To think ex's wife doesn't like my son!

[shonapops]

She's been in ds life since he was about 18 months old. As soon as I felt comfortable with her being round ds I thought she was really nice. Ds enjoyed time with her and it meant my ex could spend more time with ds as she could help with childcare. Ds was always happy around her. Now he is 5 and it's changed.

She's looked after ds a couple of days over summer and he's come home saying he hasn't enjoyed himself and she keeps telling him off.

Now I know ds is hard work, but aren't all 5 year olds? I call him a tornado but all he's friends are the same. And her dcs are abit older too so I'm sure she knows.

I ask ds if she tells off any of her own dcs - she has 3 but one is a baby and he says no. He's the only one that gets told off. The eldest one has special needs so I know that it's probably different with her telling him off.

I asked ds what he is being told off for and it's because he's made a mess or is being too rough with the baby. He also didn't like the lunch she made but said she wouldn't make anything else for him. I know it must be hard having 4 kids in the house but I'm a bit concerned my ds is being treated unfairly! He's not being really naughty and he's coming home saying he's been bored all day and not had fun at all and just been shouted at.

Also....ds just went around for tea the other night and I was supposed to collect him later. I rang my ex to suggest ds could sleep there to spend more time with my ex and I would collect ds the next day after work. My ex told me he couldn't sleep as his wife had plans - a day out somewhere - and wasn't willing to take ds. On the days she has ds, they just seem to be stuck at home and she takes her own dcs out on seperate days. It would be nice for my ds to be included more! I really feel she just doesn't like him. He should be included in the family.

I do appreciate everything she does and I know she must have her hands full but I just feel ds is being treated unfairly and I don't know what to do about it! Shall I say something to my ex? Don't really want any friction.

I've used all my holidays up so I'm struggling for childcare this summer hols. My ex has also used his up over Easter and half terms. I know he has to take some holidays over Christmas too which doesn't leave him with any. But he has told me he has a week left which I've asked if he could use over the days I'm struggling with in summer but he's told me no as he's saving them to have a week away with his wife which has annoyed me also. I need his help!

She is looking after ds one day next week and he's telling me he doesn't want to go but I have no one else to look after him. I've suggested he be a good boy and really try hard while he is there and then maybe he will get a treat?

What shall I say to my ex if anything? I like his wife and yes I know she helps out so much. I do appreciate it and am thankful. But ds is just not happy.

The wife has 3 children, one of whom has special needs and one a baby, and you expect her to look after your ‘tornado’. You have got to be kidding. Give the women a break!!!!

Wow OP! You are a CF!

@shonapops How about you do her a favour, for once, and offer to have her 3 children while her and ex have a day together? Maybe then you may see how difficult it is. And sorry but your son sounds very badly behaved. The fact you even mentioned that he didn't like his lunch and suggesting you expected her to make him a different lunch says that he is a spoilt brat and you pander to him. He either eats what is in front of him, or he goes hungry. End of story. That is the way it was for our generation growing up, and the ones before us. If my son whinged because his step mum wouldn't make him something else for lunch, he'd get a bloody earful from me, I can tell you. He'd be set straight to appreciate whatever was given to him. Most 5 year olds are not tornadoes unless their mother can't be arsed to discipline and guide her child properly. If my son whinged to me like that, especially about expecting a different lunch made for him, he bloody well wouldn't whinge to me ever again like that! He'd be set straight and made to feel ashamed for whingeing.

You seem extreme self-absorbed and inept at parenting, so much so that your exe's wife has to parent your son to raise him properly as he is not getting it from you. His SM sounds like a thoughtful, mature person who is trying to do the job that you seem totally incapable of doing. Ordinarily I would suggest you give up custody to your ex and his wife as it sounds they are prepared to put the discipline in to raise him right. However they already have 3 kids, and your lack of ability to parent is not their responsibility. I am utterly astounded at your selfishness, your brass neck, and your complete lack of self awareness.

@pregnantandsuffering as you can see I was replying to @Hooferdoofer37’s post where she had implied it was the dad and SM’s issue to sort together. I changed it and removed any reference of the SM because it’s fuck all to do with her how the OP and her ex sort childcare for their child.
Also school holidays are actually closer to 14 weeks, not 13 (not that it’s relevant the exact amount as it varies).
The implication of Hoofer’s post was that both the SM & dad were responsible for covering half of the holidays... nope, only the dad is responsible and any days the SM offers is a favour and not to be demanded.
That is the point I was making which you clearly missed.

