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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a problem with a man being short?

291 replies

Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 10:20

This sounds - and is - shallow. I know. But it really does bother me that the man I'm seeing is shorter than me. By about an inch. He's 5'5''. We met online, good chat, been seeing each other IRL for about 6 weeks. I wasn't that keen in the beginning, but he's kind, he likes me, he makes me laugh, sex is good and he accepts my weird living arrangement (sharing house with ex due to kids + finances). And I'm beginning to really like him, but his shortness puts me off! And when I talk to friends they tend to agree that height is a tricky one to compromise on...
So has anyone had similar (shallow) issues with their DP and got over it? Or am I just a really really bad person...

OP posts:
TheFridgeRaider · 04/08/2019 13:13

Aren’t people attracted to a whole person though? I’ve never been with anyone physically perfect, but the person as a whole and their personality is what I find attractive.

You don't have to be perfect to be physically attractive.
But both, the personality and physical side must be attractive to the other person. Like I have a thing about teeth. I can't get over bad teeth, just can't, so I had to sadly not give a go to a guy with lovely personality. I just can't get over the teeth. I can be the loveliest person on a planet, but not everyone will be attracted to my physical side. Same like I could be the prettiest person on a planet, but not everyone will be attracted to my personality. And that's fine, because everyone has a type may it be physical thing or personality one.
Only time when it's shallow is imho when the person doesn't go for the other because "people would laugh".

SerenDippitty · 04/08/2019 13:16

Would you be bothered if he was as bothered about the size of your breasts as you are about his height?

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/08/2019 13:21

I don't really mind people saying 'I'm not attracted to shorter men', but I must admit to getting a bit squicked out when they say things like 'i want a man to make me feel protected and enveloped'. That makes me think of 'daddy' issues. Smaller men can be just as protective, they just don't make you feel like a little girl when they are doing it.

Most other traits that people find unattractive can be changed (hair can be grown/cut as can beards. body shape can be changed with diet/exercise), but height, like skin colour, is something you are stuck with.

SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 13:22

Someone likes tall, someone likes short. Someone likes big boobs, someone small, big butts or small, big penises or small....

Sure, I may have a preference for tall dark men (as an example, I don’t actually) but if I met someone I really liked who was short and blonde it wouldn’t actually stop me from being with them. Surely no one has such specific criteria for physical attraction?

Penises are slightly different than height! I would never want another partner with a large penis as it’s painful!

What are the actual chances of finding someone who’s exactly your physical type AND a lovely person AND is compatible with you AND has the same goals? The first thing on that list is literally the least important as far as I’m concerned.

Sure, you can say you’re not attracted to a specific individual (although I suspect this is more about chemicals and genes than a list of attributes). But if you can meet the right person and be put off by a lack of a couple of inches, that’s quite sad.

And it seems from the OP that part of the issue is other people’s opinions!

If this were a man talking about a woman who’s 1 or 2 dress sizes bigger than he’d like, he’d be crucified - and weight can change.

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 13:40

There’s literally no reason for you to think it’s sad!

This thread has shown countless people for whom it’s not an issue. So it’s not sad! Confused

Besides, what about all those poor men with giant cocks that you’ve dismissed?!

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 04/08/2019 13:44

Zaphod and JaneDoe (and other posters who've identified the toxic masculinity/societal expectations angle) - this is exactly what I was trying to get at.

cranstonmanor · 04/08/2019 13:50

I think everyone has some shallowness. I fancy the pants off of Peter Dinklage but I couldn't date a man with bad teeth.

I think OP, that you need to decide what you want out of a relationship. I also think that you need to decide if tge height thing is something you can accept or not. He doesn't need to be perfect, but you do need to accept him. If it is acceptable then just let your ideas about it go.

OldGreyBoots · 04/08/2019 13:51

EdWinchester of all the sweeping statements on this thread, "No woman thinks, ‘I love short men'" might be the most absurd!
Everyone is totally entitled to like and dislike whatever traits they do, but it's mad to say no woman actively loves short men. I do!

miaCara · 04/08/2019 13:53

Ah what a shame for the lovely man to be discounted because of his height. Its not as if you are literally tied at the hip so that the height difference is immediately noticeable to ( or given a damn by) other people.
I was reminded about this article i saw a while ago and kept note of as it struck me how we do expect to see the mans head above a womans and why that is in these days of equality in most areas.

beccarocksbaby · 04/08/2019 13:54

I think for me it's more about how I feel about myself. I've always felt bulky and I'm 5'7 so short guys accentuate that feeling.

Ex was 5'7.5 and I never felt comfortable.

Current is 5'10 and I feel so much more comfortable in myself around him.

It probably makes me exceptionally insecure. It didn't stop ex and i being together for 13 years 🤷🏻‍♀️ but did contribute to my feelings.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/08/2019 13:56

Every time a woman comes on here to say that she has gained 3 stone and her husband no longer fancies her, posters queue up to say that he's shallow, it's about the inside.

But so many people find it ok to consider short men or small hands to be a turnoff.

