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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

171 replies

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 08:40

It has taken me a lot to start a thread on here.

When he is out of the house he never answers his phone the first time I call him, however he will call back 2-5 hours later and during that time I am filled with worry and anxiety.

He went out yesterday, I called him just after 9pm just to see if he was ok and to ask what time he would be home, as usual he never answered, I called up until 11.30 (not back to back) still no answer, I then called his cousin his cousin said “he is here” and passed the phone to him.

I suffer from anxiety and he knows this, whenever I don’t answer my phone to him which is rare, he will call everyone close to me and her very annoyed with me.

I know that he is probably fine, but I start getting intrusive thought that something has happened to him.

He arrived home around 3am had a shower and thought it was ok to put his cold hand on my back then get into bed like nothing has happened.

Guys I just can’t cope with this nonsense anymore, we are both getting of age now even though we something act like we are our early 20s I’m 38 and he is 39.

Please tell me I’m not being over dramatic.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/08/2019 19:57

I'm sorry op. But it's not really remotely acceptable to say you're mentally ill and that's why you behave as you do, and to seek no help for it. Is even worse when you say your kids know you're mentally ill.

He should not expect you to Answer immediately. But he should be able to go out without you calling and blaming it on your mental health.

I'm sorry but you need to sort yourself out. Not just say I'm ill and everyone has to accept it.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 20:40

AlexaAmbidextra : Sorry if I didn’t make it clear, but he wasn’t on a night out he just said he was going out for a few hours, he does not go to clubs or parties (thank god)

OP posts:
Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 20:42

Bluntness100 : I have never said that I am mentally ill, because I’m not mentally ill.

Your comment has actually upset me, mental illness is very serious, I used to work with people with mental health issues.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/08/2019 21:05

I don’t think Bluntness meant to upset you, OP - suffering from anxiety is a mental health issue.

And if it’s interfering in your life then it should be tackled.

Everything is on a spectrum - mental health is just like physical health. A bad virus can knock you out for a few weeks or your knee could trouble you persistently, and neither of those would be ‘serious’ compared to getting admitted to hospital with meningitis or needing to use a wheelchair. But you’d still treat your symptoms to stop them interfering with your life.

ShawshanksRedemption · 04/08/2019 21:23

So @18YearsAMummy, he goes out 6 our of 7 nights (doing what? socialising?). He works 3 days a week. You do most of the housework (5am ironing), and childcare.

Your relationship does not sound very equal from what you have shared here.

When either me or my husband go out socially, we tell each other where we are going, who with, and what time roughly we'll be back. We txt each other if it changes. I just see that as considerate.

LagunaBubbles · 04/08/2019 21:41

have never said that I am mentally ill, because I’m not mentally ill

Anxiety is a normal human reaction to a real or perceived physical or psychological stress. However when it interferes with our quality of life badly or very much becomes a mental health issue. Which of course isn't going to be easy to tackle but worth it. Your behaviour isn't normal OP and isn't healthy for you. Neither is your relationship either tbh but I see you say you have no intention of ending it.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 04/08/2019 21:54

Do you suspect another woman? Why's he showering at 3am?

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 22:49

LeekMunchingSheepShagger : There is a rule in our house, everyone must shower/bath before getting in bed.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/08/2019 23:38

I don’t understand why you expect him to follow that rule, but are in a strop because he ‘thought it was okay to touch your back with his cold hand’.

Pumpkintopf · 04/08/2019 23:45

He sounds ridiculously controlling , checking up on you when you're doing a food shop fgs, how would be he feel if you went out most nights and avoided his calls?!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/08/2019 23:46

I went through this with my DP, I suffered really badly from anxiety and I got myself into a massive state. You need to get help for your anxiety.

C0untDucku1a · 04/08/2019 23:50

He sounds controlling. And taking the piss. He goes out 6 nights a week? But doesnt like you going out?! Wtf!

Why is there a rule everyone has to shower becore bed?

Butterymuffin · 04/08/2019 23:59

Who made the rule about having to shower before bed? What happens if someone doesn't?

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 04:35

C0untDucku1a & Butterymuffin I thought most people bathed showered before bed? I am very strict on hygiene.

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 05/08/2019 05:08

You would drive me crazy. I can't stand being monitered.

Newmumma83 · 05/08/2019 05:41

Hi op,
If your husband goes out and is longer than anticipated it’s good manners to let you know he is going to be later and all is ok.

It doesn’t take anxiety to worry if someone is an hour or two late that something bad has happened .

Same token though if he gets a night out you get a night out.

I understand a call is not always easy in a social setting but a text wouldn’t hurt

If you both have I phones there is an app called find friends you can both download and you can see where he is / if on route / moving / etc to ease concerns

It’s not a stalking app too all who may say so .. well you could use it as such but it’s handy for example my husband travels for work is often on calls in the car and caught in traffic so if I am trying to see how on track he is for putting dinner on I just pop the app up and have a check how he seems to be doing so I can better guess his arrival without disturbing him.

