I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

Go for it if you have a burning desire to be a mum, you won't regret it. My Mum was 38 when she had me and I'm so glad I'm around to look after her as she has dementia and would have no-one if myself and my family weren't here

I know it is natural to worry about parenting skills when yours was less than perfect. But the trick is to learn from that and determine to be a good parent. Our children grew up in a boringly normal household achieved by us wishing them not to experience what we did, particularly my DH upbringing alcoholic mother with all the chaos that goes with it. Then my narcissistic mother and enabling father sigh...

OH and I have our demons if you like, but our children never suffered the dramas we grew up with. I am sure you have a lot of love to give a child, you have a wise head on your shoulders.

My dil had a baby this year at 40
She’s going in for another for next year when she’ll be 41
I would give it a go
You’ll manage

Plenty of people have children in their forties nowadays, it’s almost the norm.

You need to really want to have a child though, you shouldn’t purely have one to appease him. It will be your body and your body alone that pregnancy and birth will affect so don’t feel pushed into it for his sake.

Go for it, there’s no right or wrong age to be a mum (within reason). Do what’s best for you!.

You're earning more than enough to have a child, so don't let finances put you off. There are millions of families with less money coming in, who are giving their children a happy childhood.

Something that hasn't been mentioned, is are you planning on getting married? For your partner's sake (if he becomes a SAHP) you should, as he will be sacrificing his pension. Also, it will be easier on the remaining partner, if one of you dies, if you're married, due to certain benefits and inheritance rules.

Had my kids in my 40s. Fucking brilliant.

I had my DS when I was 40... hes 16 now.

We coped, I ditched my career... we've had good times, great times and not so brilliant times... and I wouldn't change that for the world.

We fell pregnant incredibly quickly too

The OP's question isn't "I really want to become a biological mum, am I too old?" though. It's "Should I consider becoming a biological mum at all?"

@NameChangedForTheDay

As someone adopted, thank you for being so passionate about becoming a mum by adopting.

I've heard so many times in my life people say "oh I'd love to but I want to have my own children". It made me cry my eyes out a few times when I was younger.

People like you are the reason kids like me get a second chance at life.

Whatever happens, thank you

I conceived naturally, and fairly quickly, at 42 but sadly miscarried at 12 weeks.

I proceeded to fall pregnant again however, at 43 - again naturally and furthermore I had a pretty easy-going pregnancy.

I now have a 13 month old little girl 😊 She's hard work but def worth it. Couldn't imagine life without her now!!

I’ve 4 children. First born when I was 35, fourth at 42. My youngest keeps me feeling young! If you want it, go for it! I think more people regret not having children as opposed to having them. There’s never a right time,... husband could have the paternity leave if you are worried about finances but honestly you live to your means x

My mum had me at 40 so not too old.

Money wise.. Babies don't cost a lot. But I'm told teenagers do, so you'd have a good few years.

To put things in perspective I'm 24 pregnancy with my second, we have a 270k mortgage and my husband earns 28k.

It's surprising how you just cope with the big money drop as I'm on 32k currently. You just do. You do free baby things or go on cheap baby play courses or soft play.

They don't cost much until they get older!

op. Take of your pink glasses. Adopting a schoolgoing aged kid is not easier then a baby. (You talk about it being easier with having help with a 4yo vs a baby)

Adopting a kid that age can come with so many mental issues (unable to attach to you, psychological problems, seperation anxiety etc the list goes on...)

I am speaking from experience. I am not saying don't adopt. I am merely saying be realistic about it.

I personally wouldn't, the paternal and maternal age risks would put me off as well as the increased possibility my child could end up losing a parent during childhood.

However, you seem pretty eager to become parents and honestly there is never an ideal time, so I say just come off birth control and give it a try. Just be aware parenthood may not be as amazong as you hope... I had friends who left it late then decided to have one child, ended up hating pregnancy, awful birth and now the child has a lot of issues that really has made them regret their decision.

If you’re scared of pregnancy/childbirth then what about surrogacy? Look into having somebody else carry the baby for you?

Regarding your fear of pregnancy/childbirth: I can only speak from my experience, but I hope to reassure you.
I had/have a massive fear of needles. Well, not exactly a fear but I faint whenever one is near me. I can't control it. When I was pregnant, however, I just gritted my teeth and got through the blood tests etc. I managed by mentally ticking off one hurdle at a time.
If you are afraid of childbirth, you will be taken seriously and it will go in your notes. Epidurals really work!
You feel like your body is changing and, afterwards, has changed, and you'll never be the same again! This passes and toi recover your old self slowly but surely.

Unfortunately you are not in a position to wait you have to either try or decide not to try

The money will sort itself out and you might struggle with that change you life will completely change and so are likely your friendships

Be car is out of the bag now I would imagine he has been pondering this for a while and if you do both decide life is too good to try that feeling may not go for him and adoption isn’t necessarily the answer

I didn’t want children until I turned 40. Had no problems getting pregnant, but did have a problem with staying pregnant. But DD arrived shortly before I was 42. I also had a fear of childbirth. Luckily for me she was breech so I had a c section which was great. And is something you can talk to your consultant about if you decide to go for it. Having a baby is the best decision I ever made.

@Yeahnahmum No pink glasses here. We are fully aware of the types of issues these poor children may have. We've attended adoption meetings and the social worker didn't sugar coat any of it.

I think given your age the only question to be asked is do you want children.

You and your partner seem to be in a steady relationship. You both have incomes. Everything else you work out later.

Even the most planned pregnancies will throw up things you haven't thought about, or when you get actually pregnant there will be a wobble of if you have done the right thing.

As someone who had a horrendous childhood my children think I am the best mum in the world because I brought them up with every parenting decision being what would my mother do then doing the exact opposite.

Just because you had a shit mother doesn't mean you will repeat history.

As someone who gave birth in her 40s, yes it is exhausting but the tiring bits don't last forever and now I have 2 best friends who are in perfect tune with each other.

pebblemix why does someone always suggest paying to hire the body of a poorer woman?

Your man wants to father a child biologically but youve always want6to adopt and are frightened of pregnancy/ birth and don't want to risk your health? No problems - pay a poorer woman to take the risk and go through the inconvenience, discomfort and pain and risk long term health issues for you! Yay!

Plan deliberately to create a human baby intended to be removed from it's mother at birth? It's fine! Obviously it's cruel to do that to a kitten or puppy, but women and babies are commodities don't you know! Planning deliberately to deny a baby it's biological mother is fine, attachment issues, breastfeeding, fourth trimester be damned!

Don't like anal or some other kind of sex with potential risk and not much pleasure for the woman? Hire your husband/ boyfriend a prostitute, it's all good!

Hi all.

Wanted to update you on this. As I really appreciated the perspective your replies gave me in August.

My DP and I went on holiday for our 5th anniversary in September and spoke in great length and frankly over TTC, or not. And we've agreed that adoption is the better option for us.

Some of the points raised here, me and DP had never thought of and the very low chances of conceiving at my age, plus the age we'd be when they are at university were the biggest things that resonated with my DP.

We've discussed it a lot since then too and are both excited and hopeful.

We are going to our local authority adoption evening tomorrow. Just hope we get approved.

Wishing you both every happiness and hope things work out .
That said a friend had her first at 41 and second a few years later.

OP i conceived naturally and had DD at 42. It was and still is absolutely knackering and I chose completely the wrong man to ge a father. I'm now a single mum and l