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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
Grinchly · 03/08/2019 09:59

I have the opposite problem! I can't bear holding babies- and dread being offered - but am too scared to admit this in front of itsMother in RL. They always sense my lack of confidence and start shrieking and puking and as for that weird striving thing they do with their limbs when they're having a shit. Yuck! Maybe I should take up smokingGrin

That aside, I'm sorry your sister's attitude is upsetting you OP. She does sound a bit uptight.

AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 10:21

@Waytooearly
“We all know when a woman is not compliant, she must be crazy”

Agree 100%. This thread could have been written in Victorian times about a lady refusing to let a wet nurse breastfeed her child. Back then, if a lady wanted to breastfeed her own child, she was considered to abnormally attached to her baby, thus suffering from a sort of post natal anxiety. In addition, they thought such mollycoddling of the infant could even harm the baby.

200yrs later and it’s the same theme. A mum who hardly ever lets others hold her baby, dear lord! She must be mad!

AngelasAshes · 03/08/2019 10:30

It’s enough stress being a new mum without relatives pressuring you to do as they did with their children. My kids were only held by myself and DH until crawling age (8 mos) because we did attachment parenting. We’re not crazy. Part of our decision was we felt child should be old enough to indicate consent to any physical touching. At crawling age they can clearly communicate when they do or do not want a cuddle.

LovePoppy · 03/08/2019 10:49

@saraclara but OP HAS held the baby. Twice. She counted. 🙄

It’s understandable that she express worry, but she’s worried that a new mum won’t just hand over the baby to extended family. Because she wants the cuddles. She’s super focused on needing cuddles

If people need baby cuddles that badly they should have more of their own babies.

@Waytooearly I want to laugh at your not compliant = crazy comment, but it’s too true and makes me too sad

@Mothership4two other people HAVE held the baby. Just not as often as they want. But let’s be honest. Their wants shouldn’t matter. But now, because mum won’t give them what they want, she must have issues. That’s judging. If I’m generous it’s maybe from a kind place, but it’s judging. Everyone saying how weird it is? Judging.

Clappyhapper · 03/08/2019 10:54

Mumsnet is such a strange place. Of course yanbu. Most families want to share the joy of a new baby, everyone loves a cuddle. Op has clearly been respectful. Only on mumsnet can every comment be interpreted in the most sinister way.
I think your sister has anxiety issues. I’d perhaps speak gently to her husband, in a casual drop it in convo sort of way.

barryfromclareisfit · 03/08/2019 11:16

Her baby, her choice. Back off and let the mother do it her way. If you respect her now, your relationship will grow and develop.

LovePoppy · 03/08/2019 11:50

@Clappyhapper you’re right
Very strange place. So nice that instead of trusting a mum might have reasons , its instead that she’s unwell that she won’t share the baby she had and is required to allow other people to cuddle 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
user4627462167123 · 03/08/2019 13:09

@saraclara thank you very much, I really do love my sister and this is why I came to mumsnet. A lot of people seem to think I am making demands- I can promise you I am not. I have first hand experience of the pressures of family coming by to see the baby, being exhausted and wanting nothing more than to tell them to go away because I need a rest. I was also protective of my own children (at the time my sister thought me and DH were OTT) but at this point she didn't have children of her own. At the beginning- the first few weeks and even the first couple of months, I actively encouraged my sister before she had the baby to have boundaries and let people (myself included!) know if she was tired, not feeling up to visitors, needed help etc, as I (and my other siblings) have been there ourselves. But by 4 months I would have thought she may have relaxed a little and been feeling a bit more herself. Thank you all for your advice.

OP posts:
CamdenLoaf · 03/08/2019 13:17

But she’s not on your schedule. If there are no actual signs she’s distressed, your desire to hold the baby can take a backseat for a few more months, surely.

spam390 · 03/08/2019 14:07

YANBU at all.

I'm all for parental rights blah blah blah...............but being unable to allow any close family member to hold DC for 4 bloody months with absolutely NO valid reason screams of poor mental health !

It's WAY beyond the normal. Anyone would understand if there was any valid reason (e.g smokers, drinkers etc) but even then, 4 months is an extremely long time to be so scarily anxious and unwilling to relinquish her DC for even 5 mins.

A new baby should be a joy for the whole family, it is not a fragile snowflake to be possessive of as if everyone is untrustworthy. Frankly it's insulting to the family. Also may mean the family do not develop as close a bond with DC as they would when the mum has excluded from them birth from having a cuddle and developing closeness through physical contact.

I know there will be a lot of MNers who will cry ' it's the mothers prerogative !' and say it's not right for people to play 'pass the parcel' with a newborn and I GET IT, totally truly and absolutely get that. I'm all for mums making their own decisions concerning their offspring and being careful of bugs/ germs blah blah....and that is as it should be. Totally, 100% agree.

BUT 4 months of flat refusal to everyone, particularly close family members is NOT OK !!!! It's not normal or average or common, at all !

