to want to say something to my sister about my niece

[user4627462167123]

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP said she feels sad about this situation, what's wrong with that?

Because it seems a bit mad to be this sad and self-dramatising about not having held a four-month baby enough, when it's clear everyone involved sees everyone regularly, so it's not as if the sister and her baby are about to emigrate to the other side of the world, so that the chance of a bond with this baby is gone...?

It sounds like your sister is lucky to have someone watching out for signs of PND etc. I would probably keep an eye on things but not say anything just yet. 4mnths is an odd time

I was really anxious with my PFB. Made even worse because he was really poorly at birth and I had the same nightmare of me handing him over to the surgical team for his op every night, over and over again for months. The idea of me handing him to anyone other than DH made me feel physically sick.

And I knew people were coming from a good place when they expressed concern but the pressure to be "normal" and allow people to play pass the baby at family gatherings made it ten times worse.

The only thing for me was time and by the time he was about 7/8 months I completely calmed myself and was able to hand him to people and feel happy about it.

Don't force it op, just let her take the lead on this one.

Leave it be. For some reason she is stressed about letting go of the baby and you will only add to her anxiety by making a thing about it. I would just try to be as supportive and positive and kind as possible to her and try to make her feel like she can talk to you if she is worried or upset about anything. Hopefully she will gain confidence as the baby gets older and be able to relax a bit more, and you have plenty of time to bond with your niece when she is walking and talking.

Also, people come and fuss over the baby and completely forget to ask about how the mother is doing. So there's that.

YABU. Loads of mums are very worried about the baby catching something. I was, and didn't realise that babies are far more immune than they are. I wasn't this obsessive but she'll grow out of it. Discuss immunity and how babies are protected by the mothers immunity at the start if you want to, but she'll grow out of it!

I hate to say it but leave her alone! Different mums react in different ways why is society intent telling them they're wrong? She'll come around, be there, support her, stop judging her and talking about her and stop turning something that in a child's entire life-time is just a molehill into a mountain that could cause real unnecessary hurt and division.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If she is struggling with anxiety then that's not going to magically get better with time, if anything with the prospect of your niece going to Nursery when she needs to return to work it's likely to get worse.

I would speak to her about how worried you are. She may not appreciate it at the time but you are concerned about your sister and you know she has a history of anxiety just ignoring the issue isn't going to help her or your niece or her DP.

IDontDrinkTea

YABU. I hate the fact that people always assume they have a right to pass my baby round. She doesn’t want cuddles with all and sundry, babies would rather be with their mum

Oh, did your baby not like it’s dad then?
Ffs - nobody wants to play pass the parcel - giving your sister your new baby to hold is natural.
I’d give somebody like cocoon or other post natal MH professional a call op and discuss - she may be just fiercely protective but it probably is PND.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think it's natural for the family to want to get to know their new addition, to have a cuddle, etc. I have (adult) children and now grandchildren. I adore babies - there's nothing quite like cuddling a newborn, that new life is so special - and I miss that when they get a bit older, even though I do still have cuddles.

I guess mum could be over anxious. Or have mental health issues. Or perhaps she's a younger sibling and growing up felt she never had anything of her own because the rest of the family always had the first choice, took things away from her, etc. … and now she has HER baby she's not going to let anyone else have her.

The only thing you can do is watch her to see if she starts to relax and get more comfortable after a while. If she continues with this possessiveness then encourage her to talk to her health visitor or doctor because it won't be good for the child. It will make her clingy and nervous too.

I hate rudeness on mumsnet but im sorry it is her baby shes 16weeks old and shes her first baby!
Why do grandparents and aunties think the ahve any right ti hold a baby or be near it my mum used to rip.my baby out of my arms . Leave ger alone shes getting used to being a mum

I’ve always refused to do pass the parcel with my children at family events, one person has a hold and before you know it an entire room of people are passing your poor baby along like a doll. I also wouldn’t let anyone who smokes near my children, I’m lucky no one I know smokes but I’d have no issues refusing to let someone who does be around my children. The only people with the issue here is you and your siblings. You aren’t entitled to hold or dictate about anyone else’s child whether or not they are your niece or nephew (you really should proof read if you are changing the sex in your posts). Her child her rules.

Give her time. If that’s how she wants it nobody should interfere. There will come a time when she will allow people in.

The OP's sister will be posting on here in a few years time complaining that her family and friends don't take any interest in her child. No surprise really, if they've been shunned all this time.

4 months is still actually very little, I’d give it longer & be very chilled. Focus on helping her & not holding the baby. The time will come. Maybe she wants them to be more robust ie able to sit etc before being passed over. Could def be post part in anxiety too or just preference. Things will change. Don’t be sad. Just supportive. Pressuring her to do something she doesn’t want to do, even in gentle small ways will only push her the other way whether it’s her preference or if it’s post partum anxiety. Support the mum is top priority

Ugh clotted cream you are creeping me out. How self absorbed!

My gt granddaughter was passed and held by everyone in the family. Daddy is Italian with extended family. She is three now and the most happy, social, outgoing tot you could meet. I hope your sister finds a happy medium.

The OP's sister will be posting on here in a few years time complaining that her family and friends don't take any interest in her child. No surprise really, if they've been shunned all this time.

