I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

"Can't you TTC and keep your application open for adoption?"

No you can't. You can, as long as ypu tell the SW, but i doubt that the adoption would happen.

OP why not get your hormone levels checked and start from there?

You could, meanwhile not use contraception.

NameChangedForTheDay I could have written your post.

We eventually decided adopting an older child was the way forward (I’ve never been a baby person and felt too old to be faffing around with nappies) and were approved to adopt one child over four when I was 45.

Somehow, less that a year later, we became the (ridiculously) proud adoptive parents of an eight month old baby. And a year later, we did it again (adopted son’s baby sibling) so now, at 47, am Mum to a one and two year old!

My only regret is over thinking it all and leaving it so long.

Congratulations @Rufus27 I hope we're as blessed as you, whatever happens.

The risk of chromosome disorders increase with age ( not just down syndrome) my son has a chromosome deletion he was conceived when I was 35 he has complex disabilities because of this obviously I love him more than life itself and wouldn't be without him ,but it's not easy and people do need to consider it, I also know people who also have had children with disabilities at any age of course

I had mine at 37 and 42. Your friend is right about finances. There are great parents with less money. There are great parents who are older. All comes down to what you want to do

@Skittlenommer but if you are over 40 it's the only way to do it. I didn't plan to be an older mum it's just life, sometimes it's due to when you are both ready or time taken to conceive etc. Things you can't control or plan out. I was with my DH a 7 years before we had our DS. My DH was wasn't ready for children, so we waited and now have DS and another on the way.

Anyway the sleep deprivation is just a few years per child per lifetime. I'm not sure it would of been any easier 10 years ago anyway?!

Yes risks with being older, ideally keep your weight healthy and don't smoke due to slight increased DVT risk. Chromosome issues can happen to anyone, but ok your eggs are older so the stats are higher.

Yet overall the risks can be lower.

Older mothers tend to eat better, enjoy a healthier lifestyle and not indulge in risky behaviour. Even 20 odd years ago I was surprised that medical staff did not seem concerned about my age. The scanner lady said she was always more concerned about the very young mothers. She had just scanned a 12 year old.

Children don't get to choose their parents, but you sound like you will be fine. You don't need to be perfect. Just good enough, which with a stable relationship, some good life experience, a good income and some savings/capital behind you, you will be.

And honestly, it is fun. I was in my late 30s when I met DH. We decided to let nature take its course. 20 or so years on and I don't regret a minute. I am glad I had plenty of years of adulthood before children. I don't feel I had to give up anything. I do wish my student daughter's stuff was not scattered all over our living room, but then there is a fair chance I can persuade her to cook me lunch, and I will enjoy going out tomorrow to buy a couple of things to brighten her new student room.

One surprising benefit is that many of my mum friends were in their thirties when they had their children. So I hang out with people who are about a decade younger, and my own DC ensure that I know about millennial stuff: films, TV, music etc. There are people my age who come across as very old.

I’m always slightly amazed on these threads that the main advice is about having a baby. What would put me off would be having a teenager when I’m in my late 50s! I’m 49 with a pre-teen & teenager & it’s hard work!

OP, as someone who had a very healthy 'reproductive system' and a DH 20 years older and an extremely bright and happy DD (10), conceived quickly,
my early menopause at 43 was a shock really. Shouldn't have been, looking back my mother and Grandma were both 40. It is not unusual at all.

Honestly, you go from fertile to not fertile in the blink of an eye.

How old was your mother when she went through the menopause? That is my only fear for you.

I am slim, healthy, look younger than I am. Means nothing, I am menopausal.

Honestly, you don't have the option of waiting a year.

I think Graphista made some very good points and I wish you well in your decision. But if you want a child, yesterday would have ben a good time to start trying.

Turquoisesea, yes but the choice is also whether you would prefer to spend your older years with adult children or not.

It is lovely to have adult children, and the possibility of grandchildren. Yes I possibly would have been better off having children younger (though I would have missed some great years of being carefree and single) but that is not the choice being made.

Someone up thread said that:

‘it IS usually older children, and they have usually become available for adoption due to less than ideal early childhood’

This really isn’t true, as it will depend very much on where you are in the country. I live in a large city in the north and most of the children who are available to adopt are babies and toddlers. My LA has more babies than it can place in fact. I’m an adopter and I know lots and lots of other adopters locally. We have all adopted under 1s.

FWIW my son is doing brilliantly. He is 2 1/2, well ahead in all his milestones and he’s a very happy, happy child. I was 42 when he came to us - all toddlers are a bit tiring at times I think, but I really don’t feel that my age is a problem. I’m fit and healthy and enjoying life.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I’d discuss adoption and ttc with your partner ASAP.

If he is wanting to have a bio baby together and you want a child with him then you need to start ttc now, not leave it any later. If ttc is unsuccessful then adoption may be the way forwards but think really hard about the age of the child you’d be interested in.

