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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be pissed off if in the first day or two after getting home from having a baby, your dh goes to the gym

238 replies

Lardlizard · 02/08/2019 18:33

? Or would it not bother you

OP posts:
HalyardHitch · 02/08/2019 20:01

My first baby I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I'd be less than impressed if dh even thought about disappearing for an hour or so of "me time". I was in my knees. Exhausted, poorly, weak, poorly feeding newborn (who was then hospitalised for four and a half weeks).

My second, I also had a 12 month old but I would have been ok with that. I was lucky, I hardly felt like I'd even had a baby within an hour.

However, I do wonder what kind of bloke feels it necessary to leave their wife and newborn at such an early stage unless necessary. But that's my personal opinion.

jamoncrumpet · 02/08/2019 20:02

My DH went to an all day cricket match three days after our second DC was born! In fairness his team had got to the final. And they won!

CielBleuEtNuages · 02/08/2019 20:02

Less than 3 hours after DS2 was born, we were in the hospital room debating what DH would nip out to get for his lunch when his phone reminder went off....he had a lunch meeting with a VIP in 15 minutes. Far too late to cancel so DH dashed out and apologised for his lateness citing his wife has just given birth. VIP bought him champagne to celebrate and they had a great lunch whilst i was in hospital trying to establish BFing and eating crappy hospital food. I laugh about it though and use it to tease him. It really depends on your reltionship and if you'd resent it.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 02/08/2019 20:03

Depends entirely how much he’s doing / how supportive he’s being the other 23 hours of the day...

Alsohuman · 02/08/2019 20:04

No paternity leave when I had mine. He went to work from 8am to 4.30pm.

missmouse101 · 02/08/2019 20:06

I'd be bloody pissed off with that, I must say.

seven201 · 02/08/2019 20:07

I'd be pissed off.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 20:09

Depends whether the place was tidy and the washing had been done etc if so then no I wouldn’t have minded, no point in both of us feeling tied down and miserable.

BelleCarig · 02/08/2019 20:10

I'd be upset. There mightn't be much for him to do but the first few weeks are to be struggled through together.
Ps for breastfeeding pain get hydrogel breast pads.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/08/2019 20:10

Frankly NO, new borns are boring, and my needed some de-stress time, watching his wife in pain, enduring childbirth plus serious complications meant he was highly stressed and anxious.

feelingverylazytoday · 02/08/2019 20:11

No it wouldn't have bothered me. No reason for both of us to be stuck indoors, bored rigid.

Italiandreams · 02/08/2019 20:11

I would have been furious! I was emotionally all over the place, a nervous wreck and in a lot of pain. I appreciate maybe not everyone is in the same position but you are definitely not being unreasonable to be upset

Chakano · 02/08/2019 20:12

Mine doesn't go to the gym, nothing more boring.
He should have been with you and baby, why would he not want to be, that's so sad.

IsobelRae23 · 02/08/2019 20:12

Ds went and walked the dogs for an hour when ds was 7 hours old and we just got in from hospital. The dogs then needed 3 x 3 hour walks a day (large breed), and i never thought once ‘don’t leave me’. So I guess him leaving me is the same as gym. Plus he left for shopping and school runs.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 20:14

3x3 hour walks a day? So he was out 9 hours a day?

Abouttimemum · 02/08/2019 20:15

Yes I would have minded. Baby was a nightmare in those first days and weeks at home. It’s a team effort.

drunkenflamingo2 · 02/08/2019 20:17

I had an emergency section on Saturday morning and DP was in work 24 hours later for 6 days straight.

You're lucky.

PeoniesarePink · 02/08/2019 20:18

If he'd asked if I was OK with it first, then yes I'd probably be OK.

If he did it without asking or even thinking, I'd be nipping that in the bud pretty quickly.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/08/2019 20:21

Sick That’s really interesting. There is a narrative on mumsnet that a useless man is a useless man LTB etc.

My DH was also a bit of an arse when we had our eldest but progressed to becoming an absolute saint amongst men by the time we had our third and fourth.

myself2020 · 02/08/2019 20:21

No. nothing he can help with anyway.

Herefortheduration · 02/08/2019 20:23

Wouldn't bother me at all but I'd be plonking baby on him when he gets home, lol

Shoppingishardwork · 02/08/2019 20:24

Well it really does depend on a lot of things. How you are, how the baby is, whether there are other children, whether he's pulling his weight and so on, whether he's generally a good husband.

Although exercise is important, it's not going to kill anyone to skip the gym for a while until everyone's adjusted to life with the new baby. Otoh, if the wife is fine and happy to be alone with a sleeping baby then there's no problem is there? But some people painting this idyllic scene of sleeping baby and mum laying on sofa with chocolate happy watching tv isn't always the reality.

What I do find laughable is all these posts saying their dhs needed to 'de-stress'. What utter bollox, the woman is the one whose been through pregnancy and childbirth, then breastfeeding.

I'm struggling to see how a coping mechanism for watching your wife in pain is to disappear for a few hours, leaving her at home in pain.

Surely being on hand at home would be the obvious thing?

anothernotherone · 02/08/2019 20:25

If he knew that you didn't want him to go, the day after you gave birth to his baby and knowing that you were struggling, solely working to feed and care for his baby, then he is a selfish arse of the highest order and of course you should be pissed off.

Hark at all the "cool" women declaring that their menfolk needed and deserved time to themselves to "decompress" and de-stress from the stress of their wives or girlfriends giving birth and breastfeeding - especially the ones feeling sorry for the poor lambs "run ragged" caring for their own offspring and needing the newly delivered mother to take that on as well as her own wrecked body and breastfeeding to give the poor penis bearer time to himself.

Obviously if he's no help then it's possibly better if he goes elsewhere, and if he's off on a supply run he's being useful - totally different.

Putting his needs first knowing that the woman who has only just birthed and started breadtfeeding his baby needs him on day two is arsehole behaviour.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 20:26

Is this just a general question or specific to you OP?

Vivavivienne · 02/08/2019 20:28

Wouldn’t have bothered me. Labour can be a very frightening experience for the man too, who often sees his dear wife in much pain and feels very out of control. I’m not minimising what the woman goes through the woman goes through!

I think it’s fine for him to go the gym. Hell, I went out and left DC with DH the day after we got home too! I wanted to exercise my horse.