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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially let him miss the wedding?

204 replies

veryirritated · 03/08/2019 01:02

Name changed in case I'm identified from this!!

So this evening DP and I both went for drinks with separate friendship groups. He got there about 8:15 and somehow ended up at a house party with colleagues who are all several years younger than him. He knows he has to go to a friends wedding and drive there tomorrow, so said he would only drink a couple. At 11pm he phones me in a complete state saying he's done loads of shots, drank several beers etc. He only just makes the train home because it's late, gets home at midnight, eats half a pizza and vomits. I then find him passed out in bed.

If this was once in a blue moon, I'd say no more about it. But he gets carried away and into a state so that he misses trains or is too hungover to do stuff every time he goes out with work people. I find it very frustrating especially when he's said he's not going to drink too much that he always gets really drunk.

I am not going to the wedding tomorrow. He's passed out and left all his stuff downstairs so not got an alarm. AIBU to just let him sleep, and if he is late to the wedding, let him deal with consequences?!

OP posts:
ParmaViolet44 · 03/08/2019 09:34

Hope you manage to get to the wedding today OP and enjoy yourself

Op isn't going

Sorry, missed that.

Sicario · 03/08/2019 09:34

@veryirritated What happened? We're all dying to know!

BlackKittyKat · 03/08/2019 09:34

Anyone else hoping that the lack of update means that OP is enjoying her live-in? Grin

BlackKittyKat · 03/08/2019 09:36

Lie-in goddamnit!

Thehop · 03/08/2019 09:37

Shameless update hunting

HeyMonkey · 03/08/2019 09:38

No way is he going to be safe to drive this morning.

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 09:38

. If my husband did that to me and him waking me up would be of no detriment to him I would be pretty pissed off with him

It is to her detriment. She’s been working nights and needs the sleep.

I would agree absolutely if the OP was going to the wedding and was up anyway, then waking him up would be appropriate.

Are people really suggesting she sets an alarm to wake herself up earlier than she need, for an event she isn’t going to, to ensure a grown man is awake.

mycatisblack · 03/08/2019 09:39

He sounds like he's either an alcoholic or getting there. It's not normal to go out and get steaming drunk on a semi regular basis, especially when you know you have to be sober by 9am the following morning in order to drive to a friend's wedding.
I'd be looking at leaving the relationship as that isn't the behaviour of a caring considerate partner.

squirrelspatchcock · 03/08/2019 09:40

He has been an idiot, but if I thought it was important I would help him by waking him up. I would expect the same in return if necessary. I would like to think that my husband has got my back, even in a situation where I don't totally deserve it. If he has form for it, absolutely make a stand on another occasion where it doesn't impact someone's 'big day'.

user1493494961 · 03/08/2019 09:41

I'd want him to go so I could have the day to myself.

TruffleShuffles · 03/08/2019 09:41

The OP doesn’t say she’s been working nights she says she’s been working lates and was in the house before 11 when he rang her so I don’t see that waking him up at 8-9 is much of a hardship.

Newmumma83 · 03/08/2019 09:44

Hi op! Did he get his bum out of bed and off?

I would prob have set my alarm placed it by his head and see what happened ... he can get a taxi 🚖 you don’t need to drive him

Hope you get your lay in!

I have been extremely hungover for a wedding ( I was 19 it was my birthday ) my best friend was getting married ... my parents didn’t wake
Me up ... I got up at 7am got dressed and packed ... took myself on a train to London and did all the maid of honour bits with out a hand hold ... I felt so rough I couldn’t drink that night ... but don’t feel bad if you didn’t get him up... I managed to sort
Myself out as a teenager I am sure an experienced adult can do the same x x

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 09:46

so I don’t see that waking him up at 8-9 is much of a hardship

Even though she said she needed a sleep in? I.e wants to catch up on sleep?

I mean one could say that staying sober the night before you know you need to be up isn’t much of a hardship....

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2019 09:48

Well 9am has now passed, so he's either en route to the wedding or still unconscious asleep.

"At 11pm he phones me in a complete state saying he's done loads of shots, drank several beers etc."
And his blood alcohol levels will probably still be over the limit. On that alone, I would not have facilitated him getting into his car to drive here. Nor would I have driven him - that's just enabling him.

Facilitating, enabling - these are not things you want to do for someone with a drink problem. For as long as they have no consequences to their drink problem, they won't accept that they have a drink problem.

MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2019 09:49

'I mean one could say that staying sober the night before you know you need to be up isn’t much of a hardship....'

Quite

theSnuffster · 03/08/2019 09:52

I think I'd have made a point of waking him extra early. To allow him plenty of time to clean up any mess from last night and time to arrange a safe way of getting to the wedding, because he certainly can't drive and I would not be driving him.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2019 09:59

She didn't say he does it all the time. She said he does it when he goes out with younger work colleagues.

But often enough that she is sick of regularly dealing with the consequences. This time she will be losing sleep after working nights to parent this man.

How many times per year should women take responsibility and lose sleep for the selfish, drunken or other unreasonable behaviour of a man? Where did you draw the line before taking the hatchett-faced misery guts position?

There is a world of difference between a one off and a recurring pattern of behaviour. Its the pattern which is the problem, not the one off.

burnoutbabe · 03/08/2019 10:04

The man is clearly not a hugely close guest as he had been invited without his wife? So old uni mate with a group of other uni mates type relationship. So really no huge let down if he misses it.
Also surely he can arrive after the ceremony and be there for the reception anyway, at a time when it safe to drive?
I probably would wake the bloke up to give him a chance to go (and the go back to sleep) then again at my age my body generally wants a wee at same time every day so I'd be awake anyway.

LividLaughLove · 03/08/2019 10:06

I’m raging at all these replies trying to make it OP’s responsibility.

They’ve clearly never been forced into the repeated situation of mothering a man-child.

I was married to one. He ended up an alcoholic and dead by 39, but it started with him REPEATEDLY pulling shit like this.

The mental load of feeling like I had to fix it myself, to make it fair for other people (like the wedding party here)/so he didn’t get sacked/so I could have the day out we’d planned for months/so he didn’t embarrass me in front of people etc was utterly, utterly soul-destroying.

I was young and naive and thought I was “being normal” like the people upthread who can’t have ever been in that position more than once.

He never had to face responsibility for his actions because I’d always bail him out.

Until I left, and he continued to do what he wanted with no consequences until he drank himself to death.

It took me a LONG time to be able to see what he’d done to me.

I’m not saying OP’s guy is an alcoholic. I am saying this is NOT her circus or her monkeys.

PonderingPanda · 03/08/2019 10:16

@veryirritated .... so what did you do?

bernietaupinspen · 03/08/2019 10:26

Have I missed OP say whether it's her friend or his?

Well OP wasn't going, so fair to guess it was his friend.

Branleuse · 03/08/2019 10:32

What happened this morning op?

HorridHenrysNits · 03/08/2019 10:41

Hopefully OP has got the lie in she says she needed.

Drum2018 · 03/08/2019 10:41

I wouldn't set an alarm for him and I wouldn't set an alarm for myself to make sure he gets up on time. He's a fucking adult, not a school child who needs mammy to wake him up. I certainly wouldn't condone him driving this morning after drinking so much to the point of being sick.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/08/2019 10:45

I'd leave him to sleep it off. No way would I wake someone up who is more than likely not fit to drive as he has drunk too much. I'd hide his car keys too.

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