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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially let him miss the wedding?

204 replies

veryirritated · 03/08/2019 01:02

Name changed in case I'm identified from this!!

So this evening DP and I both went for drinks with separate friendship groups. He got there about 8:15 and somehow ended up at a house party with colleagues who are all several years younger than him. He knows he has to go to a friends wedding and drive there tomorrow, so said he would only drink a couple. At 11pm he phones me in a complete state saying he's done loads of shots, drank several beers etc. He only just makes the train home because it's late, gets home at midnight, eats half a pizza and vomits. I then find him passed out in bed.

If this was once in a blue moon, I'd say no more about it. But he gets carried away and into a state so that he misses trains or is too hungover to do stuff every time he goes out with work people. I find it very frustrating especially when he's said he's not going to drink too much that he always gets really drunk.

I am not going to the wedding tomorrow. He's passed out and left all his stuff downstairs so not got an alarm. AIBU to just let him sleep, and if he is late to the wedding, let him deal with consequences?!

OP posts:
trulyconfuseddotcom · 03/08/2019 10:49

I'm totally on the side of the DP needs to be responsible for his own behaviour and choices, it's absolutely not the OP's responsibility to manage and enable his poor choices. Team lie-in!

But I read the original post out to my DH and he had some interesting questions:
How old is the DP in question?
What industry does the DP work in - might it be one where there is a lot of pressure to get hammered in a group, i.e. City of London finance etc? This could be a particular factor if the DP is older and trying to prove he's still equal to younger colleagues.
Might the DP suffer from social anxiety and get wrecked to compensate?

Whatever his circumstances, he clearly needs to take a good hard look at his life and decide to make some changes.

Original poster
veryirritated · 03/08/2019 10:55

Morning everyone, thanks for all your advice.

So... I did set an alarm, mainly because I felt bad for the wedding couple. He was a real state this morning and tried to get me to drive him - not a chance. Told him it was his choice to get that drunk and he had to deal with the consequences, and I don't want to be driving all round the country (wedding is 2 hours away). He's got a taxi to the station and is getting a train and his mate is going to pick him up.

In answer to some of the other questions, it's his friend - im not invited, and I've never met them (fair enough). They were at uni together but are not close and he was surprised to get an invite. He's 32 and most of the people he was out with are 21/22/23. I'm completely ok with him having a drinks but I do care when it impacts all other plans. Angry

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 03/08/2019 11:06

Saw your update - he tried to get you to drive him?!?!!

Given that you weren't going, I agree it was best to get him to go, otherwise it would let them down to have an empty seat. But if he were my DH we'd be having a pretty serious discussion about his drinking.

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2019 11:55

As you weren't going, how does it have any impact on your plans today?

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 11:55

As you weren't going, how does it have any impact on your plans today?

I’m assuming the OP means her plans to catch up on her sleep.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2019 11:58

veryirritated - good outcome. Hope you got something of a lie in.

Hotterthanahotthing · 03/08/2019 12:04

Hope you have a good dayOP.
Btw,I would stop making excuses for him with friends and family.Tell then he's too drunk/hungover.

Sicario · 03/08/2019 13:54

Well done! Perfectly handled. Do please give us an update about how his day went :)

sheshootssheimplores · 03/08/2019 13:58

Have a lovely day OP.

K1ssIt · 03/08/2019 14:26

Can you imagine the responses a woman would get if she posted this.

I went out with work mates, I told my husband I was only going to have a couple of drinks because I knew I was at my friends wedding the following morning and had to drive early. I somehow ended up a house party drinking shots and almost missed the last train home. Anyway I got home puked and went to bed.

My husband didn't set my alarm for me because he said I'm adult and knew I had a drive this morning. He's been working lates and didn't want to set an early alarm to get me up and he's also complaining that he won't drive me my friends wedding. He said he's fed up of me doing this every time I go out with work friends and that he's sick of lying and making and excuses as to why I miss things the next day.

AIBU and he should have woke me up and driven me there, it's no hardship and he shouldn't try to be the fun police. A normal husband wouldn't complain would be? He'd wake me up, possibly cook me breakfast and take me there.

