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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 03/08/2019 11:28

Another ace e-mail from Betsy. Send that if you absolutely never want any relationship with your in laws again.

Poor MIL sounds like she’s just as chuffed off, albeit with concerns about her daughters MH too. At least she sounds like she’d fish out a robust “No.” to onsite cheeky fuckery.

Isatis · 03/08/2019 11:51

Last night I had an unsolicited msg for MIL saying that she didn’t know why everyone was inviting themselves, so much for their quiet holiday and that it wasn’t her doing, I believe this.

So use that. Contact the SILs, say that you now realise this is putting far too much on MIL, so they can't stay after all.

BetsyBigNose · 03/08/2019 12:00

🤗 Happy to "help"!

I'm so glad you've told them "No" @LoveGiGi, you can now relax and have a wonderful holiday!

Thanks for all the lovely comments, and the one calling my email 'deranged'... fair point, it is a bit, but it was fun to write! 🤪

🤣 'Cat' monitoring CCTV! 📽🧐

To the PP who mentioned reddit - I've been a keen redditor for about 4 years and haven't come across a MN sub to date. I've just had a quick look and could only find r/MNTrolls, was the the one you were referring to? Thanks.

CoraPirbright · 03/08/2019 12:00

Yes BUT Viques will garden produce be included? Grin

SweetNorthernRose · 03/08/2019 12:00

Tbh if you all communicate via email rather than just picking up the phone then you're obviously not that close and I certainly wouldn't want people I'm not that close to staying in my house when I'm not there and definitely not without pil (who have actually been invited at least).
Once again, please do not even contemplate sending betsy's email, it's bloody awful! The issues it raises (which tbf may well be valid) need to be discussed face to face, not by some formal complaint style email!

AnyFucker · 03/08/2019 12:17

Oh for Christs sake. Pull your big girl pants up and sort this out. You are an adult, not a little kid at the mercy of the grown ups.

eddielizzard · 03/08/2019 12:25

I would cancel both SIL's visits now. Your MIL has given you the green light by saying she was looking forward to a relaxing time. Stand up for yourself, it will feel hard the first time, but really, they ARE being unreasonable. In future they won't take you for such a mug.

viques · 03/08/2019 12:26

corapirbright

Only if you agree to polish my bibelots and take proper care of my piano. It belonged to my mother you know.......

Now, where did I leave that maslin pan, rhubarb and ginger is my favourite.

areyoubeingserviced · 03/08/2019 12:28

I haven’t read the thread Op, but I just cringed at the thought of anyone staying in my house while I am away.
I would just say NO

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 03/08/2019 12:29

Ring both SIL, tell them you felt put on the spot and that they can't come. Too many people in the house, not fair on the cats and not fair on you
I can't believe you are letting this happen in your home

tenterden · 03/08/2019 12:29

Oh for Christs sake. Pull your big girl pants up and sort this out. You are an adult, not a little kid at the mercy of the grown ups.

As usual - AF has it bang on.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/08/2019 14:21

Yes BUT Viques will garden produce be included?

Only flowers for the house . . . .

Grin
PerkyPomPoms · 03/08/2019 14:32

Your in laws don’t want them there, you don’t want them there, so send an abridged version of Betsy’s email and tell them to jog on!

viques · 03/08/2019 15:34

HmmThis thread has outed a few Bensonites! I wonder how many more there are lurking.

timeisnotaline · 03/08/2019 15:39

You’re a doormat. Get a lock on your door and kiss your cats before you leave in case you never see them again.

UniversalAunt · 03/08/2019 15:51

@Viques has nailed it.

Quaint!

ILearnedItFromABook · 03/08/2019 15:56

This thread has outed a few Bensonites! I wonder how many more there are lurking.

I'm sure I couldn't say, but the thought of unwanted guests in my house is much more than merely tarsome-- it's giving me the shudders. ...I wonder if OP has a hoard of tins and dry goods stashed in a cunning hiding spot...

(I was thinking about the house-letting, too!)

billy1966 · 03/08/2019 16:18

OP,
The very idea of it would ruin my holiday.

9 people, 7 of whom are complete users, holed up in my lovely home.

Will they care for it? Hardly.

Your SIL's no doubt having a good root through your drawers 🙄.

Goodness knows what condition you'll find it in.
Neither of them taking responsibility for it being well kept.

How could you agree to this so easily!. It's extraordinarily presumptuous.

I can imagine the cats will find it very disturbing.

I wouldn't care how much it cost. I would source an alternative cat minder nearby and I bet your MIL will understand.

Honestly OP, they must think you are a real soft touch to go for this.

Only on MN.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/08/2019 16:24

Has anyone suggested locking ALL the bedroom doors except the one the PILs will use?

Cannot recommend last-minute bookings at a cattery, especially for two weeks in August. The only two times we've had to use an unknown cattery last minute, it turned out there was a reason they weren't booked up like the good ones.

Drum2018 · 03/08/2019 16:28

So your PIL don't even want SIL's there and you're still going to allow it? Tell your Dh to get on the phone and tell his CF sisters that they cannot stay as it's just not suitable. Then tell PIL that they will have the house to themselves as was the original arrangement, and to enjoy themselves. Why should they be left feeling stressed over the SILs coming to stay. They probably want a frigging break from the lot of them given they live near them.

cushioncovers · 03/08/2019 16:31

I would worry my cat would do a runner with strangers in the house. Why are you unable to say no to this op? It's your home.

ReasonablyIntelligent · 03/08/2019 16:34

Look, if your relationship is so tenuous with the 2 CF families that it would cause irreparable damage to the relationships with them just for declining a HUGE favour, then the relationships aren't worth worrying over in the first place.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2019 16:34

Well, you now have 'permission' from MiL to cancel everyone else's stay! Tell SiLs no but don't mention MiL and if they kick off, who really cares? They obvs don't care about your feelings, why should you care about theirs? Sounds as if each of you would be happy to do without the other anyway.

If the iLs kick off you can say "But MiL, we did it for YOU as you said it was too much with them coming. Now you and FiL will have a nice quiet time!

RandomMess · 03/08/2019 16:55

Ever considered PIL don't want them there as they want a break from providing childcare????

Get DH to phone his sisters and say it's a no go having thought it through!

Kaddm · 03/08/2019 17:02

No way would I be allowing anyone more than the PILs. 9 people using your house as a free holiday party hotel. Fucking crazy. Utter CFs.