I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

The "negativity" stems mostly from the fact that the OP has never wanted a biological child, she has always wanted to adopt, and her DP of 5 years has suddenly, when she is 42, announced that he wants to ttc. The OP is considering getting pregnant at 42 on the back of his sudden, out of the blue, wish, not her own wishes. She's clearly not that keen asshe has a long list of reservations. She's also very stary eyed for someone no longer a teenager, in her belief that she knows her partner "inside out" and his unquestionable integrity and all round amazingness. Nobody knows anyone else"inside out" - in fact we often surprise even ourselves. Perfect relationships of a lot longer than 5 years standing and backed up by marriage fall apart under the strain of mutually longed for pregnancy and babies/ small children. Having a baby, especially a first baby, changes everything for ever.

On this basis there is negativity from some more sceptical/ realistic posters about the wisdom of "going for" ttc at 42 when the woman willing to put herself through it has never previously wanted s biological child, always planned to adopt, is afraid of childbirth and has a myriad of reservations, but is prepared to ttc in response to an announcement of sudden onset broodiness coming out of the blue from a man she's been with since she was 37.

You're rather patronising @anothernotherone. But thanks ever so much for your input.

The reality is, I always wanted to be a mum and due to my phobias and my brother being adopted, I was dead set on adoption way before meeting my DP.

When I met him, I was honest and he was open to having a child and more than happy to support me in my dreams of adoption. His recent curve ball has put another possible option on the table, and with specialist help maybe I could overcome my phobia and maybe I could explore having a baby.

However, I'm a practical person and not 'starry eyed' as you condescendingly put it, nor have I explicitly stated that I'm "prepared to TTC in response to his announcement". What I am doing, however, is while I digest this new potential option that I've not previously considered, I am looking to asses the likelihood of me falling pregnant at my age, any potential complications, what it's like to be parents to a baby in our 40s, time off work and financial impact of having a baby, when this was pretty much worked out for us adopting.

My DP is still open to adoption, but has merely expressed what he's been feeling of late and we are (and will be) discussing it in greater detail before making a decision on what route we try.

These replies, in the main have been helpful and given me food for thought, which I will share with my DP to help us both see the bigger picture.

Just wanted to say that the death of a parent can genuinely change someone’s attitude to having children, without it being “sudden onset broodiness”. Losing a parent can really change someone’s outlook on life.

Thank you for the laugh there @NottonightJosepheen

Thank you @ZazieTheCat

It certainly puts things into perspective.

It’s not misogyny to discuss fertility issues post 40. I really, really wish things were different biology wise!

conceiving is only the start, as those of us who have experienced pregnancy losses are well aware.

Surely the financial impact would be similar even with adoption? Adoption leave, time off work for childcare, after school clubs, holidays etc.

We had this conversation when I was 43. We had 2 kids each. Financially it would have meant working at least a decade longer. Kids are fucking expensive. As it currently stands you'd need to get back to work and on his current salary he'd need to be a SAHD. If it didn't work out you'd end up paying him CMS.

I had mine at 33&34 and honestly I was almost too old then. It's relentless. I have 4 adolescents to deal with 3 of them young teens and every day has its hormonal moments.

@BloggersNet if we adopt a child of school age, we don't need to take as much initial leave after becoming parents, then after tha leave, school versus childminders and nursery is obviously a big difference.

Plus my employer allows flexible working.

Oh Lovely, I have nothing to add except if you want to try, then why not?

My sister's children were both born in her 40s. There are more than 3 years between them.

I couldn't have coped sooner than 36 (when I had my only son). Do what you want. You will see, the world becomes full of people who chose the same.

With lots of love and best wishes xxx

Having been through something similar, if you want to keep your career, you'd be best to consider IVF with a donor egg (failing the optimum scenario of a quick natural conception at 42/43). You'd then have good odds of a return to work, whereas such are the requirements of adoption these days, you'd both have to take loads of time off pre and post adoption and potentially have years of fighting for appropriate education and support for the DC. And the adoption could fail. Not saying it's not worth doing, but in the adoption scenario you or DH have to be prepared for one of you not to work seriously again. By using a donor your chances of conception are based on their age, not yours.

Have you considered counselling to talk through how you really feel?

Sorry to be a little gloomy but if you are a planner then 'go for it, it'll be fine' doesn't seem great advice.

I really would like to do IVF @Phineyj I don't think. I hear what you're saying, but if I was to try and combat fears to TTC, I would prefer to leave it to nature. IVF would be doo much emotionally, physically and financially I think. But appreciate you offering the idea.

Thanks @ChristmasFluff you're very sweet.

I really WOULDN'T like to do IVF that should say @Phineyj*

Hi op,

Myself and my sister had our babies in our 40's. No problems with the pregnancies at all. I am a bit shocked by the responses here.

Can't you TTC and keep your application open for adoption?

Personally I think over 40 is too old.

Been flamed before for that opinion but the fact is conception is likely to be harder if it's possible at all, the pregnancy will be at higher risk for mc, birth defects and other issues, and not just due to maternal age but fathers age too.

In addition being older means you're likely to be less fit/healthy and have less energy - pregnancy, childbirth and caring for babies/young children is KNACKERING!

Your financial side is relatively easily dealt with as you're hardly on a low wage, so you could downsize, get a smaller/cheaper home, cut back on luxuries, it's what most families do.

As you're more likely to have a child with medical needs there's a good chance you'd need longer off work and even when you return a flexible employer.

