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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially let him miss the wedding?

204 replies

veryirritated · 03/08/2019 01:02

Name changed in case I'm identified from this!!

So this evening DP and I both went for drinks with separate friendship groups. He got there about 8:15 and somehow ended up at a house party with colleagues who are all several years younger than him. He knows he has to go to a friends wedding and drive there tomorrow, so said he would only drink a couple. At 11pm he phones me in a complete state saying he's done loads of shots, drank several beers etc. He only just makes the train home because it's late, gets home at midnight, eats half a pizza and vomits. I then find him passed out in bed.

If this was once in a blue moon, I'd say no more about it. But he gets carried away and into a state so that he misses trains or is too hungover to do stuff every time he goes out with work people. I find it very frustrating especially when he's said he's not going to drink too much that he always gets really drunk.

I am not going to the wedding tomorrow. He's passed out and left all his stuff downstairs so not got an alarm. AIBU to just let him sleep, and if he is late to the wedding, let him deal with consequences?!

OP posts:
MerdedeBrexit · 03/08/2019 08:41

The OP states that he is supposed to drive there. His car is still over at the colleague's house

timshelthechoice - out of curiosity, and completely irrelevant to the OP, but where does the OP say that his car is still at the colleague's house?

wacademia · 03/08/2019 08:43

To all the people saying "wake him":

  1. Despite the first rule of misogyny stating otherwise, OP is not responsible for her "D"P's behaviour, nor its consequences.
  2. Any reasonable person would: a) not drink at the work party, or b) miss the work party to make sure they didn't drink.
  3. "D"P obviously cares more about getting drunk with colleagues than he does about the people who've invited him to their wedding. Let the happy couple see that and see what he's really like.
  4. Repeated blotto drinking is a red flag for alcoholism down the line.
  5. The "D"P habitually drinking heavily and not taking responsibility for the consequences, repeatedly, is a HUGE red flag for abusive behaviour to OP later that will be excused as "I was drunk".
Blueoasis · 03/08/2019 08:44

This thread is a great example of why we see so many posts from women asking 'why does my partner get me to do everything and take responsibility for everything?'

A clue: because you let him!

Those saying 'I would get him up and ready for it' are those people. They take care of everything for their partner so they don't have to take responsibility for their own fuck ups.

The ops partner has fucked up. He can be a big grown up boy and take responsibility for it. Having a penis doesn't make him useless or stupid or incapable of thinking ahead. He was capable of doing all of that, and capable of saying no to more drinks and going home. He chose not to. He chose to please his work colleagues over his friends who want him at their wedding. He can handle that responsibility. Let him get on with it. It might give him the kick up the ass he needs to see what a twat he can be and how to avoid it in the future.

Lemonlady22 · 03/08/2019 08:44

Beautiful3....its not babysitting if hes looking after his own children...its called being a parent...hope hes manned up!

NabooThatsWho · 03/08/2019 08:44

Why does she have to do the “normal and adult” thing when he repeatedly doesn’t?

Exactly! If you know you have a special even the next day, especially where you have to drive, how hard is it to not get wasted the night before? I mean really! Few drinks, fine. Hammered, no.
He’s not some 18 year old who doesn’t know his limits and needs looked after.

CarolDanvers · 03/08/2019 08:46

I'd try and wake him and probably help him on his way because I am not a hatchet faced misery guts who thinks every time those I love make a mistake that the fallout should be exacerbated to the max so they Learn Their Lesson.

Coronapop · 03/08/2019 08:46

He's an adult not a child so it is his responsibility not yours.

LegionOfDoom · 03/08/2019 08:47

Just wake him up op. This is your husband ffs. Definitely address his drinking some time soon. For today though, wake him up and let him deal with it from there.

Do not let him drive to the wedding though. He will still be over the limit.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 03/08/2019 08:48

I'd try and wake him and probably help him on his way because I am not a hatchet faced misery guts who thinks every time those I love make a mistake that the fallout should be exacerbated to the max so they Learn Their Lesson

Bollocks to that. If it was a one off then certainly. But he has done it repeatedly, and I don't see why op should have to be his mum in this situation.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/08/2019 08:48

I’d wake him but that’s all. He’d need to get up and ready and to the wedding himself. Daft to get so shitfaced before a big day like that, it’s not the crime of the centre but but I wouldn’t be putting myself out to fix things either.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/08/2019 08:49

Crime of the century stupid autocorrect

ATrampsVest · 03/08/2019 08:49

I really hope you didn't wake him OP. He's a grown man who needs to take some responsibility for his actions and you are not his Mum!