@shonapops You admit your son is a handful, yet you think that exh’s dw should take him, her sn child, another child and a baby for days out! How stretched do you think she can be?

Why not take up pp’s suggestion that you take her 3 children out for the day, to give her a break, if you think it is sooo easy? That way you will see what it is like to take all 4 children out! Surely this would help in ds’s bonding with his step and half siblings that is so important to you? Doubt this would happen more than once though, when you realise how difficult it is. Though, going by your op, it seems her children are much better behaved than your ds!

I think she deserves her one week’s holiday with her dh. You are being very unfair to think that your exh should use all five of his holiday weeks for one of his children and forget about his dw and the other children!

Gosh.. my ex husband has had our ds zero extra this holidays! I asked him which week/s he wanted, he told me he had no annual leave left, and that was that. Now I’m not working just now, but I know if I was then it wouldn’t be any different. He just sees it as ds lives with me, so it’s down to me. And it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask his fiancée for childcare. So all to say I think you’ve had more from them than many of us do, and in future you’d maybe be better looking for professional childcare.

can anyone link to the other thread please, i cant find it

its linked up thread dillusion

@TheChain I clearly missed your point, apologies. I thought you were replying to a different post but I must have misread the trail as it looked like you were saying he was responsible. I'm sorry for getting it wrong, I certainly didn't mean to offend you I was genuinely curious about why this would be the minimum expectation. As I still am.

I'll direct my question to @Hooferdoofer37 about why the dad should be responsible for over half the school holidays.

incrediblysadtoo

So step mum has loaded the four children into the car, not forgetting the pram for the baby, the changing bag , the drinks, the snacks, the picnic, the football, the change of clothes, the jackets in case it gets chilly etc etc. Now they can all set off for a lovely family day out.

Except, hold on a cotton picking minute, where's wally, I mean, where's dad? Is he going to run alongside the car, catch the bus, ride his bike, or perhaps he's not going to go on this fun day out at all and lucky old SM can cope on her own with the baby, the special needs child, the other child and the tornado?

Yes, your maths is right, you can fit four children and an adult into a five seater car , [always assuming the eldest child is big enough to sit in the front passenger seat] but when you actually need six seats, ah, that's when it gets tricky.

The five year old and the baby will need to be in car seats. Don't know the ages of the other kids but if any of them need car seats then they can't go in the car together. There are few cars which can fit 3 car seats in the back.

You need to be careful about the way you discuss your ex's wife with your tornado too -

when he says she wouldn't make an extra meal you should be BACKING her and explaining that she has gone to a lot of effort for all of them and that he will eat what he's given.

• when you're asking about how his time went you need to avoid asking leading questions about whether any of the other children were told off. Instead you should be asking why he was told off - and from what you've described you should be backing the stepmother and explaining why he should behave. By asking leading questions you have clearly shown him that you will be sympathetic to him regardless.

Ok, just to put some well needed perspective about the realities of holidays and separate parenting:

There is an understanding of what good permits should do, which is considerably different to what they are “forced” to do.

1. Ideally both parents should be contributing equally to childcare costs. REALITY: You cannot legally expect them to contribute a penny more than the calculated CMS maintenance.

2. You can decide when contact is going to take place and even formalise that agreement with a court order. REALITY: That order protects the days you want to have contact with your kid, but there is no power on Earth to force an uninterested parent to keep the contact in place, if s/he doesn’t want it or doesn’t want more of it, no matter the circumstances, there’s NOTHING you can do to change that.

So the bottom line is that an efficient parenting after a split depends absolutely on good will, consideration, good communication and a good degree of diplomatic skills. If you screw up that balance, everyone suffers from the children to the new partners, but primarily... the children.

Permits? Parents.

I'm sure I'm just repeating what has been said but if she has 3 children (1 who is a baby and another who has additional needs) then of course she cannot handle your 5yo - who you describe as a tornado so I assume he's a fucking nightmare as well. I actually cannot believe you would expect her to?

For a start, your ds being bored is something that he will ha e to learn to a cept during the holidays. You can't entertained kids every day for 6 weeks. You wouldn't do it. He needs to learn to occupy himself withoit being disturbing.

