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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/08/2019 18:07

Oh yes, definitely a lock for that bedroom door. And hide everything you don't want snooped on or used. And yes, that's more work. Annoying.

ditheringdorothy · 02/08/2019 18:07

Jeepers - just say no! For crying out loud, life's too short, you owe these CFs nothing if they ordinarily don't bother with you at all! Seriously, be assertive and tell them where to go.

Candymay · 02/08/2019 18:08

Yes cancel this for the cats’ sake if nothing else! Honestly I’d sooner lose the holiday- and the in-laws- rather than allow this. I’m so worried on your behalf that I need to get off Mumsnet. My nerves can’t stand it.

BlankTimes · 02/08/2019 18:09

Womanup OP, now is the time to put on your Big Girl Pants and shout a loud, resounding Nooooooooooooooo!

I'd be seriously concerned that it would invalidate my house insurance and say no.
I'd be seriously concerned about my cats and say no.
I'd be seriously concerned about them trashing my house and say no.

My concern would outweigh their disdain by about 100 to 1, so I wouldn't care.

OP, you know you can't let them stay, not any of them, something bad will happen if they do, it's bound to and it's likely not to be easily fixable and costly. There was a post the other day about a visiting (not even staying) child at someone's house who left a tap running upstairs and caused the floor and ceiling underneath the sink to buckle and sag. Another where a workman stood a vac in front of a TV and the vac fell onto the TV and broke it. Stuff happens.
That's without the general wear and tear of having so many people and kids in one house. Food trodden into carpets, people eating in bed, does anyone smoke? Will anyone get drunk or be ill?

Just say NO!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2019 18:10

Say no and get a Ring doorbell. Let the iLs know exactly what it is and what it does and that you are able to see every single person who enters or exits the house in real time 24/7. But don't give them the Ring code to shut off notifications. That way they'll know they can't sneak SiLs in.

Or say yes but set down strict rules and tell the iLs that you'll be doing a 'before and after' walk through and that the iLs will be responsible for paying for any damage or loss of property and for cleaning above the usual post-guest clean. If you tell the iLs they're liable it may make them police their daughters & DGC a little closer.

IdaDown · 02/08/2019 18:12

Why are you worried about causing a fall out?

They’re the CFs.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your ILs suggested the get together - a nice cheap holiday in London.

Your house is good enough to visit, but not you.

starfishmummy · 02/08/2019 18:12

Tell them your holiday is cancelled. Bit if sobbing wont go amiss. Then put the cats in a cattery, change the door locks (if any of them have keys) and go away safe in the knowledge that if they do turn up they cant get in.

BinkyBaa · 02/08/2019 18:12

Bizarre arrangement but I understand where you're coming from feeling like you'll lose contact with that whole side of the family if you say no. Maybe some of those covert pet cameras that connect to your phone for the living room and hall would be in order for piece of mind that the cats are all safe and only the people you expect to be there are there?
I'm not sure what the general opinion is around putting spy cameras up is, but it's your house and they're being CFs so I'm not sure it really matters.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2019 18:13

I wouldn't do it, with that amount of door fall, the cats might freak and run out an open door,
Plus who pays for damages? I can't believe that any family would think this a good idea, yet alone have the brass neck to ask.

Drum2018 · 02/08/2019 18:14

Of course you don't have to suck it up. I'd tell your Dh to send a message telling them all that you have thought about it and decided the easiest thing is to get a neighbour/friend to call in on the cats as it would be too much organising to have the house ready for so many visitors. No way would I have my house used as a bloody hostel while I was away and guaranteed they'll all be there together using whatever rooms they want, and try to cover it up.

MancaroniCheese · 02/08/2019 18:16

God no, book a house sitter, fake something that means the house is unliveable, like a flood, they are so taking the piss.

Howyiz · 02/08/2019 18:16

As others have said, put a lick on your bedroom door, put whatever you don't want people to nose through in there and then let them to it.

PonderingPanda · 02/08/2019 18:17

Well personally OP, l think you're probably going to have a crap holiday as all you'll be thinking about is what is happening in your home, whether they are all there and have used your room....and all the housework/laundry you'll have on your return.

romeoonthebalcony · 02/08/2019 18:18

CFs! I've got a couple of discrete petcam type cameras that you can check into anytime via the smartphone. I'd have them on and let them know these are running. You can talk through them so if someone sneaks into your bedroom you can give them a nice surprise by shouting hello :-) Hopefully they'll behave then (the CFs, not the cats) - I'd definitely also say I have no time to clean up, change sheets etc before leaving. Also give them a really strong warning about not invaldiating your house insurance by being not careful with keys etc.

LatteLove · 02/08/2019 18:18

Aw OP, tell the cheeky cunts to fuck right off.

Bumbags · 02/08/2019 18:20

How awful

I would definitely say no but I don’t think you will now.

SunshineCake · 02/08/2019 18:22

Send them a text saying so you like my house but aren't so bothered about staying in it with me..

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 18:22

Say that it's too much stress to get the house visitor ready so forget it for now but that they are welcome to visit you another time when you would be able to see them...

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 02/08/2019 18:23

You are going to let this happen. They will all stay in the house at the same time, this has been planned. They will damage/break/mess up something because they have zero respect for you to ask for such a cheeky request when they haven’t bothered visiting you in years. They probably will spend some time laughing about your decor and going through your stuff, but you will let it happen as you don’t want to upset them!

Why do you worry about causing upset to people who clearly don’t give w shit about upsetting you?

They second sil asking has actually given you a simple out. “Im sorry since sil 2 has asked to stay and now it seems obvious that a large family holiday has been planned in my home. My home is not a sufficient size for this amount of people and my insurance will not cover it, so I will not allow people to stay in my home when I am not there. Please feel free to both come when I am home”

fraxion · 02/08/2019 18:23

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

Absolutely NOT! The second SIL inviting herself is enough for you to say no to all of them apart from your in-laws who are helping you out. No way would I suck it up, not a chance in hell.

managedmis · 02/08/2019 18:23

We live in a standard London terrace, although I love my home it’s nothing spectacular.

^

Aka a cheap London retreat for two weeks

Wtaf is wrong with these people

ILearnedItFromABook · 02/08/2019 18:27

You ( or maybe your husband) can still have "second thoughts" about any or all of it, and honestly, I don't think I'd care much if they were offended, under the circumstances. (Besides, the fact that you haven't heard back from SIL2 may well mean that she's already annoyed by your restrictions. She probably intended or still intends to come at the same time as her sister.)

If nothing else, I'd definitely lock my bedroom. It will also serve as a convenient place to stow away anything from around the house that you particularly want to protect or keep private. They'll think that's odd, no doubt, but who cares?!

Anniegetyourgun · 02/08/2019 18:28

I couldn't be doing with this.

I'm afraid family relations are going to be strained however you play it. Either they will be miffed with you for refusing, or you will be miffed with them when you come back and see your house looking, shall we say, extra lived-in. As for the cats, for whose benefit this was originally supposed to be, how are they going to cope with a large collection of unfamiliar people in their home (you said one group at least hadn't visited in years)? This is a bad idea on several levels. It's not about being mean.

Abouttimemum · 02/08/2019 18:28

I don’t understand house sitting. The house will still be there when you get back. Get someone too look after the cat.
This whole thing sounds like an utter nightmare.

PanamaPattie · 02/08/2019 18:28

You are being a doormat. I don't know why you asked the question if you were going to say yes anyway.

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