She quite obviously is not OK and needs some help, whether it be from family, health visitor or GP.

I'd suggest maybe quietly broaching the subject with her partner/ husband and go from there. Maybe he can broach the subject or talk to her health visitor ?

I would be very careful how you approach the problem as the last thing she needs is to feel as if 'everyone' has been discussing her.

xx

CamdenLoaf · 03/08/2019 14:34

Frankly it's insulting to the family. Also may mean the family do not develop as close a bond with DC as they would when the mum has excluded from them birth from having a cuddle and developing closeness through physical contact.

Yeah, no family member will ever be able to bond with a child unless they've had regular physical contact with him or her since birth. Hmm

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/08/2019 14:45

It’s weird , if she’s doing some sort of extreme attachment parenting then why not just say

I’ve never known any parent be so extreme that their own sister has only held the baby twice in 4 months

herculepoirot2 · 03/08/2019 15:04

A new baby should be a joy for the whole family, it is not a fragile snowflake to be possessive of as if everyone is untrustworthy.

A new baby is the sole responsibility of its parents. Nobody else gets a say unless the parents are okay with that.

CamdenLoaf · 03/08/2019 15:13

A significant minority of posters seem weirdly aggrieved as if their human rights are infringed by someone not handing them their baby an allotted number of times. Maybe it should be logged with the magic police 101 number.

EatenByDinosaurs · 03/08/2019 15:13

Frankly it's insulting to the family. Also may mean the family do not develop as close a bond with DC as they would when the mum has excluded from them birth from having a cuddle and developing closeness through physical contact.

No, this is insulting. It's insulting to foster parents, adoptive parents and step parents. Ffs.

saraclara · 03/08/2019 15:15

Kids as possessions. That's healthy.

It takes a village. Or at least a loving extended family.

saraclara · 03/08/2019 15:19

Of course no-one has a right to hold a baby. But in truth, I have never, ever, come across someone who has never had anyone other than their partner hold their baby, for four whole months.

So yes, I'd find it weird, and if the person was someone I knew well, loved, and knew to be otherwise quite normal, I would worry about their state of mind.

I have no idea where all these people who think it's okay are coming from. Certainly not my world.

CamdenLoaf · 03/08/2019 16:09

But in truth, I have never, ever, come across someone who has never had anyone other than their partner hold their baby, for four whole months.

But how does the OP (who I think has actually held the baby a couple of times) know that literally no one has ever held it? Has she got CCTV on the unfortunate infant? Are the entire extended family comparing notes on their attempts?

I have 11 nephews and nieces, and this thread is making me cast my mind back to whether I held them when they were four months. I'm not sure I did, or not much -- probably primarily if asked, or if it was useful in some way, but I certainly wasn't hanging around looking significant saying 'A cuddle would be nice'. And DH and I are close to many of them now they're teens and adults, so it had no negative effect there.

I really can't help feeling it's some kind of power thing with the OP -- it's not as if the baby is missing out on not being held by its aunt, and she's got a lifetime to bond with her. If a 'rift' is developing, she's the one creating it.

Or maybe her sister and her husband find the whole Must Have Family Cuddles thing hilarious, and have a bet on with one another as to how long they can keep it going.

PhoenixBuchanan · 03/08/2019 16:22

It takes a village. Or at least a loving extended family.

This is what I was thinking. Throughout the whole of human history, it would not be normal for a mother to guard a baby so closely. The extended family/community absolutely would have played an active role in caring for a baby, even at four months and beforehand. Sure, this mother may not have mental health issues, but this is still extremely unusual behaviour.

Rainonmyguitar · 03/08/2019 16:47

Why are so many quick to judge a mum who is wanting to keep their child close?*

Because it's weird and controlling, although understandable if there's PND involved.

Rainonmyguitar · 03/08/2019 16:53

The OP’s first post is all about her, not her sister and her imaginary PND

Is it a Mumsnet crime now to talk about how hurt your are if it involves someone else? OP said she feels sad about this situation, what's wrong with that?

CallmeAngelina · 03/08/2019 16:54

Just when I think MN can't get any more crazy, I go and click on a thread like this!
Wtf is the matter with all these people who think that it's some sort of weird thing to want to hold a close relative's baby.
How very sad.

Rainonmyguitar · 03/08/2019 16:59

My kids were only held by myself and DH until crawling age (8 mos) because we did attachment parenting. We’re not crazy. Part of our decision was we felt child should be old enough to indicate consent to any physical touching

FFS. Honest to god, weirdest thing I've ever read. This just screams 'my baby's more precious than your baby and I'm so superior'...or ishoooos.

LoafofSellotape · 03/08/2019 17:11

Oh dear Lord Hmm

IceRebel · 03/08/2019 17:12

Part of our decision was we felt child should be old enough to indicate consent to any physical touching

This doesn't make sense though, as i'm sure you would have initiated unnecessary cuddles and physical touching without their consent. So really it was just a case of do as I say, but the rules don't apply to me.

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