends to this day.

I do think you are entitled to what you find attractive - but if his good points all outweigh this one, unchangeable, issue then I’d say you’ve found yourself a good man - don’t ruin it for something on the surface.

When I first met my DH he thought I was quite large, he’d never been with a curvy woman and it could have been a deal breaker for him (he’s one of those annoying men who eats what he wants and never puts weight on!) I thought he was far too skinny. But we looked past that and went on a date and have been together ever since and have two DC together. The more we got to know each other as people the more attractive we became to each other - not exactly the same I grant you but I think he deserves a chance.

Gingerbreadsonme · 04/08/2019 11:23

My DH is the same height as me (we’re both 5’8” so he’s not that short for a man) and all my previous blokes has been over 6 foot. When we met, I really liked him, but the height thing bothered me because it didn’t fit my idea of what my ideal man was like. But I decided just to date him, and ignore those shallow sentiments to see if I got over them. And I did! I now positively like the fact we’re there same size - it emphasises our equality. If he was an inch shorter, I’m sure it would have ended up the same.

I dread to think now that my shallow attitude might have lost me my best friend and the best shag of my life

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 11:23

Why on earth would she mention his height to him?? He can’t help it!

sleepyhead · 04/08/2019 11:25

If you don't find short men attractive then that's fair enough. I don't find thin men attractive and I wouldn't date one.

But I guess if the reason is you think being with a shorter man reflects badly on you, ie you think people would look at you together and think negatively, it doesn't fit with your image of how a couple should look, then you might want to consider why that is and whether it might be worth thinking through that rather than binning an otherwise good relationship.

Or don't, it's up to you who you're with.

Fieldofgreycorn · 04/08/2019 11:32

What do you mean “puts me off”?

If you are generally not sexually attracted because he is shorter then yanbu (you can’t help not being attracted to someone).

If it’s just you feel embarrassed to be seen with shorter man yabu.

BernardoTeashop · 04/08/2019 11:41

My partner is 3” shorter than me but he is a wonderful man. Utterly charming, sexy, intelligent, charismatic, funny and we have a fantastic relationship.
If you are judging someone on their height imagine they were judging you on your skin colour, or weight or that your nose was too big.
Extremely shallow but he sounds like an excellent catch for the right woman

Sizeofalentil · 04/08/2019 11:44

I was actually the opposite to you OP - I much preferred shorter guys. But fell in love with 6'3 dh. So I do understand where you're coming from.

My advice is to relax a bit and see where it goes. You'll know in a few months how you feel about it.

Crispmonster123 · 04/08/2019 11:45

I wouldn’t date someone shorter than me. It’s just preference. Doesn’t make you shallow at all

BernardoTeashop · 04/08/2019 11:52

It’s not shallow to have a preference. But to meet someone you like and then rule them out because of their height is

TillyTheTiger · 04/08/2019 12:02

I've had the same experience as Asta19
It's not that I find shorter men unattractive, it's that I feel unattractive when I'm with a shorter man because I'm 5'10" with wide hips and shoulders and huge boobs so I think I just look colossal and unfeminine if I'm with a smaller man. It's not stopped me dating shorter men in the past but I've definitely felt more self-conscious and less sexy in that situation.
Luckily my DH is 6'4" and built like a rugby player!

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