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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something to my sister about my niece

284 replies

user4627462167123 · 02/08/2019 18:07

I honestly dont know aibu? My sister had my little niece 4 months ago, since birth he has been healthy, not had any issues or health problems. However, she is very possessive and doesn't like anyone holding the baby. She is very reluctant to let myself or my other brother or sisterr hold her, to the point where it has been awkward on a couple of occasions. At his christening, she didnt let one single person hold him and refused anybody that asked. None of us smoke or drink, we all wash and sanitise our hands before we even go near him. She won't let anyone that smokes in the vicinity of my niece, she won't let them go near her belongings, or be in the same car or same room as my niece. She hasn't let me children- one of which is a teenager- or my brother's children (who are of a similar age and a bit younger) hold her yet. When I have tried to quietly mention that it would be nice to have a cuddle she becomes defence and says the baby is tired etc, even though he is wide awake!! Its starting to become an issue and I dont know what to do. If I say something I am worried that it will cause a rift, as when I have gently mentioned things before she has gotten very defensive. There is no backstory, we have always been close- i have three children of my own so I know what it feels like to have a baby and also how to look after them! Just any advice, as I dont want to hurt her feelings but I am sad as I just want to get close to my little niece.

OP posts:
manicmij · 03/08/2019 20:33

Just leave her to it. Sure there will be a day when she needs someone to hold on to her baby hopefully highlighting how unreasonable she is being. What will she do if a medical professional has to touch the baby? We all know they are covered in germs! Give her a couple more opportunities to share, if no joy, forget about trying to change her mind.

spam390 · 03/08/2019 20:44

@ CamdenLoaf

'Yeah, no family member will ever be able to bond with a child unless they've had regular physical contact with him or her since birth. hmm'

Oh sure, so you think close family bonds are created by looks alone ???
Have you NEVER held/ cuddled/ kissed your DH or DC ? Let alone your DM, DD, DGP etc etc

There's no way you can form a close bond with an infant who cannot talk without physical contact ! Sheeesh, I kinda thought that was obvious ! Apparently not :(

Of course in time ( a very bloody LONG time) the extended family will form a bond with the child, but not until the child is walking/ talking and they can interact with him/her. And waiting until then to be able to form a bond IS NOT BLOODY NORMAL !

Think of it like this, if you were to adopt/ foster an infant and the social worker was told that the grandparents/ aunts & uncles etc ' hadn't been allowed to even hold the infant in 4 MONTHS, then I'm afraid that social worker would be VERY worried about the parents state of mind and their ability to cope !

It doesn't make any difference whether the child is their own or adopted, the level of anxiety/ fear is very clearly over the top.

This mother needs professional help and understanding. What she does NOT need is her whole family pretending that her fears are totally normal !

saraclara · 03/08/2019 21:01

It's weird that it's those who think it's impossible to let someone else hold their baby, that think it's possible for other close family to bond with it without holding it.

Either bonding depends on physical closeness or it doesn't.

MasterchefMeansRiceKrispiesFor · 03/08/2019 21:02

While I understand your concerns, I totally understand your sister-in-laws worries too. I hated handing around my daughter (long time ago now). I did it as the expectation was there but really wish I’d gone your sil’s way. She was always so overstimulated by guests it totally put her out and made her a mardy nightmare for the rest of the day. Be patient with her and let her parent her own way. You’ll get plenty of cuddles in the future.

Superfoodie123 · 03/08/2019 21:05

I see why that might be frustrating, I also thought this may be an anxiety issue. Agree with others that you should be sensitive about her wishes and I think it's a healthy sign in some ways that she's bonded with baby.

But I also in hindsight wish I was a bit more like that with my DD. I let everyone hold her/pass her around when those first few months just to prove I wasn't a clingy mum but deep down I didn't like it. Obviously a break once in a while was nice but sometimes people would come round to cuddle her and I was the one making teas when it should be the other way around.

spam390 · 03/08/2019 21:13

@ CamdenLoaf

'like a PP, I didn't. I was extremely good at covering it up from everyone, including the HV, my GP and my husband -- and myself.''

Your earlier post about not recognising that you yourself had PND explains why you see nothing wrong with OP sister's behaviour :(

I'm sorry you experienced PND, and I'm very glad you've gotten better.

However I think it's irresponsible of you to argue that the OP's sister is acting normally when she clearly is extremely OTT (anxious/ PND or whatever the problem is).

WyfOfBathe · 03/08/2019 21:50

Mental health is all in your own head.
So is brain cancer. It being in your head doesn't make it less real.

Whywouldyoudothat1 · 03/08/2019 22:04

One of the things that’s confused me most about this post is that you can’t seem to decide if it’s your niece or nephew!
I know you said that your original post was typing errors but in most of your replies you’ve put him or he! Him is a very different type to her 🤨
Or maybe it’s a him but your trying to write niece to not get outted?!

Boots20 · 03/08/2019 22:08

I was exactly like this with my second born (but not my first or third strangely) I was terrified of anyone holding him! Especially if they were wearing perfume or smoked cigarettes etc. My main worry was that he would get germs or get sick, this went on until he was about 5months. I just couldn't bare anyone holding him! I'm still slightly over protective with him to this day. I do have anxiety & am a real worrier x

Hulahola · 03/08/2019 22:28

As a new mother, I can tell you there is nothing worse than feeling judged. Judged for not wanting to hand over your baby to every person who steps over the door to visit. To have a watchful eye over your newborn baby at all times. It's a natural instinct. I make no apologies for it. Your sister shouldn't have to either.

