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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

171 replies

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 08:40

It has taken me a lot to start a thread on here.

When he is out of the house he never answers his phone the first time I call him, however he will call back 2-5 hours later and during that time I am filled with worry and anxiety.

He went out yesterday, I called him just after 9pm just to see if he was ok and to ask what time he would be home, as usual he never answered, I called up until 11.30 (not back to back) still no answer, I then called his cousin his cousin said “he is here” and passed the phone to him.

I suffer from anxiety and he knows this, whenever I don’t answer my phone to him which is rare, he will call everyone close to me and her very annoyed with me.

I know that he is probably fine, but I start getting intrusive thought that something has happened to him.

He arrived home around 3am had a shower and thought it was ok to put his cold hand on my back then get into bed like nothing has happened.

Guys I just can’t cope with this nonsense anymore, we are both getting of age now even though we something act like we are our early 20s I’m 38 and he is 39.

Please tell me I’m not being over dramatic.

OP posts:

anothernamechange123 · 04/08/2019 09:42

OP I totally identify. I have awful anxiety and feel exactly the same when my dh is out
Yanbu
My doctor gave me beta blockers which do help a lot

Isatis · 04/08/2019 09:45

Where does he go to when he goes out? The most charitable interpretation is that he does it to avoid helping with the kids, which isn't acceptable.

cansu · 04/08/2019 09:45

v odd both of you. Why is he out every night? Why do you ring him to check he is OK? Is it because you think he is having an affair? The rule about having to shower before getting into bed is also v odd. I think that you sitting at home wondering where he is is very bad for you. He should tell you what he is doing and what time you should expect him back. You should also have time to go out and relax. He should be taking care of the children.

Original poster

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 09:47

user1493413286 : He just doesn’t like me being out for long, I like to do the food shopping alone or just with one boy.

He will call to ask if I am there yet, then will call to see if I’m on my way home.

If I am going out with a friend, he will ask to for my friends number. We live in Central London and that’s where I tend to meet up with my friend(s) I don’t like taking public transport because I do get anxious, but I still choose to take it because it makes me feel good within myself (like an achievement) as silly as it may sound. But he insists that his cab driver picks me up and collects me, which leads into a small argument.

He claims he is doing this for “safety reasons” I think I’m older and more than capable of taking a train by myself and coming home.

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/08/2019 09:47

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy relationship for either of you at the moment. To be honest, I think getting calls all the time when I was out would annoy me - but, if I knew it was making my partner feel worse when I didn’t answer, I’d address the issue rather than refusing to answer to make a point.

Some people have suggested you are being controlling, but I’d say deliberately ignoring your calls is controlling too. I think you need a serious talk about expectations on both sides.

SusieOwl4 · 04/08/2019 09:49

its not necessary to be checking up on someone all evening . But its definitely not normal for a father of 4 to be out all the time . Its very selfish . Why should you cope with the children all on your own? You might as well be single and probably less stressed that you have one less child to think about.

Cherrysoup · 04/08/2019 09:49

He's out 6/7 nights?
He rings you if you're out to ensure you're not out too long yet doesn't answer when you call him?
He doesn't help with your 4 DC?

What the hell are you doing with him?

CalamityJune · 04/08/2019 09:52

You both have issues that need dealing with I think. It's not normal to need this level of reassurance every time one of you goes out.

BuckingFrolics · 04/08/2019 09:53

I'm with Cherrysoup on this. I

Original poster

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 09:54

SusieOwl4 : Thank you, it is as if he doesn’t understand that he needs to also help out with the boys.

I do everything in the house, and it does get very tiring, I was washing and ironing clothes at 5am this morning.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 04/08/2019 09:57

The issue is your anxiety. Why are you imagining something is wrong when he is out? Do you call hm at work too? He probably needs his freedom when he is out and it must be annoying to constantly having to check your phone to see your partner has called because they need to be reassured tsht they are not dead/cheating/at the police station etc...

The more he comp lies to your need, the worse it will get because you'll the start worrying ieven more if he does miss one call. It is not nice to be constantly on the alert, its the antipod of relaxing, which I assume he goes out to do.

You need to consider why you are assuming the worse when he goes out and constantly need reassurance that he is OK.

