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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
JonSlow · 02/08/2019 09:17

Are you an only child?

BarryMcguigan · 02/08/2019 09:17

I'm so sorry you're missing a much needed break. If you have to think of the positive I can only imagine your selfless attitude is a huge inspiration and role model to your daughter. I hope you get a break soon

hidinginthenightgarden · 02/08/2019 09:17

I think you need to step back and get carers in for your mum. You deserve a life too. As harsh as it seems, I too would feel resentful.

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/08/2019 09:19

Op what is the worst that can happen if you do just go and leave her there?
Perhaps if you do go things will change.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 02/08/2019 09:20

Is this a sustainable situation? Maybe you need to go on holiday so you can help your mum in the medium term?

Howyiz · 02/08/2019 09:20

You say your guilt won't let you, what you need to realise that the only one keeping you in this situation is yourself.
Your mum is safe in hospital, go on your break, you will need the resilience gathered to sustain you.

PurpleDaisies · 02/08/2019 09:20

What would happen if you just went?

ajandjjmum · 02/08/2019 09:20

I think you clearly need a break - you need to look after yourself as well as your Mum. Can you not sort something out for your Mum - or ask Social Services to - and go a day or so later?

Teachermaths · 02/08/2019 09:21

Just go.

So much of your behaviour enables her.

Charles11 · 02/08/2019 09:21

You should go. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you won’t get this time back again.
Your dd deserves some time away with you rather than you prioritising someone who makes you feel like shit.

TheABC · 02/08/2019 09:22

If she won't help herself, you have to help yourself. Would you put this huge burden on your DD?

No?

Why is it acceptable for you?

Decide your boundaries and carve out time for yourself. That may include getting carers in and going on holiday. BTW: Judy because she gave birth to you does not mean she has free rein to treat you like shit. You are a daughter, not a slave.

Sexnotgender · 02/08/2019 09:22

I’d be resentful too. Flowers

It’s a lot of responsibility for you alone to shoulder and all the harder when it’s not appreciated.

Can you not just go? What will actually happen if you’re not there?

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:24

Thankyou Barry!

If I just went? I don't think they would allow my mum home and i think that's where she needs to be. Well no, she needs to be in hospital, but she doesn't believe this and is kicking off to come home and getting super stressed. Last time she was in she kicked a nurse Blush

OP posts:
footballmum · 02/08/2019 09:26

Sometimes you just have to let the house of cards fall, before you get the support you need. It’ll force your mum to engage with social services and maybe actually appreciate what you do for her. Go on your holiday and deal with the fallout when you get back.

SummerWhisper · 02/08/2019 09:26

You can leave now and switch off your phone. It will give you the opportunity to let your daughter know that she is the most important person in your life, not somebody who treats you like shit. Think long-term and the impact your focus away from yourself and your daughter is having. Take the cat to a cattery and go. Post back on here tomorrow about the amazing sunset and sunrise you both enjoyed. Love yourself a little more than you do, please. I bet your mother will somehow find her feet without her crutch. Flowers

Greggers2017 · 02/08/2019 09:27

Go, leave your mum in hospital. Why should what your mum wants trump your daughter? That's not fair on her at all.

Whatusernamecanihave · 02/08/2019 09:27

I’m sorry but I would go, if she needs to be in hospital then so be it, go and enjoy some time with your daughter is sounds as if family time is needed and don’t let the guilt get to you xx

EmrysAtticus · 02/08/2019 09:27

Just go! Don't let your mum dictate your life like this, you owe it to your daughter!

ImaginaryCat · 02/08/2019 09:27

That is a good thing! If hospital are forced to keep her in they have to make social services aware. Then you'll get a social worker assigned, someone neutral who can see what this is doing to you, and can help you access support.
Make sure the cat's taken care of and go!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/08/2019 09:28

I would go.

She may well be calmer in hospital if the option of going home isn't there, and it sounds like she needs to be there.

If you take her home, you're signing yourself up to be the only person who looks after her again. If she's in hospital, you stand a better chance of getting help when you get back.

And mostly, it sounds like you and your DD really need this holiday.

Clankboing · 02/08/2019 09:29

Well it sounds as if you need to go on holiday then. She might end up staying in hospital longer which is what she needs. You can still go.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/08/2019 09:30

Go on holiday. You're burnt out and need the break.

CruellaFeinberg · 02/08/2019 09:30

I also think you should go. You want her to stay in hospital, she can only come home if you are there you are not there

Go on holiday, prioritise your dd

regmover · 02/08/2019 09:30

Go and don't come back until the holiday is over.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:31

The trouble is social services have offered assistance, she has refused it all. She has capacity so they cannot force it upon her.

I'm ina damned if i do damned if i don't situation here. If she stays I'll have to stay because no one else will visit. ( her family wont have anything to do with her) and if she cones home, whilst she can 'care for herself she has panic attacks etc and refuses to go to her GP so she could effectively be left all week.

OP posts: