I'm 42 and DP has suddenly said he wants a baby.

[NameChangedForTheDay]

Hey all, NC for this one.

I've been with my DP for five years, we live together and we have a brilliant relationship. We've never once had an argument, we laugh every day and are a real team. That's not a stealth boast BTW! We just have a great life together and we love each other dearly. We have no DC from previous relationships.

We have our own circle of friends that we socialise with together, as well as giving each other space to have time with friends / hobbies alone. Our relationship works really well.

When we met, he said he was open to having kids, but it wasn't a burning urgency or need, he was happy to see how things pan out.

I told him from the start that I didn't really have any desire to get pregnant, but would love to adopt an older child, as my older brother was adopted and there's so many children desperate for a loving home and I've also a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (which is a whole other thread!).

He was supportive of this and we've even been to adoption agency meetings to learn more and he seemed on board. Anyway, nothing's progressed, as we've had some family issues, including the death of my mum, which has been very hard.

Yesterday, we went to a toy shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew and there were obviously loads of families. I wistfully said I was getting broody (thinking to myself maybe we can look back into the adoption now) and asked him if he was. He said yes.

Last night, we were chatting and I asked if he really was feeling broody, as he's never said that word before. He conceded he was. I asked how come, he said he didn't know, he's just been feeling it strongly lately. He's 40 soon, so could be a factor. Plus some friends are having babies lately too.

I asked if we should explore adoption again and he said he's still not adverse to adoption, but was thinking we could try to have a baby together.

I'm not often speechless, but was after hearing this. He's always been supportive of the plans I had in mind when we met and he even said he wasn't bothered about our potential child not being a baby.

Now, as I say, I'm 42 (just turned). I've no idea if we are even fertile. I'm happy to try and get help for my phobias and if he really wants a baby, I'd definitely want to try for one with him. But if we try for a couple of years and it doesn't happen, I'm going to start to possibly be too old to adopt.

Another issue is affording a baby, my DP earns £20k and I'm on £47k, so I'm the breadwinner. He's climbing up his fairly new career ladder and his next job move will pay £30k+.

I might be overthinking it (my best mate says you can never afford a baby), but how will we survive if I'm off work? There is a the possibility of him staying at home while I return to work. Also, I've just spent ALL our savings on major home improvements and we have a £200k mortgage too.

To compound matters, I've no family, so no support network. Majority of our friends don't have kids, so I've no idea how much childminders and nursery costs, therefore, no idea where to start number crunching.

My best friend said I'm looking into this too deeply, but I think we'd be mad to look at starting a family with no plan in place.

Am I over thinking this, or am I being sensible? Where do we start with planning this?

Also, am I too old? Realistically, I wouldn't want to start trying until next year anyway.

Would love your thoughts. x

@BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour and @CmdrCressidaDuck please see my last post.

I wasn't in a relationship and my mum's addiction was taking a toll on me, as her closest living relative. I genuinely can't understand why this is so hard to understand.

I'd never have been accepted to adopt with all this going on, even if I tried to go for it alone before meeting my DP.

Also @CmdrCressidaDuck I think 5 years is a decent amount of time to consider having a family with a DP. after 1-2 years, you're still getting to know each other. We didn't move in together immediately as he was tied into a tenancy and I had so much stress on my plate with my mum. No matter how desperate I am to become a mum, I wouldn't have a child with someone after only a year or two. Age regardless. As I've reiterated time and time, I do want to have a child, I e been the product of a shit childhood and I'm not going to jump in feet first to prove my commitment to how badly I want to be a mum.

OP you are taking offence where none was meant. IMIO Graphista took the time to intelligently respond to you and make you ask yourself important, relevant questions.

I am now worried you keep mentioning your mothers addiction as a reason not to have your own family.

We have ALL said, time is not on your side. PLEASE think about this, take it on board if you want a child. You seem to think you can just have one, when, in reality you may have missed the boat.

Nobody has been horrible to you here.

I think some women are so desperate for children that they settle with any rubbish man / have babies with men they barely know.

I agree about not having a baby with someone you’ve known a year - that’s just common sense. But I know women who have literally settled with pretty terrible men and had babies with them quickly. Depends on your personality maybe but I am cautious with men and wouldn’t personally want to do that. However I am also 40 and childless / struggling with fertility. Perhaps I should have just shacked up with a cocklodger

OP please just crack on with it if you want a DC. It really is as simple as that.

