Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
Kaddm · 03/08/2019 17:03

Oh and I’m not sure I’d get DH to his sisters. I’d do it myself. You aren’t unreasonable so you shouldn’t worry about saying no this abuse of your home.

yyz112 · 03/08/2019 17:24

I wouldn't agree, sounds like they all want a free holiday.

WhingingOldBag · 03/08/2019 17:31

I would put the cats in a cattery or hire a cat sitter rather than have open season on my home whilst I am not even there!

EllenMP · 03/08/2019 17:32

I don't see why they would trash the house as other posters have said, but I would be hurt and angry that they have decided they want to use your home as a base for a family trip to London but prefer to do it when you aren't there. I would say something like "This doesn't work for us as the house is too small for 9 people and I don't have time to get it ready for you. And we don't want to miss your visit, so let's find a date after the summer when you can come for a proper visit." They will probably not bother to set up another date. \

They are taking the piss and as you are not close to them I think you can put your foot down and say no.

NannyOggsStripedSocks · 03/08/2019 17:35

I don't really see what the issue is, they are family, and its not like you have to entertain them. Just set some rules down first.

ysmaem · 03/08/2019 17:36

OP you need to say no! That's ridiculous! Why do they all want to come to your house?! It makes absolutely no sense. Tell them you've changed your mind, tell them you wont be able to relax on this holiday knowing there are 9 people staying in your home. YANBU.

Lovemenorca · 03/08/2019 17:40

I leave my house absolutely gleaming before going on holiday AND arrange for my cleaner to come in and do a deep clean. Nothing better than coming home from a fabulous holiday to a fabulous home. I actually get butterflies on the drive back from the airport at thought of walking in my front door!

Ilovesunshine22 · 03/08/2019 17:43

Omg no! You can't allow this it's like they all want to use your house to have a free holiday together! I think it's very cheeky considering you haven't seen them in years. Say no sooner than later. Good luck X

Winterlife · 03/08/2019 17:43

It should be OP's husband that contacts his sisters. It shouldn't be left to the OP to navigate his family relationships.

quitefranklyivehadenough · 03/08/2019 17:51

Massively not BU. The are CF's.
I've learned the hard way to say no as we had years of people asking to use our house-close to London and a pool.
Nothing nicer than leaving it spotless when going on hols and coming back to it all gleaming. Tell DH to sort it out @LoveGigi x

Firewall · 03/08/2019 17:52

Install some CCTV cameras. Good to have anyway, we’ve got a ring doorbell and a few of their stick up CAMS for living space. My son also They are great for peace of mind not just for this occasion but in general too

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/08/2019 17:54

Of course you shouldn’t do it if you’re not comfortable with it. I have a 5 bed house and I’m in central London so DH’s Geordie family often stay when we’re away - at least 10 of them!

But that’s because I’m ok with it. If you do say yes, the easiest way is to tell them to bring all their own bedding. I put all of our bedding piled In a corner and they use their own sheets and duvets and simply take them with them when they go.
They always book a show and a day at the Cricket, then visit the zoo, museums and see the sights. They do use it as a holiday home when we’re away but accommodation is so expensive in London that I don’t mind.
They always leave our place immaculate and with a nice gift to open when we get home. So it can be a really nice thing to do for family. But if you don’t want to then simply say, I’d rather not - you don’t have to give a reason.

nuxe1984 · 03/08/2019 17:56

You're between a rock and a hard place here … although tbh if they haven't bothered to visit you for the past 5 years then I wouldn't worry too much about upsetting them. It's not as if you have a great relation ship in the first place - and they're hardly likely to avoid you at Christmas if you visit PIL cos it will mean them missing out.

The reason they're all coming now is cos you've got the extra room. And they see it as a cheap holiday.

