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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family asking to stay in our home when we are away.

437 replies

LoveGigi · 02/08/2019 17:13

Okay please give me it straight!

AIBU

We are heading off on holiday for 2 weeks on Tuesday and my in laws have kindly agreed to house sit and look after our 2 indoor cats.

About 3 weeks ago one of my SILs messaged me asking if we would mind her, DH and DS could also come to stay whilst we are away. In said msg she also asked if we would like them to come down immediately prior to us leaving so we could all spend some quality time together. This I felt was disingenuous as she hasn’t visited us for 5 years and I think the comment was shoved in there to mask the fact that she is using us.

I seethed for 2 days and replied saying that they could stay whilst we were away but we were too busy to see them before we left. I chose to fester bitterly instead of dealing with the guilt I would feel for saying no.

Then today the other SIL has asked to come and stay whilst we are away it would be her and her three DCs!! That is a total of 9 people staying whilst we are on holiday. I again feel used as they also have not bothered to come and visit in countless years!!

This wing of the family all live within 10 mins of each other and we are miles away in the capitol.

I feel totally resentful as I feel I can’t say no without suffering years of disdain!

I am a working mother of 3 DCs and the effort it takes to pack to get the family out the door for the holiday is enough without the stress of sorting out the house for 9 guests!!

I also am being mega precious about my new bedroom which I’ve only just moved into so I really don’t want anyone staying in my new bed!!!

Go on, am I being chuffing unreasonable??

OP posts:
Havva · 03/08/2019 19:18

No way OP. I would not let anybody stay in my house while I'm away. It's my very personal space even if it's rented.

Pellegrinopolly · 03/08/2019 19:20

Say a friend has offered to cat sit (look on Pawshake) and that you don't need anyone's help now!

parentin · 03/08/2019 19:28

ABSOLUTELY NOT. JUST SIMPLE NO, NO NO F#$*ING WAY. NO.

Waveysnail · 03/08/2019 19:33

Put a locking handle.on bedroom door that you dont want used

Happymum12345 · 03/08/2019 19:37

You must live somewhere lovely, like by the sea? I would find it very difficult to pack & sort the house out for guests too. You’ll need a holiday to recover!

Aridane · 03/08/2019 19:48

Just joined to read betsy's classic email, it having been posted rom another thread.

It's a work of breathtaking genius.

However, it might be more concise and just as effective in gong NC (which effect that email will have) to say 'you can't say in our house as I don't like or trust you'

Purpleartichoke · 03/08/2019 19:49

Even your mIL is unhappy about this arrangement?

Call both SiL and cancel. Tell them you realized it is just too stressful for you, tell them it is too stressful for the cats, tell them aliens have invaded your home. Just cancel.

Let your pIl have their quiet trip.

Nettie1964 · 03/08/2019 19:56

Put the cats in a luxury catterry and cancel the in-laws what a cheek. I love my family but no way. The stress of preparing the house before going on holiday are you insane

CandleWithHair · 03/08/2019 19:58

So, YOU don’t want this, your DH doesn’t want this and now even your MIL doesn’t want this! (and I think it goes without saying that your cats, who this whole house sitting rigmarole has been engineered to benefit in the first place, DEFINITELY don’t want this)

And yet, you’re going to go ahead with it because you lack the courage to change your mind??

You are going to be stressed. Your PILs are going to be stressed. Your cats are going to be stressed.

Come on OP! Just say you’ve changed your mind in this instance, but you hope that they can come and visit while you’re actually at home some point in the future.

Rachel1874 · 03/08/2019 20:00

Just nope...

CallmeAngelina · 03/08/2019 20:03

So, you've said that they can't both stay at the same time?
What will happen is that they will plan to overlap by one day, so they can meet up. Then time will get the better of them, and the family who are supposed to be leaving will end up staying one more night because it's too late to travel.
And there's a perfectly nice empty bedroom on the top floor. Who would know if people used it?
OP, channel your inner Zammo. Just. Say. No.

voddiekeepsmesane · 03/08/2019 20:14

You asked to give it to you straight in your OP. I personally think YABU to saying yes to any of this. You are being a doormat all for the sake of keeping the peace with people who do not give a shit about you. JUST SAY NO!!! why FFS is it so hard for people to say this word. CFs get away with shit because too often people do not confront. It's an epidemic of apathy and wet blanket behaviour I see it time and time again on here. We do not have to put up with such appalling behaviour. And yes I have and do practise what I preach. I understand it takes balls to stand up for yourself but being a doormat and inwardly seething is not good for the soul let alone mental health IMO

RubyTrees · 03/08/2019 20:23

I have listened to you all and this situation will not be allowed to happen again. I will be more assertive from the get go.