As for her taking her kids out without your boy, tshts totally normal. When your son is there, she can't give her kids all her attention, so it is fair she would want to have a special day with just them. It's much harder to look after a child who isn't yours, for a start because they go home to their mum and tells e erything that has happened with things being misinterpreted.

Finally, why can't you and your ex agree on your boy going to some holiday club for some days. Most kids whose parents working FT do exactly that. Yes it cost money but thats why you budget for it. If she doesn't work and is fully supported by your ex, then it is fair she should help looking after your boy during his time with him, but you can't expect her to treat him like she is running a daycare centre.

And no, not all 5 years old are tornadoes and it's a strange thing to say that it is normal because all are.

This woman is doing you and your ex lots and lots of favours, and yet you’re still prepared to take a 5 year old telling you he’s bored and didn’t like his dinner as a gospel summary of her parenting.

Maybe she can’t manage taking all the kids out in one go? Perhaps she’s not taking the kids out on that day? She might be seeing her friends or spending a day pursuing her own interests?

Can you and your ex both pay for summer club or whatever alternative childcare so that this woman gets a holiday with her husband?

If your ex was going on the days out without your son then id say you have a point. If you are getting upset because his wife is taking her own children out without your ex and your child then you are being unreasonable.

@TheChain & @pregnantandsuffering just to clarify, I expect the dad to be responsible for half the school holidays, not more than half. We have 14 weeks school holidays round our way, so I was working on half equalling 7 weeks.

Also, it is definitely the Dad's responsibility to sort childcare, not his new wife's, but if they don't do paid-for childcare as she's a SAHM, then that is the issue they need to sort between them. I.e. Stepmum could say "How do we cover 7 weeks of school holidays, for DSC when we want a week off to ourselves & DH, you only have another 4 weeks to take? DH, do you want me to do DSC childcare for 3 weeks? As actually I'd prefer to put DSC in paid childcare as I have enough on my hands."

It shouldn't come as a shock to them that this needs sorting.

I do wonder what step-mums think will happen when they decide to be a SAHM, knowing that their DH only gets 5 weeks holiday, but their husband needs to cover 7 weeks school holiday for their existing child.

Whilst it's definitely the Dad's issue to sort, doesn't a SAHM by definition stay at home & look after the kids? Do they assume any child that's not related to them by blood (even though by marriage) shouldn't get looked after by them?

I do stand by the final sentence of my last post though:
He's a dick if he thinks he can pick & choose the bits he wants to & dump the rest on the OP/his new wife.

He's a dick if he thinks he can pick & choose the bits he wants to & dump the rest on the OP/his new wife.

He's not dumping anything on OP, she's dumping it on the new wife!!! So she and her ex are as bad as each other!

OP was the one who short notice expected his wife to fit her son into her plans the next day after a sleepover not planned in advance. NOT the ex.

She's the one making nasty comments about a woman looking after 4 kids on her own, and being undermined by her DHs ex!

And she's the one that classes actually having support most single parents would be lucky to have as struggling!!!!

Lastly, I do think the "tornado" should eat what he's given, be gentle with the baby & not expect to be entertained all the time.

Also, I think it's healthy for kids to be "bored" sometimes, parents can't be full time entertainers.

@InTheHeatofLisbon but if he was covering his 7 weeks of the school holidays as any decent parent would, the OP wouldn't need to ask for additional help would she?

He "can't help" as he's chosen to take a week's holiday without his son, rather than use his annual leave to look after his own DC. He just expects the OP to pick up the slack.

the OP wouldn't need to ask for additional help would she?

Firstly she's not asking, she's stropping because the SM said no, ONCE, at short notice.

Secondly, he has 5 weeks holiday, so how is he supposed to cover 7?

Both OP and the ex should stump up for childcare instead of dumping it all on the SM.

Both are being spectacularly unreasonable.

It's quite a coincidence that there would vlbe so many similarity with the other thread yet it isn't the SM. The good news if I is is that nowhere on the other thread deos she mention anything negative about the child tsht would lead to believe she doesnt like him, on the opposite.

Say what!???

Mum
2 older children
Baby
DS

Last I went to school that’s 5 people in a 5 seater car ...

Oh, I thought it meant if dad is in the car too. If he’s not then yeah there will be enough room for his son.