But...to be quite honest from how you're communicating? I'm not convinced you really want to fully commit to being a mother. I think you were hoping your dp would lose interest in the idea, because if you REALLY wanted to be a mother, you wouldn't have been so half hearted in pursuing adoption and you wouldn't have all the negatives at the forefront of your thinking on the subject.

Nothing wrong with not wanting DC, BUT you do need to be honest about it both with yourself and dp.

"It's just a bombshell, as having a baby was never on the table for discussion." Not what you said earlier...

"When we met, he said he was open to having kids" which means you DID discuss it

"Thank you, I'd factored in the 6 months after adopting" I think this is highly naive thinking. Adopting now is very different to when your parents did it, not least because X it IS usually older children, and they have usually become available for adoption due to less than ideal early childhood, which means they require a LOT of support, possibly even a lot of medical appointments to attend etc - that's not something that can be easily or well managed by 2 full time working parents.

"TTC wouldn't take over my life. I'd genuinely be of the opinion that if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't." Pretty much everyone starts out feeling that way, those who don't fall pregnant quickly/easily are rarely able to maintain that perspective.

"Looking to wait until next year as my 2 year contract at work ends next summer and I won't know if I'm going to be permanent until closer to the time." See comments like that very much suggests to me you're really not that keen.

"I just think having support for a child of school age would be easier than support for a baby." And that shows how little experience you have with children, which in my opinion makes you unsuitable to adopt.

"Why did you name change out of curiosity?" I'll be honest, I suspect under usual username their posts would show they don't really want to be a parent.

"Your posts suggest that you think adopting and looking after an older child will be easier and less disruptive than having a baby" totally agree.

Sadly I think you're also very much at risk of your partner strongly wanting a biological child of his own and that putting a strain on your relationship and possibly his seeking a younger, more fertile partner - happens a LOT.

I can’t fathom why anyone would want to start having babies in their 40s? Then again I can’t fathom why anybody would want to have babies at all! LOL!

Think of all that sleep and freedom you’d miss out on if you had a newborn!!

It's amazing! Had second at 42 and third next month at 45 ( very luckily didn't take too long). So worth it! Try it and see!! Good luck!!

I am a planner in life, but i didnt plan to be a single mum ! shit happens.
I work bloody hard and i wouldnt change a thing

Point is OP, with respect, time isnt on your side, so just do it! there is never a right time to have a baby! Things go wrong, people change. You can only plan so much then go with the flow

FWIW - my child is the most incredibly human being I have the pleasure of watching grow and develop.

@Graphista

But...to be quite honest from how you're communicating? I'm not convinced you really want to fully commit to being a mother. I think you were hoping your dp would lose interest in the idea, because if you REALLY wanted to be a mother, you wouldn't have been so half hearted in pursuing adoption and you wouldn't have all the negatives at the forefront of your thinking on the subject.

You're extremely wide of the mark and unfair in your summary. As mentioned, we've actively attended adoption meetings and researched it. We put it on ice due to my mother's addiction and subsequent related illness, a couple of other reasons and then this year the addiction finally took my mother. I would have been an idiot to pursue adoption in the midst of this and we'd have no doubt been told to put the brakes on anyway.

I name changed as recent posts about my mother are incredibly outing and I don't want my friends and family that may be on here to know my business, or to 'jinx' anything.

Not that I need to justify myself to you, or your rather scathing / unpleasant post, let's clarify a few points that you've raised.

With regards to my job. I'd be mental to TTC when I may well be out of contract in exactly 9 months.

To further clarify the early days discussions with my DP about having a family. He was fairly relaxed and said if the relationship felt right, he'd be open to having a child. I explained my phobia and my other reasons for wanting to adopt and he said of we got to that stage in our relationship he'd support that. We never discussed TTC as he was relaxed towards how we became parents and once we moved in and got serious, we came to adoption meetings with me. So please don't paint me to be a liar.

And my parents didn't adopt. My brother was adopted by another (older) couple and had a better childhood than I did.

In your opinion I'm unsuitable to adopt ? Well, I'm glad you're not my social worker. I've been told that we'd be good candidates for adoption, pending further checks obviously.

Hope that helps?

I dare anyone quoting facts and figures to shag with wild abandon, month after month after month, post 40, without contraception. Betcha you won't

I did. Had two kids fine in my early 20’s. Then an ectopic when. I was 38. It resolved itself so I didn’t need medical intervention. At 39 I met the man I went on to marry (although he is now exH). He was younger than me. I couldn’t use the coil because of the ectopic. Couldn’t take the pill as `I’m a smoker. Couldn’t have the implant or injection as they made me bleed constantly and I hate condoms! So I took my chances. From 39-45 I was having sex on average 6 out of 7 days a week. Not once did I fall pregnant. And my ex, well his current partner is pregnant so clearly the issue wasn’t with him. I’m single now and I believe I’m in peri (have a lot of symptoms) but I wouldn’t bother with contraception if I did have another relationship.

There’s a lot of people on this thread who don’t really get statistics e.g. you're more likely to have problems conceiving, and carrying a baby to full term and similar comments...

The risks may increase on a population basis by age, but for any one individual, the odds are still favourable. Still more likely to conceive than not, still more likely to have an uncomplicated pregnancy than not etc...

DC3, did you see the RCOG stats on miscarriage:

In the general population, the risk of miscarriage in a woman 35–39 years of age is 24%, and doubles to 51% at 40–44 years of age if the woman conceives with her own, rather than donor, eggs.