To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

[shonapops]

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

Not really up to her to look after your son is it? He goes to his dad’s to see his dad.
If there are no holidays left you will both have to pay for child care.

@Hooferdoofer37 you seem to be missing the point that the SM is caring for the child and hasn't said she wont. OP is just moaning about how this caring is done. And if the dad should not be having a week holiday with out his son as he needs to provide 7 weeks care then presumably SM can refuse to help out when it is OPs turn to provide that 7 weeks. That isn't what is happening is it. OP is asking SM to have the child whilst OP is at work which presumably saves OP a considerable amount of child care costs.

@InTheHeatofLisbon the OP hasn't got any annual leave left either so your argument is the same for her.

You seem to have misunderstood my point, which was that mothers & fathers should have equal responsibility for covering childcare during school holidays.

At the start of the year the OP & her ex should have said "there are 14 weeks school holidays, we'll each cover 7."

Whether the parent then covered those 7 weeks by themselves, or with the help of a SP, GP, neighbour, friend or by paid childcare it doesn't matter.

What has happened is the OP has used up all her annual leave on childcare. The father has used up most of his, kept a week back for himself and said "the rest is not my problem to resolve."

The OP asked if the ex's wife could help, bearing in mind he's only covered 4 of the 7 of "his" weeks and he said no. Neither has he offered any other solution, or money for childcare.

It definitely should have been sorted before it got to this crunch point, but it is the responsibility of both parents to resolve, not just the OPs.

You seem to have misunderstood my point, which was that mothers & fathers should have equal responsibility for covering childcare during school holidays.

Yes, they should. So OP expecting the SM to cover her days isn't on (as per short notice to make OPs life easier).

I've repeatedly said both OP and the ex should pay for childcare between them. In pretty much every post.

What neither should do, is be shitty about the woman who is just dumped with an extra kid because neither OP nor her ex can be bothered to sort their own shit out!!!!

OP then slating the SM for not pandering to the demands of a 5 yo and getting ratty because he'd been told off for being too rough with a baby was really shit too.

She's good enough to dump her kid on when it suits OP, but she can bitch and undermine her to her child when it suits too?

Fuck that.

OP and ex need to sort this out and leave the SM out of it.

@Hooferdoofer37 I don't think that's what you said. You said the minimum that the father should be covering is seven weeks, so even if there are almost 14 weeks of holiday, you are expecting him to cover at least half as a minimum. And you don't know the circumstances of the arrangements between the parents here. We have DSS half the holidays because that's the arrangement between DH and his ex wife, so we naturally cover half the holidays because that's our problem to sort out. You don't know what OP has agreed with her ex around who is responsible. I would expect though that if his arrangement is not to have half the holidays he is then contributing to the his son's care financially. Not specifically for holiday cover but in general, for care during term time too.

This poor woman is probably being backed in to a corner by everyone when it comes to looking after the op’s son. She probably knows if she says no she will get a load of backlash from the op about apparently not liking him or something, and probably her husband too who will be trying to keep the peace with the op. It’s quite easy for men to conveniently use their partners as childcare, and it’s just as easy for someone in the op’s shoes to use their ex’s wife too. It’s wrong and unfair.

She will most likely appreciate at least one school holiday where she isn’t expected to look after him. She has enough on her plate and one less tornado will really make a difference. Holiday clubs exist for a reason and they should be used instead of sending him to an already probably exhausted stepmum. Stop being a martyr and expecting her to step up just because she’s in a relationship with your ex, and arrange appropriate childcare for the child you and your ex created together. It’s not her responsibility!

If she wants to look after him , great. If she doesn’t, then it really is tough.

When she does have him, she’s also picked apart for what she does or doesn’t do when he’s in her care.
....
“Oh, you didn’t make his favourite lunch”
“Oh, you didn’t let him play with bubbles”
“Oh, you made him flush the toilet”
“Oh, you didn’t take him on a fun day out”
“Oh, you told him off for being rough with the baby”
“Oh, you told him to quieten down”

If you want her look after him, you need to stop dictating what she should be doing. Especially the days out thing. Why should she put herself out like that with 5 children, one with SN and a baby, just to pander to you and your son????

Even if the ex takes a week off now to look after his son.
Who's going to have him full time for the rest of the holidays of the year if all annual leave is used up? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Holiday club. Mum and dad will just have to pay for it.

You seem to have misunderstood my point, which was that mothers & fathers should have equal responsibility for covering childcare during school holidays.

Entirely depends what the contact and child support arrangements are.