Might help without having to disturb his night?

I would talk to him about acceptable communication or apps?

I would also want him to offer me the same courtesy what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

Glad you are going to seek help anxiety is crippling , you may benefit from counselling to understand triggers and ways to
Manage the anxiety or even medication to help calm you.

Your 18 year old sounds marvellous by the way ... but If He does more for his siblings than his dad ( just impression I may be wrong ) I would discuss this with their father because it’s not the 18 year olds job to be the father figure.

A change in dynamics is needed ... your husband may have things that he wants you to work on to and that’s fine we all get into habits that upset our partners but need to agree to work together on how to be better to each other

Not easy but good luck op.

X x

Yeahnahmum · 05/08/2019 05:47

Both of you need some help to deal with your issues
It will make your life and your husbands life so much better.

And do blame being too anxious to go get help. You go out with friends
And shop allone etc

If you can do that, you can get yourself into a counsellors office. Or are you afraid of being told that you are too over dramatic Hmm

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 06:04

Or are you afraid of being told that you are too over dramatic hmm

Yes.

OP posts:
Mummadeeze · 05/08/2019 06:06

I am afraid he is being controlling by not answering the phone to you. My partner is emotionally abusive and this is one of his things. He calls me and even if I call him back within 10 seconds he will not pick up. He has not answered the phone to me in 15 years, I have to wait for him to phone me back. And depending on how much he wants to punish me, it could be hours later. It is exhausting as we often need to make last minute arrangement plans to do with childcare. He also goes out a lot but hates it when I go out. I do not have anxiety and am aware of his controlling abusive ways so I book a sitter and go out anyway. This has led to much bad feeling and has ruined our relationship to some extent but I don’t want to be with him anymore anyway so I don’t care. I know you don’t want to leave him but over time you will probably see that your life could be happier. Being in a relationship like this is probably making you unhappy without you really even knowing it.

Aus84 · 05/08/2019 06:10

OP my DH also suffers from anxiety. Has since he was a child like you. You say your DH isn't supportive of your illness, yet you haven't gotten help? To be honest, if my DH used anxiety as an excuse for certain behaviour without seeking the help he needs to work on that behaviour I wouldn't be very supportive either. He works hard everyday his anxiety and sees a Dr fortnightly. If you recognise that your anxiety is affecting your everyday life, you have to do something about it.

If fairness to you though, your DH shouldn't be getting mad at you for not answering your phone if he isn't going to give you the same courtesy.

Cherrysherbet · 05/08/2019 06:13

Why is he having a shower at 3am?? That’s a tad odd, isn’t it?

Nanny0gg · 05/08/2019 06:38

@Cherrysherbet

OP has explained more than once that she insists on showers before anyone gets into bed.

Vanillelle · 05/08/2019 06:55

I think there are two separate issues here. The first is that your husband is clearly an arsehole - why isn't he doing his share of the housework, and why does he behave in such a controlling manner when you go out? And he cheated on you. These are big red flags. I know you have no plans to leave him, but I think you should consider that these aren't the signs of a respectful and healthy partnership.

The second issue is your anxiety, and I am glad you've said you're going to get help when your kids are back at school. I know it upset you to hear it upthread, but anxiety is a mental illness and it can be debilitating. I speak from personal experience. Until you challenge it properly (in my case with CBT and medicine) you don't realise how much time in your life you spend mitigating it.

Expecting regular updates from your partner while he's out is a symptom of your anxiety. Being so strict about hygiene that your partner has to shower at 3am when he has been out is a sign of anxiety. And your kids are aware of it too - that takes a toll.

There is so much help available, and your life will be revolutionised if you can learn how to manage your anxiety. It won't help with the fact that your husband is a twat, but it will give you a whole new perspective on your life.

Cyberworrier · 05/08/2019 07:25

I think people are being a little harsh about the OP’s reluctance to get help. There is still a huge stigma around mental health and people often worry that they aren’t ‘bad’ enough to merit help. They may also worry that they are just thought to be ‘ridiculous’ or time wasters. It is also frightening on some level to admit you need help. OP from what I know of mental health services, one thing that is really frowned upon is judgement, so you would not be judged. As we know from what the Op has said, a whole can of worms will probably open when she admits to herself and GP/whoever that she is anxious, wrt her relationship that she has evidently been in a long time. Some people find it very hard to imagine themselves in a new situation and if you are stressed and anxious that may be their case. She must have been with her partner since she was very young if oldest child 18. I agree OP needs to get help ASAP but maybe a bit of encouragement and support would be more helpful than words like ridiculous being put in her head.

SummerSix · 05/08/2019 10:07

He's controlling. Hes doing that knowing full well youre not feeling ok and likely panicking.

As hard as it is, don't contact him whilst he is out.