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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

171 replies

18YearsAMummy · 04/08/2019 08:40

It has taken me a lot to start a thread on here.

When he is out of the house he never answers his phone the first time I call him, however he will call back 2-5 hours later and during that time I am filled with worry and anxiety.

He went out yesterday, I called him just after 9pm just to see if he was ok and to ask what time he would be home, as usual he never answered, I called up until 11.30 (not back to back) still no answer, I then called his cousin his cousin said “he is here” and passed the phone to him.

I suffer from anxiety and he knows this, whenever I don’t answer my phone to him which is rare, he will call everyone close to me and her very annoyed with me.

I know that he is probably fine, but I start getting intrusive thought that something has happened to him.

He arrived home around 3am had a shower and thought it was ok to put his cold hand on my back then get into bed like nothing has happened.

Guys I just can’t cope with this nonsense anymore, we are both getting of age now even though we something act like we are our early 20s I’m 38 and he is 39.

Please tell me I’m not being over dramatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 10:38

Vanillelle I just think he doesn’t think he needs to help out with the house work and children. He claims that he is doing it for my own safety (in regards of me going out) and that he cares about me, and he wouldn’t want nothing to happen whilst on my way to wherever I’m going... Yeah whatever!!

My anxiety is gets bad when he comes to cleaning, I really can’t stand any kind of mess or dirt.

Cyberworrier Thank you Flowers and thanks for being so understanding.

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 05/08/2019 11:02

So he cheats, does fuck all round the house, goes out every night bar one, is controlling, doesn't like OP going out, does fuck all with the kids and OP is the one with issues?!

I bet your anxiety would miraculously disappear if you fucked him off

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 13:02

PutyourtoponTrevor Thank you for not saying I’m the problem, I am a very good wife I do everything for him.

And the worst thing is we are going to Dubai in 9 days, last time we went on holiday him and our 18 year old went missing, he just doesn’t understand that if we go somewhere as a family we must all stay together, there’s no going and looking in other shops or wandering around.

I just hope it runs smoothly!

OP posts:
Stickytoffeepuddingyum · 05/08/2019 13:14

you seem equally as controlling as him.

Him phoning to see how long you'll be etc. is not acceptable but you seem to have a lot of rules, you must shower before bed regardless of time.

Why on holiday can you not go to different shops, why must you stay together all the time. Its all so unhealthy.

LordNibbler · 05/08/2019 13:14

he just doesn’t understand that if we go somewhere as a family we must all stay together, there’s no going and looking in other shops or wandering around. Why? Is it just me that thinks this is weird?

PixieLumos · 05/08/2019 13:25

You’re both pretty unreasonable in my opinion - what’s the big deal with not answering the phone straight away if you’re busy? And going to a shop on your own?? I’m sorry to hear you’ve always suffered with anxiety, but it’s not fair to expect others to tip toe around you because of this and be on call 24/7 when you know you’re not being rational. Him getting annoyed with you for not answering is just as bizarre as you getting annoyed with him. You both sound like hard work tbh

Benes · 05/08/2019 13:28

he just doesn’t understand that if we go somewhere as a family we must all stay together, there’s no going and looking in other shops or wandering around

That's a little odd. It's perfectly acceptable for people to want to do their own thing at some point. I love going for a wander on my own when I visit new places.

Benes · 05/08/2019 13:29

You both sound very controlling but he is also lazy and taking the piss.

Isatis · 05/08/2019 13:38

he just doesn’t understand that if we go somewhere as a family we must all stay together, there’s no going and looking in other shops or wandering around

To be honest, I wouldn't understand that either. I can't imagine anything more miserable than flogging round the shops either being dragged to the ones that bore me senseless, or having a resentful family moaning about how long I'm taking in the shops I want to look at.

NoSquirrels · 05/08/2019 13:49

last time we went on holiday him and our 18 year old went missing,

How long were they “missing” for? They’re both adults and they were together. Annoying if you hadn’t discussed it but hardly terrible.

he just doesn’t understand that if we go somewhere as a family we must all stay together, there’s no going and looking in other shops or wandering around.

I find this annoying. My DH is a tiny bit like it about doing it all together and never splitting up to do our own thing, but only a tiny bit. If it gets annoying I tell him and he stops.

You sound anxious about lots of things - dirt/cleanliness, people being missing etc. On the other hand your DP sounds like an arse. You both need to work at better communication and not being so controlling about the other person.

Howyiz · 05/08/2019 13:53

So he only works three days a week but doesn't help out with your children at all.
He goes out every day/night apart from Sunday.