Sounds like why my stepdaughters mother says about me.

When in reality SD has two parents and neither of those parents are me, I have my own children and yes I do put them first.

Your son has two parents his care is up to you and his dad, she is not your free childcare.

Can they all fit in the car? I know when mum SD is here we can’t all fit in ours so we often stay home or stay close to home.

Can she cope with all four on her own if one of them is a baby? I can’t manage them all very well as SD doesn’t listen to a word I say. Is your son listening? Is he being well behaved?

With all due respect if she’s having to tell him to behave and not be so rough with the baby it sounds like he’s not behaving very well.

I think you are expecting far too much from a woman who owes you nothing.

I'm glad there seems to be plenty of people pointing out how U the OP is being. Makes a pleasant change from how Step-parent threads go on MN. Still bemused that people think it is okay to expect the DH to spend all his annual leave on one of his children and have no time with his wife and other children. Then again it seems that many on MN think that second families don't matter.

Here's what I'd do:

Send a text apologising for DS being rough with the baby, buy him a doll and teach him how to hold babies.

Buy step mum a fuck off huge bunch of flowers for being your unpaid childminder. When are you going to look after her children to help her out?

She owes you absolutely dick all. You're totally mugging her off.

Telling him off for being rough with the baby is totally fair, I'm sure she tells off her own if they're rough with the baby!

Making a mess what sort of mess? At 5 I'd expect him to tidy up after himself and not give her extra work to do.

She sounds stressed, maybe a lively 5 year old is too much on top of a baby to care for. He's not her own and she can't train him to behave the same as her own as he doesn't live there. I think you need to teach him to be calm and play quietly while the baby is small, to be helpful, to eat what she cooks or fix himself a snack if he dislikes it. And ask his dad to step up and play with him, or take him out, rather than burden her with extra work.

I don't think it's unreasonable they want a week away with their own 3.

Do you ever offer to look after her kids or babysit so she has a break too?

I'd have an honest chat with her, find out if she's struggling because of the baby/PND/problems you're unaware of or because your son is misbehaving. Your son may be more than she can handle right now if he's going through a tornado phase!

OP your DS is used to being an only child when he's with you so of course you're going to give him what he wants all the time regarding food etc however it's not like that when there's more than one.

I wouldn't have made him different food either, growing up there was four of us so obviously it was difficult and my DM always said you like it or lump it and that is what's happened.

There's no point me going over what everyone else has said. YABU, there's nothing in your OP that makes it sound like she doesn't like him.

OP your DS is used to being an only child when he's with you so of course you're going to give him what he wants all the time regarding food etc

And now we start with the single child bashing... Single children do not exist in a vacuum, they are used to have a lot of children around, share stuff and wait for their turn, just like any child that goes to school.

If you think for a moment that a woman raising a single child on her own drops everything to do as the little prince wishes straight away, you have not been a single parent. They learn to wait because there is only a single pair of hands running and financing that house.

Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare.

YABU - ds goes to his Dad to spend time with his Dad, not his Dad's partner.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby.

But you call him 'extremely messy' and hasn't been around babies much. So he probably does need to be told off for being messy and rough?

I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds.

So they had plans. You were asking last minute and she couldn't accommodate. That's not being unreasonable.

On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days.

Have you ever taken her kids out (with yours) for the day? I'd love to know how easy (or not) you found it.

I know you're under no obligation to take her kids out, but she's also under no obligation to take yours out (although your ex is...).

@TanMateix that wasn't single child bashing. It's just how it is. Of course if you have only one child he'll be given what he wants. It's completely different with four children, some kids are fussy, some like somethings which others don't like.

It's just the way it is, I wasn't having a go at the OP or saying that it was wrong. I also never said he gets what he wants straight away but it's pretty obvious that the more children there are the bigger chance there is that they might not fancy it or not want it.

It’s up to the OP to arrange childcare for her child, if she’s working, not the ex or his wife. He has other children and his wife to consider too

The child has two working parents who have an equal responsibility to ensure he is cared for during the holidays. The OP is a single parent and as such her income will be important to maintaining her son’s standard of living, just as much as the income his father earns is important in sustaining that household.

You say your child is very messy and expects people to cook something different for him if he doesn't like what's on offer. Maybe if you educated him out of both of those traits he would enjoy his time with his stepmother more

Or maybe the father could take some responsibility for educating his child when in his household?