What worries me most about this whole issue is the welfare of the potential adopted child (not just for you, OP, but in general). A person/couple should want to adopt a child because they want to bring love and security to a young child who through no fault of their own has gone through life without parents or family. That child needs a home. That child should not just be considered as an alternative to a biological child. This is not a shopping trip. Oh, my first choice is not available, I'll have second best.

I've heard it time and again: "If we can't conceive we'll adopt." Imo, adoption should be for the benefit of the child, not the parents. I know many ppl will disagree with me, but I feel strongly that children should not be picked just because a biological child is off the table. If you want to adopt a child, you should want that no matter what.

As for TTC, it's not too late. I had my third child at 43 (was not planned), and the pregnancy and delivery were fine. My sister had her first child at 42. Having a biological child is a wonderful thing, but you have to do it for the right reasons.

Good luck with your decision.

Completely agree with BillieEilish just get on with it,start trying today,it's that important IF you want one of your own.

Graphista didn't say anything offensive at all.

Cest you don't 'have to shack up' with anybody

There are millions of single parents.

I also think it’s fair enough to say that other things have got in the way the last few years.

And I do think some people have been quite condescending.

However I know from my own experiences that if you want any chance of having your own child then you can’t really wait any longer. For context I have been told that even with ivf I only have a 15% chance of conceiving. And I’m only 40. Everyone different obviously and perhaps you are more fertile than me but you are unlikely to be significantly more fertile at 42.

Go for both.
Look into adoption and get started on that.
See you gp and get a gynaereferal ayou age they will test hormones,check your uterus and ovaries and you DPS sperm.Start trying naturally as all these tests take about 6+ months.Once you know all is ok the option is IVF.
I had my DD just shy of my ,43rd b'day.We had one go and were lucky,also lucky that she was ok.But if you really want children go for both,either one will work or you have an instant family.(not underestimating the issues with adopting but you are already aware).
Finances,you will sort them.Both these options take time so you should be through your 2years at work unless you are very lucky and get pregnant straight away.
We wanted children and so IVF was so that if we didn't manage to would have no regrets at not trying so could move on.
Job wise you find a way.
Energy levels,everyone's different but I was more confident in myself in my 40s so just got on with it and DH support is the main thing you need and you have that.

Your overthinking things, I had my youngest at 38 and he keeps me young and I would love another baby even now when I am 45. Best of luck to you both, you sound excited at the prospect. You only live once, do whatever makes you happy.

Not everyone wants to be a single parent though
Or sorry is the MN script that if you really want to be a parent you will do it before 30 and be prepared to do it alone. If you don’t do these things then you can genuinely want to be a parent. Missed that memo obviously 🙄

Shared parental leave. He stays home after the compulsory two weeks off, you go back to work.

@BillieEilish I feel Graphista's response is loaded, accusatory and implying I'm disingenuous / a liar.

My mother's addiction is not why I've not had a family. The fact is by the time I found someone to have a family with, her addiction had reached its peak and was causing me to almost have a breakdown. After a decent amount of time and talks with my DP, I started to take a step back from my my mum and we attended adoption meetings, only for my mum's addiction to ramp up (unrelated to my actions) and subsequently it killed her. We could obviously not pursue adoption during this time.

Thank you @CestCeleste - I am the product of a broken home and shit childhood and while I understand becoming a parent can test the best of relationships, I'm not going to jump into starting a family with just anyone after a year, my mum's addiction and my stresses aside. No matter how desperate I am, I want to be sure as I can that I'm with the right person, who would make a great father. Plus what local authority or adoption charity would let a couple who've been together 5 minutes (with a 'grandmother' battling addiction) adopt!?

I'm being accused of not wanting to really be a mother because I'm cautious!!

I think what is annoying me about this thread is the number of posters implying that having a child is solely within the OPs control so if she really wanted to be a parent she would have done it by now. No it’s is dependent on circumstances, who you meet, whether you are prepared to settle with someone rubbish, if you are lucky enough to meet the right person young or not, whether you are prepared/have the means to go it alone.

