Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
Lemonlady22 · 03/08/2019 09:27

NO> NO>NO....this is stressing me out and its not even my house...i love my sisters but i wouldnt let any of them stay in my house while im away....they have different values than me (would let their dogs sleep on my bed) I would not enjoy my holiday at all worrying about it. You are already stressing before you go about it....when you are away it will be awful, then when you get home it will be an issue and prob falling outs with people...DONT DO IT...ask a neighbour or friend to pop in once a day!

KitschBitch · 03/08/2019 09:28

This is making me feel stressed for you! Just a big fat NO to them.

tenmum · 03/08/2019 09:32

What a nightmare , absolutely say no ! I have a thing about my bed too.

Hey sorry tell the in laws they don't need to stay anymore ?

fedup21 · 03/08/2019 09:34

What are you going to do, OP?

Snugglepiggy · 03/08/2019 09:38

First and foremost the cats.Forget beds,bedrooms and bills.From personal experience indoor cats left whilst on holiday are best with a routine.Either a housesitter -not 9 and definitely not loads of children.Doors opening and closing constantly,lots of excitement is a huge risk your cats will escape-and want to !Or a cat feeder that is trustworthy to come in a couple of times a day to feed and clean the trays,and tickle their ears for a while if they want it.Not all cats do.For that reason it would be a big no from me.

Billben · 03/08/2019 09:40

Christ, there is no way I would ever say yes to this. I wouldn’t be able to relax on my holiday.

I have a slight feeling that even if you say no, because your in laws are staying there, the rest of the crew will just sneakily come anyway.

Smelborp · 03/08/2019 09:47

God, this would be a firm ‘no’ from me. No long emails though - the mention of the CCTV in that draft for you by Betsy didn’t sound like it was aimed at the cats 😂

You don’t need to provide reasons, just on reflection, this won’t work.

Alsohuman · 03/08/2019 09:53

Oh God, that suggested email 🤣🤦‍♀️

HuggedTheRedwoods · 03/08/2019 10:05

indoor cats + 9 unfamilar houseguests including children + owners not present = wont end well.

fedup21 · 03/08/2019 10:13

I would get your DH to ring his sisters today (before they book travel) and cancel.

Interesting that they all live miles away from you but near to each other but want to all get together in our house whilst you’re not there!

You say you live in the capitol, is that the same as the capital? Are you in London where it would cost them a fortune to stay and see your house as a free Holiday let?

The fact that they never bother to come and see you suggests they are just using your house.

Honestly, the thought of this would ruin my holiday-there is no way I would agree.

Original poster
LoveGigi · 03/08/2019 10:17

Wow @BetsyBigNose ace email thank you!
Thank you all for your replies. Last night I had an unsolicited msg for MIL saying that she didn’t know why everyone was inviting themselves, so much for their quiet holiday and that it wasn’t her doing, I believe this. She went on to say that 2nd SIL has been really stressed and needed a break away.

I do really like my PIL and feel now more than ever that I can’t cancel them. I still haven’t heard back from 2nd SIL, so I expect she straightaway talked to her mum following my message, as she will have picked up that I wasn’t happy with her proposition. At the end of my message I made a comment about PIL having to change bedding at “Hotel LoveGigi”.

I wonder if she will just decide not to come anyway.

I have listened to you all and this situation will not be allowed to happen again. I will be more assertive from the get go.

MIL also told me that they won’t come at the same time and she will make sure that they don’t stay in the loft room.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 03/08/2019 10:24

From Betsy’s email, this is the salient point:
We usually only ever see you around twice a year, and that’s when we make the journey to your town. You last visited us 5 years ago and my Husband / your brother is hurt that you would choose to finally make the journey to our home in London, but specifically because we’re not there and he feels taken advantage of (as do I), as it’s clear that you were planning on using us (well, our home) as a free hotel. It was obvious that it is our home you were interested in, rather than our family, which feels brazen, cheeky and deceptive.

And if your SIL is having a bad time and needs a break, then she can jolly well organise and pay for one like everyone else has to. Given your PILs were looking forward to a quite time, I would use that as the excuse to put everyone else off.

fedup21 · 03/08/2019 10:25

So it’s all still happening-goodness, rather you than me.

I’d be far too worried about the cats to go away and enjoy myself-poor things.

metalkprettyoneday · 03/08/2019 10:28

No. You won’t be able to relax on holiday. I get a proper cat sitter in. I use them to take care of pet and plants and you know your home will be spotless when you get back .