I guess you could make sure the fridge and freezer was empty. Not provide beddings, etc. so they have to bring their own but then that wouldn't be nice for your PIL who are doing you a favour (plus looking forward to a nice break) - I suspect that the rest of the family use the PIL a lot without even thinking about it and they were looking forward to be away from them for 2 weeks with no texts, phone calls, etc "asking" for favours. Now of course, that's not going to happen. The rest of the family will carry on as usual with their selfish behaviour - probably expecting PIL to look after the children whilst they have fun in town.

I would say no to the SILs. Tell the first one that you're sorry but when you agreed she could come you didn't realise the other one would jump on the bandwagon as well and that this is too many people in your house. So it's no to both of them. And if she gets shirty then tell her to blame the other SIL not you cos she's the one who took the piss.

You can be honest and tell them that PIL are looking forward to a break as well … without family, grandchildren, etc.

If it all gets too messy then just cancel ALL of them and find a local catsitter - there's bound to be somebody who is registered and would be happy to look after your cats whilst you're away. And the cost of this is likely to be far less than whatever gets damaged whilst you have 9 people including 4 children who don't know your house rules in your house with you not there!

Pinkdhalia · 03/08/2019 17:59

say No thanks you've got commitments and you'll see her when you get back. i'd also be honest and say we haven't seen you for a long time , just before a holiday isnt convenient

Tinkerbelle57 · 03/08/2019 18:08

No No No . I would lock the house up and put the cats in a cattery. They will be looked after and won’t go missing.
Bloody cheek of that lot !!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/08/2019 18:08

I second a lick in your bedroom door

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/08/2019 18:08

Lock Grin

mussolini9 · 03/08/2019 18:13

It should be OP's husband that contacts his sisters. It shouldn't be left to the OP to navigate his family relationships.

At last some bloody common sense, cheers @Winterlife.

It's also very simple for him to do. He rings, or sends an email to all concerned, saying something like:

"Sorry everyone, having spoken with mum & dad, I feel it's all going to be a bit too much strain on them, & I'm also concerned about the cats as they'll be anxious around so many people & have plenty of opportunity to escape with so many people opening windows/doors.

Happy to host you all here when we're back home to take responsibility for the cats, but this is our holiday & neither OP or I want to spend it worrying about our pets. So we've agreed that it's just mum & dad this time around, sorry it's short notice.

PS am also a bit gobsmacked, sister 1 & sister 2, that you are so keen to visit after not having done so in 5 years. I'd rather feel that your visit was because you wanted to see me & my family, instead of using my house as an AirB&B while we're not here - but over to you, we've invited you a few times & maybe you could compare dates & arrange that with us soon."

Obvs. up to DH if he wants to use the PS or not. (I would, tee hee)

FaveNumberIs2 · 03/08/2019 18:26

Are you ready to come home from holiday with your three children, to broken things, possibly your children's toys missing or broken, messy house, pots in the sink, dirty floors, and knowing your so called family have been through every single one of your cupboards, drawers, and rooms that are not locked? Your new bedroom will be ruined and your privacy will be no more.

Tell them no.

In fact, tell the selfish twats to fuck right off.

LollyBmummy3 · 03/08/2019 18:36

You’ve enough to do organising everyone for holiday let alone making house right for guests. Sounds like they just fancy a cheap get together. Just say no, and put cats in cattery. Then no one stays. 🍀

Awaywiththefairies27 · 03/08/2019 18:36

Grab some cheap nanny cams off of amazon so you can keep an eye on the place, especially your loft room.

There's no way I would agree to this, I wouldn't be able to relax the entire time.

Fingers crossed they're respectful of your privacy at least.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2019 19:09

@ lovemenorca are lovemenorca from FB ?

rainbowstardrops · 03/08/2019 19:11

*Oh for Christs sake. Pull your big girl pants up and sort this out. You are an adult, not a little kid at the mercy of the grown ups.

As usual - AF has it bang on.*

As did countless other posters!
Jeez 🙄

Lovemenorca · 03/08/2019 19:14

@AnyFucker.
Sorry, I don’t understand?