He's taken 3 weeks out of 5 to look after his son, I think that's enough

Both the OP and her ex work. There is a minimum of 13 weeks a year to cover. Why does the ex only have to bother about 3 weeks and the OP 10 weeks? Presumably she too has 5 weeks holiday and bills to pay.

AND if DH doesn’t like the lunch there, you need to provide one

Or maybe the child’s father could ensure that a decent meal is provided? Particularly as the child is in his care.

The fact you even mentioned that he didn't like his lunch and suggesting you expected her to make him a different lunch says that he is a spoilt brat and you pander to him

ODFOD. Maybe she gave the child something he genuinely doesn’t like? I personally don’t feed my children something I know they don’t like because that would be deliberately making them go hungry. Fuck all to do with being spoilt. When was
the last time you made yourself a meal you didn’t like?

Oh sweet misogyny. Alive and well on mumsnet. Children are a mother’s responsibility only. What utter shite.

Unless I have missed it the OP hasn't said the dad has refused to pay for any childcare during the holidays. As far as I can tell he has taken off the weeks OP told him to so no negotiations. There has been no mention of anybody paying for holiday clubs or organised childcare as it is covered by SM and some friends of OP. And as his wife is providing childcare it sounds like he has covered his share so why not have a week to do something with his wife and 3 kids if this is the case.

Ultimately, she's giving you and your ex free childcare. If you don't how she does it, you'll have to find childcare somewhere else.

Oh and poor love of a man deserves a week’s holiday with his wife and family. OP on the other hand has to cover 10 out of 13 weeks school holiday with her annual leave. I wonder when she is going to get a week’s deserved holiday with friends, family or new partner?

This woman is doing you and your ex a massive favour and you can't even see it.

Would you have happy to return the favour and have all her children as well as your own, one, DS? Maybe you could take them on a nice day out?

Both the OP and her ex work. There is a minimum of 13 weeks a year to cover. Why does the ex only have to bother about 3 weeks and the OP 10 weeks? Presumably she too has 5 weeks holiday and bills to pay.

The vast majority of posters have said OP and her ex should pay for childcare

Or maybe the child’s father could ensure that a decent meal is provided? Particularly as the child is in his care.

Only he's not is he? He's in the care of a woman who isn't his biological parent and is being attacked by the boy's mother (who is happy to utilise free childcare) for not doing exactly what she wants.

Maybe she gave the child something he genuinely doesn’t like?

How can you attack someone for theorising and then do exactly the same? Good grief.

Oh sweet misogyny. Alive and well on mumsnet. Children are a mother’s responsibility only. What utter shite.

ODFOD. Most posters have said it's up to OP and her ex to pay for childcare, pretty much everyone has agreed that OP was being very unfair towards the SM by slating her and using her in the same breath.

It's not misogyny and trying to pretend it is is fucking ludicrous.

Unless you're insinuating that OP is a misogynist? Because she's the one attacking the SM.

She's got a better co parent than many, and still isn't happy because her last minute request (not exactly putting the child first is it?) was turned down once by the SM. Oh and because her 5 yo came home telling tales which of course must be absolute gospel.

Yabu, ringing at the last minute to suggest they have your son overnight is not on. They are allowed to have plans too and if you have not arranged it prior I would have said no too.

Why should she take out your kid with all of hers? Your ex should but why should she? On her own with several kids, one with sn, a baby and a 'challenging' toddler? I imagine that wouldn't exactly be easy for her to manage on her own. If you want your ds to go out with them as a family more you should speak to ex about it and maybe going forward they could arrange to take all the kids on days out however it shouldn't be left for her to do on her own.

Your ex seems more reasonable than most and has met almost all of your requests in terms of taking leave to do childcare ( as he should) but they are entitled to some time together. You should arrange something for the summer holidays for your son ( appreciate it is easier said than done) but it's not like you didn't know summer holidays were coming up.

If she is good enough to be used as free childcare then she should also be allowed to tell your kids off if he is being naughty too. If that is a problem for you you really should sort out your own childcare. If he is unhappy you should speak to his dad but I would think about whether you want to alienate someone who really is helping you out. Also kids lie and can exaggerate, has your son being playing up since the baby was born? ' Not really being naughty' is objective I think my ds is being naughty when he chucks toys all over the house but my dh thinks it is just what kids do. So things might not be as bad as you think.

Oh and poor love of a man deserves a week’s holiday with his wife and family. OP on the other hand has to cover 10 out of 13 weeks school holiday with her annual leave. I wonder when she is going to get a week’s deserved holiday with friends, family or new partner?

Why can't they both pay for childcare? As suggested, numerous times on the thread.