NabooThatsWho · 03/08/2019 08:49

I'd try and wake him and probably help him on his way because I am not a hatchet faced misery guts who thinks every time those I love make a mistake that the fallout should be exacerbated to the max so they Learn Their Lesson.

It’s not a one-off though is it? He has form for doing it. Helping him sort his mess out every time he does it means he will keep doing it. He has no incentive to change his behaviour.

MarthasGinYard · 03/08/2019 08:50

Op I hope you are having your lie in and not being wasting an ounce of time worrying about whether this grown up gets his drunken arse out of bed.

Ps if he didn't clean his puke properly last night. Make sure he does that.

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2019 08:50

I'd try and wake him and probably help him on his way because I am not a hatchet faced misery guts who thinks every time those I love make a mistake that the fallout should be exacerbated to the max so they Learn Their Lesson

So the OP, who has worked night shifts all week and is trying to get her sleep pattern back has to forego her lie in because an adult male cant manage himself?

Fuck that. A normal person, a functional adult, would not put the onus of ensuring they’re where they need to be on their partner who they know needs the sleep.

I’d set my alarm, leave it near him and take myself off to bed. No more needs doing than that.

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 08:51

Why does OP have to wake up early to make another person up....?

themouldneverbotheredmeanyway · 03/08/2019 08:52

He won't be legal to drive the morning after drinking that much, and even just the humongous hangover will make him unsafe to drive.

I would definitely leave him to sleep in. He also needs to face the consequences of his decisions.

My dh used to be like this - didn't drink usually, but when he occasionally went out with certain friends got utterly pissed and lost the next day to awful hangovers. He decided to become completely teetotal after seeing the consequences, and it is working.

DirtyDeeds · 03/08/2019 08:53

Natural consequences... let it play out and don’t wake the fucker up

Whoseagooddoggiethen · 03/08/2019 08:53

I would set an alarm but that is it. If he sleeps through or turns it off that is on him and the only reason i would set alarm to begin with is for the bride and groom. What a twat getting into that state knowing he had responsibilities. He needs to own his mistakes.

Echobelly · 03/08/2019 08:54

I'd probably wake for the sake of the wedding couple, not himself given they've paid for him etc, also it's upsetting when a friend doesn't make it (I had a friend who got the week wrong and missed it!).

But then he needs a serious talk about his drinking and a warning that you won't sort out his messes again.

wacademia · 03/08/2019 08:56

caroldanvers It's not about making him learn a lesson. It's about not getting into a pattern of enabling behaviour. It's about not excusing red flags that indicate male entitlement behaviours. He thinks he's entitled to get ratted even if he misses events, I'm seeing that as a huge red flag. When he and OP have kids, will he get ratted and be too drunk to drive the kids to places the kids are booked to be at? When she's giving birth, will he be too hungover to be there?

hatchet faced misery guts

Handmaids gonna handmaid. Calling women ugly when they refuse to be doormats to men is the oldest trick in the book.

Aridane · 03/08/2019 08:56

Those saying 'I would get him up and ready for it' are those people. They take care of everything for their partner so they don't have to take responsibility for their own fuck ups

Yes - with the exception of carol (who posted after your post - all we’re saying is wake the guy up / set an alarm- not dress the guy and take him to the wedding,

Blueoasis · 03/08/2019 09:03

Yes - with the exception of carol (who posted after your post - all we’re saying is wake the guy up / set an alarm- not dress the guy and take him to the wedding,

How do you expect him to get there when he'll be too hungover to drive? He won't be able to drive and will expect the op to take him and pick him up no doubt.

jarofheart · 03/08/2019 09:04

@StillCoughingandLaughing

9am seems early for a wedding
*
Seriously? This is what you leap on?*

Yes because it makes me think he's part of the wedding party and therefore not waking him up effects other people.

Maybe you could read my whole post and not just the first sentence before you "leap" on me Hmm

CarolDanvers · 03/08/2019 09:05

Handmaids gonna handmaid. Calling women ugly when they refuse to be doormats to men is the oldest trick in the book

Hmm I threw my ex H out for far less than some women put up with on here, I've lived as a single parent and supported my children financially alone with no romantic relationship ever since as I don't trust men to behave decently in romantic relationships but anyway...

I didn't call anyone "ugly" stop twisting what I said. You know full well it wasn't meant that way.

I think many mnetters are horribly hard faced and take great delight in delivering Life Lessons to those they profess to love - their children especially. Some seem to get a real kick out of it. Yes I would help my husband, get to a wedding that was important to him if he was generally a kind and decent man who just messed up on occasion.

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