Dra1972 · 03/08/2019 22:38

This reply has been deleted

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PetraRabbit · 03/08/2019 22:45

YABU. You don't need to hold a baby or take possession of him/her in any way to get to know him/her. I'm not that in to holding other people's babies- even my own nieces and nephews- and now they're older I have good relationships with all of them. I agree with a PP that you might be getting her back up by pushing the issue, and her reaction might be to decide you don't get to choose who holds HER baby. Also her mothering instinct might just be strongly pulling her towards a tight bond with her own baby in these early vulnerable months. Basically everything @powkin said !

HawaiianLion · 03/08/2019 22:50

Oh and I wouldn't appreciate anyone trying to figure out if I had PND. Or keeping an eye
In this day and age everyone knows about it and can talk to partners or professionals about it

People are only looking out for because they care. I had PND. I was 19 when my DC was born and lived with my DB and SIL. My DB mentioned to me a few times he thought I was depressed. I don't think so but during a check up my GP asked if I thought I was depressed, i replied no but my DB thinks i am. She helped me fill in a questionnaire and I left with antidepressants. Keep an eye on on your sister OP she too may think it is normal after giving birth.

CountryGirl1234 · 03/08/2019 23:10

I was a little like this to be honest. Not to the same degree and our little one has a great relationship with her grandparents. That’s said I wasn’t comfortable with handing our little bundle over to people early on, I got better and around 5-6 months relaxed much more and as time has gone on even better.
If she’s anxious she’ll be thinking worst case. I would ask her how it’s going and get her to open up a bit, she may share that she in anxious. Then maybe you could say “well I’d love to hold but when your ready and however long you are ready for.”..
she may take the jump. And it’ll do her good

CamdenLoaf · 03/08/2019 23:21

@spam390. Brilliant deduction, but at no point did my PND express itself in a reluctance to let other people hold DS. By the time DS was four months, I was recovered and happily back at work, and DS was at a childminder’s.

There’s no real evidence from the OP as to whether her sister is unwell, or only making a parenting decision the OP finds irksome. I’m only pointing out that it’s not actually harming anyone.

Catsinthecupboard · 04/08/2019 02:24

@Dra1972

Please look up the sciences of psychology and psychiatry? Mental health care issues are not about being "precious."

This is not 1800s!

Yeahnahmum · 04/08/2019 07:21

A 4 month old never been held by anyone else except for her mum (and dad?) Haha
No that is not normal. She is way too overprotective. This will come to bite her in the ass in a year or so when the kid has major seperation anxiety and she wants a break. Haha

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 07:30

@user4627462167123
No. What you did was unusual.

I have had babies, I have grandchildren and I have friends who had babies. In our world it is normal to have a cuddle with babies.

It's not Pass the Parcel, it's normal, gentle interaction and imo good for the baby to see different faces. They always know their mum and they start to recognise other people too.

All this keeping your child totally to yourself is not the norm in any society I can think of.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2019 07:32

Sorry. Phone gas done wrong @ again!
Should gave been to @AngelasAshes

mathanxiety · 04/08/2019 07:49

Yeahnahmum every baby who has a healthy relationship with a primary caregiver goes through periods of separation anxiety. A healthy bond can be established by consistent, loving response to the baby's cues, so that the baby learns that the world is a place where her needs will be met.

You can't prevent separation anxiety by getting the baby used to being held by many different people. Nor should you have this as your aim.

It's the baby who never seems to have any separation anxiety who you should be very concerned about - that baby has never established a strong bond with a primary caregiver.

Teachermaths · 04/08/2019 07:55

@angelasashes
Your attachment parenting is the biggest load of bollocks I have ever read. An 8 month old can't consent to anything. I bet your family rolled their eyes and never babysit.

OP YANBU. Something isn't sitting right with you. Perhaps you can speak to your sisters dp re PND? I think your sisters actions fall into the unusual end of the parenting spectrum.

mathanxiety · 04/08/2019 08:18

Hopefully the Dsis will give a nice big eyeroll when the OP approaches her with 'concerns' about PND.

Pathologising the normal protectiveness of mothers toward their babies isn't new so I am not surprised to see it, but it is still a shock to see women refusing to accept that the experiences of others can be different from theirs but still well within the bounds of normal.

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 09:25

@Teachermaths
“angelasashes
Your attachment parenting is the biggest load of bollocks I have ever read. An 8 month old can't consent to anything. I bet your family rolled their eyes and never babysit.”

Well aren’t you the paragon of tolerance! Personally, I think the lie of Father Christmas is damaging to kids trust of their parents. But I would never say what you have said to me.

Oh, as for family rolling their eyes never happened. In fact my sister did the same with her kids too.

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 09:34

@Nanny0gg
“No. What you did was unusual

All this keeping your child totally to yourself is not the norm in any society I can think of.”

You are confusing societal norm “normal” with different but not bat shit crazy “normal”

Yes, attachment parenting is unusual, but it’s not omg you have a mental illness abnormal. For example only 2% of parents have a homebirth. Homebirth is not the norm and is unusual because a minority choose it. But those 2% who choose homebirth are not accused of being mentally ill or child endangerment.

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 09:36

@mathanxiety
Great posts...all of them!