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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

171 replies

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 08:40

It has taken me a lot to start a thread on here.

When he is out of the house he never answers his phone the first time I call him, however he will call back 2-5 hours later and during that time I am filled with worry and anxiety.

He went out yesterday, I called him just after 9pm just to see if he was ok and to ask what time he would be home, as usual he never answered, I called up until 11.30 (not back to back) still no answer, I then called his cousin his cousin said “he is here” and passed the phone to him.

I suffer from anxiety and he knows this, whenever I don’t answer my phone to him which is rare, he will call everyone close to me and her very annoyed with me.

I know that he is probably fine, but I start getting intrusive thought that something has happened to him.

He arrived home around 3am had a shower and thought it was ok to put his cold hand on my back then get into bed like nothing has happened.

Guys I just can’t cope with this nonsense anymore, we are both getting of age now even though we something act like we are our early 20s I’m 38 and he is 39.

Please tell me I’m not being over dramatic.

OP posts:
Ellabella989 · 04/08/2019 08:46

If he knows you have anxiety then it shouldn’t be difficult for him to answer the phone quickly or send a quick text letting you know he is ok.

I do think people need to be left alone to enjoy time with their friends though and me and DP don’t contact each other other than a quick “here now, see you in a few hours when I’m back ” type message.

Do you have help with your anxiety at all? Is your DP supportive about it when he’s not on nights out? Do you 100% trust him when he’s out?

SallyWD · 04/08/2019 08:47

Given you're anxiety it wouldn't hurt him to send you a text saying all is fine. To be honest I would hate it if I was out with my friends and my husband called to "check I was OK and see what time I'd be back". I would find it intrusive (maybe controlling). Unless he's out nearly every night can't you let him relax and enjoy his night? My husband and I never call each other if we're out separately. We'd see it as interfering and needy.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 08:57

Well, I was going to point out to you that anxiety or not it's controlling to demand that somebody always answers the phone to you wherever they are, whatever they're doing - but then I saw he does that to you and gets angry if you don't?

His behaviour is controlling and abnormal. You need to stop replicating it.

Did you have anxiety before you met him? Is there other "nonsense" going on between you?

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 09:03

Depending on where you live you should be able to refer yourself to your local IAPT service (NHS) for CBT to help you address your intrusive anxious thoughts.

Because they are for you to deal with, not to transfer to other people by requiring them to always answer their phone, etc.

Googling "IAPT" and your county or city name should be enough to find the details, or if not your GP will have them.

CalmdownJanet · 04/08/2019 09:05

Yabu I think, I realise you have anxiety but you need to do something about it, why did you call him at 9? And then keep calling? That would drive me insane! It's really controlling and just not on at all, your anxiety cannot rule other people.

BUT then you say he does the same when you go out, can you say more about that? Does he have anxiety? Could he be trying to show you how annoying it is to constantly get calls?

HeddaGarbled · 04/08/2019 09:08

I think you both need to agree that when you are out, you won’t be In contact with each other at all.

If you at home alone and experiencing anxiety, use your strategies to deal with that, but don’t phone him. Waiting for him to call back is making you feel worse, not better.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 09:08

@cottonwoolsnowmens : Yes he gets very annoyed if I don’t answer my phone, 90% of the time I have my phone right beside me (it’s very important to me being a mum of four)

Yes I’ve always had anxiety, and I will
admit there is always something going on between us but it’s not that major.

Do you have help with your anxiety at all? Is your DP supportive about it when he’s not on nights out? Do you 100% trust him when he’s out?

I don’t get help or treatment for my anxiety, I’ve had it since a child (no reason behind it) and no he is not really supportive, he is used to me by now, on a scale of 1-10 where trust is involved I’m at 7 with him, he has been unfaithful in the past (years ago) but I still can’t forget about it.

@SallyWD : He goes out a lot, the only day he stays in is on a Sunday.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 04/08/2019 09:08

It makes it more complicated that he is strange about you picking up the phone back. How often does it happen this way round? Is it possible that he gets annoyed at being told he is inconsiderate for not picking up and finds it’s hypocritical when the roles are reversed?

As someone who has suffered from anxiety and had similar issues in previous relationships in terms of panicking when ex was out and didn’t pick up/call back, I was going to suggest you try to deal with this with your therapist. It sounds like you know the pattern of him not picking up, you catastrophising and then.. is there a confrontation when he gets home? But your situation is different if you both have the same behaviours. Is the motivation the same? Is he he panicking or is he controlling? Does he see it the same way you do? I think this sounds like something you need to work through together probably with a professional.
Also, when you are worrying, what do you think is going to happen? Has it ever happened? I find it helpful to check the facts, to stop my emotions running away with me.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 09:10

@CalmdownJanet : I wasn’t calling back to back, I called him to see if he was ok.

And no he doesn’t suffer from anxiety, he is the most laid back person I’ve ever met. Whenever I go out he does call me to see if I am ok, he doesn’t like me being out for long.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 04/08/2019 09:12

PS sorry just seen you don’t see anyone about your anxiety. Your update does make me think you may benefit from talking through how you feel about your relationship, you don’t sound happy.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 09:12

Whenever I go out he does call me to see if I am ok, he doesn’t like me being out for long.

