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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 03/08/2019 00:06

4 months and no one is to hold her?? Only on MN is this normal . It definitely sounds like a fear or other feeling that has tipped over into the extreme zone . Not sure what you can do depending on your relationship. Can you talk to her partner ?

Justaboy · 03/08/2019 00:25

My DD2 's daughter now 7 months is handed around from pillar to post! Shes got a wonderfull immune system, never seems to mind who's picked her up is a very happy giggly little girl who everyone loves to bits:)

And thats been going on since she was born!

QuestionableMouse · 03/08/2019 00:26

@Ivestoppedreadingthenews

Believe me, it wasn't my/our first choice. my BIL tried, my mam tried, my dad tried but she was adament she was okay. We all knew she wasn't and her anxiety over the baby was just getting worse (to the point where she wouldn't leave the house or if she did leave, DN had to be in his pram with the hood up and a pram cover (cosy toes?) thing on so no-one could see him. Or in a sling but covered up. She admits now that she needed help but couldn't say that at the time.

EdtheBear · 03/08/2019 00:40

Op I think you are right to be concerned. I too have wondered if there is a back story of losses or fertility treatments.

What is BIL thinking have you spoken to him about your concerns?

To poster with little baby with afro, who just sounds adorable. I've never minded granny types talking to my babies. Baby's are a huge reminder that life goes on.

LovePoppy · 03/08/2019 02:25

@Smileyaxolotl1 if someone can only get that joy by holding a baby and not just visiting /seeing that child, I’d worry for their sanity. It goes both ways.

Mum might be being a bit precious, but that is her choice.
I dreaded handing over my children. People never gave them back and kept telling me they were fine and I should go away and relax.

I stopped offering to let them hold my child. Why would I offer? They obviously thought their feelings were more important than my child’s needs.

For the record, I have an excellent relationship with my parents, I’m not dead inside, nor did I have post partum issues. I just wanted to hold my much wanted and cherished children. I didn’t have children to give extended family joy. I’m not a joy incubator

LovePoppy · 03/08/2019 02:27

No one is criticising mums who are thrilled to hand their babies off and accusing them of not liking their kids or not being bonded and they must hate their kids and have issues

Why are so many quick to judge a mum who is wanting to keep their child close?

Mothership4two · 03/08/2019 03:11

OP knows what it is like to have a baby of her own - she said she has children. She is not badgering, she said she quietly mentioned it would be nice to have a cuddle. This behaviour isnt usual. The OP isn't upset because she can't play with the new toy, she is concerned for her sister. She may just be ultra cautious or there may be something deeper going on and OP is asking for advice.

I have never come across a mum not wanting close family to hold the baby.

Mothership4two · 03/08/2019 03:44

Why are so many quick to judge a mum who is wanting to keep their child close?

I don't think anyone is (certainly not the OP) tbh. It's not judgment, it's concern. For no-one to have held the baby by 4 months other than the parents (not even god-parents at the christening) is not usual behaviour. The OP is looking out for her sister.

Mothership4two · 03/08/2019 03:50

@WorraLiberty it's pretty obvious what Teddybear45 is saying

Mothership4two · 03/08/2019 03:52

@Bookworm4

MN is a very strange world - a paralell universe with nutters Grin

StoppinBy · 03/08/2019 04:00

Maybe you don't hold the baby in a way that she feels safe? I probably looked and sounded just like your sister because I didn't like my grandma (in her 90's) or father in law holding our babies as they were so blasé about it and no matter what you said they didn't change - my fil would just say 'so, she/he's not going to fall' etc. Once they were more able to hold themselves up I relaxed a bit. Sorry to say it but I wouldn't have even considered letting a young teen hold my new baby either.

YABU because you don't actually have a right to hold the bab just because you want to and neither do your kids or other family members.

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 03/08/2019 04:12

listen to yourself. “My sister had my dear niece”. She had HER first baby. It’s her choice how she cares and protects her baby. There is potentially so anxiety issues going on, but is she telling you she’s stressed? Anxious? Super tired? Exhausted? Because otherwise it comes down to you realising your expectations are the issue here. Not allowing others hold her baby can seem odd. But until she’s ready, it’s not yours place to say

PhoenixBuchanan · 03/08/2019 04:26

This isn't normal behaviour on the mother's part. The baby isn't 4 weeks, he's 4 months. To not have let close family hold him yet, indicates massive anxiety or something else going on. Only on MN would this be considered a normal, protective, maternal reaction.

Waytooearly · 03/08/2019 09:03

Well who cares if it's normal. It's what the mother wants and it's not harming anyone.

The OP is going on and on about "Why can't I cuddle my niece, I want cuddles, babies need cuddles, I don't understand". And picked up her niece once anyway at her brother's instigation? Weird.

I am sure that if I refused once to let a family member hold my baby, and their response was "But why? I want to! Babies! Why? Can I hold him now?! How about now? Do you have mental health problems?!" That would totally get my back up and make me less inclined to hand the baby over.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 09:09

It’s odd, but it’s her decision. And I would definitely not appreciate people suggesting I was suffering from PND because I didn’t want them to hold my baby. As for speaking to her HV behind her back... God, I wouldn’t have someone in my home again who did that.

saraclara · 03/08/2019 09:10

@Wattooearly, it's almost as if you're reading a different OP from me.

The point is that the mother might not be well. So this isn't necessarily a decision that doesn't involve harm.
Her sister cares about her, and as she's brought up three babies of her own, she's seeing warning signs. They may or may not be significant, which is why she's asked for help here.

So yes, whether this behaviour is normal or not, IS important.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 09:11

Watch your sister carefully. Can you see a change in behaviour to suggest PND? Alternatively does she take the baby away for all clothing / nappy changes / does the baby have unexplained bruises?

So she is abusing the baby now? Hmm

Waytooearly · 03/08/2019 09:14

Saying someone "might not be well" based only on the fact that they won't comply with a request is actually pretty sinister.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 09:16

Saying someone "might not be well" based only on the fact that they won't comply with a request is actually pretty sinister.

It is, isn’t it? There is an enormous amount of judgement of new mothers disguised as “concern” about “red flags”.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 09:17

Quite a few Nurse Ratchets on here.

saraclara · 03/08/2019 09:21

She's not 'not complying with a request', she's refusing to let anyone hold her child. Not even the priest at the Christening. And it's been four months.

I think the OP knows her sister better than any of us, and if she feels there's something wrong, it's fine for her to express that here. And plenty of people have said that they'd wished someone had cared enough to express concern when they had PND that they hadn't yet been able to tell anyone about.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 09:22

I think the OP knows her sister better than any of us, and if she feels there's something wrong, it's fine for her to express that here. And plenty of people have said that they'd wished someone had cared enough to express concern when they had PND that they hadn't yet been able to tell anyone about.

The OP’s first post is all about her, not her sister and her imaginary PND.

avocadotofu · 03/08/2019 09:25

If there are a lot of people around she may not want to have her baby passed around to lots of different people. Have you visited by yourself? I wasn't inclined to let people hold my son when there were lots of people around because he got handed to lots of different people and got distressed.

Waytooearly · 03/08/2019 09:30

Yes she's refusing when people ask to hold her child. A decision that causes absolutely no harm to anyone.

Hang on... she's refusing... when people ask... when people request... it's almost like she's refusing to comply with a request!

And we all know that when a woman's not compliant, she must be crazy.

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 09:34

And we all know that when a woman's not compliant, she must be crazy.

😂

Nice.