Also even if it’s not been a priority until now, are people not allowed to rethink things. People change their minds about all sorts of things all the time.

Have you had any more talks with your dp? I think if you have to wait another 9 months to get your contract renewed the point may well be moot. If you really do have to wait (and many, non-mad people really wouldn't!) spend the time getting both of you into peak health.

I am exactly the same - pretty cautious, didn’t meet someone decent till 36 and wanted to make sure it was right before trying.

However genuinely do not delay trying.

Thank you for 'getting it' @CestCeleste. Life is fraught with obstacles and I've always been sensible and make decisions with caution.

I could have easily let my heart rule my head, but let's not forget that my DP wasn't ready to start looking into starting a family until two years ago anyway. His choices need to be considered too. Plus he was on really crap money then too. So many factors other than, oh I want to be a mum right now. 🙄

OP you clearly have a lot to think about. I really think nobody has been horrid to you here. In fact, personally I am trying to save you from very real heartbreak.

You have no option than 'to jump into it' you have no other option OP you are biologically old. It may be too late now, let alone next year!

I say that having posted upthread about me going into menopause at 43, having had a DC at 38, first go, my DSIS having a baby first go, at 45.

If you got pregnant now OP, you would be 43 when the baby was born.

I think people are trying to say kindly, you have no time to waste. Not even a month!

Best of luck to you

If it is what you want now though I do think you need to throw caution to the wind and just go for it though.
I found it quite difficult to be open about wanting a family with people other than DH - as sometimes it is difficult to say you want something in case you don’t end up getting it.

Yes, we've had a busy couple of days @Banjodancer but I have shared some of the valid points raised on here. Which he'd not thought o (nor had I!) So we need to consider and discuss these in more detail.

We need to digest the major subjects we'd not considered as there's some real food for thought and we need to look at the finances, plus more.

Like what I mean by my comment below is that I almost found it difficult to admit to myself that it’s what I wanted and just go for it. As I am worried it just might not happen for me. At 40 plus it’s perhaps easier to pretend I’m relaxed either way that very expressly say to myself and others it’s something I want to go for.

I’m 41 and first baby due in 5 weeks, had no issues conceiving and DH is 46. I’m also the main earner by a similar margin to you.

I had never wanted kids and then had a last minute broody patch at 40. No regrets so far!

Oh and we also spent all our savings moving house, then conceived 5 months later. We’ll survive!

How wonderful @Megan2018 wishing you lots of luck and love.

"OP you are taking offence where none was meant. IMIO Graphista took the time to intelligently respond to you and make you ask yourself important, relevant questions." Thank you

There's absolutely no malice or intent to be insensitive or offensive at all on my part.

I am also the child of an addict and had a very difficult childhood myself, and I can appreciate and understand how that can affect people differently, and gives those of us with such a history a different perspective on parenthood to others.

A couple of my friends that have chosen to remain child free, they have similar backgrounds and it's informed their decision to do so. I also have other friends with similar histories who have like me chosen to be parents.

Either choice is valid BUT it does need to be a carefully considered choice.

We all see the less than ideal outcomes for both children and parents when that choice hasn't been thoughtfully and carefully made.

Please op do point out where my comments were ANY of the very nasty things you are accusing me of?!

How is saying someone doesn't appear to want to be a parent "accusatory"? It's not a crime to not want to be a parent! It's not even a morality issue or character flaw!

I don't think you are consciously lying to yourself or anyone else, I think it's a genuine case of denial (not the flippant kind often bandied about but a genuine state-of-consciousness denial) but I definitely think you need to explore if you really do want DC.

If you are to deal with your phobias around having a pregnancy or are to be assessed as a potential adoptive parent you will in all likelihood end up in some form of counselling anyway, I rather suspect that when you do will end up discovering your true feelings on the matter, and I think it's a real possibility you'll discover that they are that you don't really want to have DC.

That you think this to be an insult is worrying. It's not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting DC, with being perfectly happy with dp and your life as it is now. There are more and more people making that decision and living perfectly happy, fulfilling lives with great relationships and careers and social lives etc.

There are pros and cons to either side of the coin.

But as you would be an older mother that would bring other challenges that aren't a factor or as much a factor for younger parents.

If you do decide to go for it because it's what you really want all power to you! I hope it works out for you.