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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a problem with a man being short?

291 replies

Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 10:20

This sounds - and is - shallow. I know. But it really does bother me that the man I'm seeing is shorter than me. By about an inch. He's 5'5''. We met online, good chat, been seeing each other IRL for about 6 weeks. I wasn't that keen in the beginning, but he's kind, he likes me, he makes me laugh, sex is good and he accepts my weird living arrangement (sharing house with ex due to kids + finances). And I'm beginning to really like him, but his shortness puts me off! And when I talk to friends they tend to agree that height is a tricky one to compromise on...
So has anyone had similar (shallow) issues with their DP and got over it? Or am I just a really really bad person...

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 04/08/2019 12:10

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a short partner. Just the same as there is nothing wrong with not wanting a partner who is fat, thin, bald, hairy-chested, or whatever.

We all have things we are attracted to and things that repel us. It may be shallow but it's human nature. It's a good job we do all seek different characteristics otherwise, if we didn't discriminate, we'd all just settle for the first person we met who was the right sex as a partner.

If you prefer taller men then don't settle. Look for a taller man who has the personality traits and character you are seeking.

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 12:10

My ex is 6'4 and built like a rugby player! This man is 5'5" and light as a feather!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/08/2019 12:11

He cant help his height any more than you can help being shallow, so id do him a favour and split up.

EvaHarknessRose · 04/08/2019 12:15

[shrug] you are allowed to date and sleep with and settle down with exactly anyone you want.

I relate to this because I know I don't ever find plumper men attractive Shock and I am obese myself! I don't honestly think it's shallow, it's just 'not forcing it' - human attraction is complex and no one should limit themselves by what others think they should accept.

EdWinchester · 04/08/2019 12:18

I think it’s inbuilt. No woman thinks, ‘I love short men’. But you can get used to it if everything else is good.

HappyNOTdriving · 04/08/2019 12:18

To be honest it's up to you who you want to date and the any reasons you dont are absolutely nothing to do with anyone else even if to others they may seem shallow!

My advice though to you or anyone else (man or woman) is make a decision because it's unfair to let someone think things are going fine and to develop feelings when the other person knows they don't want to continue. The longer you (or whoever) stays with someone they know they don't actually want the more hurt the other will be because they are thinking they are on the road to a relationship.

If on the other hand you really just need people to tell you that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because if you like him then go for it because a good relationship with a man/woman you love is hard to find! Then I'm telling you fuck anyone else and go for it!

Jsmith99 · 04/08/2019 12:22

It’s fine for you to reject a man on the basis of his height, as long as you would not have a problem with him rejecting you on the basis of the colour of your skin or the size of your breasts.

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 12:25

I am concerned that it's not right to be so unsure and I don't want to waste his time or hurt him. At the same time, he is growing on me (if not actually growing 😉) so could I be throwing something away that could have turned into a really good thing...
I really appreciate everyone's opinions and agree with almost everything that's been posted, which is a good demonstration of the mess my head's in right now 😓

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/08/2019 12:25

Yep, shallow as fuck. What a shame, he sounds lovely.

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 12:32

I really don’t like the snarky undertone here. It’s like people are desperate to make OP feel like shit because she’s dared to be honest about not wanting to date a shorter man.

As I said though, it’s not surprising.

When these threads pop up, the wives/girlfriends/mothers of shorties get so defensive as though you’ve personally targeted the men in their lives! It’s bizarre!

Jaffacakebeast · 04/08/2019 12:33

I don’t fancy little men 🤷‍♀️ I’m tiny btw so I’ve never met a full grown man smaller than me, I just fancy big 6ft men, I wouldn’t call it shallow?? Everyone has personal preferences

thatistheq · 04/08/2019 12:34

I wouldn't date a short guy, I just don't find it attractive. Majority of my friends feel similar. YANBU.

thatistheq · 04/08/2019 12:36

Having said that I'm in my 20s so feel like I can be picky, probably will readjust my expectations if I find myself single in my 30s/40s.

Original poster
Whateveryoudoordontdo · 04/08/2019 12:42

Interesting array of responses...would it make a difference if I mentioned that I'm 52 and he's 57? I'm just throwing it out there because someone mentioned age...

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 12:44

I think it’s really sad that height is such a factor - I can’t understand it at all. I’ve dated men of all heights, most of my exes were over 6’, my DH is 5’6” or 5’7”, I can’t remember because I genuinely don’t care.

He is so insecure about his height, he’s always noticing other people’s heights and I genuinely won’t notice. I feel so sad that this completely unchangeable thing is such a factor, and it’s so caught up in toxic masculinity. Would someone really overlook a potential partner who’s otherwise fantastic because they’re shorter than average?