I hate to be blunt but your husband doesn't like you, he doesn't want to spend time with you and he gets a twisted satisfaction from upsetting you.
He doesn't sound like he likes his kids much either since anytime he has them he is ringing you to come back in the quickest way possible.
You, on the other hand really do need help with your anxiety, it is not normal to think everyone should stay together ALL THE TIME on a family holiday! As others have already said, your anxiety would probably be a lot less if you got rid of your husband.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 14:34

How long were they “missing” for? They’re both adults and they were together. Annoying if you hadn’t discussed it but hardly terrible

I am glad that you think that kind of behaviour is annoying, I would not mind if they told me they were going to browse in other shops.

I hate to be blunt but your husband doesn't like you, he doesn't want to spend time with you and he gets a twisted satisfaction from upsetting you. He doesn't sound like he likes his kids much either since anytime he has them he is ringing you to come back in the quickest way possible.

Can you please think before you write something next time? I know you are not trying to intensionally upset me, but I don’t know why you would think he doesn’t like me or the kids, if he didn’t love me and our first child he wouldn’t have ask for more children, he has asked for one more which will NOT be happening.

He loves our kids, he always tells them he loves them.

OP posts:
CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 05/08/2019 14:49

Can you please think before you write something next time? I know you are not trying to intensionally upset me, but I don’t know why you would think he doesn’t like me or the kids, if he didn’t love me and our first child he wouldn’t have ask for more children, he has asked for one more which will NOT be happening.

He loves our kids, he always tells them he loves them.

Actions speak louder than words though, how much time does he spend with them? Or with you?

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 05/08/2019 14:52

@Benes Mon 05-Aug-19 13:28:34
he just doesn’t understand that if we go somewhere as a family we must all stay together, there’s no going and looking in other shops or wandering around

That's a little odd. It's perfectly acceptable for people to want to do their own thing at some point. I love going for a wander on my own when I visit new places.

Do you tell who you are with that you are going off though? I'm with OP on this one. You can't be in the middle of a bazaar or something and then walk off without telling anyone you are going.

Mintjulia · 05/08/2019 15:01

In the evenings, I think that’s ok. But I had an ex who used to call me during working hours for things like what’s for supper or shall we go to the pub.

He couldn’t understand that if I’m at work, I’m busy, usually flat out and I need to concentrate. I stopped ringing back because it was just needless.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 15:34

Do you tell who you are with that you are going off though? I'm with OP on this one. You can't be in the middle of a bazaar or something and then walk off without telling anyone you are going

Yes exactly, thanks for agreeing with me. We stopped going food shopping a few years ago due to the same problem of him wandering off.

OP posts:
Yourostar · 05/08/2019 15:35

The more children you have, the more you're chained to the domestic tasks & to your anxiety, the more he can control you.

Asking for more children when you don't do your share with the ones you have is not love.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 15:37

CensorshipHereIsAJoke

Just because a person doesn’t spend time with someone it doesn’t mean that they don’t like/love them.

DH tells me he loves me, and he always tells me he will be back.

OP posts:
Benes · 05/08/2019 15:42

No you shouldn't walk off without telling people you are with....that is wrong obviously but it is perfectly normal to not spend 24/7 together while on holiday.

You say he tells you and the children he loves you but words are easy. You should judge people by their actions. He might say he loves you but he doesn't show it.

Howyiz · 05/08/2019 16:08

@18YearsAMummy I did think before I wrote my post.
Actions are what you need to pay attention to not words. It is blatantly obvious that your husband is a complete dickhead and you are too ground down to notice.
How old are your other kids? Can you take some time when they are back in school to get some therapy for yourself?

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 20:20

7, 9, 12 and soon to be 19 and yes I will be taking the time to get help once the holidays are over.

OP posts:
Motoko · 05/08/2019 21:15

Hey OP, I love you.

See, words are easy to say. Of course he's going to tell you what you want to hear, otherwise you'd leave him.

As pps, say, it's his actions you should be taking note of, not his lies.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 05/08/2019 21:35

Op, he is controlling. You have clearly got a range of mental health issues, your need to control situations is the manifestation of this.
His lack of help to you is a huge sign of disrespect, as is the phone issue.
Your understanding of normal is seriously skewed.
Him going out that often is not normal.

You are bad for each other and teaching your boys to disrespect women.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 05/08/2019 21:45

Oh and wanting more children with you doesn't reflect love, it reflects subjugation and control. More to keep you in line and too busy/financially dependent on him to look elsewhere.

Mind you, live in Central London, he works three days a week, you don't work and you're holidaying in Dubai as a family of 6?

Either your lying out of your arse, he's dodgy as fuck, or you've been helluva lucky with inheritance.

Original poster
18YearsAMummy · 05/08/2019 22:04

Putyourdamnshoeson Yes I know his lack of help is a disrespect. He is so hard to talk to about these things, hopefully you understand.

Why would I lie? I have come here with the truth, whatever I have been asked I have answered, I have actually let out more than I intended to.

I didn’t think it was usual for a family to take a trip during the summer holidays? I do not know why you are suggesting those things.

OP posts: