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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2019 04:32

Well it sounds like your MIL has her head screwed on the right way - she's said she'll keep them out of your bedroom, so that's one relief.
She's also said she'll make sure they don't all come at once - so hopefully she'll follow through on that too.

I would get your DH to message his mother (and possibly his sisters too) that you are both Very Worried that the cats will run off and get lost/hurt with that many people in the house - the whole point of your PILs coming was to keep the cats safe in their own home, and a huge number of other visitors will seriously jeopardise this.

If I were your MIL I wouldn't want to risk your cats' wellbeing, especially since that's the main reason they've been asked to house sit.

If you have mutual liking and respect with your PILs, things should work out fine but I totally agree that this is a never-to-be-repeated scenario, and that your SILs are both cheeky fuckers that they will only make the effort to come down to your home when you're not even fucking there. SO rude.

ZiggyB · 04/08/2019 04:46

Just tell them it's getting bloody ridiculous. It's your house, not an air bnb

This^^

Petlover9 · 04/08/2019 05:00

Say a good friend who is an animal lover (and veterinary nurse for good measure) has offered to have your pets, then book a decent cattery and tell the whole family that you will not need any “house sitters” after all. I would not want 9 people in my house for 2 weeks and if you have the first lot the others might come anyway. Just put a stop to it but make it clear that your pets are going away too so nobody is needed. Say you will invite them a few weeks after you return then forget about it, it is not as if they bother about you usually. I think they are a cheeky lot of arseholes.

RebootYourEngine · 04/08/2019 05:19

I feel a bit sorry for your PIL, by the sounds of MILs message they were looking forward to a relaxing few days by themselves.

I would send SILs a 'on second thoughts' message. Just say it's going to be too much for the cats. They aren't used to so many people, they will be stressed, there is also the added risk of them getting out of the house with so many people coming and going from the house.

TatianaLarina · 04/08/2019 07:43

OP you could have come through for MIL who seems as unassertive as you are.

She clearly didn’t want any of them!

She obviously feels bad for SIL but since when did that entitle anyone to a free holiday in someone’s house?

This time was the time to be assertive not next time.

WatchingTVagain · 04/08/2019 08:14

Think I would go down the house insurance route. You've been on to the insurance to check everything is still covered with you going away and someone house sitting. Option A - insurance say not covered for any damage/theft etc as no policy holder present (if you want no-one staying)
Option B - only covered for designated cat sitters, 2 at most (if you don't mind Pils staying and can trust them not to allow others in).
Personally I'd be spending the next few days getting cat vac and finding a cattery rather than getting house ready for 9 people.

Tooo · 04/08/2019 09:01

Christ that’s a massive piss take! Yes they’re using you, it’s completely out of order!

MsTSwift · 04/08/2019 09:06

Are you all seriously ok with all this lying? Op perfectly within her rights to decline but these suggestions to make up lie after lie make me uncomfortable. Do you all lie like this in your own lives? Look a family member in the eye and tell a lie about a cat loving friend or house insurance? It’s bollocks btw i house swap and the insurers fine with they just exclude theft by visitor. Just can’t stand lying.

Riverviews · 04/08/2019 09:09

Poor cats! Having 9 strangers running around in their territory. Mine would get extremely stressed.

Apart from that, just say no. The whole premise is ridiculous

Tistheseason17 · 04/08/2019 09:11

You can change your mind as PP mentions.

Then your PIL can have a break and you won't stress about your house.

As for straining relationships...? Didn't the SILs do this by putting the guilt trip on you? Don't feel guilty, just say, "on 2nd thoughts this is not going to work for us - let's rearrange for when we're home so we can have a lovely family get together"

PlinketyPlinketyPlonk · 04/08/2019 10:30

I once asked my DB to house sit / cat sit while I went on holiday. He was having a hard time and figured the break would do him good too. Allowed him to bring one friend.

Never again.

I got back to my house and DB was nowhere to be seen. My house was empty and left in a mess, things broken, dirty pots and bedding, a half eaten pizza going mouldy and worst of all - my cat not there either.

DB wouldn't answer my calls or respond to texts.

I discovered from NDN that he'd had hoards of friends round for one night of a party the night after I left, where they'd made a nuisance of themselves and then buggered off the day after and he didn't return after. I was away for 10 days!

My cat was a quiet shy gentle thing and he'd clearly been scared off. Luckily NDN saw him hanging around in my garden occasionally (obviously coming back every now and then to see if I'd returned) and fed and watered him for me.

It was two days after I returned home that I found my cat in the garden.

I was absolutely livid with DB and he avoided me for months. I've never let him stay in my home again and any future cat sitting was kindly carried out by a good friend and my lovely NDN.

I felt like such a fool and felt terrible for my poor cat who must've been so stressed.

I really think you should cancel your SILs and just stick with the PIL, even if it causes some bad feeling for a while. They'll get over it

CookPassBabtridge · 04/08/2019 10:49

@PlinketyPlinketyPlonk Gosh that's terrible, what was his excuse for leaving? Do you still talk to him now?

comingintomyown · 04/08/2019 10:54

What ? Wait, relatives who haven’t been for ages want to visit while you aren’t there?
I would have ignored the requests and if they had followed up just said sorry I thought you were joking and no of course I don’t want people staying while we aren’t there.
Threads like this make me wonder if I’m some kind of bitch because I wouldn’t entertain this or spend one second worrying about not doing so

greeneyedlulu · 04/08/2019 10:57

I'd sell the cats before letting family who I'm not on great terms with stay in my house whilst I'm away!
You have to say no as you'll never relax on holiday wondering about them.

lavenderbluedilly · 04/08/2019 11:19

Have you decided what to do OP - are you going to put your cats’ welfare first?

fedup21 · 04/08/2019 11:20

Threads like this make me wonder if I’m some kind of bitch because I wouldn’t entertain this or spend one second worrying about not doing so

Me too. I don’t agree to things I don’t want to do.

WatchingTVagain · 04/08/2019 11:29

Are you all seriously ok with all this lying? Op perfectly within her rights to decline but these suggestions to make up lie after lie make me uncomfortable. Do you all lie like this in your own lives? Look a family member in the eye and tell a lie about a cat loving friend or house insurance? It’s bollocks btw i house swap and the insurers fine with they just exclude theft by visitor. Just can’t stand lying.

No, I wouldn't be happy lying but then again I would have said NO from the start. No ifs, buts or maybe. It appears the Op can't or won't say no so a lie is an option. And yes, I think we all realise the insurance reasons are bollocks but unless the CFs are privy to Ops insurance t&c then they can't argue the fact Wink

Wauden · 04/08/2019 12:50

Your cats are indoor cats and with all those people coming and going they will get very stressed, probably run out of the house and all sorts of problems could arise.

annielouise · 04/08/2019 13:11

I'd say no to the two SILs but still let the PILs. With the cousins there every game and toy will be dragged out, broken, pieces missing etc. What about your poor kids coming back to that? All their personal drawers gone through as kids are nosy and have no sense of what's appropriate. Your poor cats struggling to find some peace in their home. I'm sure your PILs would prefer them not being there too.

cushioncovers · 04/08/2019 13:37

Op hasn't been back in quite a while, don't think she has the courage to tell them no.

Attitude84 · 04/08/2019 15:17

I think they are being CFs and what a downright cheek!!!!! Tell them no!!! You’ve said they haven’t visited for years, so what would you be losing???

Insanelysilver · 04/08/2019 16:24

I’d tell your in laws that you’ve thought about it and wouid feel more comfortable not having people staying especially as it’s not as though they usually visit and so they aren’t used to the house. Say having visitors staying while you’re away is adding to your stress levels and so you’re going to have to unfortunately say no.

colbyandmontysmum · 04/08/2019 16:33

I feel a bit sorry for your PIL, by the sounds of MILs message they were looking forward to a relaxing few days by themselves.

Me too. I'm pretty sure your PIL's plans of visiting the city will go out the window the moment your SIL(s) arrive and they'll will be babysitting most or all of the time.

You owe it to your cats and your PILs to stop the SILs from staying at your house. The fact that they prefer to stay at your house when you're not there pretty much tells you how they think of you. Don't worry about creating riffs in the family - there are already big riffs!

DreamTheMoors · 04/08/2019 17:31

OP you’re worried about straining relations??? What the HELL do you think your in-laws are doing? Don’t take the responsibility for this & put it on yourself! It’s THEM NOT YOU!
Do. Not. Do. This. You’ll regret it. And good luck having a carefree vacay - you must know that you’ll spend the entirety of being gone fretting & worrying about your cats, your home and your new loft.
Get real.

Everytimeiseeher · 04/08/2019 17:42

A lot of dog walkers offer a drop in service for cats/rabbits/hamsters etc when the owners are on holiday. I’d look into this for your area and not let anyone in your home when you go away.