Would you be pissed off if in the first day or two after getting home from having a baby, your dh goes to the gym

[Lardlizard]

? Or would it not bother you

So,I gave birth to my third child,the other two were 7 and 9.Got home with new baby at 4,00pm,husband announced that he was playing tennis,and couldent cancel as the baby was 3 days early,,and he was caught on the hop.The dog and cat had been sick,to what on earth he had fed them,I sat on the edge of the bath,whilst the 2 older kids splashed about,and cried my eyes out.Yes,im still married to him.He got back at 11.00pm..

No.... every 1 needs a little down time its just the gym not like he is heading up the pub

My daughters dad buggered off to go to a football match on my day of discharge it's only because an emergency happened at hospital with another patient that he made it back in time. I had a c section and my daughter was extremely poorly so being well enough to go home was my priority. His response was well he needed normality as he'd be stuck in the hospital from the earliest 10 am until about 6. I couldn't even get down to nicu without him as couldn't walk that far. If he could of got away with being at the hospital he would of. As it was too boring. Still makes my blood boil nearly 4 years on.

Face it some men don't really want to look after a baby. No matter how much you'd like him to. He's not interested. My DH wasn't and still isn't interested in parenting.never will be.

Mine went back to work 3 days after I had my second child baby because we needed the money and couldn't afford him to be on paternity leave so he just used a couple of days holiday and then went back to work. I was breastfeeding my eldest and youngest but honestly I think it was just easier to be left to get on with it rather than have him flapping about not knowing what to do to make himself useful.

I don't think I would mind, it's the gym though wouldn't be happy if a night out or holiday suppose. A few days after my daughter was born I suffered post partum cardiomyopathy (pregnancy heart failure) and was in ICU when my husband went to a wedding, it was his sister's (2nd marriage) to be fair and had give him the ok but my family was very unhappy about it and thought he should have been with me at the hospital especially as days before family was told I might not make it

With my first, i would have been pissed off with the selfishness and indulgence of it while we were just trying to survive. I also probably wasn’t ready so soon to be left alone (at that stage we were still checking he was still breathing every 5 mins lol) in case anything happened.

But back then I had a naive and higher expectation of menfolk. Now I realise they don’t see things as we do - I have lowered my bar and I would just accept it and be fine with him going.

Pixiegirl76 that's a long game of Tennis! Never heard of it running that late!

Pixiegirl76 that's a very late and long game of Tennis!

I wouldn’t have been happy about his at all. Wouldn’t have said my DH could of he’d have wanted to. We had takeaway the first couple of evenings just so neither of us had to leave the house!

Having a baby is a huge change and is very daunting - you should be able to rely on him.

Did you tell him that you were uncomfortable with him going? If so, he’s being very very unreasonable.

It would bother me! Those early days are seriously all hands on deck time. but it might depend a bit on how close the gym was so how long he was gone in total and whether he left it up to me or not. I might not be so annoyed if I thought he'd get a lot out of it and if he acknowledged that it ws a bit of an ask - i.e. that he'd seriously make it up to me

Not at all, as he wouldn't be there the whole day. He will certainly come back home

An hour of exercise sounds like a really good idea for your mental health after having a baby, I’d be encouraging it!

I went for a shuffle round the shops and a coffee with my mum a few days after giving birth and it did me the world of good to feel like a human for a couple of hours!

Well I know it's not the same but mine brought us home and then took my stepson home 15 mins later. I literally sat holding baby for half an hour because I couldn't move, luckily baby just slept. Didn't even cross my mind to be annoyed.

Not as such but it would bother me if he didn’t ask if I was OK with him going, and it would bother me if he went regardless of my feelings.

Is he supposed to be on paternity leave which is a new phenomenon for many. Men used to just go to work, no day off even. So is he being unreasonable? Unless you are totally overwhelmed by the birth experience, have some medical problem that limits your ability to be on your own, have a couple of toddlers demanding attention, think he can have a couple of hours at a gym. Perhaps your hormones are preventing you from reconciling his need to escape.

his need to escape.

Why is a father's need to 'escape' accepted? What about the mother? Why is it acceptable she is left holding the baby? What about her need to escape? She is the one who has gone through, probably, one of the most physically demanding experiences of her life.

It really doesn’t matter how this situation would be for others. This is your relationship and it clearly does bother you. The solution lies in deciding why you feel resentful. Does DH pitch in when he isn’t at the gym? Was he supportive during the pregnancy? I could say that I wouldn’t mind but would that change your feelings? If I said that I would mind would that make you feel better by somehow justifying your resentment?
Seeing as you’ll get differing views by asking in a public forum I believe you won’t actually feel any differently, but if you do it won’t be a positive change.
This is something quite important that you need to resolve with DH. It might seem petty to some but it’s bothering you.

I think it depends on how you are, how the baby is and if there are things that need to be done at home, such as caring for older dc. If you are ok and baby is well, and you are able to manage easily without him, then it would be ok. If you need him to be there for some reason he should not go.

I would of been grateful for a few hours away from him however if you expressed upset and he still went I'd be upset.

I would have minded! I’m surprised at how many people act like it’s silly that you would mind. It all depends on you and your recovery of course, but I felt pretty fragile physically and emotionally in those first couple days. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask / suggest it - maybe he didn’t realise how you felt - but it’s not at all unreasonable for you to want him to stick around and if so he should respect that! And congratulations - it gets much better!

It wouldn’t have bothered me. The only thing that I got sad about when he was gone was not him helping me with anything to do with the baby, it was just having his company, as we had been 3 days 24/7 together in the hospital and I missed him. But no, I’d have been happy for him to go to the gym and get a break for a bit. If you’re breastfeeding you don’t get that luxury, but I saw it as, he was going out to work to take care of us. So I was happy for him to get lots of sleep and do sport to keep his endorphins up he always kept my water and snacks well stockpiled anyway. Sometimes it’s actually better when they’re not hovering and giving their opinion and allow you the space to figure things out.

I just asked my DH what he thought and he says absolutely not, it’s DH’s job to look after you, get you food and drinks, do the housework and look after any other children so you can concentrate of feeding and resting, he also cannot fathom why, unless it’s essential, anyone would want to be away from their newborn.

It depends on the circumstances. If the day was going well and I'd had a bath, dressed in something clean, I'd eaten and had a drink to hand, baby asleep, settled or happily breastfeeding - then no I wouldn't mind.

If I'd had literally no sleep, I was struggling to feed or settle baby, I'd had no bath/shower, no clean clothes no food or drink and I was struggling to cope then no I wouldn't appreciate my partner leaving me like that in the early days.

If I was struggling yes.

If not then an hour or so away is less of an issue

I didn't change a nappy for the first few weeks because DH did them all (both times). He was also there to arrange to see Breastfeeding counsellors and clinics and host HVs and MWs and all the other people.

You do need to gently talk about this and set your expectations. Lots of other halves would not realise, without being told, that they need to check if going out now is a good idea or if you would rather they stay and do something else. And you cannot be quiet and let them go if you really want him to stay.