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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

171 replies

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 08:40

It has taken me a lot to start a thread on here.

When he is out of the house he never answers his phone the first time I call him, however he will call back 2-5 hours later and during that time I am filled with worry and anxiety.

He went out yesterday, I called him just after 9pm just to see if he was ok and to ask what time he would be home, as usual he never answered, I called up until 11.30 (not back to back) still no answer, I then called his cousin his cousin said “he is here” and passed the phone to him.

I suffer from anxiety and he knows this, whenever I don’t answer my phone to him which is rare, he will call everyone close to me and her very annoyed with me.

I know that he is probably fine, but I start getting intrusive thought that something has happened to him.

He arrived home around 3am had a shower and thought it was ok to put his cold hand on my back then get into bed like nothing has happened.

Guys I just can’t cope with this nonsense anymore, we are both getting of age now even though we something act like we are our early 20s I’m 38 and he is 39.

Please tell me I’m not being over dramatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 22:07

More to keep you in line and too busy/financially dependent on him to look elsewhere.

I am not financially dependent on him, I would never put myself or the children in that position.

I had children knowing if something was ever to happen to him, me and the children would be fine.

Please can you stop assuming.

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 05/08/2019 22:13

Oh come on OP, I've laid out my reasoning. Whilst very aware that other people's finances are their own business, the circumstances you describe, don't usually stretch to a 6 person trip to Dubai.
I've got two young dc, work pt, DH (who pulls his weight and doesn't control me) works ft in a professional job, as a higher rate tax payer, we have a modest mortgage in SW England and a Dubai holiday for the 4 of us would be something we'd all hate a huge financial stretch. More power to you living in central London with one part time income and two kids charged as adults for travel purposes.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 05/08/2019 22:14

I'll stop assuming. But there's something odd. Really odd. The whole dynamic is bizarre.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 22:14

Putyourdamnshoeson

Ok, I understand.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 05/08/2019 22:15

I think people are assuming you don’t work and thus are financially dependent, because if you do work it makes it even more unfair the way chores/family life are shared. If you don’t work but have independent means apart from your husband,it’s pretty reasonable that no one would guess that as it’s pretty unusual for people to not need to work.

Benes · 05/08/2019 22:16

It's not helping. It's called parenting. He isn't not 'helping' you ...he's choosing to opt of of his parental responsibilities.

Cyberworrier · 05/08/2019 22:16

Crosspost!

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 22:16

Putyourdamnshoeson

I don’t understand why you think this is odd?? I am a SAHM, DH works 3 days a week for a well know delivery company.

I don’t and will not, speak about money. I don’t feel as if it is anyones business.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 05/08/2019 22:33

You're not really listening to anyone that is saying yabu and homing in on any little thing thst you see as justifies your position. Good luck, you're going to need it.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 05/08/2019 22:37

Look, absolutely no need for you to discuss finances, that's fair enough, but I'm sorry, I think this is relevant.
He's a delivery driver for a well known company so, does 3 days a week at a notoriously low paid job and you're all 6 of you going to Dubai? You don't earn.
Couple this with him being out, but not partying 6 nights a week and not wanting to be contacted.
Genuinely, do you not think that DH is doing something illegal? Is that why you're so worried about him? And why he is worried about you? Using only a trusted cabbie?
This is totally relevant here.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 22:58

Putyourdamnshoeson I worry about him the same way I worry about our oldest son when he goes out.

I do not have an income but I have my own money, I am sorry but I will not discuss that the same way I don’t speak about money/earnings in RL.

I do not understand how that it relevant.

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 05/08/2019 23:01

It relates to his being out 6 nights a week. Like I said. Twice.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 23:04

Enough is enough now, thanks for your advice.

I am not going to stay here and tell this forum how much money we have and what we own; especially when there are people here struggling.

Have a good night!

OP posts:
Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 07/08/2019 17:54

I didn’t think I would have to re-visit this thread again, but nonsense has started again.

I can’t cope with this anymore!

OP posts:
JonSlow · 07/08/2019 18:42

Are you ready to read and consider what people are saying, rather than dismiss and defend everything?

JonSlow · 07/08/2019 18:44

You will get tough love on this thread. There will be things that hurt to read, there will be assumptions that are wrong. But a lot of people have experience and can see the warning signs. You’ve been worn down so much you can’t see them. Take your time to absorb the help you are getting.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 07/08/2019 19:30

JonSlow After this holiday we are over!

I won’t let him make me feel like this no longer, I took the advice on here and I haven’t been bombarding him with phone calls, since Monday I haven’t called him at all whilst he has been out.

I call him today because I had something important to tell him, he had switched his phone off.

I called his work place to see if he had arrived at work, he had and they located him on the GPS, now I know for certain he is doing this sh*t (sorry for my bad language) to irritate me!

Yes he is home now but that’s not the f**king point (sorry for my bad language again - I never swear)

He is acting like he wasn’t raised with manners and also as if he has no children. That’s like me switching my phone off when I have four children, I just wouldn’t.

Please help me be strong and get rid of him.

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/08/2019 19:50

What's the housing situation? Owned or rented? Names on the mortgage/rental agreement?

Is there a friend or parent you can confide in?

Don't tell him yet, you need to get things sorted first.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 07/08/2019 20:03

Motoko Home belongs to me (It was my dads) everything is in my name.

Some people may think I’m exaggerating but I can’t cope with this anymore, I’ve had a difficult pass couple of days with my ASD child, it’s almost as if I don’t get a break.

I have friends and my mum, but they think our relationship is perfect and as much as I am annoyed with DH behaviour but I will not embarrass him.

OP posts:
JonSlow · 07/08/2019 20:17

Swear all you fucking want - get it off your chest. It’s cathartic!

So he is still playing power games with the ability to contact etc?

Benes · 07/08/2019 20:29

You deserve much better than this ... remember that.

SweatyUnderboob · 07/08/2019 20:32

Once you tell your mum, there is no going back. Perhaps that would help your resolve in getting rid of him.

Motoko · 07/08/2019 20:41

Well, it'll be harder with no support, and with friends and family thinking he's not done anything wrong. They'll try to persuade you to get back together. It's madness.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 07/08/2019 20:43

JonSlow Yes he is, and he knows I don’t like it. Like I said I took advice here and I haven’t been bombarding him with calls, I only called him because I needed to tell him something.

Now he is complaining that he has a back ache, I don’t care I don’t want to know.

I never ever get a break, I do everything for him and I don’t get any thanks, I don’t even want him to come on holiday with us, but he is going to have to come.

Benes Thank you.

OP posts:
JonSlow · 07/08/2019 20:54

I know it’s hard - just stop playing his game. Don’t call him, don’t chase after him. If you need him in a life or death situation, you can call his work.

You will wonder where he is, about his welfare etc. For all these years he’s been ok. He will be for the remaining days you have to keep him in your life. Start a mental countdown... 10days until you get rid of the prick etc etc