I had my first (and only) at 45. It wasn’t planned and all the money/work things you mention were the same.
It’s been fine. Money-wise, you’ll cope. I saved up for my maternity leave but you can take a mortgage holiday if on maternity leave. I went back to work and ds went to a childminder - this was the expensive period - but we survived.
Then he started primary and it’s less about money and more about logistics -combining school run and work. I did it on my own, so two of you should be able to cope.
He is absolutely the best thing I’ve ever done.
The only thing that I changed, was I’ve worked hard to stay fit. I need to be on my feet and working until 65, so I run, cycle & do a martial arts class, don’t drink much anymore and pay more attention to diet. It has helped massively with energy levels and I’ve coped fine. Ds is now 11.

If you go for it, you’re signing up to 20 years responsibility so go in with your eyes open. x

You don't really seem to want a biological child OP is my reading from your posts. If you did I don't think that you would be considering waiting as your age is already very much against you.

I would be honest with DH about this and discuss restarting the adoption process.

@Snog OP has already explained why she hadn't wanted a biological child and now in the light of the conversation she is wondering if she can get help to work this through.

You posted in Aibu (which is a "robust" board)

You asked for people's opinions on your situation and I posted my response based on what you wrote and my own knowledge and the experiences I've seen family/friends going through ttc, adopting and parenting children as older parents.

Nothing I said was particularly outrageous or offensive but I clearly touched a nerve - you need to consider why that was!

If I'm wrong, fair enough ignore what I (and a few others, I'm not the only one that sensed a reluctance in you to become a parent) have said...

...but if I'm not, bringing a child into a relationship where at least 1 parent isn't particularly wanting to be a parent is unfair to the child (ESPECIALLY if you adopt and they've already been through tough times) and actually also unfair to your partner and to yourself.

As I said, nothing wrong with not wanting DC. Perfectly valid choice to make that is becoming more common, I have family/friends that have made that decision and it was absolutely the right one for them.

This is not a decision to be made lightly, not is it something you should do for someone else (your partner).

Once made, it can't really be unmade either.

I wish you luck and good health whatever you decide, but that is my genuine opinion and opinions are why you posted.

Am I reading a different thread? I thought OP didn't like the thought of being pregnant/ birth, but does want a family.

Midwife can certainly support you with the birth and you can opt for a C section if that seems a better idea if you are anxious. To be honest pregnancy can be so varied, but whilst I feel the sickness from about 7 - 14 weeks then I feel absolutely fine.

@Graphista I'm happy to hear opinion and constructive comments. Rude, insensitive, accusatory and wide of the mark comments I'm less accepting of, however.

I'm not making a decision likely as you imply. Hence looking at the bigger picture.

I have zero reluctance in becoming a parent. Regardless of what you may think. I've been dealing with my mother in the throes of an addiction that ultimately claimed her, many years before her time, so do forgive me for not wishing to embark on an incredibly stressful time that involves the the life of a potentially already damaged child.

I've got my thoughts on the matter, as has my DP, and having alternative views to ponder is a helpful springboard for further conversation. Which this thread has given me, in the main.

I do think your tone overall is patronising and not particularly helpful. Read it back. But like you say, it's your opinion.

Thanks for your wishes of good luck.

I have to say if you've reached the age of 42 without this being your absolute top priority in life, even over and above your mother's health issues, then I'd be asking myself why. And I say this as someone who met my DH at around the same age you did and then had two kids on the cusp of the menopause.

Sorry @BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour not sure I understand. Asking myself "Why?" Why what exactly please?

Why you haven't wanted to have a baby before now.

Why, if you really wanted a baby, pushing on with adoption / getting pregnant wasn't your top priority as you hit your forties, whatever else was going on in your life.

I kind of feel the same as Graphista and PPs, tbh. It strikes me as unusual that for someone who is "desperate to be a mum", you have been willing to leave the issue in limbo well into your forties despite having been in a relationship for 5+ years, and even now you're not in any hurry to do anything. Women who are desperate to be mothers would in most cases have taken action of some kind several years ago. And you seemed very stuck on issues of having a baby which if anything would be likely to be larger issues with an adopted child. Maybe that's your phobia about childbirth coming out in a displaced way. But most women who are phobic of childbirth but desperately want to be mothers determine themselves to tackle the phobia and go on to have biological children.

I'm not so worried about you not conceiving as to whether having a child is really what you want at all.

@LoafofSellotape I did want s child before now. But wasn't in a stable enough relationship and my mum's addiction was really starting to take hold of her and causing me an inordinate amount of running around after her, constant hospital admissions, her nearly being evicted, nearly dying on many occasions and as her only local relative it was all down to me to desk with every time.

When I met my DP, I was on the verge of a breakdown from the stress and had started to take a step back as she wouldn't help herself.

I told DP I wanted to become a mum and wanted to adopt and he said if we got serious that he'd support that. He moved in after three years, witnessed all the stress with my mum first hand and we tentatively started to attended meetings about adoption.

I asked social workers if my mum would hinder our adoption plans, they said possibly, depending on the level of contact and that I wouldn't be able to leave any potential child with her (obviously), but the addiction got worse and this year it finally killed her, so the plans all went on ice.