I very much doubt people would be calling him a miserable hatchet and I suspect she's be getting told she's adult and he shouldn't have to give up his sleep after working lates to micro manage her and I dare bet she'd be told she has a drink problem if she can't stop once she's started and regularly misses family plans.

ZenNudist · 03/08/2019 14:29

Seems like you did the right thing OP

quizqueen · 03/08/2019 14:48

No, I wouldn't wake him. Of course, he has to see the consequences of his actions if he misses the wedding/gets nicked for driving over the limit- because I'd certainly report him) as it doesn't sound like it's the first time he's behaved like this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2019 14:59

"Btw,I would stop making excuses for him with friends and family.Tell then he's too drunk/hungover."
Likewise. Make today the start-point of making him take responsibility for himself.

"He was a real state this morning and tried to get me to drive him - not a chance ... wedding is 2 hours away"
Shock He thought you should do a four hour drive? With a passenger who would probably need to stop to prevent puking "for air" making it probably longer? Pfft. Glad you said no.

Hope you've caught up on some sleep and are having a nice day.

pinkstripeycat · 03/08/2019 15:09

If the boot was on the other foot would DP wake you and fuss over you to make sure you got up at 9am in order to make the wedding?

DitheringBlidiot · 03/08/2019 15:36

I’d wake him up but only because the alternative is him moping around the house hungover and annoyed that he didn’t go the the wedding, not because I thought it was my job to wake him

timshelthechoice · 03/08/2019 16:31

Oh, bullshit, K1ss, women on here get a roasting for over-drinking nearly every day. She'd be handed her arse on a plate.

I'd not have bothered getting him up, OP, you're just enabling him.

Couldn't deal with a 32-year-old who has no off switch and frequently gets so drunk, tbh, and definitely wouldn't have kids with him.

adaline · 03/08/2019 16:37

Good for you OP, I think you made the right choice.

But he's a CF wanting you to drive him - you're not even invited so what exactly does he think you're going to do while he's partying and drinking more at this wedding?

Echobelly · 03/08/2019 17:19

I think that was the right choice - you enabled him to go but didn't make it easy for him, as he didn't deserve that!

tenterden · 03/08/2019 17:25

No way would I have woken him.

You are enabling him and treating him like a naughty toddler.

Frazzled2207 · 03/08/2019 17:42

Pleased you did not drive him. Hope you had a peaceful day.
It sounds like your dh needs to grow up a bit tbh.

wacademia · 03/08/2019 18:13

I didn't call anyone "ugly" stop twisting what I said.

Hatchet-faced: having a face that looks like it was carved out of a block of wood with a hatchet; rough-featured. Sounds like a slur against someone's appearance to me.

You know full well it wasn't meant that way.

I am unaware of any meaning other than the one I gave above. How can you think that you know what I know? You can't, you can't mind-read.

who just messed up on occasion

This isn't "on occasion", it's a repeated behaviour. The OP told us this. I wouldn't take the hard line I've taken if the OP's "D"P only got drunk on New Year's Eve and this one other time. But he drinks far more often and in a life-disrupting way, and that it is serious cause for concern.

K1ssIt · 03/08/2019 18:47

timshelthechoice

I'm not disagreeing with you so not sure why my post is bullshit? I said a woman posting from the husbands perspective would be told it's her own fault and her husband would be getting the shit the OP has for not managing her responsibilities for her.

rainbowstardrops · 03/08/2019 19:04

I'm glad you didn't pander to him and drive him to the wedding! He's lucky you even woke him up!
Personally, this would be the last chance for me. Either grow up or bugger off. Simple as

OooErMissus · 03/08/2019 19:28

I honestly can see why there is so many dysfunctional relationships and lonely people when I read the posts on here. Some folks are just horrible they are punitive to their friends, partner, kids.

It doesn't occur to you that people are telling the OP to get on with her day, and leave him to it (sort his own alarm out, get his own arse there), because they don't have partners who would even need this kind of 'punitive' treatment in the first place?!

FML. If this is your normal, you're in no position to be lecturing people about dysfunctional relationships.....

OooErMissus · 03/08/2019 19:30

@timshelthechoice - I think you need to re-read K1ssIt's post. Grin

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