@LoveGigi, what's stopping you from being assertive right now?

manicmij · 03/08/2019 20:24

Message them apart from the house sitters saying you feel there would far too many in your house and to be fair both families need to make other arrangements. Sorry, but can't have one family without offending the other. You are being used. Who wants 9 folk pitching up when you're not there to keep some kind of control, pitching up at any time!

Mamalifeee · 03/08/2019 20:24

I love my family but no way would this happen! Your PIL clearly have a planned trip what happens if they go out SIL gets left on her own with her kids and they let your cats out on accident , even if they say ‘they won’t stay the same time’ you can guarantee they will and your away so won’t be able to do anything about it I would cancel BOTH SIL saying it’s to many people in the house for the cats and you can’t say yes to one and no to the other. They are clearly just using you and while your on holiday your house will turn into a pig sty even if MIL tries her best to tidy up etc your house will be completely different when you return and you will soon be blowing up when you get home to find your house a tip a cat missing and maybe something broken that’s without the bills on top . It’s your home not a hotel! Say no your going on holidays to relax with no worries

WiseNiceWoman · 03/08/2019 20:46

The thing is what more issues can there be to trump they've not visited for all of 5 years. They obviously know you are a soft touch and taking advantage of this and probably don't care. So if I were you, I'd develop some balls and rightly tell them that you don't want any more people at the house other than mum and dad and if you don't want them either you really should say. But you should certainly not accommodate your siblings and their family. They have more balls than you the fact that they asked you knowingly they've not visited you for 5 years yet you find it hard to say no knowingly they've not visited you for 5 years. Do you think they'd have trouble telling you no if it were the opposite way round and also I think you'd know better to ask anyway. You are clearly the better of the siblings because it troubles you and don't want further conflict but at the end of it you should just demand respect, and develop some balls and say no! Damn please don't let them stay. If that was my bros and hoes I'd have no problem saying "no not this time round [meaning never] as I'm having some things done to the house [and like it's any of your business to ask what things otherwise the reply is "my business but no one is staying"]. But you don't even have to give an excuse just say "no, I don't want anyone staying at the house whilst I'm on holiday for two weeks".

Cloglover · 03/08/2019 20:50

Just do the on second thoughts email. They are being super cfs. I don't know how much you've paid for your holiday but you will spend a lot of the time thinking about what's happening at home - total waste of money. You might as well cancel it now. Tell them if they want to come and visit to do it when you're here as the cats don't like strangers. Pil - absolutely fine. Everyone else absolutely no.

Smiler88 · 03/08/2019 21:26

Absolutley not! Cheeky gits!!

Doesntlooklikeanythingtome · 03/08/2019 21:28

If you can’t say no to a request then it’s a demand. If it becomes toxic after you say no then that’s their problem. It’s your home, you do as you see fit.

Lilymossflower · 03/08/2019 21:58

I agree with other posters, make an excuse about the house not being ready for guests (cat fleas or house refurbishments)

And cancel any of them coming to stay ! Not one of them !
Too much stress for you !

Then secretly get a cat sitter or a trustworthy friend to check in on the cats instead

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 03/08/2019 22:14

rainbowstardrops
MN fawning is pathetic

MarleyBarley18 · 03/08/2019 22:42

Say no to everything! Get a cat sitter. Omg I would DIE if my in-laws did that. Mine are exactly the same with me and my kids. No no no nooooooo.

FoodologistGirl · 03/08/2019 23:23

Just cancel everyone and book a car sitter like cat in the flat. Perfect for indoor cats too.

Ilovemypantry · 04/08/2019 00:54

Sorry OP but you need to grow a pair and just say NO! Apart from anything else, it’s not fair on the poor cat’s.

ozymandiusking · 04/08/2019 00:58

Put the cats in the cattery. Just pay and grin and bear it.
And, don't let anyone stay in your house. As for your new bedroom no bloody way. I couldn't cope with someone sleeping in my bed linen.

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