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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a problem with a man being short?

291 replies

Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 10:20

This sounds - and is - shallow. I know. But it really does bother me that the man I'm seeing is shorter than me. By about an inch. He's 5'5''. We met online, good chat, been seeing each other IRL for about 6 weeks. I wasn't that keen in the beginning, but he's kind, he likes me, he makes me laugh, sex is good and he accepts my weird living arrangement (sharing house with ex due to kids + finances). And I'm beginning to really like him, but his shortness puts me off! And when I talk to friends they tend to agree that height is a tricky one to compromise on...
So has anyone had similar (shallow) issues with their DP and got over it? Or am I just a really really bad person...

OP posts:
RottnestFerry · 06/08/2019 16:24

The good thing about using metric measurements for height is that nobody has a clue how tall you are until they meet you in person.

growlingbear · 06/08/2019 16:33

@PaddyF0dder - thank you for your lovely, long, honest and positive reply. DS2 will definitely be short - around %'4, 5'5' if he's lucky. Like @LellyMcKelly, I worry he'll have problems with finding a partner and he already has huge confidence-related issues about it. But it's so good to hear you feel more confident now and found someone who loved you for who you are.

DFiL is tiny - 5'3" even though DH is a foot taller. He was married to a woman much taller than him but he's never seemed upset about it and always had loads of girlfriends before DMiL, some of whom sought him out again in his 80s after she died, so he must have been quite a catch.

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 06/08/2019 23:40

I just want to repeat that this is not about social acceptance. It's not about other people's opinions, just my feelings. And I am Scandinavian so maybe conditioned somewhat to men taller than me.

The reason I posted here was really to see if other people had had reservations about potential partners because of something as, perhaps, shallow as height, and to hear how they dealt with it.

To those who say don't waste his time, I hear you, but I do like him a lot (and yes, I'm very happy to have sex with him, go figure) and I'm going to see how it pans out. Maybe he's doing the same with me? Maybe he's as shallow as I am and on another message board somewhere saying he doesn't like women who wear glasses! 😃

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 06/08/2019 23:52

Wouldn't bother me. I'm 5ft11 & seem to attract slightly shorter partners which is no problem. I see the person not their appearance anyway: I go for quirky or big personalities. I've dated a few tall 'goodlooking' men but they bored me rigid once the sex calmed down, no conversation is a turn off.

Boxerbinky · 07/08/2019 07:00

It's not about you being shallow - if it's something that bothers you, it bothers you! You can't be with someone because everyone else thinks you should be able to see past it. There are plenty of nice guys, maybe even tall ones that you also won't feel right with. Should you have to stay with one of them because they are more your type? Chemistry is a funny thing- but it matters.. I think - like me in the same situation, you have focussed on the height as being the missing factor, BUT I honestly there is probably more to it, because if the chemistry was right it wouldn't matter!

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 07/08/2019 07:15

Would a man worry to death about being shallow?- No.

Men are never needled into sticking with women they don't find attractive. This 'don't be shallow' bollocks only applies to straight women.

Anyway it seems you like him a lot in other ways and find him attractive so I dunno, it's totally up to you.

TheGoogleMum · 07/08/2019 09:10

Ok so if we're talking about letting shallow feelings put you off someone otherwise great, then don't! My DH didn't fit into what I thought of as my type and has always been overweight when I always liked slim guys, I overlooked it and we're still happy 10 years later. I remember my sister saying she liked someone but wasn't sure she was that I to his looks, I said looks aren't everything and they have now been married 9 years. Obviously it depends just how off putting it is to you but if it's the only thing that isn't working for you it's worth trying to get past it because when you are in love you won't mind at all

Highviolet1 · 07/08/2019 10:40

It took me a while to get over my partner being short. I was really shallow about it if I’m honest and I interpreted my feelings as “it must mean I’m not that into him”. I fought really hard against this negative mindset and thank goodness I did. I’m now 10 years with him, married, baby and I have never fancied him more. He’s gorgeous and his height doesn’t bother me at all now

Everanewbie · 07/08/2019 10:52

Imagine if the guy came on here and said, 'oh, I love her, she's great etc. but I like a woman with large breasts and she's only a C cup. I'm wondering whether I am right to stay with her' He would quite rightly be flamed.

RottnestFerry · 07/08/2019 11:00

Would a man worry to death about being shallow?- No

Absolutely. While there may be the odd exception, in my experience we fancy who we fancy without giving it a second thought. Trying to force yourself to find someone attractive simply because you are worried that women (it won't be men) will think you are shallow if you don't is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 07/08/2019 11:06

Men are never needled into sticking with women they don't find attractive. This 'don't be shallow' bollocks only applies to straight women.

Well I don't claim to speak for all men but I have seen plenty of times friends and aquantinces get stick for not continuing to date perfectly attractive, funny and intelligent women due to some perceived minor flaw (wrong hair colour, accent etc). Their choice of course but I have often been left scratching my head and asking "what the hell was wrong with her, thought she would tick all your boxes"

iwunderwhy · 07/08/2019 14:03

Totally agreed... this don't be shallow' bollocks only applies to straight women

And the practical reason why financially independent women like OP MUST worry is marriage or children, any divorce and the courts will make her pay MORE if he earns less AND she may have to pay him hubby support too until the children grow up !!! They're not telling you that now are they !!!