As a mother of a DC of short stature I am 100% biased, but still feel so sad for my son, who is funny and clever and kind and destined to be 5"3 or thereabouts, and likely to face a lot of challenges when dating. Unlike weight, height is completely unchangeable, yet there is still so much prejudice.

presumedinnocence · 04/08/2019 13:57

I was in an airline lounge last week and noticed a man attempt to chat up a woman who was sitting nearby on her own, doing something on her Mac. He asked her if she'd like to join him for a drink, she was clearly uninterested and shrugged him off and he sort of sloped away. He was reasonably good looking but short. Possibly shorter than the woman concerned. I'm not normally prejudiced against shorter men, but I found myself thinking that there was something about his height that made the incident more awkward and excruciating than it might otherwise have been. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was quite interesting.

DexyMidnight · 04/08/2019 14:03

No idea why people are so defensive about this! I am 5'2 and I (probably) wouldn't date a short man. I find tall men so attractive. No idea why. I am very sure some men have mentally 'rejected' me romantically in the past because they didn't like my (unusual) hair colour or my regional accent or because they prefer taller slim supermodel types. I'm not offended in the slightest.

We shouldn't be rude or dismissive to people because of the way they look but we're allowed not to add shag them... Just because.

DexyMidnight · 04/08/2019 14:06

*not to shag them

SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 14:06

Besides, what about all those poor men with giant cocks that you’ve dismissed?!

I haven’t dismissed them - it’s not what I would choose, but for the right relationship I’d work around it. And something that prevents you from having an intimate relationship because it causes physical pain is rather different from being put off by a man being an inch shorter than you.

And yes, it is sad.

My DH is a great husband and father and I would have missed out had I rejected him because he wasn’t exactly my physical type.

JaniceJoplin · 04/08/2019 14:10

There is so much anti-discrimination rhetoric for so many types of people in society, but it hasn’t helped short stature yet. Just look at how many jokes Ant and Dec have made out of it. It’s very unfortunate for those affected. I think there are still a few professions that have height restrictions too. I wanted to be a pilot but wasn’t eligible, not sure if that’s still the case.

BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour · 04/08/2019 14:12

Are you all that and a bag of chips yourself OP? No? then my advice is get over yourself and count yourself lucky to have come across a kind, funny man who gives you good sex.

Highandlow · 04/08/2019 14:12

I just need a man to be my height or above. Wouldn't be keen on shorter , am 5ft 4.

SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 14:14

I agree stuck, not to mention based on such ridiculous ideas about masculinity. I always used to wonder why DH had such insecurities about his height but now I get it.
Can you imagine having a physical characteristic that cannot be changed at all and means most men automatically rule you out, and admit to this so openly and cite it as simply preference? Yes, I’m sure most women just decided independently that men under a certain height are not relationship material 🙄

I’m sure your son is awesome and hopefully it’s a blessing in disguise as it will weed out the shallow ones Flowers I expect my two will be around the same height unless they suddenly start growing - not holding my breath!

cushioncovers · 04/08/2019 14:36

I'm 5'2" so it wouldn't bother me dating a man who was 'only' 5'5. As he's still taller than me. But I don't find men who are the same height as me attractive. Can't help it I just don't. However I'm obese and accept that this is a huge turn off for quite a lot of men🤷🏻‍♀️. It's the way of the world and probably harks back to our cave dwelling days.

theWarOnPeace · 04/08/2019 14:43

My DB is shorter than his wife, really quite noticeably, and I wonder if she’s ever felt this way. They’d be mad not to be together though! He adores her, she adores him, and they have to be one of the most compatible and loving couples I know. So I think that to let height difference overshadow what could be a beautiful relationship would be madness, yes.

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 14:56

I don't remember saying I was worried about what other people would think, did I?

I don't give a monkey's what people think. I'm trying to get past my feelings about being with someone who is not at least the same height as me, and to work out why it matters to me.

And I'm happy to repeat that I'm far from perfect and I'm sure I've been rejected in the past for reasons I have no control over. That is the way of the world.

Thank you again for all your comments. I'm trying to be the bigger person (see what I did there?) and not let the height difference bother me. You're helping.

OP posts:
onioncrumble · 04/08/2019 15:02

I work with a Muslim guy who is almost 7ft. His arranged marriage was with a woman who is less than 5ft, they are ridiculous but it works and I can see why. He's a wimp, she's a dynamo Grin

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 15:04

Every time a woman comes on here to say that she has gained 3 stone and her husband no longer fancies her, posters queue up to say that he's shallow, it's about the inside.

I disagree.

Firstly, gaining three stone means you’re physically very different to what was first attractive to the person.

Secondly, on those threads there are always posters saying they can understand the husband’s POV.

And thirdly; I think it’s different anyway because if you’re married you’ve dated, gotten to know each other, fallen in love, reached a level beyond the physical.

Not the same as an immediate attraction/interest or lack thereof!

@Whateveryoudoordontdo I just think if you need to talk yourself into something this much, it’s probably not right!

Skyejuly · 04/08/2019 15:04

My husband is 6ft 5 and I do like a tall man but I would try and oversee if it is great in every other way x

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