That's controlling. It's not caring.

Yearinyearout · 04/08/2019 09:12

Sounds likes an unhealthy relationship all round. Firstly why would a family man of 39 be going out 6 nights out of 7, where is he going until 3am, why is he having a shower in the middle of the night? Sounds like you don't trust him at all, and I don't think I would either!

Idontwanttotalk · 04/08/2019 09:15

When my DH goes out with friends he tells where he is going and says he'll text me when he's leaving them so I know he's on his way home. I don't ask him to, he just naturally does it. I wouldn't dream of telephoning him while he's out with his friends.

Would it have helped if your DH said that he was going out, maybe seeing his cousin and not to wait up as he'd probably be really late? At least that would set some expectations for you.

Vulpine · 04/08/2019 09:19

Why does he need a shower at 3am

MsButterfly · 04/08/2019 09:20

It’s not at all necessary surely to call each other when out to see “if you’re ok”. In fact I find it very odd.

When you say he’s out 6 days out of 7, do you mean on nights out drinking or just work/sport/gym/shops etc etc and nights out?

Can you try whatsapping each other instead as a compromise? Much less intrusive than phoning and only takes a second to reply. You can also see if he’s read it and be reassured he’s clearly fine, even if he doesn’t reply.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 09:22

@Yearinyearout : When I say out, I don’t mean coming home after midnight. He knows that he can’t just pull of his clothes and jump into bed, it’s a rule in the house that we shower/bath before getting into bed.

@Idontwanttotalk : Your DH sounds lovely and considerate.

OP posts:
scubadive · 04/08/2019 09:24

I’m nit surprised you have anxiety with your DH behaving like that.

How does anyone have the energy at 39 and 4 children to go out 6 nights a week. How does he have the money and why isn’t he with you and the children. 3am and comes home and has a shower. I would suggest he is definite with someone, maybe double dating or in a relationship with his cousin???

I’m afraid this is not normal behaviour, you need to tell him calmly it is unacceptable and I think you need to consider asking him to leave.

CalmdownJanet · 04/08/2019 09:24

Ok well judging by your update there are two things here, one is, sorry this will sound harsh, but if you are seeking no help for the anxiety then I'd not be answering my phone either, that's really selfish, if you have an issue that effects others you at least try to sort it out. Otherwise it seems like just a nice excuse yo be controlling. I mean what was he doing that you even needed to call and see if he was "ok"?

The fact he does it to you leads me to believe that is either (1) showing you how annoying it is or (2) playing some sort of game not answering you on purpose to mess with your head but then bombarding you. Either way ye BOTH need to sort your shit out.

If I had a friend who's partner called constantly when we were out and then started calling me too I wouldn't be friends with them for long to be honest, not in this situation

Karwomannghia · 04/08/2019 09:31

Neither of you are helping each other here. You need to talk about this at a neutral time ie not when one of you is out, about to go out or has just been out. You need to decide not to speak to each other unless it is a proper emergency, which very rarely happens. This doesn’t include one of the dc not doing something or something being lost etc. Anxiety and worry won’t affect anything. You need to find ways of distracting yourself when he’s out so you’re not focused on getting his attention.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 09:32

scubadive : Thanks for understanding why this causes my anxiety; there was a part of
me that thought you’d think I was over-reacting.

Wow, this is the reason why I didn’t want to post on here, relationship with his cousin? yes they’re very close and he is not with him all the time, I called his cousin to see if he had spoken to him, only to find that he was sitting beside him. I don’t think he is dating or seeing someone else.

The fact he does it to you leads me to believe that is either (1) showing you how annoying it is or (2) playing some sort of game not answering you on purpose to mess with your head but then bombarding you. Either way ye BOTH need to sort your shit out

Sometimes I think he does it on purpose, it’s not nice and I don’t like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 09:34

I have told him that if he keeps behaving the way he does. He will have to leave!

One of our sons have ASD, and it’s not easy and DH doesn’t offer any help or support.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 04/08/2019 09:35

I’ve got a friend and she and her partner do this and it’s so bloody annoying. She’ll text when she’s pissed saying back soon love you and he’ll start texting when are you back when she invariably doesn’t go home when she’s said.

gonewiththepotter · 04/08/2019 09:36

Sometimes I just don’t think men think ahead. The other day my DH let his phone die at lunch time at work (wasn’t home until 9pm) despite me currently being 5+2 and having had cramps before he left.

I was fine so I didn’t say anything but part of me just thought 🤔 what if I’d needed to call you? What if something had happened?

I suppose I could have called his ward and asked a nice nurse to track him down ... but who knows how long that could take!

lavenderbluedilly · 04/08/2019 09:37

Agreed with others, there’s no need for either of you to be checking up on the other one, during nights out. I think you both need to work on that.

My SIL constantly does this with her husband, and he gets teased by his mates about it, and doesn’t answer her calls. So she’ll then start ringing round his mates Hmm

user1493413286 · 04/08/2019 09:39

What do you mean by he doesn’t like you going out for long? Your updates make me think there’s quite a lot more going on than him being inconsiderate.

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