So yes... Be very very financially shallow OP !!

iwunderwhy · 07/08/2019 14:06

Sorry....posted on the wrong thread... what a nerd !! Apologies... brain blip !!

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 07/08/2019 17:28

iwunderwhy was it the £45,000 p/a thread by any chance?
I guess I should argue the same on that thread, but the idea of being less physically attracted to someone because they don't earn enough money really gross and uncomfortable. I guess that makes me a kink shamer Grin.

stairway · 07/08/2019 20:38

If a guy was sleeping with the perfect girl for six weeks then decided to dump her because she wasn’t pretty enough for him then of course people would think him shallow.

ThursdayLastWeek · 07/08/2019 22:31

Men might not have to worry about being perceived as shallow, but I’m not sure that makes their way the right way.

Predicter · 08/08/2019 00:10

Disgusting way of thinking, DP was born very premature and as a result is 5ft 5 and he is the most self concious person i’ve ever met because of it. He messed up the bones in his feet by wearing ‘heels’ inside his shoes for 12 years. If this were a man saying ‘AIBU to have a problem with a woman being slightly overweight’ he’d be ripped to pieces. Or ‘AIBU to have a problem with a woman who’s eyes aren’t symmetrical’, there’s nothing he can do to make himself taller. I only hope for your poor boyfriend that he realises your ‘problem’ and leaves your shallow, cruel ass in his past.

Kxxmsh3rz · 08/08/2019 00:15

Your a sexist hoerible person of you like him go for it if noy he deserves better

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 08/08/2019 00:25

If a guy was sleeping with the perfect girl for six weeks then decided to dump her because she wasn’t pretty enough for him then of course people would think him shallow.

To be fair this is pretty much the definition of shallow - to judge sexual attractiveness by superficial attributes and not deeper qualities. The question is whether that's somehow wrong.

QualCheckBot · 08/08/2019 00:32

OP, its entirely your prerogative not to find certain appearances attractive. I don't find it odd in the slightest. Personally, I find physically unattractive men deeply unattractive, and I'm not too keen on very tall, willowy men with matchstick type legs and arms either! Short men I don't have a problem with, they can be very virile!

But this is what I find odd:

Fiddlesticks To be fair this is pretty much the definition of shallow - to judge sexual attractiveness by superficial attributes and not deeper qualities. The question is whether that's somehow wrong.

How else are you meant to find someone sexually attractive, if you are a person who is attracted to visual things? Not everyone is entranced by a sense of humour, or is after money and a good job in a man! I could never, ever be with someone who was physically unattractive, and by that I mean really odd features, bad skin and teeth, etc.. I have never, ever gone after a man for his money though, and I would take great exception to being called shallow because for me, physical attractiveness equates to sexual attractiveness.

Although to be fair, I've never dated someone without a university education or who is poor, perhaps judging men by their looks and appearance is actually quite a good way of selecting your partner in life after all.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/08/2019 00:36

So you've talked to friends about his height, now you're here talking about his height. So short men really aren't for you are they? Leave him so he can find someone not caught up in so-called societal norms. Worrying about a 1 inch height difference when you have the potential for a lovely relationship. Hopefully you'll find a tall man who treats you like a Queen. You need to own up to what qualifies as attractive or not for you. Otherwise you're with a man just for the sake of having a man and that's an issue in itself. Be true to yourself and move on

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 08/08/2019 00:41

perhaps judging men by their looks and appearance is actually quite a good way of selecting your partner in life after all.

There are biological arguments which I've either forgotten, or never did understand, that those attributes which we us a species find physically attractive are just proxies for good genes.

QualCheckBot · 08/08/2019 00:49

Fiddlesticks There are biological arguments which I've either forgotten, or never did understand, that those attributes which we us a species find physically attractive are just proxies for good genes.

Isn't it something to do with symmetrical features, which are often considered more conventionally attractive, indicating healthy genes?

I do think appearance can inform quite a lot about a person's character. As in how well they look after themselves. Smoking and drinking a lot tends to show up in a person's skin.

aladyinlove · 08/08/2019 01:08

I've never bothered much with height, it's just never occurred to me really, maybe because I'm attracted to women too so having a partner shorter than me isn't weird to me?
I think height might be one of those things society says makes men attractive and that eventually seeps into your brain and seems true, I can't think of any biological reason that you would want a taller man; we're not giraffes getting leaves off the top of trees. Like how a lot of people find small dainty noses attractive and big ones ugly, because it's what you've been shown and told to find attractive.
Of course these things live deep in our unconscious and are hard to change but if you like the guy in every other way then I think it's good that you're giving it a go. In my experience the amount I find someone attractive definitely changes and I do come to find people more attractive the more I know them unless they're dicks then all of a sudden all their little flaws are staring you in the face.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 08/08/2019 01:11

I think you're right ...

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1690211/

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