MollyButton · 04/08/2019 09:58

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

Basically he can just disappear and not contact you for hours - and gives you no idea of where he's going and when he'll be back. both quite normal things for people to tell their partner.
But you can't even go to the Supermarket without him texting you etc, and you are supposed to reply immediately. And the thing about the Cab sounds even more controlling - he is undermining your attempts to overcome your anxiety.
I wonder if he does other things to heighten your anxiety and undermine any improvements you make?

I would really suggest that you get rid of him if you can. Do reach out and get support, maybe Women's Aid?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 04/08/2019 10:05

It's not healthy for both of you to constantly need reassurance and updates.
If he doesn't contribute around the house and with raising his children, what redeeming qualities does he have?

Letseatgrandma · 04/08/2019 10:05

He goes out for an evening and you ring him at 9 o’clock to see if he’s ok? Why wouldn’t he be ok? You then keep calling him till 11.30 when he doesn’t answer.

This could be extremely controlling of you. You say you have anxiety, though you don’t see anyone for this. Have you seen the GP? If you say it’s anxiety does that make it not controlling any more?

You go out in London and hate public transport so he insists you get a cab. That could be controlling or it could be him genuinely trying to reduce your anxiety by sorting out your lift home in advance.

Your behaviour-both of you-is very unusual. I’d get to the GP and try to talk it through.

SlowDown76mph · 04/08/2019 10:06

He sounds rather ... controlling. He chooses not to respond to you when he is out. He requires you to respond to him when you are out. This isn't normal or healthy. Seek help.

RedWoollyHat · 04/08/2019 10:22

It's really difficult to know what is going on here. It sounds like there's a lot more than just the phone issue. I have quite severe anxiety and the thing I find living with it is that it is really difficult to trust my own judgment. I always think, "is this just my anxiety making me think this? Would a 'normal' person think this?"Increasingly though I realise actually not everything is down to my anxiety and there are other issues going on. Without going into it all, I'm in a relationship where I'm starting to think that my partner is comfortable with me being in this "anxious state". I've been slowly recovering (through a combination of counselling and meds) and I've noticed that the more things I start to do, the more I get out and about, etc... the more threatened my partner seems to feel, which isn't right or healthy. I might be way off here and just projecting, but these are the kind of issues you might want to think about? It sounds like there are elements of that with your DH not wanting you to be out for long periods of time, etc...

Mythreefavouritethings · 04/08/2019 10:26

I think you need to prioritise dealing with your anxiety. This may help you to open your eyes to other issues, but they will probably feel too much all the while you are suffering with the anxiety. Reassurance-seeking is a common safety behaviour but you’ve effectively switched it from phoning him several times to asking us to provide it. Please get some help OP. As I say, you can maybe then start to deal with other problems.

Lllot5 · 04/08/2019 10:32

I remember when we didn’t have mobile phones. Life was much easier.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 10:34

So, you're not interested in taking action to deal with your anxiety? You've ignored anybody who has made suggestions.

Feeling proud of yourself for achieving things in the face of anxiety (public transport) isn't silly. It does show you have it within you to make even bigger strides if you sought help.

wafflyversatile · 04/08/2019 10:38

This doesn't sound great from either side. I think you could with more than a thread on here. Can you go get some talking therapy and cbt? For yourself and if the therapist thinks it's a good idea for you as a couple.

Original poster

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 10:42

cottonwoolsnowmen I do want to get help for my anxiety and I have made appointments but I can never get up the courage to go.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 04/08/2019 10:49

He sounds like a knobhead to me.

SunshineCake · 04/08/2019 11:00

I think your anxiety would lessen to a huge degree if you got out of this bad marriage.

Original poster

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 11:26

SunshineCake I have no plans on ending our relationship.

Lllot5 Oh yes I remember those days.

I am feeling ok for now, but I shouldn’t have to worry about the next time DH does this again and it’s so hard for me to talk to him about it.

I don’t want to be told that I need to relax, I am going to go for a walk with my youngest two soon, hopefully that will do me some good.

OP posts:

Cyberworrier · 04/08/2019 11:44

I don’t think you need to relax, there are real reasons you are stressed and anxious. Your husband is out all the time, you do all the chores and work, from 5am for gods sake. This isn’t fair. He doesn’t sound like a good husband from these facts alone. Have you got children? Do you think this is a healthy model for them to see? Relationship counselling if you are adamant you want to stay together. I do wonder why you do, however (as I think you deserve to be treated better), and I also question whether he will be prepared to put the time and energy into working on the relationship.

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