Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

171 replies

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 08:40

It has taken me a lot to start a thread on here.

When he is out of the house he never answers his phone the first time I call him, however he will call back 2-5 hours later and during that time I am filled with worry and anxiety.

He went out yesterday, I called him just after 9pm just to see if he was ok and to ask what time he would be home, as usual he never answered, I called up until 11.30 (not back to back) still no answer, I then called his cousin his cousin said “he is here” and passed the phone to him.

I suffer from anxiety and he knows this, whenever I don’t answer my phone to him which is rare, he will call everyone close to me and her very annoyed with me.

I know that he is probably fine, but I start getting intrusive thought that something has happened to him.

He arrived home around 3am had a shower and thought it was ok to put his cold hand on my back then get into bed like nothing has happened.

Guys I just can’t cope with this nonsense anymore, we are both getting of age now even though we something act like we are our early 20s I’m 38 and he is 39.

Please tell me I’m not being over dramatic.

OP posts:
Motoko · 04/08/2019 11:48

He sounds abusive to me. My exH used to phone me throughout the day, (this was before mobiles, I was a SAHM) and if I happened to be on the phone when he called, he'd want to know who I was talking to. If I was out, he'd want to know where I was, who I was with, etc.

He was usually out most nights after work, and at football on Saturdays. He didn't like my friends, and didn't like me going out with them.

This was part of his abuse, and I get a really strong feeling that your H is abusing you too. By making you get a taxi, he knows where you are, and who you're with. He doesn't trust you to not go with another man, it's got nothing to do with your safety, and everything to do with controlling you. He's probably having an affair on some of those nights he's out too, that's why he thinks you will have an affair, he's projecting, it's a common tactic by abusers, to accuse their partners of doing/being what they are guilty of.

You do need to deal with your anxiety, although I suspect that he contributes massively to why you're so anxious. Get an appointment and actually go. Also, speak to Women's Aid. And stop ringing him when he's out. Get on with something, make the most of your time without him, even if it's just sitting and reading a book, or watching your favourite tv show. (I bet he hogs the remote when he's at home.) I grew to love the times he was out of the house, and dreaded hearing his key in the lock. I ended up leaving him, and immediately felt so much freer, so much happier. It was the right thing to do. I hope you can find that freedom too.

BlueSkiesLies · 04/08/2019 11:50

Why should your anxiety rule his life. So tiresome. No one wants a phone call on a night out.

Motoko · 04/08/2019 11:51

Relationship counselling together is not advised if there is abuse, and what he's doing to OP is abusive.

Oysterbabe · 04/08/2019 11:53

It would do my head in if my husband kept trying to call me when I was on a night out. I think you need help for your anxiety.

burnoutbabe · 04/08/2019 11:56

I can't imagine going out that often and not even telling other half who I was going out with (in general ie work mates or meeting family or whoever).
We would also text during evening to say hi and also confirm eta - ie heading soon or that it will be a late one so don't wait for dinner etc.
Just seems normal to me.

CatInADoghouse · 04/08/2019 11:57

I think you're both being over dramatic. You both need to stop phoning each other like this. It's not healthy. Get help for you anxiety and both of you need to talk to someone about why you're trying to control each other. My xbf used to constantly be phoning and texting me all day. He hated me being out even when I was just out with my mum. It was suffocating. I love the fact that DH and I never text throughout the day unless it's something that can't wait until later. He'll only text me to let me know he's on his way home from work so I can have food ready for him. This is my choice to do and he doesn't expect it. I trust him 100% and when he's out after work or out with friends I leave him to it and he does with me. You both sound like hard work. It must be mentally draining for you both in this relationship. I hope you can get the help you need.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/08/2019 12:01

So many threads like this. He is abusive ffs. He is controlling you. He doesn't want you out of the house for long as he has no interest in having to parent his fucking children or spending evenings with you.
He has already cheated on you.

Has it never occurred to you that this man and his behaviour are a massive factor in your anxiety?

RiftGibbon · 04/08/2019 12:04

I can't see how your anxiety can improve when he seems to actively find ways to raise it.
He needs to step up and parent his children, and take on his share of responsibility for things around the house.
He should text you when he's arrived and and is leaving wherever it is he's gone. You need to stop phoning him.
He needs to stop putting pressure on you to be contactable at all times and in all places but again, you should let him know when you've arrived and when you're leaving wherever it is you've gone.
I think you need some help with managing your anxiety but if I were you I'd be giving the future of the relationship some serious consideration as it doesn't sound great at the moment; he can do what he wants when he wants, but you need to be on call at all times.

Iamtornonwhattodo · 04/08/2019 12:15

I think the only thing you can do OP is start with you. Go talk to a doctor and set up some counselling for your anxiety. You don’t need to live with this. My husband had depression for MANY years until he went and got help. He is a totally different person now. Put yourself first and go get some professional help. For you.

They will also be able to give you professional advice on your marriage which is think is much needed.

Take care x

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2019 12:30

Just stop calling him then when he’s out. Then your anxiety - which is triggered by his refusal to answer the phone - will not spiral.