What, so you have to 'buy' later interest in your child from your family by letting them hold her appropriate amounts in its first four months according to some batshit set of rules, otherwise they count themselves as 'shunned' and ignore said child for the rest of its sad and lonely life? Right.

Luckily no one told my family this. I was living in another country when my son was born, and he was considerably older than the OP's niece by the time he even met some of my siblings.

I suppose this could be a sign of an overprotective mother, but I find it quite surprising that this would bother you that much. I also find it a bit annoying when children ask or expect to hold babies. My children have enjoyed holding babies in some occasions but that was after parents themselves offered. I didn’t mind people or children under supervision holding my babies, but I would never expect this to be the case with other parents. Very self-centred to read this situation through the needs of family members who can’t hold the baby! Can’t believe something like this might cause a rift!

My kids were only held by myself and DH until crawling age (8 mos) because we did attachment parenting. We’re not crazy. Part of our decision was we felt child should be old enough to indicate consent to any physical touching
Possibly one of the biggest piles of shite I’ve read on MN!
An 8 mths old indicating consent? Aye ok 🙄

@user4627462167123

I have PND (although I’m really not a fan of the label - after going through an exhausting 10 months of pregnancy, a traumatic birth and then months on end of sleep deprivation whilst doing the hardest job I’ve ever done makes me amazed anyone is anything other than overwhelmed, tearful, anxious, low at times etc).

I digress - I’m not a fan of others expecting to hold my baby, although plenty have held her. To me it is a lot about control and feeling like it’s my choice and I’m not being pressured into it - even just knowing people really want to hold her really put me off offering. I have a difficult relationship with my family so having them all around wanting to be near has been difficult for me at times. My relationship with them would probably look quite normal on the surface as I have made my peace with my feelings and am trying to keep up the boundaries I feel OK with. My sister was quite possessive and controlling of me growing up and she has wanted to hold my baby a lot. I guess what I’m hearing in your posts, is your continued desire to help is still motivated with YOU wanting to hold her baby and YOU wanting to bond with your niece because it’s nice for YOU. Even in you saying you’re taking on peoples advice about focusing on her, you still said you’d be bringing it up again as a discuss with your sister. The concern for her seems to be secondary to the desire for you to bond with her daughter, even though I can see there is also a genuine concern.

Do you instigate all the visits to her house or is she asking you to come over? I guess I’m wondering if your sister feels as close to you as you feel to her and whether she is too tired to keep saying no to your offers of help. My sister is always offering to help and although she can be lovely and genuinely helpful, often the angle is wanting to see my DD and play with her rather than it primarily being about wanting to help me so that puts me on edge. It’s always ‘I can take DD’ etc rather than ‘I’ll cook you some food/do some cleaning’.

I guess what I’m trying to say badly is that even if you are respecting her boundaries on the surface, if it’s clear you are really itching to get hold of her DD it might make her feel much more possessive and want to let you hold her less. For me it can feel like having to give in to what other people want rather than respect my own boundaries and just do what I really feel comfortable with. I have let plenty of people hold my DD but I do feel anxious when they do and after what feels like a very long time for me, but is probably actually a very short time, do want her back. Taking her to a childminder for the first time this week was very difficult!

I have had mental health support from day 0 (pre day 0) as I have long standing MH issues and have found the mental health nurse, nursery nurse and family therapy very supportive and helpful (psychiatrist less so at times but he’s respected my decision to not take medication).

So there is help out there if she needs it and new mums are a priority, but I think the conversation needs to change dramatically. Like others have said, don’t mention holding the baby, offer to help in other ways and genuinely mean it. I think when you are in new parent state, even everyone’s offers can feel quite overwhelming and I often just wanted everyone to back off and just leave me alone. Perhaps that makes me one of the mumsnet freaks or selfish bitches but perhaps let her know you’re there but then back off a bit and she’ll come to you?

Mental health is all in your own head. Your doing it to yourself. Relax and give yourself a break before your head explodes, your children won't thank you for being a bunch of neurotic parents.

MN seems to have people on it who live in some kind of parallel universe!
So glad I don't know some of you in real life. Are there REALLY people who ban family members from holding their four month old baby? And are there REALLY others who think this is OK?

Don't agree with any of the posts saying this is normal. Its not. V sad but I don't know what you can do. V weird

Is the baby her first? It maybe that your sister has some anxiety around not wanting her out of sight and being held by other people, who knows what your sister has read or heard to make her feel like this. X

It seems crazy, my daughter’s 20 months, but this was me. I had PND and Post Natal Anxiety and this was one of my symptoms.

For me it came down to bonding, I couldn’t cope with the thought of her being held by someone else. With my sister who I always was very close to, and we look very alike, I worried that the baby would think she’s her mummy. My bond just wasn’t there, I also hated people trying and failing to settle her and having to watch on just to let them ‘give it a go’.

The smoking thing I understand, for me it was a control thing, being able to say no on this issue made me feel more like I was the mum in charge.

Note I feel much better now but the bond is still forming, and as my daughter gets more independent and close to other people those insecure feelings still flare. I really hope your sister lets you get close to your niece. It takes a village to raise a child they say x