SoupDragon · 03/08/2019 10:29

You can't possibly send that suggested email!

pinkyredrose · 03/08/2019 10:32

Ok so for the sake of your cats and your parents in law cancel the Sils, both of them. You don't want them there, your Pils don't want them there, your cats will hate it, what more reason do you want?

So what if Sil is stressed and needs a break. You need a break too which is why you're going away. How will you be able to relax and enjoy your holiday while all this is going on. How will Mil stop them going in to your bedroom, there'll be 4 kids in the house, I'd bet my bottom dollar they'll be running up there exploring as soon as they set foot in your house.

Stand up for yourself ffs!

fedup21 · 03/08/2019 10:33

She went on to say that 2nd SIL has been really stressed and needed a break away.

Well, surely she can have one,...it just doesn’t have to be in your house!

I would tell your MIL you’re not happy about it. She clearly isn’t thrilled either but you’ve already told both sisters it’s fine.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/08/2019 10:33

Last night I had an unsolicited msg for MIL saying that she didn’t know why everyone was inviting themselves, so much for their quiet holiday and that it wasn’t her doing, I believe this. She went on to say that 2nd SIL has been really stressed and needed a break away.

That's a very helpful update from MIL. It sounds like it's going to ruin their break too. You sound anxious about dealing with this. Don't be. You can send a nice email outlining the points in Betsy's email (which is excellent, but too long, sorry!). Say you'd love to host them when you get back (grrr!) just not while you're away. Bright and breezy, sorry for the change of heart but for all of the reasons above it's not going to happen.

fedup21 · 03/08/2019 10:35

I feel a bit sorry for MIL, she wants a quiet break but you’ve agreed for them to host two families whilst they’re there!

I can’t for the life of me see why you’ve agreed. Do you struggle to be assertive in other areas?

mumineedawee · 03/08/2019 10:44

My charming house sitters were told that they could only use the guest room (plenty of room for SIL and two kids).

When I came home, my bedroom had had a thorough going over, vacuumed, dusted, etc (which I had not done beforehand as I’d already said that they couldn’t use it in my absence, so no need).

It turns out that SIL’s dc’s just found my bed irresistibly comfy and she couldn’t bear to remove them once they fell asleep in it Angry.... for the entire four nights.

It all only came to light when my printer (I use my bedroom for working from home days) wasn’t printing properly. It was full of talcum powder! I rang her and asked if she’d used the printer, and she said no, but that her dc’s loved my room, and that nothing was touched etc.

Never again.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/08/2019 10:50

Do put a lock on the loft room.
Start a group chat-
“Are we starting a family house holiday swap? How exciting. Can you please let us know when you are planning to be away so hubby and I can plan our stay at your place!”
😂😂

rainbowstardrops · 03/08/2019 10:59

So you're STILL going to let them all stay even though you don't want them to, you're worried about your cats AND your MIL was looking forward to a quiet break????!!!!!

FFS woman! Stand up for yourself! I honestly think your DH should be standing up to his family but there is no way on this earth that I'd allow this!

No wonder they're CFs if they know you're such a pushover!

latexsalesman · 03/08/2019 11:08

Why are you forcing this on your PIL?!

EugenesAxe · 03/08/2019 11:08

I can’t for the life of me see why you’ve agreed.

Maybe because she’s kind?

Not accusing you of being anything like this, but I’ve heard of a few incidences that have negatively affected others that could easily represent parents allowing their DCs autonomy/ promoting assertiveness.

Things like not stopping kids from ranging into neighbours’ gardens to climb in the trees, antisocial levels of noise, letting them choose party attendees that alienate one child, even in one case a parent arranging childcare with a mum, the latter’s DS really looking forward to it, then the parent cancelling when it turned out her son would rather go home and play with someone else (and the DS being forced to watch them leave together).

‘Assertiveness’ when applied to modern parenting often seems to creep into territories of being wasteful, antisocial, unkind and unempathetic. OK in this case OP should have said no, but personally I think it’s refreshing to see someone inclined to kindness.

Sorry as you can tell, this irks me a bit. It worries me too; so many seem to be all about ‘their rights’ that no one cares anymore... the planet is going to a place where we need the opposite to be happening, to stop catastrophic change. Society needs to pull together.

Interlude over

viques · 03/08/2019 11:14

Maybe your stressed out SIL could have a short break at your PILs house? A change is as good as a rest they say.

[is anyone else remembering the Mapp and Lucia books where they all rented each other's houses for the summer? Au reservoir tous Grin