If you are anxious because he is out, either tackle the problem of him going out all the time (but I don’t fancy your chances, from what you’ve said) or get help fur your anxiety.

Start with yourself, anyway, whatever you do.

Beaverdam · 04/08/2019 13:04

Hes obviously doing it on purpose because he gets off on knowing you are at home worrying about him. I had a partner like thos years ago. One night while out in the city, phoned me at 3am saying that he was stranded. He then turned his phoned off completed do i had no idea if he was okay. Leave the bastard.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 13:15

Have you got children? Do you think this is a healthy model for them to see?

Yes we have 4 children together, my oldest son who is 18 was doing the same (not answering my calls) but we spoke about it and he doesn’t do it as often anymore.

And no I don’t think they should see it, my soon to be 13 year old is aware of my anxiety and is very helpful and reassuring (yes I know at his age he shouldn’t have to witness it)

Once the boys are back at school I am going to seek help.

OP posts:
Coffeeandcherrypie · 04/08/2019 13:35

@gonewiththepotter

Sometimes I just don’t think men think ahead.

I bet he thinks ahead at work. He just doesn’t it as important to think ahead where you’re concerned. And lots of men do think ahead out of work too, telling ourselves that ‘men just don’t think ahead’ let’s then off the hook.

I suppose I could have called his ward and asked a nice nurse to track him down ... but who knows how long that could take!

So a ‘work wife’ to keep him in check?

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 13:48

Motoko I wouldn’t say he is abusive, I am not intimidated or scared of him, he has never ever shown any aggression or even raised his voice to me.

Yes he does take advantage there’s no denying that.

Coffeeandcherrypie DH works 3 days a week.

OP posts:
Motoko · 04/08/2019 14:45

Of course you don't think he's abusive, because he's trained you to accept this, it's your "normal", but being violent isn't the only way someone can abuse you.

wafflyversatile · 04/08/2019 15:11

If you can't go about your anxiety can you go about your relationship.

Cyberworrier · 04/08/2019 15:20

He only works three days a week? And you do absolutely everything with the children and your house?

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 16:08

Cyberworrier He doesn’t help at all, he always cleans up after himself and sometimes helps with the cooking.

Our children go to three different schools, luckily my eldest boy helps with the school run.

OP posts:
Cyberworrier · 04/08/2019 17:00

When you say ‘my son’, are the children his? Not that it would mean he should getaway with living like a lodger while you are house keeper (tidying up after himself). I mean, on some threads there are couples where one partner is happy to stay at home and take full or more responsibility of the home and children because their other half is a banker/high earning workaholic. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. How did you get to this point? Has he always taken you for granted like this and take no responsibility in your family? I just don’t understand why you want to be with him. What do your family and friends think?

iolaus · 04/08/2019 17:12

My phone is often on silent (because I turn it silent for work etc and forget to turn it back up) so I will miss calls, and then return them

My husband won't always answer his phone if I ring him (usually that means he's cycling) but will ring me back when he can

When I was out with friends her husband kept ringing and texting to ask when she would be back (we'd gone to the pub for food and the meal wasn't even in front of us at that point) - she ended up being guilted into leaving earlier than she would have

iolaus · 04/08/2019 17:18

Actually reading through his behaviour over you is also weird - unless you have previously attempted to harm yourself and then the ringing round when you don't answer could just be over protectiveness (though then I'd imagine he'd answer the phone to you)

You do sound like you need help - both for the anxiety and the relationship

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 17:25

Cyberworrier : Yes, all four are his/ours, sorry I shouldn’t have said “my”. I don’t know how it got to this point, and I haven’t told family and friends about what he does, as they think he is perfect.

iolaus : I have never attempted to hurt myself and I never would.

I will seek help when the boys are back at school.

OP posts:
CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 04/08/2019 19:09

Don't wait until they are back at school to get help. Once they are, there will be another reason to put it off. Do it now.

I also think the not answering is another form of control, like pp.

This all sounds a bit codependent and also like he's got you under coercive control.

Please get out op 💪

Cyberworrier · 04/08/2019 19:46

I agree with Censorship. OP, maybe a good first step would be going to your GP for your anxiety, hopefully you could get referred for some CBT or at least during your assessment the stress you are living with would be acknowledged. Which of your friends or family would you feel most comfortable speaking to?
I really think talking to someone would make you feel less alone. Ok, they may think he’s great but also they may just think he’s ok. When I split from abusive ex, friends felt awful initially they hadn’t been able to tell. Gradually they did admit there were things they had thought were odd,but they’d just assumed I was happy. Please tell someone.

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/08/2019 19:52

I called him to see if he was ok.

I don’t get this. Why would anyone call their partner on a night out ‘to see if they are ok’? Why wouldn’t they be? Before mobile phones we went out for entire days or evenings, or sometimes both, without having any contact whatsoever with our DP/DH or whoever. This need for adults to be constantly in touch with each other is so bizarre.

In your case though OP, while I think YABU for calling him I think he is even more unreasonable for expecting you to be constantly available to him when you’re apart.