Our twins are both 5th centile for height, and I already know it’s going to be a massive issue for them when they’re older. Such a shame.

bumblingbovine49 · 04/08/2019 12:49

I am a large woman and taller than average 5ft 8. I like the feeling of being powerful. Having a very large man around or enveloping me is slightly claustrophobic. I prefer holding/ cuddling someone my own size ( roughly).

I have dated men much taller than me but interestingly have always had long term relationships and marriages with men around an inch or two.shorter or taller than me ( two marriages and one long-term.live in realtionship). That is.what I obviously prefer , though it wasn't deliberate in that I never thought about height , j just went with who.l preferred/ was most attracted to , and these were usually not.the men who wanted to ' take care' of me.

It is not inevitable that women only find partners who are larger than then sexually attractive. If that were the case ,shorter lesbians would have a much harder time finding a partner !!!

I find it slightly found it slightly suspect when men.say they only find small.women attractive and when women say they only find larger/ taller men attractive

We are conditioned to find larger men attractive based on the fact that they can ' supposedly take care of us and defend us better'.

Sexual desire is most definitely rooted in the culture we grow up in and whilst Incompletely agree that it is individual in a lot.of ways, I would also suggest that every individual examine.their ' non negotiable' features that contribute to attraction for them to.see.where they originate.from . We may not be able to do.much about what we find attractive but we can certainly be aware of.when they are more than superficial but also based what could be a harmful social construct. Better self awareness is always a.goal even if I would never recommend you stay with someone who doesn't do if for you.

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 12:49

Would someone really overlook a potential partner who’s otherwise fantastic because they’re shorter than average?

Yep. But I really don’t see how it’s sad. I mean, you married him so there’s obviously people for whom it’s not an issue!

Fragalino · 04/08/2019 12:52

How on earth earth can we help what attracts us to other people.
I definalty prefer tall men. I've had short bf and definitely no one shorter than me.
Op it would be a shame to ruin potential wondeful affair because of some inches but how can we help it if we don't find them attractive?

EmeraldShamrock · 04/08/2019 12:55

I don't think you're being shallow giving g ot lots of thinking space, though I think you would be mad to let him go considering all the good things about him.
Nobody has the perfect DP.
You cant change height neither can he so it is a bit shit. Sad

SinkGirl · 04/08/2019 12:57

Aren’t people attracted to a whole person though? I’ve never been with anyone physically perfect, but the person as a whole and their personality is what I find attractive. I just can’t imagine thinking “I really like this person and love spending time with them but they’re a couple of inches too short / have wonky teeth / have a bit of a beer belly” etc. Maybe I’m unusual but attraction doesn’t work like that for me and I find it odd that it does for other people.

TheFridgeRaider · 04/08/2019 13:01

It's not shallow if it was because it genuinely doesn't attract you.
Someone likes tall, someone likes short. Someone likes big boobs, someone small, big butts or small, big penises or small....

As long as it's not because "Gosh, people would laugh at us because he/she is/has small/large etc etc" it's fine. You can't help what you are attracted to🤷

IvanaPee · 04/08/2019 13:01

Aren’t people attracted to a whole person though?

Yes, but the problem is there’s just not very much of them! 😂

Debbiecurtbag · 04/08/2019 13:04

Your tall ex partners must be ex for a reason?
I’d happily date someone if that height but then I’m 5 foot 2 which may make a difference. The older I get the more I think looks really aren’t important.

Shimy · 04/08/2019 13:09

Op it would be a shame to ruin potential wondeful affair because of some inches but how can we help it if we don't find them attractive?

The difference here is she is already having an affair/in a relationship with him. It’s a bit like dating someone you think (for want of a better word) is “fat” (substitute that with Asian, black etc) They are lovely, interesting, kind, good in bed etc but secretly you’re prejudiced against larger people and don’t really want to introduce them to your friendship circle and family.

I think this is where OP falls down, if she had just said, ‘I’m just not attracted to short men, blonde men, skinny men etc and would never date one”, that’s fine because like you said you can’t choose who you are attracted to. But she is attracted to him otherwise how did she get into bed with him? This is why people are saying it’s shallow.

behindlocknumbernine · 04/08/2019 13:09

I am 6ft1. Dh is 5ft8. Happily together for 29 years. Happily married for 20 of those years.

At the time I discounted him because of his lack of height. But I would have discounted someone hard working, honest, funny, kind, caring and an allround good egg.

Also, our dc have ended up 'normal' heights, ds is 5ft10 aged 20 and dd 5ft6 aged nearly 17 ( so may have a teeny bit of growing left to do but not much) which is good as I didn't want my dd to stick out as much as I do, and to struggle buying clothes that are long enough in the way I do.